Alastor: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
Angel Dust: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents
Alastor: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Charlie: Actually I did the math, Angel Dust would have $225, not $0.15.
Angel Dust: Fam I'm right here....
Vaggie: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Alastor: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?
Vaggie: Sorry I only have a dollar
Alastor: :(
Charlie: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Angel Dust would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Vaggie: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Charlie: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Husk: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice
Charlie: Apply juice to what
: Directly to the forehead
Angel Dust: Great chat everyone

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Alastor: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Angel Dust: ...I did. I broke it.
Alastor: No. No you didn't. Charlie?
Charlie: Don't look at me. Look at Vaggie.
Vaggie: What?! I didn't break it.
Charlie: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Vaggie: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Charlie: Suspicious.
Vaggie: No, it's not!
Husk: If it matters, probably not, but Niffty was the last one to use it.
Niffty: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Husk: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Niffty: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Husk!
Angel Dust: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Alastor.
Alastor: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Husk: Alastor... Charlie's been awfully quiet.
Charlie: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Alastor, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Alastor: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Alastor:
Alastor: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Husk: Why am I the bad guy?
Sir Pentious: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

Alastor: *Stands in trash can.*
Husk: Alastor, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling!

Angel Dust: Didn't you die?!
Sir Pentious: That was weeks ago, dude. Things change.

Alastor: Hewwo.
Angel Dust: Hihiiiiii!
Charlie: Greetings, Humans.
Husk: Three kinds of people.
Vaggie: I want pudding.
Alastor: Four kinds of people.
Niffty: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Husk: Five kinds of people.

Angel Dust: You're ugly.
Vaggie: Tone indicator?
Angel Dust: Oh I'm sorry! You're ugly. /srs

Vaggie: Sir Pentious gets offended by everything.
Sir Pentious: What did you say about me?!?
Vaggie:
Vaggie: Case in point.

Angel Dust: Hey, check out my Spongebob umbrella!
*Angel Dust opens their umbrella while indoors*
Husk: Angel Dust, that's bad luck...
Angel Dust: Chill out, Husk!
Alastor, kicking down the door: WHO SUMMONED ME?!?!
Angel Dust and Husk: *screams*

Niffty: I really like Eminem.
Sir Pentious: I prefer skittles.
Charlie: They are talking about the rapper.
Sir Pentious: Why would they eat the wrapper?

Alastor: This is tied for most terrifying day of my life.
Niffty: Tied with what?
Alastor: Every other day of myself!

Alastor: Angel Dust... How do I begin to explain Angel Dust?
Charlie: Angel Dust is flawless.
Vaggie: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.
Husk: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan.
Niffty: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome.

Angel Dust: You say "Please" and "Thank you" in front of Niffty all the time, and they never repeat it.
Angel Dust: But you call Alastor "Ass-faced motherfucker" ONE TIME...

Alastor, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Angel Dust: Hey.
Charlie: Hi.
Vaggie: Hello.
Husk: Hey!
Alastor: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Niffty: We were out of Doritos.

Charlie: *out cold on the ground*
Alastor: Oh my god, do you think they're okay?!
Niffty, holding a bucket of ice water: Who cares?! *dumps all of the water on Charlie's face*

Husk: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Niffty.
Niffty: I hate myself.
Husk: Alright, square up.

*The squad is over at Alastor's house*
Angel Dust: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Alastor: ... N-No...
Alastor, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Angel Dust, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Charlie: I see a-
Alastor, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Angel Dust: Oh, well I-
Alastor: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Alastor, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Vaggie: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Husk: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Alastor: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Alastor: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Alastor, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Alastor: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Niffty, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Alastor:
Angel Dust: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Alastor:
Alastor, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Vaggie: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I'm eating dirt?
Niffty:
Niffty: Why are you eating dirt?
Vaggie: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

Charlie: What's the most efficient way to burn calories?
Sir Pentious: Exercise more!
Vaggie: Set yourself on fire.
Alastor: There are two kinds of people

Sir Pentious: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Charlie's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Vaggie: We all have our demons.
Alastor, grabbing Husk: This one's mine!

Husk: Niffty got into a fight.
Sir Pentious: That's bad.
Sir Pentious:
Sir Pentious: Did they win?

Alastor: I CAN'T DO IT!
Angel Dust, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Alastor: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Charlie: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Alastor:
Alastor: I appreciate it,
Alastor: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Vaggie: Alastor-
Alastor: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Husk: Alastor we gotta-
Alastor: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Alastor: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Alastor, motioning to Niffty: NOT FUCKING THIS

Angel Dust: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?
Sir Pentious: Alastor is the scariest thing I could think of!
Alastor: Sir Pentious told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.

Niffty: Angel Dust, what does IDK, ILY, and TTYL mean?
Angel Dust: I don't know, I love you, talk to you later.
Niffty: Alright, I love you too, I'll ask Alastor.
Angel Dust: Wait- Niffty, no-

Vaggie: No thanks.
Vaggie: I'm god.

Angel Dust, texting Charlie: *sends a voice message*
Charlie, texting back: I'm a little busy, is it urgent?
Angel Dust: No, don't worry, just listen later.
*later*
Charlie: *presses play*
Angel Dust's voice message: THERE'S A FIRE-

Angel Dust: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Husk: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

Charlie: When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Charlie lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Alastor: Croissants: dropped
Angel Dust: Road: works ahead
Charlie: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Vaggie: Shavacado: fre
Husk: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Niffty:
Niffty, grumpy: I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Alastor: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Angel Dust: Nope, absolutely not.
Charlie: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Vaggie: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Husk: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Niffty: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Sir Pentious: *clicks pen*
Angel Dust: *clicks pen in response*
Charlie: Stop that.
Sir Pentious: Stop what?
Charlie: You're talking about me in Morse code!
Sir Pentious: Yes, that's what we doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!
*later*
Angel Dust, to Alastor: That's actually exactly what we were doing.

*In a horror movie situation*
Husk: I've got no service in my phone here.
Sir Pentious: Shoot, my battery just died.
Charlie: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.
Angel Dust: Guys, my phone is a book.

Niffty: Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing voices.
Niffty: Then I remember that's the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Husk: Don't trust everything you see on the internet.
Sir Pentious: Pfft. What possibly nonsense could come from the internet? Oh. Did you know that the Earth is actually flat?
Husk: *Takes away Sir Pentious's phone* Yeah, that enough for you.

Alastor: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Angel Dust: Okay, but what is updog?
Charlie: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Vaggie: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Husk: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Niffty: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Alastor: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Vaggie: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Charlie: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Angel Dust: What's a henway??
Alastor: Oh, about five pounds.

Niffty: See, the problem is, Alastor, you're playing 3D chess. I'm playing 4D.
Alastor: I'm playing checkers. I don't know what the fuck you're playing.

Angel Dust: I am so horny and angry all the time.

Angel Dust: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine?
Sir Pentious: Angel Dust, what did you do?
Angel Dust: Take a guess.

*The Squad is on the bus, and a child is crying*
Husk: *rolls eyes to the sky*
Vaggie: *makes funny faces to get them to stop*
Charlie: *puts their earphones on at 100% volume*
Angel Dust: *doesn't mind, doesn't bother*
Alastor: *is the reason they're crying*
Niffty: *enjoys in silence*

Alastor: Dumbest scar stories, go!
Angel Dust: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Charlie: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Vaggie: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
Husk: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Niffty:
Niffty: I have emotional scars.

*Charlie sends more than 5 messages in a row*
Charlie: I ain't reading all that.
Charlie: I'm happy for you tho.
Charlie: Or sorry that happened.

Sir Pentious: Vaggie has only knocked me out three time this week. Our friendship is really developing.

Angel Dust: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Alastor: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Angel Dust: >:O language
Charlie: Yeah watch your fucking language
Vaggie: OKAY WHO TAUGHT CHARLIE THE FUCK WORD?
Husk: 'The fuck word'.
Niffty: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Charlie: Oh my god they censored it
Husk: Say fuck, Niffty.
Charlie: Do it, Niffty. Say fuck.

Husk: Angel Dust is okay.
Charlie: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!
Husk: Charlie, Angel Dust threatened me. They threaten Sir Pentious every day. They probably threatened Vaggie before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

Niffty: What do you want for breakfast, Vaggie?
Vaggie: Gay Cheerios.
Niffty: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

Alastor: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
Alastor, to Sir Pentious: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.
Husk, to Charlie: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
Vaggie: There are two types of people.

Sir Pentious: I'm not a doctor I'm a medic.
Angel Dust: What's the difference then?
Sir Pentious: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.
Husk: Note to self; never get shot.

Charlie: Are pigeons drones?
Husk: What? No, I'm trying to sleep.
Charlie: Think about it. How come you've never seen a baby pigeon? And why do you never actually see a pigeon nest? Because they're DRONES!
Husk: *Crying* Please let me sleep...

Angel Dust: Alastor? I mixed redbull with coffee and now I can see sounds, should I worry?
Alastor: Angel Dust, I swear to god—

Niffty: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.
Husk: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Alastor: In the past year you have managed to piss off the LAPD, ATF, CIA, FBI-
Niffty: NBA.
Alastor: ...?
Niffty: Snuck into a Cliffords game.

Charlie: You're a horrible person!
Angel Dust: Maybe. But I'm rich and I'm pretty, so it doesn't really matter.

Vaggie: Niffty likes to win. When they were 8, a little Club Scout friend of theirs bragged they could sell the most cookies.
Vaggie: Damned if Niffty didn't walk the neighborhood till they got blisters on their feet, and won by 10 boxes.
Vaggie: Best part is, Niffty wasn't even a Club Scout.

Angel Dust: You've got to learn to love yourself.
Sir Pentious: But don't you hate yourself.
Angel Dust: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Sir Pentious: I lost my fish, can you help me find it?
Niffty, cooking the fish: What? I couldn't hear you, please speak up.

*While the Squad is in a battle*
Husk, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!
Charlie: Take it back now y'all!

Sir Pentious: Seriously, Husk, how many people would you have killed if we'd asked you to?
Husk: That's not important
Sir Pentious: I DISAGREE.

Alastor: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

Alastor, to Sir Pentious: If you see Angel Dust, give them this message *makes a neutral face*
Alastor: They'll know what it means.
*later*
Sir Pentious: oh, and Alastor said to give you a message.
Sir Pentious: *makes a neutral face*
Angel Dust: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

Vaggie: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.
Angel Dust: Please never become a surgeon.

Husk: I hate to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.
Alastor & Charlie:
Alastor: Only one...?

Vaggie: COMPANY IS COMING! I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE DISNEY ON ICE IN ONE MINUTE!
Vaggie: SIR PENTIOUS IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR BED THROW IT AWAY IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT NOW!
Vaggie: GET RID OF THE COUCHES, WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE S I T !

Husk, to Charlie: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me.

Alastor: You know, when I first met you I thought you were a real bitch.
Angel Dust: What changed your mind?
Alastor: Oh, now I know that you're a fake bitch. Why do you ask?

Alastor: Okay, let's split 'em up and make 'em sing.
Sir Pentious: Two of you take Angel Dust, the other two take Niffty.
Husk: Right. Bad cop, good cop.
Charlie: You know, it's interesting that they say "bad cop, good cop," because policing in this country is so broken it's really just "bad cop, bad cop".
Sir Pentious: Husk, you're with them.
Husk: Got it.

Angel Dust: Do you guys want to see a butterfly?
Niffty: Ooh, yes please!
Vaggie, with their laptop open: I'm not going to stop working to look at a stupid bug!
Angel Dust: It's not a bug though...
Vaggie: ...
Niffty: ...
Vaggie: Well I still don't want to see.
Niffty, realizing: Please don't throw-
Angel Dust: Whee! *throws a stick of butter*

Computer: Please enter a password.
Alastor: *types in Husk*
Computer: Your password is too weak.
Alastor: How fucking DARE YOU-

Husk: We're about to do the taser challenge. You want in?
Sir Pentious: What's the taser challenge?
Charlie: We tase eachother, then drink.
Sir Pentious: How do you win?
Husk: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?

Niffty, over radio: Testing. Testing. Charlie, can you hear me?
Charlie, standing next to Niffty: I'm standing right here.
Niffty: You're coming through good and loud.
Charlie: 'Cause I'm standing right here.

Vaggie: Make her pussy wet not her eyes.
Charlie: Make his dick hard not his life.
Husk: Break her bed not her heart.
Angel Dust: Play with her boobs not her feelings.
Niffty: Get on his dick not his nerves.
Sir Pentious: Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

Husk: *finds half a watermelon at Whole Foods*
Husk, holding it up for everyone to see: LIES!

Sir Pentious: Tell me a little about yourself.
Vaggie: I'd rather not, I really like this group.

Niffty: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I'd just be excited to have a bunk bed.
Angel Dust:
Angel Dust: I'm gonna tell them.
Charlie: Don't you dare.

Charlie: *lying down and crying*
Alastor: There, there. Why don't you take some time off to not be around me while you're like this?

Alastor: Husk noticed only today that they can label their email inboxes, but they took apart their entire bloody laptop two weeks ago.
Angel Dust: This reminds me of the Husk who couldn't turn on the coffee maker, but remembers about 500 digits of pi.
Alastor: I'll be delighted to inform you that this is the very same Husk.

Angel Dust: This is a judgement free zone.
*Pulls out a knife the size of their forearm*
Angel Dust: And I mean it.

Husk: What, I can't be in a bad mood? It's like people think, "Oh, Husk is such a nice person, Husk is so happy-go-lucky! Husk can't be in a bad mood!" Well, you know what? Husk CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Husk IS be in a bad mood.

Husk: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

Sir Pentious, admiring a sleeping Husk: You're so cute.
Husk, sleepily: I could beat your ass.
Sir Pentious, lovingly: I know.

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing*
Sir Pentious: Would never stab anyone.
Vaggie: Would stab someone in retaliation.
Alastor: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
Niffty: Would stab without warning.
Charlie: Would stab as a warning.

Police: You're under arrest for trying to carry three people on a single motorcycle.
Vaggie, with Charlie and Sir Pentious behind them: Wait, what do you mean THREE?!
Police: Yes...three.
Vaggie: Oh, my God— What the fuck!?
Police: Wha-
Vaggie: Niffty FUCKING FELL OFF!

Angel Dust, about to leave the house: Don't spend all day watching YouTube, okay?
Alastor: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!!

*Angel Dust is substitute teaching*
Student: What did you say?
Angel Dust: I said, whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe!

Charlie: Hey! Wanna hear a joke?
Sir Pentious: Sure.
Charlie: Your life!
Sir Pentious: Actually, my life isn't a joke, jokes have meaning.
Charlie: Sir Pentious, no.

Angel Dust: I dare you-
Vaggie: Niffty is not allowed to accept dares anymore.
Angel Dust: Why not?
Niffty: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Alastor, wearing shades: Rule one of destroying the world.
Alastor: *does finger guns* You gotta look good while doing it.

Vaggie: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
Husk: An apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.