Charlie: Can you cut me some slack, Vaggie? I'm sort of in love.
Vaggie: I'm sorry, but that's really not my problem.
Charlie: I'm in love with you.
Vaggie: *blushes* Oh. That brings me in the loop a little.

Charlie: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*
Vaggie: What did you do?
Charlie: Nobody died.
Vaggie: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Vaggie: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Charlie: I wrote you a poem.
Vaggie, already crying: You did?

Charlie: Are you an 'arr' pirate, or a 'yo ho ho' pirate?
Vaggie: I'm a 'I'm not paying $600 for photoshop' pirate.

Vaggie: This date is boring!
Charlie: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.
Vaggie: Then why did you invite me?
Charlie: I didnt, I specifically said "don't come with me," then you said, "fuck you Charlie I'll do whatever I want!

Charlie: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail
Vaggie: No it's my fault, I shouldn't've used my one phone call to prank call the police

Charlie: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Vaggie: You mean literally or figuratively?
Charlie: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...

Charlie: Are you trying to seduce me?
Vaggie: Why, are you seducible?

Charlie: Do you take constructive criticism?
Vaggie: I only take cash or credit.

Charlie: I owe you one.
Vaggie: That's ok. You can just date me and we'll call it even.

Charlie: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent?
Vaggie: Go the fuck to sleep
Charlie: What gif I don't want to?
Vaggie: Fuck You

Vaggie: I think we should kiss.
Charlie: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

Charlie: *Stubs their toe* FUCK!
Vaggie: Mind your language!
Charlie: What else am I supposed to say, "Woe is I"???
Vaggie:
Charlie: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

Vaggie: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Charlie: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Vaggie: I said within reason, Charlie. How about I murder that guy?
Charlie: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
Vaggie: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

Charlie: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.
Vaggie: That's why I carry two swords.

Charlie: How much did you spend on this date?
Vaggie: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

Charlie: Vaggie was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.
Vaggie: Well, they shouldn't say "all you can eat" if they don't mean it.
Charlie: Vaggie, you ate a chair.

Vaggie: I have feelings for you.
Charlie: Why? What's wrong with you? Are you sure you're okay?

Charlie, talking to Vaggie on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?
Vaggie: You bet!
Charlie: At what temperature?
Vaggie: 535.
Charlie: That's the clock.
Vaggie:
Charlie:
Vaggie: 536.

Charlie: I can explain.
Vaggie: Can you?
Charlie: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

Charlie: Do you think you'd actually notice if someone didn't cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn't Notice It?
Vaggie: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!!
Charlie: Yknow what? Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I'm glad I could be an inspiration.

Charlie: So what do you do?
Vaggie: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers.
Charlie: Wow, impressive.
Vaggie: Then I'll move on to Leos.

Charlie: Today is a day of running through hurdles.
Vaggie: Aren't you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?
Charlie: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

Charlie, standing with their back turned: I've been expecting you, Vaggie.
Vaggie: How did you do that without turning around?
Charlie: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

*Charlie comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Vaggie's bedroom.*
Vaggie: Babe, are you.. coming to bed?
Charlie: No thank you, I'm sure you're lovely but I have a girlfriend.
Charlie: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep*
Vaggie: ...

Vaggie: Hey, Charlie, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
Charlie: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Vaggie: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
Charlie: Can't really say I have.
Vaggie: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
Charlie: Sorry, Vaggie. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

Charlie: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died-
Vaggie: Twelve, actually.
Charlie: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that?
Vaggie: Yours!
Charlie: That's right: no one's.

Charlie: So that's my plan.
Vaggie: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.
Charlie: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Vaggie: It fucking sucks.
Charlie: That's not constructive criticism.

Charlie: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.
Vaggie: You and me!!!
Charlie, tearing up: Okay.

Charlie, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
Vaggie: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Charlie, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day!
Vaggie: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar,
Vaggie: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the FUCK happened to you?!
Charlie, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS
Vaggie: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU FUCKING POSSESSED?!
Vaggie: YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND
Charlie, cry-laughing: ᴵ ᴴᴬᴰ ᴬ ᶜᴬˢᴱ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴹᴼᴺᴰᴬʸˢ