Chapter Twenty-three

The car ride on the way to the De Asis Land wasn’t silent and peaceful at all. It didn’t feel good to be in between two towering and growling personalities, it didn’t feel good to witness the both of them fight and fight and fight when Cali was a real sadist.

Every time her brother would say something she seriously didn’t like, and that pissed her off, I was afraid she would break free from her seatbelt and dodge her brother a smack on his head or tackle him from the back at the driver’s seat. Nagmamaneho si Cody de Villa at ang pinaka-ipinapanalangin ko ay huwag gawin iyon ni Cali dahil ayaw kong may mangyari sa amin habang sakay ng sasakyan.

Just let me out of the car, just let me go far away from them and all would be well. Hindi ko na talaga muling susuwayin si Totoro at susundin na lang ang kung anong sa tingin niyang tama. My Pagoda Blue would only want what was best for me anyway.

“Cali, t-tell your brother he doesn’t need to drive me into the residence, just drop me off the main gate and I’ll be… I'll be f-fine then.” I softly tugged at Cali’s sleeves to inform her when from the distance, I already saw the high and tall signage that said ‘De Asis Land’. Mayroon iyong munting babala sa ibaba na ‘you’re about to enter a private property’ at may guardhouse sa gilid para i-monitor ang mga sasakyang papasok sa loob.

Only recognized cars had the privilege to cross the gate. Makakapasok din naman ang sasakyan ni Cody de Villa kung makikita ako sa loob ng mga guards na nakabantay sa guardhouse pero ayaw ko nang magtagal na kasama pa ang dalawang ito.

Not to exaggerate but it felt like my life was at risk with both of them around me in one car.

Maayos namang magmaneho si Cody de Villa, papasa nga siyang smooth driver pero kasi hindi ko alam ang mangyayari oras na mainis na ng tuluyan si Cali at talunin na lang bigla ang Kuya niya. The worst that could happen was Cody de Villa losing his concentration in driving.

Nang lumingon sa akin si Cali ay busangot pa rin ang mukha dala pa rin ang inis sa huling pinagsagutan nila ng Kuya niya. She had been huffing at my side the whole ride, whispering insults for her brother and then he would hear it and it would again start a fight in between them.

Noong unang binanggit ni Cali sa akin na may Kuya siya ay hindi ko inaasahang ganito sila sa makitungo isa’t isa. Mukhang hindi sila makakatagal nang hindi nag-aaway, at hindi nag-iinisan.

I guessed every siblinghood had their own ugly side. Babae at lalaki pa naman sila kaya medyo naiintindihan ko. The older boy was smug and a big tease, while the younger girl was a sadist and a big loser. Yeah, dahil si Cali ang madalas na naiinis sa huli.

“Are you sure? We can drive you till your house. Gaano kalayo ba ang bahay niyo mula sa main gate?” Cali said, still throwing glares to her brother through the rearview mirror.

“A kilometer long, but don’t worry, Pagoda Blue’s just behind us. I’m sure Totoro will call someone to pick me up.” I tried so hard not to sound like I was too eager to get out of the car already. Ayaw ko rin namang ma-offend si Cali at isipin niyang hindi ako grateful gayong sinabay nila ako.

Trust me, I was thankful at first, I just couldn’t let this happen again. Nakakatakot silang kasama bukod sa hindi ko gustong madalas silang mag-away.

I didn’t know how old Cody de Villa was but since he was the older, I thought it would be nice if he would give way for his sister and not fight back anymore. Pero mukhang hindi ganoon ang kaso. Hindi ko rin siguro sila maiintindihan sa bagay na iyan dahil wala naman akong kapatid.

“Well, if you say so. I guess I’ll just see you on Monday?” Saka pa lang luminawag muli ang mukha niya nang gumuhit ang malapad na ngiti sa mga labi niya. “I’ll just text you on weekends! Gusto ko rin sanang lumabas kasama mo kaso alam kong hindi puwede…”

The lowering octave that ranged through her soft and usually loud voice made my stomach twirl in sadness. Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay kapag weekends, hindi ako papayagan ng mga Min guards. I hadn’t ever tried asking permission to Kuya Yoongi because I knew, he wouldn’t let me go out. It would be useless.

Smiling sadly at her, I softly held her hand on top of her lap and answered. “We’ll text. You can tell me your activities during weekends, and I’ll tell you mine. Or…” Sinadya kong bitinin ang kasunod dahil pinag-isipan ko pa kung magandang ideya ba pero naisip kong mas maganda iyon kaysa ang lumabas kaming dalawa. “You can visit me at home, you’re very welcome.”

And I could already imagine my Mommy gushing over a friend of mine going to visit me on weekends. Noon pa niya ako pinipilit na ipakilala sila ni Daddy sa mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ko alam kung aware ba silang wala akong friends noon kaya pinipilit nila iyon para magka-friends na ako o talagang wala silang alam.

Also, I would want my parents to meet Cali. For sure, they would like her.

“Now, at the very least, try to be a decent human being for once and politely send my friend off, Kuya.” Bago ako bumaba ng sasakyan nang huminto ito sa harap ng guardhouse ay narinig ko ang boses ni Cali. She wasn’t talking to me so I turned to look at her brother who only uninterestedly waved his hand to me, not even turning to give me a look.

“Thanks for dealing with that ugly ball of idiocy, walang nakakatagal diyan, so I’m surprised…” Cody de Villa surely wasn’t really the most passionate and loving brother, even until the end, he started a fight again with Cali.

“Ugly ball of idiocy? Then you’re an ugly ball of smugness! Isusumbong kita kay Daddy, hindi ka na ulit makakalitaw sa school! You won’t be able to see her ag—“

“California, shut up before I call Dad now and ask him to transfer you to another school. Try me…” Cody de Villa’s voice suddenly dripped with scary warning, his gaze lacerating through the rearview mirror to his sister beside me.

“You ugly piece of turd! I hate you!” Cali, once again defeated, leaned harshly on her seat in a loud irritated huff as she crossed her arms.

Naintindihan kong sobrang sama na ng loob niya kaya ngumiti na lang ako saka binalingan si Cody de Villa na mukhang hindi naman apektado sa galit ni Cali.

“Thanks for the r-ride…” I softly told him and for as much as I wanted to tell him not to go hard on his sister, I refrained myself because I didn’t want to meddle with their treatment to each other.

Si Totoro ang nagbukas ng pinto para sa akin.

I just stood in front of the main gate of the De Asis Land, waving my hand until their car disappeared from my sight and was exchanged with a car so familiar to me.

Wielding, leaping and beating wildly, I almost clutched my chest to keep my heart from doing activities it always did when thoughts of Kuya Yoongi would linger on my mind. He had a lot of cars, all of them were familiar to me, so seeing one of his cars approaching fast from the far distance to me made me want to hide and not show myself to him.

Ilang buwan kaming hindi nagkita matapos ang ginawa niya sa akin! What I was supposed to react?! I still hadn’t gotten over all that happened in between us, he had gone missing from my sight that made me question not only his rush doings but my mentality and my heart. Tapos ngayon nandito siya ng walang pasabi at binibigla ako ng ganito?!

I wasn’t prepared!

Mabilis kong nilingon ang kinaroroonan ng Pagoda Blue na dapat ay off duty na sa mga oras na ito. Seeing Totoro bringing his hand that held his phone down from his ears, I pouted hard as my feet almost brought me to run into the gate and hide from what was coming for me. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko oras na tuluyan na siyang mag-materialize sa harap ko…

I seriously didn’t know what to do.

I hardly bit my lower lip when I felt my throat hurt and my eyes sting because aside from the unprepared circumstance, the anticipation of finally seeing him after long months was getting into me, it was painfully unbearable.

Gusto ko nang isipin na may ginawa siya sa akin kaya ako nagkakaganito sa kaniya. It was becoming too hard to handle anymore, I was afraid my heart was too weak for what was it…

Bakit ba kasi siya nandito?!

It was almost hard to breathe when finally, his car stopped in front of me, the door of the passenger’s seat was right in front of me. Kusang pinakawalan ng mga ngipin ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko nang tuluyan nang kumawala ang mga luhang kanina lang ay nagpapalabo sa mga mata ko at ang mga hikbing nagpapasakit sa lalamunan ko.

I hated him for doing this to me. I felt too shallow and unreasonable for crying over something I didn’t even know!

Agad na nakalapit ang Pagoda Blue sa akin para pagbuksan ako ng pinto pero hindi ako pumasok. From inside the car, as the strong scent of cool strawberry mixed with menthol cigarette invaded my nose, Kuya Yoongi leaned onto the seat of the passenger’s seat just to peek on my stupid pathetic crying form.

Mas naiyak ako nang makita ko kung paanong nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya saka siya mabilis na bumaba ng sasakyan. In no time, he arrived at my side, stared at me for long but not really trying to hold me. I saw how he threw the Pagoda Blue an angry dark glare that made my bodyguards step back a bit.

“Why is she crying?” he asked confusedly but sternly, obvious that the question was thrown to the men who was assigned to watch after me.

Closing my eyes firmly that made way for another set of fresh tears, I hardly shook my head to answer in behalf of Pagoda Blue, my throat was too hurt to utter words and my cries were too demanding they weren’t letting me speak one word.

His very presence was what was making me cry! It hurt to see him now when all this time, with all the days that passed, it was him who my mind had been thinking about!

I lightly flinched and jumped when I suddenly felt his soft touch on my arms. He wasn’t the sweetest person I knew, he was actually the otherwise but with how the way he held me, as if he didn’t want to make me cry even more, his softness and gentleness just pained my heart more. He wasn't even the softest person I knew, he was the otherwise!

He was rough! He was harsh! He was hard…

I attempted to step a foot back but I was stopped when he gently pulled me closer to him. Ang mga kamay niyang hawak ang mga braso ko kanina ay umangat sa pisngi ko para matitigan niya ang mukha ko.

Opening my eyes, his handsome face appeared through my blurred vision and his strong scent just lingered in my nose because of his close proximity. Marahang lumandas ang mga hinlalaking daliri niya sa pisngi ko para punasan ang mga panibagong luha ko.

“Why are you crying?” he asked me this time, his voice was far from his natural deep and cold voice, it was far from the sternness it catered when he asked Pagoda Blue. It was soft, pampering and weighing.

Sniffing, I helped his thumbs wipe my tears away, still not feeling like speaking. Napansin niya iyon kaya tumango siya at nang lumingon sa likod ko ay bumalik sa blanko ang mga mata niya. He softly led me to the open door of the passenger’s seat as he carefully helped me get in. Siya na rin ang nagkabit ng seatbelt ko.

Nearing his face to me, he closed his eyes as I anticipated for what he would do next, only to get disappointed when the tip of his nose just softly touched mine. He lightly moved his head so his nose would smoothly caress my nose, it felt good but torturous.

“We’ll talk inside your manor.” Isang marahang pasada pang muli sa pisngi ko bago siya lumayo at isinara na ang pinto.

I knew something was wrong with me since I couldn’t remember anymore, that every time I would think about him, I would suddenly be dominated with mixed emotions, tingles in my spine, flutters in my heart and feast in my stomach. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit ako nakakaramdam ng mga ganoon pero sa ngayon, sa ngayon hahayaan ko munang kontrolin ako ng emosyon ko.

I was just too driven by my emotions to even act otherwise.

Tightly gripping at the seatbelt that hugged my body tightly, soft sniffles still coming out of my throat, I watched as he first talked to Pagoda Blue before he finally went into the driver’s seat. My heart leaping once again at the acknowledgement of his heart-hammering presence.

Yes, I was always bothered with his presence, but not the way I was seriously feeling right now.

I intently watched as he silently fastened his seatbelt around his body, my eyes lately catching how he was too handsome in his white long sleeves dress shirt, sleeves messily folded till his elbows and showing his hard and milky arms. Umayos ako ng upo saka ngumuso nang lumingon siya sa akin, bagsak ang itim niyang buhok kaya bahagyang natatabunan ng dulo ng mga ito ang itim na itim niyang mga kilay at may suot niyang salamin.

His pair of small kitten eyes lazily stared at me before it rolled down my body. Nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko saka malakas na suminghot para kunin ang atensiyon niya. Pouting even more when my eyes met his, I tried to blink away new formed tears as I bravely opened my mouth to speak.

“Y-Your presence is hurting m-me…” I honestly told him, unsure if the fear that shortly flicked at my heart was because I didn’t know if it would anger him or not.

Natatakot pa rin ba akong galitin siya? After what he did to me when he was mad? Sure, he knew how to set punishments for me.

“So you don’t want me here?” he softly asked, hands on the wheel. Hindi niya pa binubuhay ang makina. I didn’t know where Pagoda Blue was already but I couldn’t give a care about them when Kuya Yoongi’s all being was too selfish to get my attention half from him.

Nakakahiyang isipin na ganito ang iniisip ko… pinapatunayan ko lang sa kaniya ang mga paratang niya sa akin kung gaano karumi ang utak ko. He called me no innocent girl, I didn’t want to prove him right.

I should be mad at him, I should be mad at him for what he did to me nights ago, and for not showing up after that. He didn't only mess my mind and my life, he also made me feel emotions too mature and too deep for someone like me but the unknown feelings deep within my heart was what drove me, it controlled me and dominated me to the point that I could set aside the anger I had for him.

Slowly shaking my head, I answered, “It h-hurt me seeing you again after m-months… after what you d-did to me.” Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin nang makita ko ang unti-unting pagguhit ng ngisi sa mga labi niya.

Walang nakakatuwa sa sinabi ko kaya bakit siya ngumingiti riyan?! I was hurt! It didn’t feel good! It didn’t feel good that he only appeared in front of me now when he could have just showed himself to me the past months!

Nasaan siya noong mga nakaraang buwan?!

“Yah Julie, you should know how to tell if you’re missing someone. Did you miss me, hm?”

Raising my head upon hearing the smugness dripping through his voice, a loud gasp instantly escaped my throat when what met my eyes were his amused kitten eyes behind his specs, his teasingly hot breath on my lips and his nose dangerously close to mine. Hindi ko namalayan ang paglapit niya sa akin.

The belt of his seatbelt was stretched due to his distance from his seat, his other arm stretched back to the wheel while his other hand was at the back of my seat.

“K-Kuya!” I whined at him, feeling very tortured because I really wanted to cut the distance of our faces and give myself the luxury of tasting his lips as it looked very soft and fluffy in the nearest proximity.

I never knew how lips tasted but I imagined his to be tasted as strawberry since he always smelled like one, or menthol since that was the flavor of his cigarette.

Please, please tell me I’m not a pervert for thinking such things!

He softly chuckled, obvious that he was loving seeing me desperate. Bumaba ang tingin niya para lang makita ang mga kamay kong mahigpit nang nakakapit sa bandang dibdib ng damit niya. I tried pulling him closer to me but he stilled, not letting me pull him closer. Puwede namang ilapit ko na lang ang mukha ko sa kaniya pero hindi kakayanin ng kahihiyan ko iyon.

Mas maganda pa rin kung siya ang hahalik.

“What, Julie? Tell me what do you want?” His voice was dripping with humour and teasing. His gummy smile once again blessing me as he threw his head back, laughing, his Adam’s apple showing just to bring me more torture.

Pursing my lips tightly, I again tried pulling him closer to me, my eyes flickering down to his parted red and wet lips due to his licking when he neared his face to mine again, our nose touching completely but lips still too far from each other.

What I would seriously give just so he would give me those lips of his!

“What? I know you missed me, but I wouldn’t know what you want if you won’t tell m—“

“Kiss me! I want you to kiss me, Kuya!” Desperate as it sounded, embarrassing as it felt since I couldn't believe that really came out from my mouth, my hands tightened at his shirt when all I wanted to do was sink into his chest and hide there for the rest of my life. Yumuko ako kaya tumama ang mga labi niya sa noo ko kasabay nang paglandas ng kamay niyang nasa inuupuan ko patungo sa likod ng ulo ko.

He pushed my head near to his, pressing a deep and long kiss on my forehead. Somehow, with that, he showed me that in our situation, it wasn’t only me who was suffering and desperate. He was too.

He was just holding back… the ordeal was both torturing us.

“You’re such a bad girl, Julie Frayanne. Asking an old man to kiss you? Such a bad girl…” he softly said against my nose.

No one had ever said my full name, except when my teachers at school were calling me for the roll-call, but the way he said it… it felt like I had the most beautiful name.

“You’re not an old man… you’re just five years older than me,” I whispered, my breath lightly blowing the skin of his neck because I saw him gulp.

“Five years? Let’s not say it like that. Let’s just say you’re turning eighteen in two months, and bullshits may care but I won’t hold back anymore when that time comes.” Ang kamay niyang nasa likod ng ulo ko ay bumaba sa batok ko para magbigay ng marahang mga haplos.

Tuluyan ko nang isinandal sa dibdib niya ang mukha ko, hinayaan kong mag-stretch ang seatbelt na nasa katawan ko para lang mai-puwesto ko ang sarili ko sa mga braso niya.

“So… so y-you won’t be k-kissing me until then?” I asked him, brave because my face was hidden in his chest. The vibration of his laugh was sent to his chest, flattering my heart when I felt it against my cheek.

“You should help. Stop seducing me with your sexy expressions, and don’t go asking me again to kiss you. I’ve already told you where a kiss could bring us…”

“You’re such a pervert, Kuya. I’m not thinking a-about that…” As if I knew what my expressions brought to him.

Sexy? My tear-stained face was sexy to him? How cruel.

“You’re not, but I am. Hindi mo ako kayang pigilan oras na mawalan ako ng control, Julie. Your weak pushes on my chest if that happens would only be a pathetic pokes for me…”

“Pervert.” I repeated, pouting against his chest.

“And I won’t stop even until your lips would turn swollen because of my kisses, even until your cries would turn to moans. Your weak fragile body would be under mine as you squirm underneath, regretting ever pulling me into losing my control. I won’t stop even until you’re already screaming my name, crying for your shattered innocence. I won’t stop even until you cry, begging for more…” Humina ang boses niya sa huling mga salita nang mas isiniksik ko pa ang sarili ko sa dibdib niya, ang mga binti ko ay mariing nagsara dahil sa sensasyong binubuhay niya sa kaibuturan ko.

“You like it.” He chuckled, amusement ringing through his voice.

“You should w-write, you just described how people do it—“

“I described how I always imagine us doing it, Julie.”

Feeling my cheeks heat up with his bluntness, I didn’t know if I could still show myself to him. Hindi ko rin kayang i-deny na nagustuhan ko ang mga sinabi niya. If I was a bad girl as he said, then fine, I would live with it, for as long as I was a bad girl of his. He mentioned about my innocence, he just didn’t have any idea that it was long ago ruined… by him.

“Pervert.” Wala na yata talaga akong masabi kaya ganoon.

“Still can’t admit you missed me?” Sinubukan niyang ilayo ako sa kaniya pero umiling ako at mas nagsumiksik sa dibdib niya, ang mga daliri ko ay mas humigpit sa damit niya at nagpapasalamat akong heavy tinted ang sasakyan niya dahil nakakahiyang makita kami mula sa labas.

“I missed you, Kuya. Y-Your absence almost… a-almost made me crazy.”

Hindi ko napigilang matawa habang nagpapalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa sketch pad na nasa harap ko at kay Kuya Yoongi na prenteng naka-upo sa kaharap na couch, magkapatong ang mga hita, bagsak ang mga balikat, tila malalaglag na ang mga mata at nakanguso na. He looked too bored and sleepy already but he was trying to stay still just so I wouldn’t mess up what I was doing.

Kaya ko naman siyang i-drawing nang wala siya sa harap ko. I kind of had a sharp memory when it came to objects I was drawing, I guess it comes when you’re good in drawing.

“Kuya, you can move now. I can finish this without you.” I considerately told him. Mas natawa ako nang magpakawala siya ng malalim na buntong hininga saka siya dahan-dahang humiga sa couch. The couch here in my leisure room was kind of big and comfortable to lie on, it could actually comfort three person in a lying position.

Nang makarating kami kanina sa manor ay dumiretso kami rito sa leisure room ko dahil tinanong niya kung ano ang mga madalas kong gawin sa tuwing umuuwi ako galing school. I answered him drawing so he said, I could draw and he would watch me. Naisip kong bumawi sa ginawa ko noon sa kaniya, the time where I drew his face with whiskers and horn, kaya sinabi ko sa kaniyang ido-drawing ko siya.

At first I thought he would be mad about it but he gladly volunteered himself as my ‘kodigo’. Really, that was his term. Hindi na ako pumalag dahil noon ko pa naiisip na bagay sa kaniya ang mga ganoong trabaho dahil uupo lang naman siya. My parents were still at work, and if they would come home with Kuya Yoongi still here, I was sure they would invite him to dinner.

We also asked the maids to bring us foods here.

“Milk and cookies…” He even suggested foods. Alam na alam talaga niya kung anong gusto ko. We didn’t have strawberry cookies here. Sa Min Mansion lang naman mayroon noon. “And iced coffee for me.”

Nataranta pa ang kasambahay na naka-usap niya dahil hindi naman nito inaasahang nandito si Kuya Yoongi. The poor maid paled when she saw him, she stuttered and almost stumbled down. Nakakatakot naman kasi talaga ang presensiya ni Kuya Yoongi.

“Show me that when you’re done. Make sure you’re not adding whiskers and horn like the last time, Julie. I’ll punish you…” Hindi na niya nakita ang pagnguso ko dahil ipinikit na niya ang mga mata niya at ilang segundo lang ay marahan na ang pagtataas-baba ng dibdib niya, senyales na nakatulog na siya.

He just didn't know how tempting his punishment was. Kung hindi lang sa hindi magandang pakiramdam na iyon sa dulo, kung hahayaan lang niya akong maabot iyon, hindi naman talaga punishment ang kalalabasan noon.

Great, great, Fraye! Now you're thinking about it?!

Tinapos ko na lang ang dino-drawing ko pagkatapos ay nagtungo ako sa kuwarto ko na nasa kabilang bahagi pa ng bahay para kumuha ng comforter. He didn’t even move one bit from the position I left him from when I came back. Tightly hugging the soft and thick comforter against my chest, I slowly walked towards his peaceful sleeping form.

He looked so beautiful and angel-like when he was asleep. Anyone who would see him now wouldn’t even think how scary he was when mad. No one would even think how his cold eyes could send anyone to the edge, fearing for their lives. Ilang beses niya iyong pinaramdam sa akin, humantong pa sa puntong pinanalangin kong sana hindi na lang siya dumating sa buhay ko. His attitude was a big mystery for me, he was like my own motion of horror clips, he would always make me run for my life and escape from his very presence.

He still was. I wouldn’t ever be enlightened about why was he so mean to me before. I was young, my young heart was sensitive, he made me feel unwanted, I was unwanted for real. No one wanted me as their friends, I knew he didn’t have anything to do with that, but with how he made me feel, it somehow gave resolves to me that he didn’t like me, so no one would like me.

Just how could someone who was very angel-like do something like that? Humantong pa ako sa isiping baka may mali sa isipan niya. He had anger issues, he had difficulties managing his anger. It was me who was the trigger. I never saw him go inexplicably mad to anyone, it was just me. It wasn’t reasonable to me before, even until now.

I would want to question him all that, but then I thought, we had time for that. What I couldn’t handle anymore was the emotions dripping from within me for him. They needed immediate attention, they needed to be out.

So I would gave them outlet.

Slipping out of my house slippers, I carefully climbed onto the couch, gently slipping myself into his arms before fixing the comforter around us so it wrapped us comfortably. Bahagya siyang gumalaw ngunit bago pa man niya makita ang mukha ko ay sumobsob na ako sa dibdib niya at mariing pumikit.

“What are you doing?” he asked in a groggy voice, sleep still lingering through his tone.

“I want y-your chest…” I answered, snuggling even closer to his chest and folding my body so I would fit in his body. Hindi naman na siya sumagot, sa halip ay sumuot sa ilalim ng leeg ko ang isang braso niya kasabay nang paglandas ng isa pa sa ibabaw ng baywang ko.

Scooting me closer to him, he hummed softly against my head. “You’re such a clingy girl.”

“You’re still a pervert," I mumbled and closed my eyes, feeling his warm embrace and the calm beats in his chest.