Chapter Nineteen

"I don't wanna go anywhere."

I knew more than speaking when around him. What more blurting out my opposition to what he wanted to do?

Buong buhay ko, dahil sa takot na ibinaon niya sa puso ko para sa kaniya, pakiramdam ko ay kailangan ko munang salain ang bawat mga salitang lalabas sa bibig ko. I always needed to make sure if every word coming out of my mouth wouldn't anger him or would somehow please him.

I grew up fearing him, I almost felt like I was born to only please him.

Was it tiring? Before, I would say, it was kind of bearable because I could always predict him. I knew that I would just blurt out something bad to him, and then he would immediately explode and hurt me, that physically. There was prevention because I knew more than making him mad.

Was it tiring? Now, I would say, I was tired of trying to please him when I couldn't even understand him anymore! I couldn't even understand why in the first place, he really loved to dominate my life! Ni hindi ko naman siya totoong Kuya! We were not blood-related, he was just a family friend!

So why?

Most importantly, the one I had been so mad and very frustrated about, I was still so confused. My insides were still so messed up that his presence around me now, his very disturbing presence right in front of me now wasn't helping!

Bakit hindi na lang siya makipag-date nang makipag-date doon sa girlfriend niya at hayaan na lang na matahimik ang buhay ko?

I hated him so much, I had been hating him ever since he stepped foot into my life, and I just hated him more for making me feel such emotions I still couldn't name! I hate him so much!

Refusing to turn to the driver's seat to look at him, I stubbornly stilled my eyes on the window, watching how the car quickly moved as establishments rapidly passed my sight. This, me sitting at the passenger's seat of his car had just become a reoccurrence that I got used to… but I wouldn't get over with.

Naramdaman ko ang pagbagal ng takbo ng sasakyan kaya alam kong narinig niya ang sinabi ko. My hand that clutched my bag on top of my lap went gripping tightly, forcing myself not to take my eyes off the road.

The car had already turned to the opposite direction from the De Asis land. At kung may balak siyang dalhin ako sa kung saan ay hindi ko iyon ikatutuwa. I wanted to go home already. I wanted to be out of his car for real and be far away from him. I wanted no more of him because if I stayed longer with him, I was afraid my emotions would burst and I knew, I couldn't handle it.

Hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano ito e. I still needed time to decipher what it was, and it would only be possible away from him.

"Come again?" His deep low voice from the driver's seat brought the hairs on my nape to chill, goosebumps spreading all over my body.

Narinig niya ang sinabi ko, gusto niya lang na ipa-ulit sa akin.

Kuya Yoongi was like my own personal motion picture of horror and thriller. He could instantly bring fear and adrenaline to me, something no one had ever done before. Sinong matinong tao ang gugustuhing makasama ang taong kayang magdulot ng kaguluhan at takot sa kanila? I might not be perfect, but at least, I was still sane enough not to let him still affect me the way he had been affecting me.

Min? Min his face! Min people were nice and kind, my Kuya Yexel was very soft to me, Tita Bella and Tito Thomas were very kind and nice to me while him? Baka naman ampon lang siya?

"I'm not going anywhere with… with you." In clenched teeth, I made sure that every word spoken was loud and clear to him.

The car moved even slower, to the point that cars from behind us started overtaking. Nanatili akong nakatingin sa bintana.

He was too hard, too difficult to deal with and I was like too easy for him, too submissive because I feared him. I feared him because of his inexplicable attitude. Ano? Parurusahan niya ako? Papaluin ulit? Hindi ko siya Daddy!

Even my Daddy couldn't afford to have his palm on every part of my body! My Daddy had never hurt me physically!

"Did you just bark at me?"

Whining internally with how he described my attitude, I harshly turned my head to look at him. Binato ko siya ng masamang titig na kaagad din namang naglaho nang masulyapan ko ang tila antok na antok niyang mga matang mabagal na kumukurap sa akin. His mouth lamely opening and closing as if having a thorough taste of what was inside, his head lazily tilted to my direction.

Great, Fraye! Galit ka! Don't let his handsome face loosen you up!

Forcing my eyebrows to meet, I let my teeth grit with each other. "Take me h-home…" I said I didn't cuss but I felt like cussing at myself for letting my voice waver just because he was staring at me that way.

Alam ko ang daang tinatahak namin. He sometimes brought me to The Min's resto-bar every after school, because aside from he was currently handling Cypher Dos, he also needed to visit The Min's resto-bar to monitor. It wasn't like any of their restaurants and cafes, the resto-bar was different.

Sometimes, if his friends were there, he would let me be with them while he did his work and then when he was done, he would then take me home. At sa bawat ala-alang mayroon ako ng mga pagkakataong dinala niya ako roon, halos lahat iyon ay hindi magaganda. Though it had been months already since I last felt the sting of his hard palm on my skin, I still could vividly remember how painful and embarrassing it was.

Just imagine my body placed across his lap, crying so hard every time his palm would make a harsh and hard contact with my bottom. Couldn't imagine it? Wait until he unravel his mask and show his true self again.

"I will take you home after—"

"Now! I don't wanna be with you any longer!"

Gasping in surprise, even I couldn't believe I seriously screamed at him, cut him off the worst. The car then suddenly pulled in a sudden and harsh halt that only if the belt wasn't hugging my body tightly, I might have been thrown to the dashboard. Mabilis ko siyang nilingon para lang makitang nakayuko siya sa manibela, ang mga daliri ay halos mamuti na sa higpit ng hawak niya roon na nagpapalitaw ng mga ugat niya sa braso.

Great, Fraye. You angered him again.

I stared at him as my chest started rising and falling in a harsh and quick manner, I bet my branded shoes, my lower lip would be bruised because of how the way my upper teeth pushed tightly on it. Kapag sinaktan niya ulit ako, katulad ng ginagawa niya noon, sisiguraduhin kong hindi na siya makakalapit sa akin kahit na kailan.

I needed to fight for myself! Dahil kung hindi ngayon, kailan? He had been dominating my life! It was my life, mine so I should only be the one dominating myself!

Halos mahigit ko ang hininga ko nang unti-unti siyang mag-angat ng tingin, gilid ng mukha niya lang ang nakikita ko pero klarong-klaro sa paningin ko ang sama ng tingin niya sa kalsadang nasa harap. And though I somehow taught myself to fight back, I still couldn't deny that I still feared him, my heart still felt like being squeezed in fear and my eyes still stung waters.

Hindi naman gaanon kadali lang mawawala ang takot ko sa kaniya, lalo na kapag ganyan ang hitsura niya.

Bigla parang gusto kong bawiin ang sinabi ko at mag-sorry dahil sa mga sinabi ko sa kaniya, sa pagsigaw ko. Suddenly, I wanted to please him just so he wouldn't get angry anymore. Suddenly, the urge to take my seatbelt off and jump off the car kicked into me, only if he didn't slowly turn his head to me.

My lips quivered. "K-Kuya…" Hindi ko kinaya.

He was just too intense for me.

Iyong tapang na binuo ko sa loob ko kanina ay bigla na lang naglahong parang bura, kung gaano iyon kadaling naglaho, ganoon kadali ring sinakop ng takot ang puso ko. It was like I had my bravery confined in a bubble, only to have it pop by the sharpness of his stares, it burst.

It was nowhere near my grasp anymore. Fear taking over the space my bravery had left from.

His jaw hardly moved, showing bones and sharpness before his eyes maliciously ran down my body. This… this type of Kuya Yoongi was my nightmare. With how the way his pair of kitten eyes behind his specs roamed darkly all over my body as if his eyes would go through the thick layering of my uniform, the way his red lips pursed in a thin line as if not pleased with what he was seeing… this wasn't what I wanted.

I just wanted to show him that he could no longer dominate me, I didn't intend to pull his inner demon out of him.

Sinking myself further into my seat, I quickly shook my head when I saw him raise his hand. Napagtanto ko kung gaano kamali ang ginawa ko kanina. "N-No…" I uttered so broken and scared, seeing as his hands didn't stop.

Mabilis niyang naabot ang collar ng long sleeves uniform ko saka walang kahirap-hirap akong hinila palapit sa kaniya. Napahawak ako sa matigas niyang braso, masyadong mahigpit sa katawan ko ang pagkakabinat ng seatbelt at hindi na magkamayaw ang puso ko lalo na nang mas humalimuyak sa ilong ko ang pinaghalong bango ng strawberry at sigarilyo.

It was such a very odd mixture but with him, in him, it smelled so good. Na kahit na nilulukob na ng takot ang dibdib ko ay nagawa ko pa ring pansinin ang bango niya. Ni hindi ko na alintanang nanigarilyo siya bago niya ko sunduin.

"K-Kuya…" Once again, my attempt to talk was cut off when the distance between our faces was only worth a thin thread, our nose almost touching as my eyes had the privilege to see deeper his eyes could be. Ang tigas ng braso niya sa mga daliri ko ang nagsasabing kahit na halos walang emosyon ang mukha niya ay galit siya.

He was angry… no, he was more than mad.

Really, just how could God let someone so perfect and very ethereal ever walk on earth?

No wonder why I was almost cursed and cussed at by every girls in the school when they saw me hop into his car. Jealousy and insecurity would be an understatement to describe how they all threw me looks. Dahil ngayong nakatitig ako sa mga mata niya, napagtanto ko rin kung gaano kasuwerte si Ate Mira kung totoo ngang girlfriend niya ito.

Despite the fear my heart had been going through, such strong emotions didn't stop it from fluttering and beating wildly than it ever did. Not to mention that this… this was the very closest my face had been to his.

"Just since when did…" He stopped shortly, slowly letting his nose lightly caress the tip of mine in a very light and soft manner, it almost threw his hard and firm voice off the line. The strong smell of cigarette and mint blew air against my gaped lips. Nanghina ang mga kamay kong nakahawak sa braso niya, pakiramdam ko ay babagsak ang mga talukap ko at gusto ko na lang na ipikit ang mga mata ko. "When did you have this brave attitude?"

It almost made me eagerly cut the distance between our faces just so I could fill the thirst he suddenly brought my system!

Fraye, hold up! You can't think of that!

Mahigpit kong ipinagsara ang mga hita ko saka muling hinawakan ang kamay niya at sinubukang alisin pero sobrang higpit ng hawak niya sa akin. My back was starting to hurt with the way he had my body pulled from my seat, the tight stretch of the seatbelt choking me already.

I could also get how the part of my uniform would be scrunched the moment his fingers would leave it. Ano na lang ang iisipin ni Mommy kapag nakita niyang gusot ang uniform ko?

"Hm, I've always known how bad of a girl you are, Julie. You have your inner demon that I have yet to unravel from you, and only bullshit would matter, I won't hold back anymore the second time you'll show me this attitude…" His cool cigarette smelled breath hit my skin, once again having the hairs on my nape stand. Mas inilapit niya pa ang mukha niya sa akin, hinihila ako palapit sa kaniya.

I was so shameless and stupid for assuming that he would do something with that but he only tilted his head more, his lips going to the way far from where I wanted them to be, the skin on my cheek on where his lips trailed burned sensitively.

"I'll teach that mouth of yours how to properly bark, you'll see."

That was clearly a warning, but for some unknown reason, it felt like an invitation for me, a clear but indirect challenge.

Malakas niya akong itinulak kaya halos mapa-iyak ako nang malakas na tumama sa upuan ang likod ko, mabilis kong hinawakan ang collar ng uniform ko habang nakayuko. It frustrated me even more when he just casually started the car, as if he didn't just hurt me again, my eyes finally managing to produce lush tears.

Nakaka-frustrate! Sobrang nakaka-frustrate na! I didn't even know what to do anymore! I wanted it?! I did! Gusto ko kung paanong sobrang lapit namin kanina! Gusto ko kung paanong marahang lumandas sa pisngi ko ang mga labi niya patungo sa tainga ko. Gusto ko kung paanong mahigpit niyang hawak ang uniform ko kanina! Gusto ko ang lahat ng iyon!

Fraye, we'll walk to a mental institution later.

"You'll go with me. I'll take you to wherever I want, and you'll just stay silent, Julie. You don't want to strip in front of me, right?"

Mabilis akong umiling, salo-salo na ng mga palad ko ang mukha ko. Magabal ang takbo ng sasakyan, bagay na hindi ko alam kung ipagpapasalamat ko ba o hindi. I just wanted us to arrive at The Min's resto-bar, but I just also wanted to stay here with him.

What was wrong me with me?

"Good."

Not good.

Not good because when we arrived at The Min's resto-bar, the first person my eyes saw was the beautiful face of Ate Mira who instantly smiled at me the moment I hopped out of the car, my eyes hurting for all the crying. Ni halos hindi ako makatingin sa kaniya dahil pakiramdam ko, namamaga ang mga mata ko, ni hindi ako makangiti pabalik dahil hindi ako natutuwa.

Nasa labas siya ng The Min's na tila naghihintay sa pagdating namin. She looked so beautiful, though with her sharp and strong features, her smile still warmed her whole face.

Mukha lang talaga siyang masungit, pero nag-uumapaw ang bait sa buong pagkatao niya.

"Yoo! Good thing you brought Fraye with you!" Even her voice seemed to conspire with her smile, it sounded so soft and very lulling as ever. Mabilis siyang nakalapit sa akin para bigyan ako ng matunog na halik sa pisngi, sa mismong pisngi kung nasaan dumikit ang mga labi ni Kuya Yoongi kaya mabilis akong lumayo sa kaniya.

It took me so much courage not to burst at her, to scream at her because that would be so unreasonable. Ni hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis sa kaniya!

Hindi naman niya iyon pinansin, hindi niya rin napansing kagagaling ko lang sa iyak sa halip ay hinawakan niya ang mga kamay ko, ang mga nagniningning na mga mata ay tumagos sa likod ko. "Thanks for bringing her here, Yoo! Hindi ko naman sinabing ngayong araw mismo…" Nahihiyang yumuko siya, mahinhing isinabit sa likod ng tainga niya ang ilang hibla ng buhok niyang nagkalat sa gilid ng mukha niya.

Just why did she have to be so beautiful and very kind? Nakaka-guilty…

"Let's just get inside, malamig dito sa labas and yet, you dared to wear a hanging shirt? I thought you're smart, Miranda?"

I felt very small in between their towering bodies. Pakiramdam ko, napakabata ko pa para maintindihan ang mga pinag-uusapan nila pero hindi nakalagpas sa akin ang isang pitik na iyon sa dibdib ko nang makita ko ang inis sa mukha ni Kuya Yoongi dahil sa suot ni Ate Mira.

She was sexily clad in a black hanging shirt, showing daringly the flatness of her white stomach and a black tight jeans that hugged temptingly her hips down to her long limbs. Hindi siya naka-heels dahil pares ng puting rubber shoes ang suot niya pero sobrang tangkad pa rin niya.

What was this? Bakit hindi ko nagugustuhan kung paanong nagtititigan sila sa harap ko? Why was I so suddenly pissed off with the idea of Ate Mira being here? She was nice!

Grinning widely, nonchalant of my internal turmoil, Ate Mira nudged at me by lightly shaking my hand she held before giving Kuya Yoongi a childish tongue-out. "Come, Fraye! Nasa loob na ang iba! You're the youngest of the group so I should take care of you, hm…"

"She's seventeen, Mira. Don't baby her—"

"Still the youngest, Yoo! Saka, hindi mo man lang siya pinagbihis…" Nakangusong pinagmasdan ni Ate Mira ang kabuuan ko saka siya seryosong tumitig kay Kuya Yoongi. She might haven't caught it, but my eyes were quick when it caught a smirk form on his lip before he shook his head, lamely tilting his head to signal the entrance.

"Get in…"

Dinala niya ako rito hindi dahil gusto niya, o dahil nakasanayan namin iyon noon. Dinala niya ako rito para kay Ate Mira. Parang gusto ko na namang maiyak. Bakit ba ganito ang nararamdaman ko? Bakit ba ginagawa niya sa akin ito? Parang gusto ko na lang na umuwi na at magpayakap ulit sa mga magulang ko habang umiiyak.

Ate Mira was sweet, but her sweetness was just mocking me even more. Parang ipinagduduldulan sa akin na sweet siya, maganda siya at mabait siya kaya siya nagustuhan ni Kuya Yoongi. Did I need a confirmation from them that they were really dating? Halata naman.

Habang naglalakad kami papasok ng The Min's ay ilang beses kong pinigilan ang sarili kong huwag hilahin mula kay Ate Mira ang kamay ko dahil lang naiinis ako.

No, the lady's very nice, Fraye…

Compare to Cypher Dos, The Min's resto-bar was a hundred times more silent and peaceful. Walang maingay at tila wala sa sariling mga taong sumasayaw sa dance floor, people were either at the bar counter or at their choice of couches, all drinking and talking silently. There was no blasting music, only the beautiful and serenading voice of the vocalist of the Boys with Fun in front, singing one of their mellow songs to accompany every people present here this night.

No blinding neon lights dancing to different directions, only a lightly dim lights enough to make the place even more solemn and peaceful. Though with almost same interior, it was no doubt for me that even if Kuya Yoongi would leave me here alone, I would be able to find my way out.

People from nearest tables instantly threw attentions to us the moment we made our way to somewhere. May ilang pang tumayo para lapitan kami, masyadong masaya si Ate Mira para pansinin ang ilan kaya walang nakalapit sa amin, ang iba ay kay Kuya Yoongi na nakasunod sa amin dumiretso.

Hawak pa rin ni Ate Mira ang kamay ko, excited na dinala niya ako sa direksiyon kung saan nakita ko kaagad ang mga pamilyar na mukha. It was even too surprising and shocking to see both Kuya Jin and Ate Hannan in one place when I couldn't remember the last time I saw them together. Wala pa rin si Kuya Hoseok, wala rin si Kuya Taehyung pero naroon si Kuya Namjoon at Kuya Jimin.

And with the way Ate Hannan's face scrunched in anger and frustration, I knew she wasn't pleased. Hindi rin naman maganda ang naabutan naming timpla ng mukha ni Kuya Jin pero nakikita kong sinusubukan niyang makisama.

Beers with glasses and foods were scattered on their table, there were also phones and ashtrays with lighted cigarettes. Ang isa sa mga ashtray ay nasa harap ni Kuya Namjoon kaya nahulaan ko nang sa kaniya ang isa sa mga sigarilyong iyon.

I didn't know who smoked in them aside from Kuya Yoongi.

"Finally!" The moment Ate Hannan noticed our arrival, she quickly stood up, making Kuya Jimin's hand lifelessly fall to the couch from her shoulder. She looked too angry to say the least. The appearance of her collar bones from her exposed neck in her black cami top just showed us all how mad she was. "If you'll excuse me! I'd like to take another table, with Mira and Fraye."

Ang sabay-sabay na pagbubuntong-hininga ng mga lalaking nakatingala sa kaniya ang nagsabing wala sa kanila ang kayang pumalag sa sinabi niyang iyon. She attempted to step towards us, but stopped when she was suddenly pulled back to sit. Bumagsak siya sa mga hita ni Kuya Jimin, agad na nakulong sa mga braso ng boyfriend niya.

"You promised me you'd try, east…" Kuya Jimin's soft pampering voice.

"Let me go, Jimin! Hindi ko kayang magtagal dito! Not when he's here!" Sinubukan niyang kumawala pero hindi niya magawa.

I would often see them fighting, sometimes, they were even going physical, Ate Hannan would always hurt him physically not really meaning it, but it was my first time seeing Ate Hannan filled with frustration and resistance. Hindi ko pa rin alam ang dahilan kung bakit hindi sila magkaayos pero sigurado akong si Kuya Jin ang tinutukoy niya.

Mas nakompirma ko lang iyon nang tumayo si Kuya Jin. He looked too defeated and resigned. Malungkot niyang tinitigan si Ate Hannan na nagpupumilit pa ring kumawala sa boyfriend niya. Ate Mira beside me started tensing, her hand gripping tightly my hand, proof that she was also affected.

They were. All of them looked tensed.

"Let her stay here, ako na lang ang bubukod…" In a soft understanding yet defeated voice, Kuya Jin spoke. Akma siyang tatalikod na pero natigilan din kaagad nang mula sa likod ko, tumagos ang malalim at pirming boses ni Kuya Yoongi, pumupuno sa kinaroroonan namin.

The serene voice of the vocalist being overpowered by his hard and harsh voice. Suddenly the solemn and peaceful ambiance that the place catered was exchanged with heaviness, shelling everyone in the table.

"Kung may bubukod dito, it wouldn't be you, Kuya. Jimin, let her go. Napakatigas ng ulo niya, let her go and be with Mira. Just to be frankly with all of you, I'm tired of dealing with Hannan's bullshit. Kung hindi niya kayang makasama si Kuya Jin sa iisang lugar, mag-adjust siya. No one's going take into her bullshit anymore. Alis na…"

Alam kong hindi para sa akin ang huling dalawang salitang binigkas ni Kuya Yoongi pero pakiramdam ko, para sa akin iyon. His harsh words didn't only shut the world up in our table, it also clearly broke Ate Hannan.

Dapat ba talagang nandito ako at nasasaksihan ang gulo nila?

Natigilan si Ate Hannan, pero hindi siya gumalaw para magbigay ng atensiyon. Nanatili siyang nakayuko kay Kuya Jimin, mahigpit na hawak ang parte ng dibdib ng dress shirt na suot ng boyfriend niya. I thought she would stay like that for long but when her shoulders harshly shook, people in our table all groaned loudly, they were clearly affected.

Malakas siyang umiyak sa balikat ng boyfriend niya at nang nilingon ko si Kuya Yoongi, tamad lang siyang tumitig pabalik sa akin, na para bang hindi man lang siya nagsisisi sa mga masasakit na salitang binitawan niya. Ate Mira instantly let go of my hand as she strode towards the couch and sat beside Kuya Jimin.

"Ako na, ako na, Miranda…" mahinang sabi ni Kuya Jimin nang akmang dadaluhan ni Ate Mira si Ate Hannan. It didn't seem like a good idea because the crying girl just quickly swatted away the hand that tried to hold her. Lumungkot ang mukha ni Ate Mira saka tiningala si Kuya Yoongi.

My heart tightened when I saw how they held each other's eyes for a worth amount of time. Imbis na panoorin pa sila pareho ay ibinalik ko na lang kay Ate Hannan at Kuya Jimin ang tingin ko.

They looked so ruined, with the crying girl on his lap looked so vulnerable and broken. Hindi ko alam ang pinagdadaanan ni Ate Hannan pero naiiyak ako para sa kaniya. She was crying so hard. What could be the reason for it?

I knew her as the brave and strong girl, someone who didn't often show emotions so it stunned me seeing her cry now. It was too far from her personality…

"What? Y'all prefer us being broken than have her smack on her head so she'll realize how she has been destroying this friendship?" Kuya Yoongi sarcastically asked to all.

"Kuya, please stop…" Kuya Jimin hardly pleaded, his jaw clenching showing how he wasn't pleased anymore. It reminded me of how he sided with Ate Hannan at the Min's party many nights ago.

I knew nothing about love, but I could see from him how he could do anything for his girlfriend. I could even bluntly say that he… he loved her more than she loved him. It was an honest opinion base from what they were both showing.

It was like he could submit to her, and only to her.

"Iyan ang hirap sa'yo, Jimin e. Masyado mong mahal kaya nakakalimutan mo nang parte rin si Kuya Jin ng pagkakaibigang ito. Include Hoseok. Why isolate them from us just because of her? Everyone should move on!" Kuya Yoongi wasn't pleased anymore.

"Kuya, she lost someone she loved so much, she's hurt…" Kuya Jimin's voice softened, hugging Ate Hannan even tighter.

"Bullshit, who's not hurt?! And that doesn't mean we'll also lose both Hoseok and Kuya Jin! Iharap mo siya sa akin, Jimin. Let me wound to her face, or at least knock her up from thinking that it's only her who's hurt. Imagine what Hoseok has been going through? With their son?! Iharap mo siya sa akin, Jimin!"

Halos lahat kami ay napatalon sa gulat sa biglang pagtataas ng boses ni Kuya Yoongi. Kahit si Kuya Jin na siyang pinakamatanda ay gulat na tumingala kay Kuya Yoongi. It was a luck that he was behind me so I wouldn't have to see his angry face for the second time this day, though it was only a matter of second before I fell to the ground with my weakening knees.

It felt like moving from my ground would send me to my downfall, it was scary.

Kuya Jimin sighed deeply, he looked too lost, as if someone who didn't know what to do, while Ate Hannan remained crying on his shoulder.

Maybe, he was torn… between his girlfriend and his friends.

For a while, watching them get ruined even more, I felt like I was watching a movie where happy ending was nowhere near the end. It seemed like being here, watching them all hurting felt so rude in my part. It was rude because it felt like I was eavesdropping, it was rude because it felt like I was sneaking, it felt rude because it felt like I shouldn't be here, and that I wasn't welcomed.

I wasn't welcomed because I didn't know what it was all about.