Special Chapter

Hindi pala iyon ganoon kadali. Not because you aim to do it, not because you are trying to move on and get past through it, you can be able to. Minsan hindi ganoon kadali, lalo na kung malaki ang pinsalang iniwan sa'yo noon. It will be hard to move on because though the wound have already healed, there's a scar to remind you that once in your life, you've been hurt like hell.

The scar won't go away, it would be a trademark of all the pain.

It wasn't easy for me because the scar was right in my heart. I was healed, the time and the people around me healed me, the path wasn't easy too but I got past through it because I wasn't alone. Dapat kontento na ako, dapat masaya na ako kasi iyong mga taong mahal ko, nasa tabi ko lang. Pero hindi pala ganoon iyon. My scarred heart was still silently hoping, my scarred heart was untamed when it came to things that could trigger what pained me before.

Ang nakakatakot pa, hindi ko kayang pigilan ang sarili kong nararamdaman kapag naghahangad ito ng hindi puwede.

"No Julie, you know it's not easy!"

It didn't surprise me anymore every time my husband was getting angry, I had become used to it a long time ago. Minsan pa nga ay nagiging dahilan iyon ng pag-aaway namin, hindi naman kami nagkakasakitan pero pareho kaming itinutulak ng mga sarili namin sa sukdulan sa tuwing galit ang isa. Often times, I would cope up with him if he wasn't going over the board, depriving me things I wanted.

Kaya kong palagpasin iyong iba kapag ako ang may kasalanan, pero hindi ngayon. What I was asking for him wasn't that big, it was just a small thing and I was sure, we would both benefit from it, maybe even our son.

With my furrowed brows, I threw him a glare. "You know that's not true. You can use your influence, Yoongi," I firmly said, refusing to see his reason because I couldn't see it! Paanong hindi madali? He had the money! It also wasn't like we were bad people!

"Look, why don't you calm down first so we can think through this—"

"I was calm before you rejected my proposition." My voice wasn't coming down from being low as I was trying so hard not to raise my voice because our son's room was just across us. Ang pinakahuling gusto kong mangyari ay ang magising siya at masaksihan ang pagtataasan namin ng boses ng Papa niya.

"Because we can't just go through it like what you want. We need to think it through…" Humina ang boses niya habang unti-unting lumalamlam ang mga malapusang mga matang nakatitig sa akin. He looked so tired yet he was trying so hard to calmly handle me.

His black coat was already peeled off him, clutched in one of his hands as his black hair was already pointing at different directions. I could only imagine all the papers in his office he had to sign, I could only imagine him being grumpy over his employees and my heart was already coming down from raging. Ni hindi pa nga siya tuluyang nakakapasok sa kuwarto namin.

Bumuntong-hininga ako saka nag-iwas ng tingin. I wanted to walk to him so I could give him comforting hugs and kisses like I always did when he came home from work, but what I gave him was a proposition I knew wasn't easy. In-expect ko naman na talaga na hindi siya agad papayag pero sobra kasi akong nadala nang nararamdaman ko kaya hindi ko na natiis.

We could actually save a child's young life if we went through it.

"You understand now, did you calm down?" he asked, slowly walking towards me.

Slowly nodding my head, I pursed my lips as I let him being me to his chest. The desire in my heart was overflowing and it just couldn't accept rejection, not when I had been thinking about that little girl's face. The desire to cradle her in my arms, it was the desire I long lost many years ago. It was the desire I never had a chance to give in because it was lost before I could even hold it, let alone see it.

"Pero gusto ko talagang i-uwi siya rito, Yoongi…" parang batang sabi ko.

"We will, after we talk properly about it. We also should ask for our son's opinion about this, okay?"

And we did.

Our family wasn't perfect, but I was proud to say that we were one happy family, contented and lively. Everyone had a say to anything that involved everyone. Palagi naming hinihingi ang opinyon ng bawat isa sa tuwing may mga desisyon kami para sa pamilya. Even our six years old son, his opinion was always a big factor of the decision.

So one night, we all settled in the entertainment room, all cuddled up in a big fluffy comforter while our son's favourite movie was airing on the big screen TV on the wall. Nasa pagitan namin ang anak namin habang yakap niya ang malaking transparent bowl kung nasaan ang cheese flavoured popcorn na niluto ng Papa niya para lang sa bonding naming ito. At the foot of the cushion we were laying on were all the other foods perfect for such a low-key occasion.

Nakapag-usap na kaming muli ni Yoongi tungkol sa gusto kong mangyari. We actually took a whole month just trying to give each other time and space while thinking through it, while I never missed a chance visiting the place to see the little girl. And every time I would see her, the desire of having her was just getting too much, every time I would see her turned her head to look at me, I would always get this feeling of pulling her into my arms and let her know that I was ready to give her the world she was deprived of.

From the way her pair of small eyes blinked at me as if thinking about why I was staring at her, from the way her small pretty face frowned at me every time I would sweetly smile at her, from the way she was playing far from the kids in that place, as if she made it clear that she was different from other kids, I knew I needed to get her.

Naisip kong baka kaya siya nasa lugar na iyon ay para sa akin. She was in a world where love was rare so God made me walk into a path where she was so I could meet her, because maybe, she was meant to be mine.

Maybe I lost what I lost before because what was mine was yet to come.

Patakbo akong nagtungo sa batang babaeng malakas na nagpakawala ng iyak matapos agawin ng batang kasama niya ang barbie doll na hawak niya. The first kid was taller and obviously older than the other kid but I still couldn't tolerate such a bad attitude. They were in an orphanage, they all didn't have parents so they should learn how to love one another.

Nang makalapit ako ay mabilis akong lumuhod para aluhin ang batang umiiyak. She was a mess, strands of her short hair were sticking into her wet face as snots were dripping from her nose. I quickly rummaged through my bag to take out tissues.

"Kids, you shouldn't be fighting," I calmly said, not wanting them to see that I was taking sides though it was obvious that the other kids was in the bad. Inayos ko ang makalat na buhok ng batang umiiyak at pinunasan ang mukha niya bago ko hinarap ang batang babaeng nasa harap.

The other girl was just tall as my hips, she looked cleaner and smaller that the kid in my arms, her long hair was neatly ponytailed but her pair of old shirt and skirts was what told me that just like the other kids, she was no different. The more she shouldn't be doing bad things to other kids.

"Siya p-po… inagaw niya po iyong laruan ko…" pagsusumbong ng batang nasa tabi ko sa pagitan ng mga hikbi, ang maliit na braso ay umangat para ituro ang batang nasa harap.

I once again spare the kid in front a stare, my eyes instantly going to the barbie doll she was clutching dearly to her chest as if it was something she owned pricelessly. The toy wasn't even in its best condition. Wala nang isang kamay ang laruan, wala rin iyong damit at halos nakakalbo na ang manipis na blonde na buhok.

My heart pounded painfully at the realization of what was really happening. It wasn't about them fighting over just a toy… it was them both wanting such a toy. Hindi dahil gusto nilang makalamang sa isa't isa, kung hindi dahil gusto nilang magkaroon ng laruan kahit na sira-sira na iyon.

It pained me thinking how could the world let such precious kids get deprived of the things they wanted. Mga bata sila, bukod sa nature na nila ang kagustuhang maglaro, siyempre gusto rin nila ng laruan. It was just so unlucky of them to be living a life where they didn't have parents to provide their wants. The orphanage could only give them shelter and food, they actually should be thankful for that, but kids are kids, their young mind can't be stopped from wanting more, they can't just be told not to want things because it was their rights, though they were not in the place to do so.

Sighing deeply, I let my palms caress the kid's back to make her stop crying. "Don't cry, magdadala ako ng toys rito para sa inyo pagbalik ko." I kindly told the kid.

Namamanghang nilingon niya ako, ang mga basang pisngi ay nabibinat dahil sa malapad na ngiting nakapaskil sa mga labi niya, ang mga matang pinagmumulan ng mga luha niya kanina ay kumikislap na sa saya. It now blessed my heart seeing how easily she cheered up at the mention of toys. Just when I was about to turn to the other kid, she instantly turned around to leave.

It was rude but I let her. She was a kid, though I hoped, life wouldn't be so harsh on her, most importantly with such an attitude.

"Okay ka na? Palagi ba kayong nag-aaway rito? Alam mo bang bad iyon?" Tumayo ako saka siya marahang ginabayan patungo sa pinakamalapit na bench na nakita ko. Naisip kong puwede ko pa siyang kausapin dahil mukhang matatagalan pa si Yoongi sa pakikipag-usap sa head ng orphanage.

We were planning to donate money here and now that I saw how deprived the kids here were, I just wanted to help them more.

Matapos ko siyang buhatin para maka-upo siya sa medyo mataas na bench ay saka siya umiling, nakatingala sa akin habang kumikislap pa rin ang mga mata. If only I could give meaning into things, I could say that her eyes were telling me that I was like an angel sent from above for her. Natawa ako sa sariling isipin…

I had my own angel from above, and I hoped, she was happily watching us.

"Hindi po, ipinagbabawal po ni Mother Superior ang pag-aaway rito. Ganoon lang po talaga si Luna…"

As if instantly, from staring around the area where the other kids were scattered, my head was quick to snap back to the little girl beside me because of what she said. Kakaibang pakiramdam na ang nagsisimulang lumukob sa dibdib ko, tila naglaho ang lahat ng bagay sa paligid ko, kahit ang batang nasa harap ko. Suddenly, the loud place where kids were playing just a while ago became silent and empty… not empty but it felt like the place narrowed so it was only me and the bad kid earlier were left.

My eyes stuck in the direction of the swings. Doon ko nakita ang batang babae habang tila kinakausap ang barbie doll na inagaw niya mula sa ibang bata. I didn't know how it happened but I knew right there and then, my heart had built a strong emotion within, pulling me to dig deeper into the life of the young girl.

Ilang beses ko pang sinaway ang sarili ko dahil naisip kong baka kaya gusto kong makilala iyong bata ay dahil lang sa pangalan niya, pero hindi ko napigilang ang sarili kong magpabalik-balik doon. Like I promised, I brought toys for the kids but I made sure to bring a separate gift for Luna, I always tried to talk to her but she was always prying away from me, always chose the corner far from me.

"Six na po ako…" nakangiting sabi sa akin ni Manarr habang naka-angat ang dalawang kamay para ipakita ang anim na daliri niya.

"Si…" Bago ako magpatuloy ay dinala ko muna ang mga mata ko sa pinakadulong parte ng mahabang mesa kung nasaan si Luna, tahimik siyang kumakain at tila walang planong buksan ang paper bag na nasa harap niya. Inside it was a beautiful doll. The younger girl was busy eating her food, as if too tired to give a damn about everything around her.

She was a silent kid, the aloof one. Iyong mananatili lang sa isang tabi at ayaw makipaglaro sa ibang bata, kung minsan ay nakikita ko siyang lumalapit sa iba pero aagawin niya lang iyong laruan. She wasn't really nice, maybe it was also the reason why the kids didn't also like playing with her.

"Si Luna? Ilang taon na?" tanong ko. Though it was obvious that Manarr was older than Luna, I still wanted to know her age. Manarr was the same age as Taehyun.

"Four po si Luna…" Ibinaba niya ang isang kamay niya para ipakita sa isang kamay ang apat na daliri.

Luna was so much younger than my Luna, but I still wanted her, I still wanted her so much.

For the next days, with Yoongi's consent, I still came back to the orphanage. Matapos kong ihatid si Taehyun sa school ay dinadala ako ng driver sa orphanage na iyon para lang makita si Luna. Ayaw pa rin niyang lumapit sa akin kaya kusa na akong lumapit kay Mother Superior para humingi ng pabor tungkol kay Luna.

"Sa lahat ng bata rito, hindi si Luna ang maiisipan kong magugustuhan mo. Malapit kayo ni Manarr sa isa't isa kaya akala ko iyong batang iyon ang may pag-asang maka-alis dito para magkaroon ng mas magandang buhay."

I never thought about adopting Luna, or any of the kids because it seriously didn't cross my mind that it could happen but now the she mentioned it, my heart started pounding in excitement and joy. Pinigilan kong huwag magtatalon sa saya sa harap ng kagalang-galang na head ng orphanage pero hinayaan kong magpakawala ng ngiti ang mga labi ko.

"You think Luna will like it if I adopted her?" I asked, hopeful.

With a sweet smile, the old lady nodded. "Iyon ang pangarap ng bawat bata rito. Hindi pa nagtatagal si Luna rito kaya sa tingin ko, hindi magiging mahirap sa kaniya ang umalis."

Well, it wouldn't be hard for her but it wouldn't be easy for me because the kid didn't like me. Sinusubukan ng mga madre sa orphanage na itulak ang bata para makipag-usap sa akin pero palagi siyang umiiyak. She would then run away from me, or hide herself inside the girl's room.

Sa bahay ay palagi kong ikinukuwento kay Yoongi ang tungkol kay Luna. He was ecstatic not until he found out about the kids attitude towards me.

"Maybe you should give her time, you said it yourself, she was aloof. Let her ease herself up with you, don't force her…" seryosong sabi niya na nagpanguso sa akin. I still hadn't mentioned to him about my plan of adopting the kid but I was sure, he wouldn't refuse. He just needed to see Luna herself and I was sure again, he would love her like how she easily got my heart.

I didn't give up. For the next days, though I still brought toys for the kids, I made sure to reserve my whole attention all for her. Kahit na madalas ay tahimik lang talaga siya sa isang tabi at nakatitig lang ako buong magdamag sa kaniya, nakuntento ako dahil tulad nga ng sabi ni Yoongi, siguro nga kailangan ko muna siyang bigyan ng pagkakataong makita kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari sa pagitan namin.

I wanted her to see first that I was a person she could trust.

Smiling widely, I watched as she furrowed her thick brows, her attention all drawn to the scattered pieces on the ground where she chose to sit. Hindi pa nangangalahati ang mga puzzle pieces na nailagay na niya sa tamang puwesto para mabuo ang imahe.

With a deep frown, she harshly tucked the stray strands of her hair behind her ear, still too focused on what she was doing.

She was cute. I could only imagine her playing with my Taehyun. Paniguradong magkakasundo sila. Matagal nang nanghihingi ng kapatid ang batang iyon kaya matutuwa iyon kapag nalaman niyang balak kong dalhin sa bahay si Luna. She would be his baby sister…

"Uh…"

Mabilis akong umayos ng upo nang dahan-dahang siyang mag-angat ng tingin sa akin, ang mga magagandang mata ay mabilis na nahanap ang akin. I really had to hold my breath when it took me so hard to clearly see what was in her eyes, those orbs she possessed were mysterious but fragile. Her eyes were shrinking under the bright light of the florescent above.

She never stared at me like that, sometimes she would just throw me a quick stare or glare at me. Her small mouth slowly opened and it was barely audible to my ears the sound she made out but luckily, I heard.

"Patulong po…"

And I couldn't believe my heart could jump so high just because of those words.

It was the slow start of something between us. Hindi na siya masyadong lumalayo sa akin sa tuwing bumibisita ako pero hindi pa rin siya lumalapit. Every time Mother Superior would hand to her my gift for her, she would then spare me a soft stare with her thin lips lightly stretching upwards. And the next time I would visit, I would see her wearing the shoes I gave her, or the hair accessories, or the bracelet. Sometimes I would see her playing with all the dolls I gave her. And I knew, I had to have her so I made a decision that I had to tell Yoongi so we could process the adoption as soon as possible.

Slowly caressing my son's hair, his small form scooting closer to my body as if wanting me to never stop playing with his hair, I shortly spare Yoongi a glance only to see him already looking. His pair of kitten eyes was giving me assurance that it would be okay, that everything would come out okay because our son was never the difficult one.

Hindi na rin naman bago kay Taehyun ang tungkol kay Luna dahil kung minsan sa hapag-kainan ay napapag-usapan namin ni Yoongi ang bata. He also had given words about the kid.

"Is she nice, Mama? I hope I can play with her…"

"Kuya Yeonjun and Kuya Soobin said girls are headaches, Papa just because Moon and Sun are giving them hard times. Can I see Luna? I'm sure she's nothing like Moon and Sun."

"When can I meet Luna? Can I meet her when I have no school?"

He was eager to meet Luna, so it only gave me more enough reason to adopt the kid.

"Hyunie…" I softly called my son, not wanting to interrupt his serious watching but also wanting to get this done over with so I could already bring Luna here. So I could already give Taehyun what he had been asking. So I could already give Luna the love and attention she deserved.

"Hm…" He hummed, his eyes never leaving the television screen.

Natatawang nilingon kong muli si Yoongi dahil hindi ko gustong istorbohin ang panonood ng anak namin, hindi lalo na at ngayon lang siya muling nagkaroon ng pagkakataong manood ng cartoon dahil masyado nang kinakain ng school ang oras at atensyon niya.

Last week, he just won a drawing competition against other schools, he prepared for it for a week so he didn't really had a time to be the child that he was. Ngayon lang talaga siya nagkaroon ng oras. Next week, he would be back in his drawing lessons on weekends. Hindi namin siya pinipilit ni Yoongi na gawin iyon, kagustuhan niya iyon kaya hinahayaan namin siya.

We were just so happy that he was an active kid.

"You know Luna, right?" Si Yoongi na ang sumagot sa anak namin. Umayos siya ng upo kaya nalaglag sa kandungan niya ang comforter na nakatakip sa amin bago niya dinampot ang anak niya para dalhin sa kandungan niya. The transparent bowl of popcorns being in between them as Taehyun's eyes stared widely at his father.

Umayos din ako ng upo saka sila pinanood. When I said before that I didn't have anything in life I still could wish for, I hoped I knew it was so early to say that. Noon, kontento na ako sa mag-ama ko, noon ay wala na akong mahihiling pa pero dumating sa buhay ko si Luna.

God knew how much pain I had gone through before when I lost my own Luna, God knew how much I tried to move on but I couldn't. Now I understood. I couldn't move on because at some point in the future, or now, I needed the pain to be able to give love to someone who needed it more than my own Luna had needed. Hindi ko sinasabing magiging kapalit lang ni Luna iyong nawala sa akin, walang dapat palitan dahil hindi naman naging akin si Luna. She was a God-child, made to heaven and not for me. Matagal ko nang alam iyon.

I didn't want this Luna to be just a replacement, I wanted her to feel that the life I was willing to give her was hers, it was supposed to be only hers. Kasi kung mag-aadopt ako, then I could just pick Manarr or any kid from the orphanage, but I wanted her. I wanted only her.

"What do you think about her being your baby sister?"

It was such a rush question from Yoongi but nevertheless, Taehyun still nodded happily, happier more than I had expected. He showered us both with his hugs and kisses as he happily told us about how excited he was about it. He even told us about how he would brag about having a baby sister to Soobin and Yeonjun. Hindi na kami nakabalik sa panonood dahil ipinilit niyang tatawagan niya ang isa sa mga kaibigan niya kaya kahit hindi pa kami handang ibalita sa iba ang tungkol dito, hinayaan namin siya.

Just no one from us could afford to break his bubble of happiness surrounding him so we let him ruin the fun.

I wasn't getting nervous about Taehyun liking Luna but I wasn't sure if Luna would like Taehyun, or Yoongi, or the idea of being included in our family but I hoped, she would.

🥀🥀🥀

lol when i said 'soon', i didn't expect it to be this soon. I was watching one dream episode 4 kanina, tapos tuwang-tuwa ako sa meetup ng bangtan at txt (text talaga bigkas ko rito 🤦 nasanay na ako) kaya ayan, naisulat ko itong part one ng special chapters. ive already written the parts 2, 3 and 4 long long time agoooo 🤭 lololol ito na lang talaga iyong kulang para mai-pub ko na 🤭

let's once again dive into Fraye and Yoongi's life but this time, a little bit far from the past, yes?

and please, don't mind the spoilers thrown in this part, okay? huwag niyo ring pansinin iyong mga typographical and grammatical errors okayyyy? im not perfect 😭🤧.

just in case no one has told you yet, you're cute and valid 💕

- Hannan ♥