Chapter Thirty-four

Hardly biting my lower lip to the point that I could bet it was already drawing blood, tightly hugging the thin sheet to my chest using my one hand, I weakly yet expertly let my fingers that held tightly my pencil to finish the image I was sketching on the already messy paper. Pa-minsan-minsan ay sumusulyap ako sa kama kung saan bahagyang liwanag lang ang mayroon para siguraduhing tama ang bawat kiskis ng lapis ko sa papel.

I was almost done, just a few touches only and I would be out of his room to go back to my own room.

He was too peaceful and too blessing to watch, even more blissful if I didn't take off his arms that comfortably held me earlier. The short nap I had left from was all enough for my mind to circulate things, keeping me from sleeping back again.

Though hurting, as if it was being pricked by millions of sharp needles, my heart still managed to unbelievably pound within my chest seeing his peaceful sleeping form on the bed. Nakadapa siya, ang kabilang pisngi ay nasa unan kaya nakaharap sa akin ang guwapo niyang mukha, ilang hibla ng itim na itim niyang bangs ang tumatabon sa noo niya habang bahagyang nakanguso. His milky and toned broad back was very much in sight, blessing my eyes for the thick comforter only covered his lower half, and I could only press my legs together remembering what he had contained beneath the sheets.

It was just inside me earlier…

I was completely stained, for real. Wala akong pinagsisisihan doon. What we did was something so deep-rooted, and sensual, it was something only our hearts could explain because though we were very much sober and sane while we were doing it, I knew, my mind was hazy as it weakly let my heart once again rule my overall system. Na siguro nga sobrang kakaibang pakiramdam ang ipinadama sa akin ng mga ginawa namin, na alam kong kung pinangunahan lang ako ng matino kong pag-iisip, alam kong hindi kami mahuhulog sa ganoon.

Pero uulitin ko. Wala akong pinagsisisihan.

Earlier, as he showered me kisses, as he touched my body as if he was praising such a treasured gem, he made me feel so special and loved. Earlier, not like how I thought it would be, earlier, all I felt was love. Na dati iniisip ko, couples only do that thing because their bodies seek for it. Yes, the body did, one clear evidence was how my body was burning so much while he had me underneath him, but aside from that, the biggest factor, it was the feeling of wanting to show your partner how much you can love them the way no one can…

Hindi ako inosente, pero bago ako sa ganoon. Did I come ignorant? I wasn’t, because I followed what my heart told me to do. Hindi iyon tungkol sa kung gaano kagaling ang isang tao, hindi iyon tungkol sa dami ng karanasan ng isang tao sa bagay na iyon… tungkol iyon sa kung paano mo ipapakita ang pagmamahal mo.

I was vulnerable underneath him, because it was only him who I had ever let see my vulnerability… because I loved him.

That was one sore… yet undeniable truth. The idea was terrifying. I loved him, and so, I was all out to him. Na kung noon ay todo-deny pa ako, ngayon ay sigurado na ako. I wouldn't feel too much and too heavy deep within my heart if this wasn't love.

Quickly raising my hand to catch the stray tear that fell from my eyes, I deeply uttered a sigh as I finally finished the sketch. My fingers ending it with three words written poorly in a very small font at the left lower part of the page. Marahan ko iyong hinipan saka tumayo na mula sa pagkaka-upo sa mataas na stool, yakap-yakap pa rin ng mahigpit ang bedsheet.

I love you

Also, I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t like what we did. I just needed time to think because I was still shocked from it. I was still hung up and I needed my space alone so I could think properly.

I needed time to process everything, I needed time to fully accept that I gave myself to him. To the man who was once my nightmare, to the very man I would have never thought I would give it to… but I did.

I silently walked towards the bed, shortly drank into his beautiful sleeping form before I carefully leaned down on him, my fingers clutching tightly at the sheet in my chest as I smoothly pecked his pouting lips. Tinakasan pang muli ng panibagong luha ang mata ko. Why this hurt, I didn’t know.

Did love suppose to hurt like this?

“M-Merry Christmas, Kuya…” I whispered before I turned around. Bago tuluyang lumabas ay kinuha ko muna ang drawing ko at chineck ang hallway dahil baka may mga gising pang maids sa labas. When I made sure the coast was clear, I quickly strode towards my bedroom, instantly closing the door when I got in and skipped to the bathroom.

I hoped a dip in a tub filled with cold water would help me think deeply and properly about what I had just got myself into.

Seriously, it didn’t. Nilamig lang ako dahil sa matagal kong pagkakababad sa malamig na tubig. Kung hindi ko pa nararamdaman ang pagtunog ng mga nag-uuntugan kong ngipin sa lamig ay hindi pa ako aahon, nagkakaguhit na rin ang mga palad ng mga daliri ko at pakiramdam ko, naninigas na ang buong katawan ko. I also tried to close my eyes and get a good nap while in the tub, but the moment I closed my eyes, memories of what happened was quick to appear into the darkness, moving like motions pictures for me to fantasize.

Pinapa-init noon ang sistema ko. I could also feel my cheeks burn and my stomach tingle. Ni hindi ko alam kung makakatulog ba ako pagkatapos ng nangyari! I was afraid my mind would continue revisiting fragments of it! Nakakatakot na baka kapag hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko, maunahan na naman ako ng papansin kong puso at baka bumalik na lang ako sa kuwarto ni Kuya Yoongi.

That wouldn't be good now that I was still a whole ball of soreness.

As expected, buong magdamag akong nagpabaling-baling lang sa kama ko. There were times when I just lay silent, wandering wide eyes on the ceiling as my cheeks were being roasted with thoughts of how I managed to take into his huge—okay, I’ll stop from that. There were also times when I pushed my face down to my pillow and screamed in frustration with the thoughts of how willing and giving I was underneath him. And there was even a time when I stupidly fell down to the ground from tossing around, reminding me how sore I was downtown.

Ang sinag ng araw na tumatagos sa kurtina ng balcony ko ang nagbigay sa akin ng ideyang umaga na at kahit idlip man lang sa kuwarto ko ay wala akong nagawa. I had a short nap last night inside Kuya Yoongi’s arms but maybe because my mind was still hanging, I had to wake up to think through what we did. Kaya ngayon, talagang hindi na ako pinatulog nito. I also didn’t have the courage to get up and walk out of my room, to meet Kuya Yoongi because for sure, I would only be a blushing mess in front of him. Worst, baka may mabanggit pa akong hindi maganda sa harap ng mga magulang ko.

Kaya kahit na ilang beses ko nang naririnig ang mga mararahang katok sa pinto ng kuwarto ko ay nanatili akong tahimik habang nakatitig sa kisame. My eyes once again watering, it seriously confused me why I had been tearing up. Sumasakit pa rin ang puso ko pero madali iyong napapalitan ng kiliti sa tiyan ko sa tuwing maaalala ko ang mga kaganapan kagabi.

Ni ayaw akong patahimikin ng isipan ko sa mga posibleng iniisip ni Kuya Yoongi ngayon. I meant, what did we suppose to do? Act like nothing happened? Clearly, I couldn't do that. Not when what he took from me was something I had long ago treasured and preserved. Pero naisip ko rin, puwedeng normal na bagay lang iyon para sa kaniya.

Na baka ako lang naman talaga itong nag-o-overthink, at ginagawang big deal iyon. Pero big deal naman talaga…

“C’mon, baby, open the door…”

Heat once again scorched my whole body when I heard Kuya Yoongi’s soft yet raspy voice behind the door. Kinabahan din ako dahil hindi niya basta puwedeng sabihin iyon gayong posibleng may mga nagkalat ng maids sa bahay ngayon, baka rin hindi pa nakaka-alis sila Mommy at Daddy. What if they heard him? I didn’t think I still could afford to think about that, when I was still so full and very messed up thinking about last night.

Inis kong hinila ang comforter na nasa baywang ko para itakip sa mukha ko saka ako umikot para dumapa. I dipped my face into my pillow, restricting a sob from escaping my mouth. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit ako umiiyak. Was it about my lost innocence before marriage? Naiiyak ba ako dahil hindi ganito ang inaasahan ko? Umiiyak ba ako dahil pakiramdam ko, hindi ko kayang panindigan kung anumang kahinatnan ng ginawa namin?

We had sex, I gave myself to him, and the idea of what was entailed of it terrified me.

Magiging tungkol na lang ba roon ang relasyon namin? I wanted something serious and deep with him, yes, making love to him was serious and deep, but I didn’t want our relationship to be just like that. What about our families? Hirap na nga kaming pareho noong wala pang nangyayari sa amin, paano pa kaya ngayon? Baka itakwil ako ng mga magulang ko oras na malaman nila…

I didn’t want a toxic love, though our love wasn’t toxic, my mind was making it one.

“You still asleep? Julie, please…” Sumakit ang dibdib ko nang humina ang boses niya. “Open the door, let’s talk.”

I wasn’t up for any talk for today. I didn’t want to talk about anything that regarded what happened last night, most importantly, I didn’t want any of him right now. At least until I fixed the mess that was my mind!

“You know, you can’t stay in your room all day, baby. I won’t leave your manor without talking with you, or at least seeing you. Tell me, do you regret what… what h-happened?” His voice finally broke that pained my heart more than it was already hurting.

Mariin akong pumikit habang nakasubsob pa rin sa unan ko, tuluyan nang lumaya ang mga luhang kanina lang ay namumuo sa mga mata ko at ang mga hikbing nagpapasakit sa lalamunan ko.

I didn’t, like I would never. I didn't regret giving myself to him, I would never regret it. I was just terrified because I was new to this. But then, hearing his soft pleas, I realized, I wasn’t alone in this. I had him, I could cower down, and be afraid but I knew, he would never leave me, he would never make me feel alone and isolated… I knew, he would handle both of us just like how he had been doing.

May tiwala naman ako sa kaniya… kaya buong puso kong ibinigay sa kaniya ang sarili ko kagabi, masakit lang talaga sa didbib kasi takot ako. Kasi hindi ko napaghandaan. But then that was it! That was what made it beautiful, I wasn't ready, I didn't see it coming, I wasn't expecting it, but still, we both made it perfect. The feeling was new but beautiful…

Slowly getting up, with my messy curly hair ghosting around my head, I stood up and strode towards the door. Matagal din akong tumitigl sa pinto, iniisip na nasa likod lang siya noon at ramdam ko na ang pananabik ng katawan ko sa kaniya. He didn’t need to kiss me or to make love to me again, I just wanted his arms wrap around me like how we always did. I just wanted the safety he always gave me… his assurance the most.

“You know… I love you, I’ve always have, like ever since your existence’s known to me, ever since my eyes have landed to your little pretty form that day. I’m not also forgetting all the bad things I did to you before, for you, they might be assaults, but for me, those were deed to assure myself that I hold you and that you’re mine…”

Hindi ko siya nakikita pero habang unti-unting pinoproseso ng utak ko ang bawat mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya, hindi ko mapigilang magbalik-tanaw sa mga nangyari noon. Truth be told, sobrang dami na nga talagang nangyari sa amin. I would also admit that a lot of them were desperately thrown out from my mind, only those bad things that hurt me. Hindi rin kailanman pumasok sa isip ko na noon pa lang… may nararamdaman na siya sa akin.

His ways to show me was misled, but then he said, it was his way to assure himself that he owned me. He was a dominant, so it was only reasonable. Siguro sa ganoong paraan, iniisip niyang may control siya sa buhay ko. And yes, he had, he had always had.

Inangat ko ang kamay ko at idinikit sa pinto. I could feel how he didn’t feel good about what he did to me before… he sounded so disappointed of himself. And I hoped, I could do something to make him feel fine.

“Trust me, Julie, the past few months, I’ve tried so hard to contain myself, I even thought of a different way on how to hold you down without hurting you. Also, you don’t have any idea how happy you’ve made me when you finally started easing up with me. Baby, please, let’s not let what happened last night be a reason for us to drift away from each other, just in case you don’t know, I was the happiest last nigh—“

Hindi ko na hinintay pang matapos niya ang sinasabi niya dahil punong-puno na ako, na kung nakikita lang sa mukha ko ang pag-iinit ng mga pisngi ko, baka pulang-pulang na ako at kung nakikita lang ang mga insektong nagliliparan sa loob ng tiyan ko, baka ako pa ang nagpalaya sa kanila. It was too much, his loving acts were always damning me, they were always too moving, but sweet words from him that littered his truthful mind was too wrecking and heart-hammering.

Baka kapag hindi siya tumigil ay magpakuwento na lang ako sa kaniya ng lahat ng mga nararamdaman niya sa akin noon. I could go all day with his arms around me, he could try.

The moment the door was pulled open, I didn’t have the time to check for his appearance anymore for my hands instantly reached for him and pulled him in, my other hand quickly pushing the door close. Hindi ko na rin hinintay pang makapag-react siya dahil kaagad na akong sumobsob sa dibdib niya, at niyakap siya ng mahigpit. Drinking into his strawberry scent that I loved so much, tears quickly sprang free from my eyes as I cried softly against his hard chest.

Why even after every bad thing he did to me, I still ended up loving him, I didn’t know. What I was sure though was that if given a chance to choose who I wanted to love, I wouldn’t want any other man that wasn’t him… it would still be him with all the bad history we had. It was us, that bad history, kung wala iyon, walang kami. So instead of looking for its good side, I would just embrace it because it was us.

Tatanggapin ko lahat ng iyon, katulad ng pagtanggap ng puso ko sa kaniya kahit na marami siyang nagawang mali sa akin noon. His flaws didn't define him as a person, what mattered was he had changed, for me, he did.

“You scared me big time…” he softly said, his hands wrapping around me the way I had been wanting, his face going its way into my neck as he inhaled my scent. “Waking up without you in my arms after taking you, sht, I thought you didn’t like it!”

“I’m also scared, K-Kuya…” I answered lowly.

“You don’t have anything to be scared about, baby. Just stay with me, and I’ll handle everything, hm.” Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko at bahagyang inangat para matitigan niya ang mukha ko. Smiling handsomely with his pretty gummy smile that made his eyes disappear, he slowly leaned down on me to claim my lips in a soft yet long kiss, smile still lingering as it also brought my lips to stretch for a smile in between the kiss. “I love you.”

I loved how those three words were freed simply from his mouth but the effect it was giving me was too much. Hindi yata ako masasanay na marinig iyon mula sa kaniya.

Natatawang tinapik ko ang kamay niya nang sinubukan niyang abutin ang buhok niyang inaayos ko. I needed to look at the iPad that sat properly on the coffee table in front of us to see his reaction since I was sitting on the couch behind him, he sat on the carpeted floor, in between my legs. Hindi na namin pa pinagtutuunan ng pansin ang mga viewers na nag-iiwan ng comments dahil abala ako sa pagtatali ng buhok na nasa bunbunan niya samantalang madalas naman siyang walang paki-alam talaga.

Nagpigil ako ng ngiti nang makitang tamad na tamad lang siyang nakatitig sa kung saan, bahagya pang nalalaglag sa tuktok ng ilong niya ang suot niyang salamin. Wala namang kaso sa kaniya sa tuwing isinasama ko siya sa mga livestream ko, kung minsan, kapag nasa mood siya ay talaga namang nagbibigay siya ng ngiti sa mga roses ko, pero hindi ngayon.

His face was in a lazy scowl almost the whole hour we were doing a live. Nariyang hihikab siya at pipikit. Bahala na ang mga viewers namin na mag-screenshot ng mga pinaggagawa niya, hahanapin ko na lang sa mga tags ang mga iyon. I would just search #yoongi and a lot of his contents would appear already. Minsan naka-tag pa ako sa mga iyon.

People were still clueless about us when we were almost going out to the public. Kahit siguro maglambingan pa kami ni Kuya Yoongi sa bawat livestream ko ay hindi pa rin nila maiisipang paghinalaan kami. Sarado ang isipan nila tungkol sa posibilidad ng sa amin ni Kuya Yoongi, instead, mas bukas na bukas pa ang isipan nila sa non-existent relationship namin ni Daniel Kang.

The rapper-model had been lie-lowing from the social media the past days, I heard from his fans that he was busy working on an album that was why. Nakakatakot na baka iyon iyong album kung saan ako ang gusto niyang maging leading lady niya. Thankful din akong wala naman siyang binabanggit tungkol doon, at sana lang, huwag na siyang umasa na papayag ako.

Like, acting wasn't my thing, and there was just no way I would bring more chaos into my life. Kilala siya internationally, ayaw ko namang buong mundo ang umaway sa akin dahil lang ako ang masuwerteng babaeng kasama niya sa isang music video. Also, I didn't know how Kuya Yoongi would take that.

“There!” masayang sabi ko nang matapos kong itali ang isa sa mga pigtails na ginawa ko sa buhok ni Kuya Yoongi. His black soft hair was in an undercut, the upper part was already long enough to be tied.

“Julie, you’re making fun of me again…” he lowly said. Hindi ko alam kung galit ba siya o sadyang tamad na tamad lang. Hindi naman siya kumikilos para pagilan ako kaya alam kong ayos lang sa kaniya. I sometimes let him play with the tail of my hair, or with my fingers, sometimes even willingly let him caress my stomach underneath my shirt when we were sat so close to each other and alone at the living room.

“But you look pretty! You should get along with my Kuya Fern, you both look girly!” natatawang sabi ko, kulang na lang ay hilahin ko ang mukha niya palapit sa akin at pupugin siya ng halik, kaso hindi puwede iyon dahil bukod sa nasa living room kami ng manor ay naka-live kami.

“Tsk, don’t compare me with your thug of a cousin, I’m not pretty.” Umayos siya ng upo saka inilapit sa screen ang mukha niya, hindi para ipakita sa mga viewers namin ang guwapong mukha niya kung hindi para makita ang mukha niya habang inaayos niya ang bangs at salamin niya.

I seriously caught my breath when he did that, and so for sure, did our viewers. Minsan nakaka-inis na masyado siyang oblivious sa epekto niya sa akin at sa ibang tao. Like, was he even aware how handsome he was that his face could startruck anyone? That his beauty could take anyone's breath away? He could put a stop into anyone's world? He could make anyone doubt God's mortal creation and second think if he was really real?

I guessed he wasn't.

“Kuya!” inis kong tawag sa kaniya. Nang sinalubong niya ang mga mata ko sa screen ay ngumuso ako saka humalukipkip. Akala ko ay hindi niya maiintindihan ang gusto kong sabihin pero nangingiting tumango siya saka lumayo sa screen at bumalik sa pagitan ng mga hita ko, naramdaman ko pa ang palihim niyang paghaplos sa isang binti ko.

“Pretty, pretty baby…” mahinang bulong niya nang tininangala niya ako na nagpa-init ng lubos ng mga pisngi ko. I just pouted deeply, leaning into the coffee table, my chest lightly grazing his shoulder that sent tingles all over my stomach. Kumaway ako sa screen saka nagbigay ng maikling pagpapaalam bago ko tinapos ang livestream.

Kapag hindi ko ginawa iyon, baka may masabi pa siyang hindi dapat.

"Hm, pretty, pretty jealous baby." And he laughed amusingly that made me a whole ball of blush.

Those were just one again of our lazy times at home before New Year finally arrived. May pagkakataon pang dumalaw sina Kuya Fern at Kuya Key, parehong mukhang pinagbagksan ng langit ang mga hitsura. Pasalamat sila at wala si Kuya Yoongi noong mga panahong iyon dahil hindi ko maipapangakong magiging maganda ang pagkikita nila.

Kuya Yoongi had never been violent towards them, but every time they would be in the same place, he never hid his obvious disgust to my cousins. I couldn’t think of any possible reason why he hated my cousins so much but then, he hated everyone, siguro nga ganoon lang talaga siya. Puwede naman iyon e, huwag na silang magtagpo pa, tapos ang usapan.

Hinayaan ko nang tumalon mula sa kandungan ko si Milktea para magtungo kay Kuya Fern na nakahanda na ang mga braso sa paglapit niya. A maid had already prepared snacks for them but they weren’t still having any of those snacks. Si Kuya Key ay kunot ang noong nakatitig sa phone niya na tila naghihintay ng kung ano mula roon.

I couldn't expect them to be here just because they already ran out of girls to play with. Sila pa ba? Pero hindi ko rin naman puwedeng isipin na wala lang ang parehong masamang timpla ng mga mukha nila. I meant, it was probably so rare for them to be heartbroken by a girl, what more having them both here at the same time, with those faces as if they had just been dumped by the girl they liked?

That was like the rareness of the bluemoon in the presence of the sun. But then, eclipse happens. And it was maybe that time of the phenomenon.

"Why you girls never seem to fall out of love from the man who hurt you? I mean, do you find the pleasure of being repeatedly hurt? Nagpabugbog na lang sana kayo." Kuya Fern, as long as he had Milktea settled on top of his lap, the ball of black fur sitting relaxed, his gaze rolled toward my form.

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko alam kung bakit sa akin niya itinatanong iyon. It wasn't like I had the experience, they didn't even know how my love life was doing. Isa rin sila sa dahilan kung bakit wala akong naging boyfriend noon.

"Hey idiot, why are you asking my Frayanne about that?" Kuya Key, from being too focused on his phone, angrily scowled at Kuya Fern.

"She's a girl—"

"That doesn't mean, she's as stupid as Soft! You know what, your girl's the blame for this, how dare she pull Ara from me just to join her pity-party—"

"Fvck you, Key! Mag-best friend sila! If you truly know Ara, then you should know how inseparable they are! Why blame Soft for your incapability to make your girl stay with you?!"

I panicked when they started raising voices at each other. They always fought, like every single second they were together, but they never got to the point where they seemed too ready to risk it all against each other. At hindi ako makapaniwalang dahil ito sa mga babae.

"I should blame you then?! For your incapability to make her fall in love with you and make her forget about her ex?! I warned you about her!" Kuya Key already stood up from his seat, pointing fingers to Kuya Fern.

"No. Blame yourself, Whiskey. Baka naman kasi nagpakatanga ka lang din kay Ara? You feel insecure because you're not assured about her feelings? Key, man up, don't blame other people. Or why don't you blame Ara?"

Mabilis akong napatayo nang mawala sa paningin ko si Kuya Key at nang matagpuan ko siya ay kinukuwelyuhan na niya si Kuya Fern na naka-upo pa rin. The cat on his lap instantly jumped off him in surprise. Hinintay kong makalapit siya sa akin, dinampot ko siya saka ako umatras palayo sa mga pinsan ko. I didn't like violence, and I knew, that if they would decide to throw punches to each other, I knew there was nothing I could do but watch. Takot ko lang na maki-alam sa kanila.

"Si Soft ang puno't dulo nito, just in case you're forgetting, Fernando!" With his prominent muscles, it didn't take much effort for Kuya Key to lift Kuya Fern from the couch and threw him to the floor.

I watched in horror as Kuya Fern quickly stood up and before I could even form a frantic sound from my throat, Kuya Key was already stumbling backward when Kuya Fern's fists harshly landed on his face. Hindi siya bumagsak kaya madali lang din siyang naka-unday ng suntok pabalik kay Kuya Fern. It all happened so fast that I didn't know I was already crying while watching them.

They never threw a fist to each other, aside from their fake hits when they were both pissing off one another so it scared me to watch them fight like this. Ni hindi na nila inisip na nandito ako…

"S-Stop please…" I uttered broken and scared in the middle of my silent sobs, letting Milktea break free from my arms. Though they stopped instantly upon hearing my broken voice, it didn't ease me up for I never wanted to see them hurting each other. And all for the girls I hadn't even personally met. Just what did those girls have for them to drive my cousins into hurting each other?

"F-Frayanne…" Ang malambot na boses ni Kuya Key ang pumuno sa buong living room. His lower lip had a cut, a bit of blood was ripped through it, the bottom of his left eye was bruised. Nang binalingan ko si Kuya Fern ay ganoon din siya. His feminine features were also bruised, cuts there and there, his long hair was in a mess as some strands of it messily framed his face.

"Why d-don't you both man up and be mature with your f-feelings?" I asked brokenly, the idea that they were hurting pained me already, what more witnessing them like this?

This only showed me that love also has an ugly part, that love isn't about just tingles, kisses and hugs, love also is about pain and hatred.

"F-Fraye, look, it's not what it looks—"

"Kung hindi niyo kayang panindigan ang nararamdaman niyo, then don't love! Don't love!" Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko saka tumalikod na at patakbong umakyat ng hagdan para makabalik na sa kuwarto ko.

I hated how they opened my eyes to see that love can also make a person into someone else entirely. I hated how they both showed me the access to see that… just when I was being comfortable with love.

"Frayanne! No, wait!"

"Fraye, it's not like that!"

Hindi ko na pinakinggan pa ang mga sinasabi nila dahil nang marating ko ang pinto ng kuwarto ko ay mabilis akong pumasok saka sumampa sa kama. Umiyak ako nang umiyak, sa loob-loob ko ay nagsisimula na akong mamuhi sa mga babaeng naging dahilan kung bakit nagkakaganoon ang mga pinsan ko. Pumasok din sa isip ko si Kuya Yoongi.  I couldn't help but think about what ifs, like what if we both came to the point where we were already both hurting each other, wrecked each other and gave up on each other?

Kakayanin ko ba? Hindi ko alam, basta ang alam ko, kung ngayon mangyayari iyon, hindi ko kakayanin.

"Sweet pea, I heard what happened between your cousins. Are you okay?"

I knew, right after I heard soft knocks on the door of my room, I knew it was my Mommy. Hindi ako nagsalita at hinintay siyang makalapit sa kama ko. The shifting of weight at the side of my bed indicated that she sat on my bed as I then felt her soft caresses on my arm. Kahit papaano ay pinagaan ng ginawa niyang iyon ang bigat na nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko.

My mind was still having the thoughts of what happened between Kuya Key and Kuya Fern earlier, and about how love can truly drive one into doing something that isn't pleasing for one's sight. Naisip kong hanggang doon ang kayang gawin ng mga pinsan ko, o isa lang iyon sa mga kaya pa nilang gawin para lang sa pag-ibig… kaya hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung hanggang saan naman ang kaya kong gawin.

Could I also go onto the heights of hurting the people I loved just for love itself?

"Fraye, they already asked an apology to each other. Hindi rin sila masayang kailangan mong masaksihan ang mga ginawa nila. It probably shocked you… I'm sorry."

My throat instantly hurt as I heard how her voice broke. It should be me who was apologizing for keeping from her, from them my relationship with Kuya Yoongi. Nakaka-guilty dahil ayaw kong isipin ng mga magulang ko na kasalanan nila ang lahat. It wasn't like I was shocked about what happened, I just couldn't believe how my cousins really fist-fought in front of me just because of love.

It stained my idea of love.

"Sweet pea, c'mon, you didn't eat dinner. Come, I'll prepare you dinner—"

"I'm sorry, M-Mommy…" I uttered lowly as I slowly turned around to face her. It even pained me seeing trouble lurking on her beautiful face. "I'm so so s-sorry…"

"Ssh, none of this is your fault, sweet pea. You want me to sleep beside you tonight?"

Umiling ako pero nginitian lang niya ako saka siya yumuko para halikan ako sa noo.

"Okay. But I'll stay until you fall asleep. You need to eat a lot tomorrow before we go to the Min mansion for ditching dinner tonight."

"Maybe a m-milk will work for me…" And I smiled as I blinked fast to wipe away the tears that filled my eyes.

Kinabukasan, dahil huling araw ng taon, hindi na pumasok ang mga magulang ko sa office. Maaga kaming nagising at sabay-sabay na nag-breakfast dahil maaga rin kaming pupunta sa Min mansion ngayon para roon naman salubungin ang bagong taon kasama ang Min family. Daddy also mentioned to me about my cousins and assured me that it wouldn't happen again.

For them, what mattered was how what happened had scared me, what they didn't know was for me, what mattered was how both of my cousins showed the flawed part of love. I wanted my parents to educate me about that, to assure me that love might be flawed, I wanted them to assure me that not all love does.

That there was that kind of love that isn't flawed, that kind of love that's perfect… I wanted that love to be ours.

"Fraye! Why are you growing so fast, becoming such a very gorgeous lady, I don't wanna know! Serge, wala pa bang umaaligid dito?!" Tita Bella, instead of reuniting with my parents first, it was me who her beautiful pair of eyes had caught. Mabilis niyang ibinahagi ang mga braso niya para sa akin kaya kahit na abala pa ako sa paninitig sa kabuuan ng silid para hanapin ang boyfriend ko ay wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang lumapit sa kaniya.

"My princess is still too young, Bella. I trust that she's very much aware how my heart will break if she'd let boys flirt with her," pabirong sagot ni Daddy pero hindi ko mapigilang matigilan sa mga braso ni Tita Bella.

Yes, I was very much aware how Daddy was too protective of me, but it never crossed my mind that he would be so serious about it. Not when I was already turning eighteen next month. Hindi pa rin ba puwede kahit eighteen na ako?

"Serge! Dalaga na ang anak natin! Let her do her thing, date boys her age and enjoy! Kaya siguro walang ipinapakilalang boyfriend iyan dahil sa'yo!" inis na sabat ni Mommy na nakapagpahalakhak kay Tita Bella at Tito Thomas.

"No, no, you should hear yourself, El. She's still a baby, you don't understand, she's my most priced possession, thinking about some boy out there taking her away from seriously kills me."

"How come I don't understand when she literally came from me?! She's my blood, my flesh and all of me, Sergio!"

Bumitaw ako kay Tita Bella saka lumapit kay Mommy at kumapit sa braso niya dahil hindi ko gusto kung paanong nagtataasan na sila ng mga boses. Sanay naman akong ganito sila palagi, they always fought because of me, sometimes even going to the point that they were both counting their privileges in my life only to realize they were both my parents and they were both equal in my life. I just couldn't afford to witness another fight when the fight of my cousins was still so fresh in my mind.

Instinctively, Mommy pulled me to her body as she gave Daddy a tongue out, that eased everyone in the room. Natatawang umiling si Daddy bago ngumuso saka ibinuka ang mga braso.

"C'mon, Fraye, don't be unfair. Where's my hug?"

"You're such a crydaddy, Sergio," pang-aasar ni Tito Thomas kay Daddy bago siya tumalikod na para pangunahan ang lahat sa living room.

From my Mommy's arms, I then walked towards my Daddy and let him hug me as we all followed Tito Thomas. Na-abala na si Mommy at Tita Bella sa pag-uusap ng kung ano, ganoon din sina Daddy at Tito Thomas, the latter turning lightly to look at Daddy, business was conversed in between them.

Pagdating sa living room, nang ma-settle na kaming lahat ay saka pa lang ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na isatinig ang kanina ko pang gustong itanong. With my palms hardly brushing on my lap that was covered with the tail of my vintage dress, I first turned to look at Daddy who was already too engulfed in talking with Tito Thomas who sat in front of him. I even heard them talking about Kuya Yexel's arrival. Kung kailan, hindi ko na narinig pa dahil bumaling na ako kay Tita Bella.

"Tita…" I lowly called her. Suminghap pa ako nang nakangiting bumaling siya sa akin dahil nagpapakita ang mga mapuputi niyang ngipin. They were short too, just like Kuya Yoongi's, her gums were pink and were showing from how the way her lips stretched.

Kuya Yoongi's smile was taken after this beautiful lady, while his kitten eyes were taken after his father. His parents were both very white so his pale moon-kissed skin wasn't a surprise anymore.

"Uh, i-is Kuya Yoongi home?" Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko nang mabilis na umagat ang parehong mga kilay ni Tita Bella at mas lumapad pa ang ngiti.

My heart pounded hardly, seeing how happy she was upon hearing his son being mentioned by me. Nakita ko pa kung paanong nagtitigan sila ni Mommy saka sabay na humalkhak. My cheeks heated up, not knowing what was that for.

"So it's really true that you're already getting along so well with your Kuya Yoongi,  Fraye?" namamanghang tanong ni Tita Bella na nagpanguso sa akin. I wanted to hear her answer and not her teasing.

"She actually became so attached to him, she always holds him back when he's about to go. Palagi rin silang magkasama…" tuwang-tuwang sabi namin ni Mommy.

"Aww, that's so sweet, Fraye. Don't worry, he just went out, he'll be here before the dinner." Tita Bella nodded lightly at me, as if assuring me.

Hindi na ako muling nakapagtanong pa kung saan nagpunta si Kuya Yoongi dahil muli na silang nagpalunod sa kung anong pinag-uusapan nila kanina. I just busied myself with my phone, surfing on IG like usual until the parents decided it was already time to prepare for the dinner. Nalaman ko ring may hinandang mga pampa-ingay sina Tito Thomas at Tita Bella, also, the dinner would be outside the mansion, at the garden where a vast gazebo stood.

Habang abala silang lahat ay nanatili lang ako sa living room. I was only called when it was already dark outside, the gazebo was already arranged properly, with a peach clothed long table in the middle, chairs were lined up at both sides as torches were lighted at the four posts of the gazebo to give us light. Wines, candlelights, and delicious delicacies with Filipino's famous cuisines were already served. May mga torotot sa gilid ng bawat mga tableware kaya hindi ko napigilang ma-excite.

The last time my family celebrated New Year with the Min Family, just like last year's Christmas, I didn't really enjoy it aside from I kind of enjoyed Torotots.

Pero kaagad din naming nawala ang excitement na nararamdaman ko nang nagsisimula na kaming kumaing lahat ay wala pa rin si Kuya Yoongi. I couldn't afford to ask one question about him anymore when everyone seemed to be enjoying the night. Nag-eenjoy sila kasi paniguradong business na naman ang pinag-uusapan nila.

I just sat silent at my seat, my fingers lamely holding my fork that lazily played with my food. Inaasahan kong bago ang dinner ay magkakaroon kami ng pagkakataong magkausap ni Kuya Yoongi dahil magiging abala ang mga magulang namin, pero hindi nangyari iyon kaya hinintay ko na lang na sumapit ang dinner para makita siya, pero patapos na ang lahat at wala pa rin siya.

Ano namang pinagkaka-abalahan niya sa labas at sobrang tagal niya? Halos isang buong araw na siyang nasa labas. Could it be about business? May pinagawa kaya si Tito Thomas sa kaniya?

When it was already too much for me to sit there and eat like I had the appetite, I slowly stood up and politely excused myself to go to the restroom. Maybe I just need a splash to once again understand that he was a Min, as an heir of a big industry, he had responsibilities. I had actually held him long the past few days, refrained him from doing his obligation to their company. Kaya siguro kailangan kong intindihin talaga siya.

Well, I guessed, I was wrong about that.

Natigilan ako sa paglalakad palayo sa gazebo pabalik sa Min Mansion nang makita kong huminto sa harap ng mansiyon ang isa sa mga Palisade ni Kuya Yoongi. My heart almost leaped out from my chest from how the way it pounded when the door of the driver's seat pushed open, revealing his very handsome figure in his black shirt underneath a red and black flannel that was all-button open. Suot niya ang bonnet na niregalo ko sa kaniya kaya kusang gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi ko.

Just how could he easily send me into my most chaotic and most happy state?

My feet were already too eager to stride towards him, to jump him a tight hug and whisper him how much I had missed him only if he didn't turn to go to the passenger's seat of his car. I confusedly watched as he opened the passenger's seat with a sweet smile, the same gummy smile I saw from his mother's face showing in his.

Gasping silently, feeling my heart pound hardly, though this time because of pain, my eyes watered but they still managed to clearly saw who was the girl who went out of his car. In her pair of red sweetheart top and black leather jeans that hugged sexily her long limbs, hair in a high ponytail, Ate Mira happily latched her arms around Kuya Yoongi's arm as she neared her face to him as if telling him something.

What hurt the most about it was when Kuya Yoongi smiled and playfully bopped her nose.

Wow, what a good sight to meet the new year, what a good sight to show me that though we were perfect, our love, just like what I saw from my cousins, was also flawed.

Our love was also flawed.