⚠️ Major emotional trigger ⚠️

the last update was supposed to have a warning too, nakalimutan ko lang lagyan kasi nga unedited iyon at hindi pa dapat ipa-pub. sorry for that again 😢. for this, i dont know if any of you have already gone through such so please bare yourself for such an emotional trigger, the plot called for it. please read at your own risk. errors lurking around, correct me if you found some. Thanks.

- Hannan ♥

🥀🥀🥀

Chapter Thirty-nine

"It's an early miscarriage, a rare kind of miscarriage because it only occurs due to some reasons. Based on our findings, your daughter was just five weeks pregnant, the infant was barely just a peck of dust inside her womb and there's only two in ten pregnant women who may experience miscarriage this early, it's really rare…"

Twitching painfully, it felt like when I opened my eyes, it would hurt so much by the way it felt sore though they were closed. I was already aware that my consciousness was already back and I could just open my eyes to find out whose voices were those, I could also feel my body numbing by the way I was laying down the bed, even my arms felt heavy to the point that my mind couldn't seem to make them all move… my eyes and my arms.

Aside from the slow rising up and down of my chest for an even breathing and from the hazy operation of my clouded mind but enough to take into what my nose smelled, every part of my body seemed so hard to move or even control. Kahit ang idilat ang mga mata ko ay tila napakahirap, nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko sa hindi ko malamang dahilan at nararamdaman ko pa rin ang sakit sa dibdib ko na hindi na yata ako tatantanan.

It felt like my body was already giving up because of everything. My emotional stability had been trying to fight and go on, but my physical stability couldn't afford it anymore. They were done. They gave up…

"If it's rare, then what happened to my daughter?"

And it frustrated me more when I heard my Daddy's stern yet worried voice but I still couldn't bring my eyes to flicker open, all I could afford to do was twitched them! And let my mind process what they were talking about!

"Like I said, early miscarriage happens due to some reason, some careless reasons. It could be because of too much cocaine, it could also be because of alcohol, or also because of an emotional aspect, depression. I'm sure, it'll be hard for her when she wakes up and it'll be impossible to ask her so we just found it out ourselves while we were examining her, we've found out that she has taken in a lot of alcohol and it could be the possible reason. I'm so sorry, I'm afraid to inform you that before you brought her here, she has already lost her baby."

The current stability of my mind was enough for me to process everything I heard as it quickly kicked into me, sending my heart into its greatest devastation and my aching eyes to produce hot tears that fuelled them to finally flicker open. The white high ceiling was blurred from my gaze. And it didn't take long anymore before sobs were freed from my throat, alerting the people inside the room I was in.

Lumitaw ang umiiyak na mukha ni Mommy sa paningin ko pero wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang lunurin ang imahe niya ng mga luha ko habang halos manginig na ako sa pag-iyak. I didn't want to blame my parents because it was clearly my fault, what happened was because of my drastic and careless doings but I couldn't help but resent them for making me do things that made me lose something so precious before I was even aware about it.

Pakiramdam ko, ipinagkait nila sa akin iyon.

Yes, my fault, all my fault. It was my body, it was me who drank alcohol till I passed out, it was my baby, but I couldn't have done it if only I didn't feel like drinking those nights. Only if they gave me what I had been wanting before, only if they didn't isolate me and make me feel so down to the point that I needed alcohol for comfort. This couldn't have happened only if they didn't take Kuya Yoongi away from me, this couldn't have happened only if they had let us, and left us alone.

It was my fault I lost a precious life from me but they were who made it possible.

Ang kaninang hindi ko maigalaw na mga braso ko ay kusang umangat para iwasan ang pagtatangka ni Mommy na hawakan ako. I also quickly turned my head away from her, to the other side of the room where no people so I wouldn't have to see her pained expression because there was nothing painful than what my heart was feeling right now. Gusto kong magwala, gusto kong magturo at manisi pero ang kaya kong gawin lang sa ngayon ay ang umiyak nang umiyak.

"F-Fraye…" Her voice was broken, sobs were in between but I still didn't turn to look at her.

"Excuse us…" And it took me so much courage not to vent to those doctors and tell them to take back what they said because I didn't want to accept it, instead, I just cried louder, curling myself as I pathetically hugged my stomach.

It hurt, so much. Mas masakit pa ito sa lahat ng mga sakit na pinagdaanan ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. It didn't feel like I wanted to shut the world up, it felt like it was my system that would shut down at this point. Ang sakit lang kasi ni hindi ko man lang nalaman na may nabubuhay na pala sa loob ko, ang sakit kasi hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakatong maramdaman ang presensiya nito, sobrang sakit kasi dugo namin ni Kuya Yoongi iyon.

Baby namin iyon…

Galit ako sa kaniya, pero pagkatapos ng mga nalaman ko? They sent him away, I understood how he just didn't have anything to do about it, and if it was really to fix himself, I would understand. What I couldn't understand was why did they have to hide it from me just so I could go my way, suffer everything while dealing it the wrong way! Kung sana sinabi nila at ipina-intindi nila sa akin, naging rasyonal sana ako, hindi ko maiisipang gawin iyong mga ginawa ko.

I could have behaved, and waited for when he would come back for me, for us.

"F-Fraye, I'm s-sorry… I'm s-so sorry…" Mommy was already crying beside me, if it wasn't of how my heart was starting to become numb because of the pain, I could have cried with her as she sympathised with me because that was I truly needed, but no… kawawa iyong baby ko. Ni wala pa siyang heartbeat! It felt like even before our heartbeats connected, we were already cut off from each other.

Nasasaktan din akong isiping ibinigay siya sa akin, an innocent angel given from me, imagine a hopeful angel wanting so much to see the light of the day, the world, and just because of my carelessness, her chance was taken away? I couldn't imagine an angel going back to heaven just because she was given to a wrong mother… I could have loved her more than everything, I could have given her everything, the world! I could have treasured her like the angel she was!

We could have given her the world…

Slowly shaking my head, letting my tear-stained cheeks brushed the pillow and my throat free more sobs, I once again moved my arms to avoid my Mommy's touch. Hindi maibabalik ng sorry niya ang nawala sa akin. They had been breaking my heart, and this time, they just ripped all of me, beyond repair.

"Serge…" Narinig ko ang umiiyak na boses ni Mommy na tila nagsusumbong kay Daddy. Our cries were what could only be heard around the room, but they were unaware how my insides were too painful, I just really wanted to shut down.

"Fraye, baby, we're here. You're not alone, you're with us all through this—"

I cut Daddy off. "L-Leave…" I brought my shaking hands over my mouth, muffling the loud sobs that wanted to escape because I knew I needed them, but not now when I was still so much full of resentment, not when I was still so much hurting and it was only them who I could blame.

Nanatili akong nakatalikod sa kanila hanggang sa maghari ang nakabinging katahimikan, mga iyak lang namin ni Mommy ang maririnig bago ako makarinig ng mga yapak papalayo.

The sound of the door softly opening and closing was what told me that they left, as I wished. Saka ko pa lang din tuluyang hinayaang ang sarili kong umiyak nang umiyak hanggang sa sumakit na ang lalamunan ko at mawalan na ako ng mga luhang ilalabas dahil sa pananakit ng mga mata ko.

It was the point of my life where living seemed so hard so I just wanted to end everything just so I wouldn't feel the pain anymore, just so I wouldn't be devastated anymore. It was that point of my life when it wasn't me who was in control, but the pain.

Ilang oras ang lumipas na wala akong imik sa loob ng kuwartong kinaroroonan ko, nakakatitig lang ako sa bintana kung saan kita ang malawak at maliwanag na kalangitan. I was of course aware of people coming in and out of the room, experts examining me every minute with my parents, I could also hear their talks but I did nothing, literally nothing.

At sa kada maaalala ko ang nangyari, sa tuwing maiisip ko iyong nawala sa akin, naluluha ako. My mind was already too tired to even question why this was all happening to me. Pagod na rin akong itanong kung may katapusan pa ba ang lahat ng ito. Pagod na rin akong itanong kung bakit sa akin nangyayari ito. I might have done something bad for me to deserve all this. Pagod na rin akong umasa na babalik pa si Kuya Yoongi para samahan ako sa lahat ng ito.

Just let me shut down please…

"What should do we? She has been awake for half a day, but she still hasn't eaten anything."

"I… I c-called the Mins, El. Maybe she just really needs Yoongi…"

"Serge, what have we d-done?"

"I know, I know. I'm so mad at myself right now, I ruined her life when all I wanted was just to protect her from being hurt. That's why I will seriously do anything for her to forgive me, to forgive us."

I heard soft and careful steps going my way but I still refused to give any attention, my eyes were still fixed sternly on the window. Kahit nang maramdaman ko ang pag-upo ng isa sa kanila sa upuan nasa gilid ng kama ko ay hindi pa rin ako umimik. They all could do anything, but nothing would heal the wound I had inside, nothing would bring back what I lost.

When a familiar strong manly scent soothed my nose, I knew it was my Daddy. For how much as I deprived them my emotions, I still failed not to tear up again because it was him, it was him who had been so stubborn here. It was him who had been hurting me so much. And now that I had been very damaged, saka niya pa lang mari-realize ang lahat ng pagpapahirap niya sa akin?

I meant, I couldn't have lost my baby if he just spared me trust. Kung sana nagtiwala siya sa akin at ipina-intindi sa akin ang lahat, hindi naman kailangan humantong sa ganito e. He wanted me away from Kuya Yoongi? He must have explained to me why and I would gladly confide. Hindi iyong hindi niya ako inimik ng sobrang tagal na para bang napakalaki ng kasalanan ko, na para bang sobrang disappointed siya sa akin. They actually should have understood me because they were also loving…

"Fraye…" He softly called me and when he didn't get anything from me, he bravely touched my hand so softly before lifting it up. Naramdaman ko ang mumunting halik niya sa likod ng palad ko. "I know you're mad at us, and I understand, you should be. You can also refuse to listen but I'll still talk."

Too late.

"You're my baby, my one and only, you know that. I have so much plans for you, plans only set for the future so when I found out about your relationship with Yoongi, it angered me. You're still so young, it terrified me thinking you'll grow up your way and not the way I was planning, and I realized that was selfish. I failed to see how you're already far from the baby girl I used to carry before, I failed to see how your emotions have grown and I failed to understand that you're already going your way, just how it's supposed to be because I was blinded with my own perspective. And I'm so sorry for that…" And for every sentence, my Daddy would kiss the back of my palm as what he was saying was only adding up to the pain in my heart.

"I took you away from Yoongi, firstly, because what happened was so sudden and rush. I was afraid you're not well prepared for love and you might get hurt. Secondly, upon knowing how Yoongi reacted when you're taken away from him, the kid went berserk, to the point the he needed to be tackled by their men because he wanted to see you. He needed to be watched out, and locked in their house to keep him from going to our house to get you. What terrified me the most was when they've found out some clearances of him saying that he has been visiting a person, consulting something about his… h-his mental stability—"

"He was visiting a Psychiatrist to deal with his anger disorder, Serge…" Pinutol ni Mommy ang sinasabi ni Daddy para itama siya.

"Yes, anger disorder as what they said. It sent me into making a decision that I couldn't let you be with a man with that kind of situation. It's not safe, what if he hurt you? He didn't want to stop, Fraye, he wanted you, to the point that his parents went to me to personally beg me to let their son at least see you. Yoongi is their weaknesses, but you're my precious. I couldn't be rest-assured to let you near someone that could hurt you so they promised me they'd send Yoongi abroad to talk with a better Psychiatrist, in exchange, I needed to assure their son that if he gets better, he'll have you…"

Together with my nonstop tears, no sobs, was the way my fingers were tightly clutching on the bedsheet to have something to hold on while I was finally hearing all the truth untold, truth that should have been told to me, truth that could have avoided all this from happening.

"Baby, it's all my fault I know, but I never wanted this for you. Kung alam ko lang na ganito ang mangyayari, I could have explained to you the situation and promised you to reunite you with Yoongi when he came back. I'll also understand if you won't forgive me, but just know that I'm here, we're here. We won't leave you, you'll get through this with us. I love you so much, it also devastates me that you've lost your baby, my grandchild, I'm so mad at myself so I'll let you be for now. Please, just please, for your sake, eat and take care of yourself…"

Nang binitawan ni Daddy ang kamay ko ay saka pa lang ako lumingon sa kinaroroonan nila. I had always known my Daddy to be the strong one, he always handled our family with power and braveness so when I saw him silently crying as if he was being careful not to get noticed by me, though my heart was still resenting them for what they did, I couldn't help but stare sadly at him. Iyon lang muna ang kaya kong gawin, ang i-acknowledge na nasasaktan din siya, sila para sa akin.

Just as he was about to step back from me, as if saying that I could have my time alone again, the door harshly pushed open, revealing the man I had longed to see again ever since everything started to get messy. Sa hitsura niya, tila tinakbo niya ang pagitan ng bansang pinagmulan niya at ng Pilipinas para lang makarating dito. His black hair, that was now longer than I could remember, was messy and dirty, his big and loose beige printed shirt was crumpled just like the baggy pants he was wearing, and the most pathetic thing about him was how his pair of kitten eyes were swollen with bags underneath them.

Kung kanina halos wala akong lakas para mai-angat man lang ang mga braso ko, nang makasalubong ng mga mata ko ang mga mata niyang tila hindi na nilugaran ng liwanag ay mabilis akong bumangon kasabay nang mabilis din niyang paghakbang papasok. And before I knew it, I was again crying so hard, but this time, in the arms of the man I had missed so much. It was only easy for him to place me on top of his lap as he sat on top of my bed, he cradled me like he did before when I was crying and hurt.

Mas naiyak pa ako nang muli kong maamoy ang pamilyar niyang bango, nagpapatunay na totoo ngang nandito siya at hindi ako nagha-hallucinate lang.

"K-Kuya… why did it take y-you so long to come back and g-get me?" I cried against his chest, my fingers clutching tightly at his shirt, the tube attached to the back of my palm was already ignored, and so were my parents. If he could have been here, we couldn't have lost our baby!

His arms that was around me hugged me tighter to his body as I felt him press long and deep kisses on my head. How could they even think that this man would ever hurt me? Siguro noon, pero hindi na niya kailanman inulit iyon. And it wasn't like what he was doing to me was really bad, it was like an older brother spanking his younger sister! They just didn't have any idea how Kuya Yoongi had made me feel so loved and treasured because they didn't even let us explain!

"I'm sorry for coming back this late… I'm sorry, baby…" he softly whispered to me in a soothing voice, it made me think if he was already informed about what happened, about our baby.

Inangat ko ang mukha ko para matitigan ko ang mukha niya, guwapo pa rin naman siya pero ang lubog niyang mga mata, maging mga pisngi ay masasabi kong nagbawas siya ng timbang. I pursed my lips when my eyes landed on his slightly parted red lips, remembering how long it was already since I had tasted those lips. At kahit na gusto ko mang halikan siya, kailangan muna niyang malaman ang nangyari.

As if on cue, realising that nothing would change if he would know, my eyes watered again as my lips quivered. Panic instantly washed over his face as he brought my face again to his chest, as if it wouldn't make me cry.

"Kuya, I l-lost our Luna…" I painfully broke out to him, I didn't want to give him a part of the pain I was going through, but I knew he needed to know. Anak namin iyon, kaya may karapatan siyang malaman. And I didn't want those doctors or our parents to tell it to him, it was me who should tell him.

Wala pang gender ang baby namin pero ako na mismo ang nagbigay-buhay rito, pakiramdam ko, bagay sa kaniya ang Luna. Our Luna…

Naramdaman ko ang paninigas niya kasabay nang unti-unting pagluwag ng mga braso niya, ilang sandali siyang natigilan na para bang hindi niya naintindihan ang sinabi ko kaya pinipilit niyang iproseso iyon. When his shaking hands cradle my face to slowly bring them up so he would see my face again, when my eyes caught how his eyes instantly filled with tears, I knew it hit him already, it hit him hard and painful.

"You… you're pregnant…?" he asked, voice careful but his eyes already betrayed him as tears already streamed down, glittering his white cheeks and killing my heart.

"I w-was…" I answered, probably, the pain in my heart was the same pain in his heart for the precious life we both lost.

Mariin siyang pumikit saka mariin ding isinara ang mga labi niya hanggang sa unti-unti nang manginig ang mga balikat niya dahil sa pag-iyak. He looked more devastated than ever. Na malamang, iyong imahe ko kanina ay katulad ng imahe niya ngayon.

I slowly sank into his body again, leaning my cheeks against his warm chest as we both cried for our loss. Muling bumalik sa pagkakapulupot sa akin ang mga braso niya para mas yakapin ako ng mahigpit. He started whispering me apologies and how he was blaming himself for what happened, as I shook my head for his every word, not acknowledging his self-pity.

We stayed like that for who knew how long until our breathing went peaceful, silence was reigning in the air as he hugged me to his chest, both of our hearts could be heard syncing together. Until he was already combing my hair with his long pianist fingers as I was leaving butterfly kisses in his chest. Until the long while was enough for us to slowly cope up with everything…

"Luna?" Mayamaya ay nagsalita siya sa mahinang tinig, sapat para kami lang ang makarinig.

"Luna, she w-was five weeks old in my womb, I heard. You think it s-suits her?"

"It's a beautiful name for an angel. It definitely suits her…" Naramdaman ko ang pagtango niya bago ko maramdaman ang pagsubsob ng mukha niya sa leeg ko. "I missed you so much…"

"I missed you too so much. I'm sorry they have to take you away from me…" Ngumuso ako nang maalala ko ang mga sinabi ni Daddy. Kuya Yoongi had done everything just to see me again, just to get me back again. For how strong he was as a person, with his name, he would also be tackled down when held by their Min Agents.

Naisip ko pa lang siyang nagmamatigas at nagwawala para lang mapuntahan ako, naiisip ko pa lang na baka sa pagwawala niya habang hawak siya ng mga tauhan nila at baka nasaktan siya ay parang gusto ko na namang magalit.

"Don't worry, I won't let them take me away from you again. I would seriously raise hell if they try again. I've already gone through what they asked me, look, I didn't know if they've already told you, but it has been ages already since I stopped seeing a Psychiatrist because when I started realising your mean to me, it was all enough to fix what was wrong with me. You're my fix, and they couldn't understand that. Mas ikakasira ko kung malalayo ako sa'yo, and they're too stupid for not knowing that."

"I'm sorry, son…"

Nagulat ako nang marinig ko ang mahinang boses ni Tito Thomas, hindi ko alam na nandito rin sila. When I raised my head to look behind Kuya Yoongi, I saw our parents watching us sadly. It had also been long since I last saw our parents together so it wasn't a surprise to see how they built a fair amount of distance between each other. Nasa magkabilang gilid sila ng silid.

"I can't still forgive you, Papa. I've begged you so many times, even knelt before you just so you wouldn't send me to Seoul but you played deaf. I've told you so plenty of times that it would ruin me to be away from her but you all didn't listen. I won't forgive, more so when we've lost our baby because of all of your knowing tactics." Matigas ang boses ni Kuya Yoongi nang magsalita siya kasabay nang pagbagsak ng expression ng mga magulang niya, hindi niya iyon nakikita dahil nakatalikod siya sa mga ito.

Tita Bella instantly breaking apart in Tito Thomas' arms, as the latter only gave me an apologetic look, clearly understanding where Kuya Yoongi was coming from. From the other side of the room, I also saw my parents staring at them with a troubled look, my father looking guiltier then ever.

"Y-Yoongi hijo, h-hindi kasalanan ng mga magulang mo iyon. It was me who wanted you out—"

"The same goes for all of you. I'm sorry Tito Serge, you're Julie's father, my respect to you is high, but you only didn't make me gone through suffering, I followed what you all wanted in hopes that when I came back, everything would be fine, that I'll have my love again, but what happened was otherwise, no one took care of her enough to avoid this. Also, I know I've done something you didn't want, I pursued your daughter behind your back, but I love her and I won't ever hurt her like you all assume I will do. I'll seriously appreciate if you all leave us alone first…"

They heard how stern and indestructible Kuya Yoongi's voice was that they knew, no one could break through it so after giving us one last apologetic look, they all silently left the room, leaving us alone to still mourn.

"Let's lie down, hm?" The moment he heard the door softly shut closed, he gently fixed me in his lap just so he could carefully lie me down. Nang maihiga niya ako ay humiga rin siya sa tabi ko. I turned so I was facing him, just as he slipped his arm underneath my neck for me to lay on, his other arm snaked around my waist to pull me close to his body. "If you want to sleep, you can and I promise when you wake up, I'll still be here. I won't leave again, we won't be apart from each other again," he said when we were both comfortable already in each others embrace.

"Kiss me for a seal…" I shyly said, dragging my eyes to look at his lips only to see them slowly stretch for a smirk. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko kaya muli akong napatitig sa mga mata niya dahil tuluyan nang naging ngiti iyon, ipinapakita ang gummy smile niyang sobrang na-miss ko. It was the first smile I had seen from him since we were apart!

"Is that a demand from my pretty demanding baby?" he asked amusedly, his old self returning so fast.

"I'll just sleep then—" Hindi ko na natapos ang sinasabi ko maging ang akmang pagsubsob ko sa dibdib niya dahil pinutol na niya ang distansiya ng mga mukha namin para halikan ako. It was just a long steady kiss, enough to fill my heart again after the long time of emptiness it had gone through.

"Sleep now, baby, our Luna will be fine at where she is now, she might have never been ours, she was still ours, both our bloods. She will be a memory we'll both treasure and continue to reminisce, not for pain but to at least remind ourselves that we have an angel from above."

What he said was all enough to make up to all the pain and all the loss I had gone through, at least, for now.

"Let's sleep because after this, I still have one person I need to talk to."

"Who?" takang-tanong ko dahil iniisip kong baka Psychiatrist na naman ang gusto niyang kausapin ngayon.

"Jimin fvcking Park, that stupid thug who's very under his manipulative brat of a girlfriend."