Chapter Thirty-five

♪ Soundtrack: Never Be The Same by Camila Cabello ♪

"What's wrong, Fraye?" Daddy worriedly asked me, his other arm instantly wrapping around me just as my hands that hugged his other arm just tightened.

Marahan akong umiling bilang sagot saka nanatiling nakayuko habang sobrang saya ng lahat na pinapanood ang makukulay na mga fireworks sa madilim na kalangitan. Everyone was holding their own mini-trumpets to join the loudness of the night with how the way they all wanted to welcome the new arrived year. Kanina ko pa binitawan ang torotot na binigay sa akin ni Tita Bella dahil ginawa ko nang misyon ang dumikit kay Daddy at huwag lumayo sa kaniya pagkatapos ng dinner.

Who still could enjoy the celebration with a broken heart? Probably not me when I seemed to really pamper my heart.

How funny. Ganitong-ganito rin ako noong nakaraang taon, nakadikit sa mga magulang ko habang nagsasaya ang lahat. How stupid I was to think that this time, it would be different? Maybe, the night of Christmas was just a timeout for us, maybe it was only given for us because the end of the year wouldn't go the same for us. What was worst about this all was that I knew I couldn't let my emotion get the best of me because if ever they asked me, I didn't know what and how to answer them.

I couldn't tell them that I was crying because it was so painful to watch Kuya Yoongi and Ate Mira together, almost inseparable as if their lifeline was each other. Hindi ko rin puwedeng sabihin na dapat kaming dalawa iyong magkasama kasi wala naman silang alam, hindi ko puwedeng sabihin na dapat nasa tabi ko si Kuya Yoongi at hindi sa tabi ni Ate Mira. Ni hindi ko alam kung bakit nandito siya!

Also, I couldn't really help but despise the kind lady's appearance now though she never did something bad to me, though she wasn't anything but so good and kind to me. Ayaw kong mainis sa kaniya kasi wala naman siyang kasalanan. Did she even know about Kuya Yoongi and me? I bet she didn't have any idea. And that only made me feel bad about myself, how could I seriously hate her?

She was actually very nice, to the point that everyone in the table while we were eating dinner earlier was easily so fond of her, even my parents couldn't help but marvel at her pureness and throw inquiries about her life and her family. Tito Thomas also seemed to be very mesmerized by her beauty and Tita Bella seemed to be very pleased by her overall appearance. Her sweet smile as she answered politely every question thrown to her, her lulling voice as ever bringing everyone to comfort, as she shyly bowed her head for every compliment and praises raised to her, her smile was so pretty I envied how beautiful she was.

She was easy to get along with, she was too light to talk to and too comforting to speak to. Hindi katulad ko na mailap magbigay ng ngiti…

"Don't they look good together?"

Kanina sa hapag, habang nagsasalo-salo kaming lahat sa mga pagkaing nakahanda, habang pigil na pigil ako sa pag-iyak ay walang tigil si Tita Bella sa pamumuri kung gaano kagandang tingnan na magkasama sina Kuya Yoongi at Ate Mira. I couldn’t afford it, but I also couldn't really speak up and tell everyone earlier that they weren't together because I was Kuya Yoongi's girlfriend, so I really forced myself not to do anything I would surely regret after… but was it too troublesome for him to at least deny all that his mother was saying?

Mahirap ba para sa kaniyang sumagot para naman maliwanagan, hindi lang ang mga kasama namin sa hapag, kung hindi maging ang puso ko na wala naman talagang namamagitan sa kanila ni Ate Mira? Couldn't he at least do that to somehow assure my heart?

He didn't. He didn't do anything, he just stayed silent and let everyone assume that they were together, he let me think about all that we were, and made me realize how compatible they were to each other. Na kung sila nga, walang magiging problema sa mga magulang niya, they were both mature adults, even Tita Bella seemed so thrilled about them being together.

Kami? Ako? Our relationship was like a blown up plastic balloon. Kami iyong isang butas lang, unti-unti na kaming masisira. It didn't matter who would prick on our relationship, what mattered was our relationship wasn't stable enough to keep going on… so why go on?

"They totally do. I mean, I never thought our Yoongi has someone special. I've been actually telling him to let himself loosen up since he's been very focused on your company." Mommy's enthusiastic agreement only doubled the pain I was going through within my heart. Ni hindi ko na magawang titigan ang lahat sa hapag dahil naka-glue na ang mga mata ko sa pagkain kong hindi ko na ginalaw simula nang umalis at bumalik ako kanina.

Who would still have an appetite to eat after everything? Nawalan na nga rin ako ng ganang salubungin ang bagong taon. I just wanted to go to my room, sleep and wake up early so I could ask my parents to go home. I just seriously wanted to be out of his sight, and far away from him.

None, not even one word was spoken from him to wrong our parents' speculation about his relationship with Ate Mira, or maybe, he wanted how everyone was thinking that they were together. Bakit hindi na lang sila? Bagay naman sila. Sila na lang, tigilan na niya ako, kung ganitong sasaktan lang din pala niya ako, sila na lang ni Ate Mira. Ayaw ko na sa kaniya…

Easier said than done though. Naiiyak ako sa isiping iyon, na kahit sumasakit ang puso ko ay hindi ko pa rin kayang isipin kung magiging sila talaga ni Ate Mira. Na kahit na nasasaktan na ako, hindi ko pa rin maitatangging gustong-gusto ko pa rin siya. Just what did he ever do to make me feel this way, I didn’t know.

"Aren't you having fun anymore, Fraye? C'mon, kunin mo iyong torotot mo, makisali ka sa kanila Kuya Yoongi mo at saka sa girlfriend niya…" Daddy once again urged me like what he had been doing ever since I stuck on him, stopping him from having his business talk with Tito Thomas. Wala naman siyang sinabi kanina nang magsimula akong dumikit sa kaniya, natatakot akong lumayo sa kaniya dahil ayaw kong makisama kay Kuya Yoongi at Ate Mira.

It would be like salting the wound that was already stinging in my heart.

Sina Mommy at Tita Bella ay talagang may sariling mundo na, may mga hawak ding torotot at nasa isang tabi ng gazebo. From one of the corner, were Kuya Yoongi and Ate Mira still sitting on the long table and speaking silently. Kanina ko pa rin nahuhuli ang mga mata ni Kuya Yoongi, at aaminin kong pinanghihinaan ako ng mga tuhod sa malalalim niyang mga titig.

How dared he stare at me like that while he was in another girl's side? He couldn't stare at me like he was trying to read my mind when he sat there, listening to what might Ate Mira have been telling him. He couldn't stare confusedly at me every time I would pathetically blink my eyes at him to stop my tears from falling, he couldn't chase after my eyes when I would avoid his eyes. His kitten eyes could be the beautiful representation of the lighted sky above, he still was the reason why my heart was the darkness of the sky every time a firework would end.

The sky was very much insight in this part of the Min Mansion, we were being showered by the beautiful fireworks up the dark sky. Parang mga batang nagtatalunan ang mga Mommy namin sa tuwing may magandang exhibition ng firework ang lilitaw sa kalangitan. I could have jumped with them, being mesmerized by those fireworks, only if my heart wasn't going through so much a firework could only lighten up.

"I don't w-want…" I lowly answered Daddy in a broken voice, gulping so hard to suppress a sob from resounding from my throat. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa braso ni Daddy saka ko isinubsob ang mukha ko sa balikat niya. I had been trying to avoid catching Kuya Yoongi's kitten eyes, I couldn't look at him as he shamelessly stared back at me, though he was in another girl's side.

Huwag niya rin akong titigan na para bang hindi niya maintindihan ang kinikilos ko dahil alam niyang pinagseselosan ko si Ate Mira! He knew yet he brought her here?! Wow, kung balak niyang pagselosin at saktan ako, nagtatagumpay siya. At huwag na huwag din siyang magtatangkang lumapit sa akin!

"Serge, she must already be sleepy…" Narinig ko ang maingat na boses ni Mommy mula sa kalayuan pero nanatili akong nakasubsob sa balikat ni Daddy.

I hated how they were both very alert in watching over me, I hated how they were both so focused on me but still both being oblivious and unaware about what I was truly feeling when in fact before, it didn't take them two cents to guess what bothered me.

Alam ko namang kasalanan ko dahil naglilihim ako sa kanila, pero puwede bang kahit isa man lang sa kanila maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko? I wanted their comfort, their assurance that everything would be alright. My heart only needed their understanding, that what I was going through was normal. That the love I might have come to meet wasn't perfect, at least, it was normal. Na natural na masaktan ako kasi kaakibat ng pagmamahal ang sakit…

"But it's still ten pm…" Narinig ko ang mahinang boses ni Daddy habang marahang humahaplos sa likod ko ang isang palad niya. "Baby, you want to sleep already? I'll take you to your room—"

"Tito, can I take her? I'll make sure she's tuck in bed carefully…"

Mariin akong pumikit nang sa unang pagkakataon ngayong gabi, marinig ko ang malalim at malamig niyang boses. I swore it made my heart jump flirtatiously inside my chest despite going through so much pain. Nakaka-inis lang dahil nasasaktan na ito at lahat-lahat, nakuha pa rin nitong magsaya dahil lang sa boses ni Kuya Yoongi. I just latched onto my father more, refusing to turn to look at him.

Ayaw ko, ayaw kong kapag nagkasalubong ang mga mata namin ay baka manlambot na naman ako. Ayaw ko ring oras na mapag-isa kami, baka sumabog na lang ako at isigaw sa kaniya kung gaano niya akong nasasaktan ngayon. I would then cry pathetically in front of him, make a desperate mess of myself in front of him, and the last thing I needed from him right now was pity.

"Are you sure, hijo—"

Harshly shaking my head in protest, my heart panicking inside my chest it hurt so much I swore, I hardly clutched on the sleeve of my father's shirt as a faint sob of cry escaped my throat. "N-No, don't let h-him, Daddy…"

"Fraye, it's your Kuya Yoongi. I'm sure you want to greet him a happy new year before you sleep—"

"No! I don't want! I d-don't want!" I was already a whole bundle of a crying mess, still harshly shaking my head as my shoulders were quickly going up and down. Nakipagpaligsahan na ang mga hikbi ko sa maingay na mga paputok sa kalangitan, pinatunayan pa iyon ng katahimikan ng lahat.

It embarrassed me thinking that everyone was already watching me. Pero iisipin ko pa ba iyong kung masyado na akong namamanhid sa sakit na nararamdaman ko sa puso ko? It wanted to rebel, it wanted to be with Kuya Yoongi, but I couldn't let it because it wasn't such a good idea now that I was too hurt and too fragile. I couldn’t let it because I was upset, and probably, being near him would melt all the anger away until I would find myself surrendering to him again.

Marupok na kung marupok, pero iyon talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Kaya hindi puwede. Hindi ko siya puwedeng hayaang lumapit sa akin…

"Julie, I'm just going to talk to—"

Mabilis kong pinutol din ang sinasabi niya saka malakas na humikbi sa balikat ng Daddy ko. "N-No, no, I don't w-want to talk to you! No, Daddy, please!" Kulang na lang ay maglupasay ako sa sahig para lang huwag payagan ni Daddy si Kuya Yoongi.

Alam ko ring palagi nila akong ipinagkakatiwala kay Kuya Yoongi, pero ipinanalangin kong sana sa puntong ito, kahit ngayon lang, sana naman pakinggan nila ako.

"Okay, okay, Fraye. I won't let him. Stop crying…" Mahigpit akong niyakap ni Daddy habang patuloy pa rin sa paghaplos sa likod ko, iyong sinabi niyang iyon ang mas nagpahikbi pang lalo sa akin, sobra-sobrang pasasalamat ang lihim kong isinatinig sa isipan ko. “Ako na, Yoongi. Bukas mo na lang siya kausapin.” With that being hardly and sternly said in an unbreakable tone, Daddy carefully lifted me up, both of my legs instantly wrapping around his waist as my face dipped into his neck, my cries were still very loud for everyone to hear as I felt him carefully walk us away from the gazebo, away from the person who was the reason why my heart was continuously breaking.

Nakakahiya ring ang malaki na ako, ganap na dalaga na sa susunod na buwan pero gustong-gusto ko pa rin kung paano ako hina-handle ni Daddy sa tuwing masama ang loob ko. Who cared if I was being pampered like a baby? It was the only comfort I wanted, it always assured me that no one was capable of hurting me, at least, in my own mind-set.

"Serge, take her to Yexel's room. Her room isn't clean…" Narinig ko pa ang banayad na boses ni Tita Bella bago kami tuluyang bumalik ni Daddy sa mansiyon.

It was already two am in the morning, first two hours of the new year, but still the remains of what happened the last hours of the last year were still lingering in my mind, keeping my mind awake and making my already swollen eyes produce nonstop tears. Hindi lang ang mga mata ko ang kanina pa sumasakit, maging ang lalamunan ko dahil sa wala ring tigil na paghikbi. I even had to refrain myself from crying and pretend to be sleeping earlier when Mommy and Daddy came to Kuya Yexel’s room to check on me.

I was tightly hugging one of his soft long pillows as I tightly shut my eyes, breathing evenly while hearing them both talk about something that regarded me. They were both worried about me, and they didn’t have any idea how my heart broke when I heard my Mommy cry. It was New Year, we should be happy, my parents should be happily celebrating and not worrying about me.

Maybe, the reason why Daddy wasn’t still ready to let me date guys, or love men because he knew, it wouldn’t be so easy for me.

I would have to meet different kinds of pain that entailed with loving someone. At sana lang, sana lang hindi ako naglilihim sa kanila dahil sa mga ganitong pagkakataon, sa mga ganitong pagkakataon ko sila kailangan.

“Ssh, El, you can’t cry loudly, you’ll wake her up. I’m sure, for whatever our baby’s going through, I’m sure she’ll be fine. She has to be fine…” Hearing Daddy’s stern yet careful voice almost made me get up from laying down, and tackle them both in a tight hug as I let my heart pour the pain it had been going through.

“I don’t know, S-Serge, I mean, am I lacking something? I want her to be open to me, to us but at the same time, I want her to h-handle herself alone like the big girl she is. Mali ba i-iyon?” Mommy’s broken voice was accompanied by her hand that smoothly ran gentle caresses on my back as I hardly bit my lower lip against the pillow I was hugging to suppress a sob.

“Of course not, El. Let’s just trust her, okay? I trust that our Fraye’s strong enough to handle herself, she’s still my baby but I think, there’s nothing she can’t go through in this life. We raised her perfectly, El…”

Yes, I was raised perfectly, but that didn’t guarantee that I would be guarded from any possible pain. I was designed to be well-mannered but I was not a robot that was programmed not to feel any emotion, I wasn’t programmed not to fall in love. My parents maybe thought that because they raised me well, it would guard me from everything. Sana nakinig sila sa akin noon at inilayo ako kay Kuya Yoongi… then I wouldn’t have to go through such a pain like this.

When they left the room as silent as they could, it was only minutes before I finally let myself be a whole bundle of a pathetic crying mess again. Dumating pa ako sa puntong halos hilahin ako ng isipan ko mula sa kama, palabas ng kuwarto ni Kuya Yexel para magtungo sa kuwarto ni Kuya Yoongi at komprontahin siya kung bakit sinasaktan niya ako ng ganito. He must have been having the greatest time of his life to be playing with my innocence and ignorance for a relationship my young heart was still too young to manage. Iniisip siguro niya na dahil bata pa ako, madali lang niya akong maloloko.

If Ate Mira was that important to him, like he would prefer celebrating the end of the year with her, making his parents excitedly goof about how they looked good together, then he should stop playing with my heart. Wala naman siyang mapapala… ow, meron.

Stupid, Fraye. He got you, remember? You stupidly fell into his sweet words and scorching touches, stupid.

Sobbing for the umpteenth time, I hardly clutched the thick comforter as new set of tears streamed from my eyes, making my eyes blink at the plain ceiling. I didn’t even want to think about how they both welcomed the new year. Inasahan kong kaming dalawa iyong magkasama pagpatak ng alas-dose, inasahan kong masaya naming babatiin ng happy new year ang bawat isa, inasahan kong ang sasalubong sa akin sa bagong taon ay ang malapad niyang ngiti na gustong-gusto ko. But what he gave to me was only heartbreak. How could he?

Ayaw ko na rin pang isipin kung hinatid ba niya si Ate Mira at pinili niyang makasama ito. I didn’t want to think about them because it hurt. Ni hindi ko po nararamdamang bibigay na ang mga mata ko. It felt like even after all the tears I had already shed, my eyes could still go on for another whole day, just crying. Even my heart seemed to be restless, though hurting, just memories of what he made me feel few days before, was making it still go around, leaping for the only man it only ever leaped for.

Staring mindlessly at the plain ceiling, I also couldn’t help but think about Kuya Yexel. I couldn’t help but think that if he was here, he wouldn’t let me get hurt by his brother. He had always been my security, that every time he was home before, Kuya Yoongi couldn’t really go near me, Kuya Yoongi couldn’t touch me. Siya naman talaga iyong babysitter ko noon, kung hindi ba siya umalis at nag-aral sa ibang bansa, magkakaroon kaya kami ni Kuya Yoongi ng pagkakataong maging malapit sa isa’t isa?

I doubted it. For sure, kung nandito siya, noong nakaraang summer break kung kailan matagal akong nag-stay sa Min Mansion, kung kailan unti-unti na akong napapalapit kay Kuya Yoongi, for sure with Kuya Yexel around, there would be no chances for Kuya Yoongi. Hindi na si Kuya Yoongi iyong tutugtog sa akin ng piano, it would be Kuya Yexel since he also knew how to play piano. Though, the older one didn’t know how to bake me cookies, at least, he could prepare me something to eat too. Also, just like Kuya Yoongi, Kuya Yexel might have also bought me drawing materials… only that, even if it was Kuya Yexel, my drawings would still be consisted of Kuya Yoongi.

I deeply sighed at that thought. So many ‘it could have been’ but I knew, there was nothing I could do anymore because I was already here, very much in love with Kuya Yoongi.

I was about to hug the comforter closer to my chest and close my eyes to finally urge myself to sleep when I heard faint knocks on the door. Mabilis kong nilingon ang pinto, madilim sa bahaging iyon ng kuwarto dahil tanging ang dalawang standing lamp lang na nasa magkabilang bahagi ng kama ang bukas. I hardly pressed my lips together, carefully bringing myself to get up as I pushed myself to the headboard upon seeing the doorknob move.

I wasn’t scared of strangers, or intruders since Min Mansion was highly secured in and out, what scared me was thinking about the person who was behind the door, I was scared it would be the person I loathed to see for now. Pinanalangin kong sana ay ni-lock nina Mommy at Daddy ang pinto bago sila lumabas kanina pero halos malaglag ang puso ko nang makita kong bumukas iyon matapos ang isang ikot ng knob. My eyes intently watched as the door slowly pushed open, slight light from the hallway penetrating inside, giving me a view of who was outside.

When I said, I didn’t want to think if he brought Ate Mira home and stayed with her, I was lying. Gusto kong malaman kung umuwi ba siya! And now that I was watching him silently close the door before softly turning around to look at me again, all those bottled up emotions that had been killing me inside came rushing to my eyes once again, forming lush tears to stream down my face.

Sa dilim ay bahagya kong nakita ang pagkabigla sa mukha niya pagkakita sa akin bago siya dahan-dahang maglakad palapit sa akin. Harshly shaking my head in protest, tightly hugging the comforter even closer to my chest, I desperately pushed myself deeper into the headboard, hoping he would get that seeing him was hurting me, but also wishing he would continue walking and hold me in his arms, and pepper me assurances and sweet nothings like he always did.

He did the latter… much to both my dismay and pleasure. Hindi ko na rin maintidihan ang sarili ko sa totoo lang. Sinasaktan niya ako pero gustong-gusto ko pa rin siya, bakit ba kasi ganito? Could my heart just realize that it was hurting because of this man? Could my heart just stop loving him?

“W-Why are you still a-awake?” he softly asked me, still slowly nearing me. Sa sobrang hina ng boses niya, halos hindi ko na napansin pa ang bahagyang panginginig noon, though to my luck, I did. Hindi rin maayos ang tono ng boses niya…

Instead of answering, I just glared at him through my blurry vision. I was silent even after he took the privilege to sit on the edge of my bed with a fair amount of distance from me. A distance near enough for me to smell his strawberry scent but this time, it wasn’t mixed with his menthol-flavoured cigarette, it was rather mixed with a slurring smell of alcohol. I couldn’t clearly see his face due to the dimness of the room so I couldn’t confirm if he was drunk, but with how the way he smelled, I was sure, he drank.

It made me feel uncomfortable with him, so though I was already too glued on the headboard, I still tried sulking more, desperate to be away from him.

“Oh no, no, b-baby, please don’t be scared…” he said in a broken voice as he stretched his arms in attempt to reach me but I quickly shook my head, lifting one of my legs to kick on the pillow that was in between us.

Tamad niya hinabol nang tingin nang malaglag ang unan sa sahig at nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin, ang mumunting kislap sa mukha niya ang nagbigay sa akin ng ideya kung anong nangyayari sa kaniya. Though his face was framed by the dimness of the room, it was still too clear in my eyes as fresh tears sparkled on his cheeks, glittering painfully his smooth moon-kissed skin.

I thought what I had been feeling earlier was the worst pain I could go through, but watching him silently cry in front of me, like he was despising himself, like he was disgusted with himself for even shedding tears, I realized that tears from his eyes were the most painful, painful than having my heart killed multiple times, his tears were like shattering my world.

All pain forgotten, all hatred thrown away, I quickly pushed the comforter away from me as I quickly crawled towards him, unaware that my own tears were already pooling on the sheets because what I could only process was Kuya Yoongi was crying in front of me… like for the first time in forever.

He never cried, I had never seen him cry. To the point that it made me think that his kitten eyes were only made for his lazy stares and cold glares… also, I came into a realization that all this time, it was only all about me, it was never about him.

I never asked about what his thoughts were… that was why I didn’t have any idea why he was crying now.

Nang tuluyan na akong makalapit sa kaniya ay hindi na ako nagdalawang-isip pa, niyakap ko siya saka marahang isinubsob sa dibdib niya ang mukha ko. I didn’t mind his tears wetting my nightgown, all I did was hugged him tightly while caressing his back as I made him feel that I was with him. Tuluyan ko nang kinalimutan ang sakit na idinulot niya sa akin dahil panigurado, may eksplanasiyon siya para roon. Sa ngayon, siya muna. Siya muna.

“K-Kuya, please s-stop crying…” The broken timbre of my voice only made me realize how I was also crying. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit nang marinig ko ang mumunting hikbi niya saka niya isinubsob sa balikat ko ang mukha niya, tuluyan nang binabasa ang suot ko ng mga luha niya. For a while, it felt to me like it was me who was in control of our relationship. “It hurts…” I admitted, giving life to all the pain I had been feeling, but highlighting how it hurt seeing him cry.

Na mas nasasaktan ako ngayon dahil nakikita ko siyang umiiyak.

“I d-don’t know anymore, J-Julie. I have been trying to love you without hurting y-you. I promised myself n-not to do anything that c-can hurt you but I’m just d-doing otherwise…” Hindi ko inaasahang magsasalita siya pero nagpasalamat pa rin akong ginawa niya dahil gusto kong malaman kung bakit ganito siya ngayon. It was him who hurt me, it was him who was supposed to be giving me comfort and not the other way around but then, I would concede, because in this relationship, it wasn’t just all about me.

It was also about him, it was about the two of us.

“I know e-explaining things is like me trying to d-defend what I did wrong. I was w-wrong, baby… I was wrong…” Marahang hinahawakan niya ang mga balikat ko saka ako maingat na inilayo sa kaniya. He made our faces level with each other, his face all wet because of tears as it mirrored mine. Umangat ang isang kamay niya para marahang punasan ang basa kong pisngi. “But I have long ago made sure to you that you’re the o-only one. It’s only you, it’ll be only you. I know you’re most jealous of M-Mira but we’re j-just friends…”

Kung sa normal na pagkakataon, ang paulit-ulit na pagtama ng amoy-alak niyang hininga sa mukha ko ay lubos kong ikaka-irita pero dahil sa mga naririnig ko sa kaniya, hindi ko mapigilang pumikit at damhin ang malamig na hininga ng bibig niya kasabay ang marahang haplos niya sa pisngi ko. Sa paraan ng pagsasalita niya, hindi naman siya mukhang lasing, mukhang uminom lang yata talaga siya.

I wasn’t yet asking for an explanation but he was already giving it to me. I wasn’t yet pointing fingers at him, but he was already admitting that he was wrong. I meant, he could have admitted that they were just friends without admitting that he was wrong… but he did.

“We’re just f-friends, and I thought I’ve already made that sure to y-you?” he asked softly, still wiping my cheeks while his cheeks were still wet, voice still quivering. Ngumuso ako saka inangat ang mga kamay ko para marahang punasan ang mga pisngi niya. They were so soft and smooth. Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na buntong-hininga, ang malapusang mga mata ay malungkot na tumitig sa akin. “I also know that I’ve hurt you by bringing her here last night, and I a-also know that it’s disgusting for me to cry when it was me who’ve hurt you, but baby, you’ve hurt me too when you cried because of me last night.”

Hindi ko napigilang samaan siya ng tingin, inaasahan ba niyang magsasaya pa ako kagabi habang magkasama sila ng babaeng lubos kong pinagseselosan? Iniisip ba niyang makikisama pa ako sa kanilang dalawa? Ni hindi niya ako sinabihang dadalhin niya si Ate Mira kagabi gayong alam niyang magkasamang sasalubungin ng mga pamilya namin ang bagong taon. He could have informed me that he would be bringing Ate Mira, that could somehow made an understanding in between us, though it would hurt me, at least I knew.

“Are you glaring at me right now?” When a slight quiver in his voice resounded that soon appeared as a low chuckle, my heart flirtatiously pounded in my chest. Mas gusto ko talaga kapag nakangiti o tumatawa siya. Masakit sa dibdib makita ang mga luha niya. Nakakatakot isiping sa tuwing mag-aaway kami, makita ko lang siyang umiyak, bumigay na ako. “I brought her here last night because Mama requested for it. I tried to coax her into something, like I’d just buy her something to no avail, she really wanted Mira… so…”

The moment he mentioned his Mama I knew it was true. Noon pa lang naman ay gustong-gusto na ni Tita Bella si Ate Mira, for sure, inisiip din niya na si Ate Mira ang girlfriend ni Kuya Yoongi.

“You should have stopped them from assuming that y-you’re together…” I lowly said, slowly bowing my head. Masakit ding isipin na botong-boto si Tita Bella kay Ate Mira, na kung sakali, hindi na mahihirapan sila Kuya Yoongi at Ate Mira, hindi na nila kailangang ilihim ang relsayon nila hindi tulad ng sa amin.

“Mama knows we aren’t together, I’ve already told her like a million of times… and that I have someone I love…” He carefully held my chin to make me look at him again. “She was just trying to make me introduce you to her. And you know, we still can’t risk us, right?” His voice sounded too careful as if he didn’t want to offend or hurt me.

Sighing deeply, fully understanding our situation, I slowly nodded my head, blinking slowly at his kitten eyes that stared deeper at me.

“God, you’re such a good girl…” Tumingala siya habang isinusuklay ang mga daliri sa buhok niya. Nang muli niyang ipinantay sa mukha ko ang mukha niya ay mabilis niyang pinatakan ng halik ang mga labi ko. “I drowned myself with alcohol at the living room, thinking about your cries last night, about how I would assure you that you don’t have to be hurt because it’s only you, I hardly thought about you rejecting me, not forgiving me but… why are you like this? You’re just too good to be true…”

I pursed my lips, trying so hard not to open my mouth and tell him it was because of his cries. Ayaw kong sa tuwing mag-aaway kami, idadaan niya lang sa iyak lahat. I knew, his cries earlier were true and meant, it was clear from his face how he was so disappointed of himself and how he was so conflicted about what he did so I forgave him. Ang mahalaga, sinigurado niya sa aking wala namang namamagitan sa kanila ni Ate Mira… that it was just again my immaturity striking my heart in a perfect timed chance.

He chuckled once again, his kitten eyes turning pretty crescent as they disappeared, before I felt his hand go up to my nape to softly push my face to his. The gasp I was about to let out was caught mid-air, in between our tangled lips, his lips tasted like the most delicious wine I had ever tasted. He kissed me softly until I felt myself slowly melting into the kiss and forgetting everything that happened, letting my small body fall into his strong arms and imitating how his lips softly yet sensually moved with mine. Ang kamay niyang kanina ay nasa batok ko ay unti-unti nang bumaba sa likod ko samantalang ang isa ay natagpuan ang dulo ng nightgown ko.

I loudly sucked in a breath against his soft lips when his cold long pianist fingers instantly made in contact with the skin of my stomach, living soft caresses and light pinches on my hip, lighting an unbearable fire within me. Ganoon din ang isang kamay niya, ang balat naman sa likod ko ang nahanap noon, ang dulo ng nightgown ko ay umaangat na sa baywang ko, ipinapakita ang suot kong underwear, ang lamig ng silid ay dumadampi sa naka-exposed kong mga hita.

“It’s only you, hm?” He assured me once again, his teeth softly nibbling at my lower lip, pulling and sucking on it afterwards. Hindi na rin ako nagprotesta pa nang maramdaman kong unti-unti niya akong hinihiga sa kama, marahang ibinahagi ang mga hita ko saka siya pumuwesto sa pagitan ng mga iyon nang hindi naghihiwalay ang mga labi namin.

I let my arms circle around his neck as his lips sensually descended my jaw, giving careful nipping kisses as if wanting to mark me but not wanting to leave bruises on my skin. His hands that were just on my stomach earlier went caressing upward, instantly finding my chests. I lightly moaned when I felt his cold fingers kneading the hardened bud there, pinching and pulling, making me attempt to close my legs but fail since he was in between. I couldn’t help but remember how all this was very much reminding me of the night he first took me.

Ganito rin siya, very much careful and slow. It was as if he didn’t want to hurt me, like he was making sure I got all the pleasure and love I deserved.

Before, when he said I would be writhing and squirming underneath him, I didn’t seriously thought he would make me like that… twice. Hindi na niya hinubad sa akin ang nightgown ko dahil hinila lang niya ang underwear ko saka maingat na ibinahagi ang mga hita ko, masyado pa akong lasing sa mga halik niya kaya halos mapa-igtad ako nang maramdaman ko ang mahaba niyang daliri roon. I hardly held on his shirt, he was still fully-clothed while I was already too exposed to him downtown, my fingers instantly tightening on his shirt when his finger quickly picked up the pace, his knuckles hardly bumping on my sensitive wet nub, bringing more pleasure to my already burning spine.

Maybe I was already moaning loudly that was why he shut me up using his lips, instantly sucking as if punishing me for being loud. Paanong hindi kung sobrang nakakabaliw ang ginagawa niya sa akin? Together with the nipping sound of our lips was the lewd sound of his fingers quickly penetrating into me, tingling my slick walls and bringing me into my vulnerability. It took only just few thrusts of his fingers before his digits inside if me got coated with my slickness.

Pinag-initan pa ako ng mga pisngi nang makita kong kaswal niyang isinubo ang mga daliring iyon.

“Kuya!” I screamed in embarrassment, covering my face with my palms.

“What? You tasted good as you look…” natatawang sagot niya bago ko marinig ang pagtatanggal niya ng damit. I first heard his zipper being pulled down before the sound of clothes being thrown. Nang tanggalin ko ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko ay ipinupuwesto na niyang muli ang sarili niya sa pagitan ng mga hita ko, ni hindi ako makatingin ng diretso sa ibabang bahagi ng katawan niya kaya nag-focus na lang ako sa guwapo niyang mukha.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him cry again because of pain and sadness.

When his fingers dipped on my thigh, lightly pinching and pressing, his other hand holding his member, I opened my mouth to speak. “I’m still s-sentisive, Kuya…” I honestly told him, thinking about the pleasure I wouldn’t properly take if he would take me with oversensitivity still lingering in my core.

“Okay, we’ll kiss first, maybe about five minutes and then I’ll take you after,” kaswal niyang sabi kahit na halata sa mukha niyang hindi pabor sa kaniya ang ganoon lalo na at magkadikit na ang mga pang-ibabang bahagi ng katawan namin. I could only imagine how difficult that was for him, plus how could he seriously bluntly say those things like it wasn’t fazing him up?

Nakakahiya kaya!

“Kuya! You’re so blunt!” Hinampas ko ang dibdib niya dahil napaka-straightforward talaga niya at wala siyang ideya na hiyang-hiya ako. Ngumisi lang siya saka yumuko na para halikan ako.

Truth be told, after some time, maybe five minutes like what he said, I was already moaning and squirming underneath him as he made me feel loved all over again.

Exchange of assurances and promises was once again freed from our lips as we both desperately drove ourselves into our orgasm. I wasn’t feeling sleepy a while ago, and maybe, I just really needed him to finally let myself fall into sleep.

I didn’t know how long I slept because my eyes were still so thirsty for sleep when I felt a drastic movement from my side, my eyes first being penetrated by the bright shine of the sun coming from the big window, giving me an idea that it was already morning. I even yawned, still wanting to go back to sleep. Mabilis na nawala ang antok ko nang makita kong may lalaking humablot kay Kuya Yoongi mula sa kama saka malakas na hinagis sa sahig. Hard growls and curses were heard from Kuya Yoongi’s mouth but my eyes were fixed on the back of the familiar man.

He was tall, taller than Kuya Yoongi but his posture was so much of Kuya Yoongi’s. Even the colour of his skin that was peeking from the rolled sleeves of his black dress shirt was like of Kuya Yoongi’s pale one.

Agad kong natutop ang bibig ko, hindi na niya kailangan pang lumingon para makumpirma kong siya nga ang nakikita ko dahil kahit na ilang taon pa siyang mawala, hindi ko siya makakalimutan. In shock, I mortifyingly watched as he drastically threw punches on the ground where Kuya Yoongi was while I hugged the comforter to my chest. Nahimasmasan lang ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Kuya Yoongi.

“Sht! This isn’t such a great good morning greeting, Kuya!”

“What the hell are you doing, Yoongi? To Fraye? Are you damn serious right now?!”

I loudly gasped when Kuya Yexel harshly turned his head to me, angrily pointing a finger to me as he angrily scolded his younger brother, my chest moving up and down in a quick manner as my mind was failing to grasp all that was happening. I couldn’t put two and two together, I couldn’t even put things as first or second for what I could only process was that Kuya Yexel was here… finally. And Kuya Yoongi was still on the ground, fairly beaten up with his eyes wide awake, all directed to my fazed form up the bed.

The realization of what was happening quickly hitting him fast unlike how it was failing to strike my mind. For sure, the fear that was mirrored on his eyes were the same from mine.

Kuya Yexel just walked in on us, still sleeping on his very bed with Kuya Yoongi only in his boxer… great.