Lucifer: They don't make them like me no more. I'm the last of my kind.
Alastor: Thank god.

Alastor: When do I get my own gun?
Lucifer: I wouldn't trust you with my kid's lightsaber.

Lucifer: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.
Alastor: Three words.
Lucifer:

Alastor: When surrendering, Lucifer is to hand the sword over HILT first.

Lucifer: Show me Pennsylvania.
Alastor: I don't know Canadian geography.

Alastor: Start talking!
Lucifer: Well, I-
Alastor: Shut up!

Alastor: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Lucifer: I have an idea.
Alastor: A good idea?
Lucifer: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Lucifer: Top 30 reasons why Lucifer is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!
Alastor: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

Lucifer: Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Alastor: Okay.
Lucifer: And make out during the scary parts.
Alastor: Th-
Alastor: The scary parts.
Alastor: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Lucifer: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!
Alastor: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

Alastor: Thank God you were there. Lucifer. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.
Lucifer: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
Alastor: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting them out of their shell.

Lucifer: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.

Lucifer: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Alastor: Literally or figuratively?
Lucifer: I have to specify?

Alastor: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gonna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?
Lucifer: Why should I feed you if your just gonna die anyways?
Alastor:
Alastor: I'll go make my bed-

Alastor: I was arrested for being too cool.
Lucifer: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Alastor: Hey, if you type in your password, it'll show in stars.
Alastor: ********* see!
Lucifer: hunter2
Lucifer: Doesn't look like stars to me.
Alastor: Lucifer: *******
Alastor: That's what I see.
Lucifer: Oh, really?
Alastor: Absolutely.
Lucifer: You can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2.
Lucifer: Haha, does that look funny to you?
Alastor: Lol, yes. See when YOU type hunter2, it shows it to us as *******
Lucifer: That's cool. I didn't know this site did that.
Alastor: Yup. No matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
Lucifer: Awesome.
Lucifer: Wait, how do you know my password?
Alastor: Er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause it's your password.
Lucifer: Oh, ok.

Alastor, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Lucifer: As usual, Lucifer has to save the day!
Alastor: As usual, Alastor has to hear about it.

Lucifer: Don't preach to me about romance, Alastor. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

Lucifer: Hey, @Alastor, when you wake up you're legally obligated to agree with me.
Alastor: But I don't.....
Lucifer: I don't see why that should be my problem??

Lucifer, seeing a banana on the car seat: What the FUCK??
Lucifer, buckling the banana up: Fucking buckle UP, it's the LAW!

Lucifer: Shut it Alastor, I only shook your hand because I had to. We will NEVER be friends.
Alastor: Lets survive this together!
Lucifer: I HOPE YOU DIE.

Lucifer: I don't want to talk about it.
Alastor: Good, I don't wanna hear about it.

Lucifer: Ok, maybe playing 'whose family is most dysfunctional' wasn't the best idea we've had. Alastor's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get them out...

Lucifer: Being gay isn't a choice. It's a game and I'm winning.

Lucifer: Here's some advice
Alastor: I didn't ask for any
Lucifer: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

Alastor: Man, I'm gonna get fat if you keep feeding me all these chips and junk!
Lucifer: I'M NOT! I was eating them and you took them.
Alastor: You said I should try some!
Lucifer: I said they were good.
Alastor: That's not how I heard it.

Alastor: Lucifer, you're offered 500,000 dollars, but, if you accept it, the person you hate the most in the world gets 1,000,000 dollars. Would you take it?
Lucifer: Of course! I mean, why wouldn't I want 1,500,000 dollars?

Lucifer: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

Lucifer: What's your favorite color?
Alastor: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.
Lucifer: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?
Alastor: My favorite color is pink.

Lucifer: I refuse to apologize for being weird or off-putting. That's actually your problem. I'm having a fantastic time!

Lucifer: My assistance will be an act of beneviolence.
Alastor: ...Don't you mean benevolence?
Lucifer: No.

Alastor: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can't?

Alastor: Can I ask you for a favor?
Lucifer: I would literally die for you, but continue.
Alastor: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way

Alastor: Are you busy?
Lucifer: No.
Alastor: Want to do something?
Lucifer: Why would you try to ruin this for me?

Lucifer: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Alastor: *on the phone with Lucifer* I can't talk right now, I'm doing hot girl shit.
Lucifer: You're pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren't you.
Alastor: Maybe.

Alastor: Bonjour, Lucifer. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?
Lucifer: No, I don't want to sleep with you.
Alastor: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

Alastor: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Lucifer: Those are Pokemon cards.
Alastor: You got a magikarp.
Lucifer: ...
Alastor: It means 'fuck you'.

Lucifer, to Alastor: If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me.

Alastor, to Lucifer: You drink too much, swear too much, and your morals are highly questionable.
Lucifer: ...
Alastor: You are everything I've ever wanted in a best friend.

Alastor: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!
Lucifer: I'll hate my self in the morning regardless.

Lucifer: Are you free tomorrow?
Alastor: No, I'm fucking expensive every day.

Alastor: Go fuck yourself.
Lucifer: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!

Lucifer: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?
Alastor: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.
Lucifer: How so?
Alastor: It makes holes.
P.S.: I rubbed my eyes when I read this one, like why is it so umm accurate, holy bullets and stuff, haha, it's like an in universe dialogue only. It's like it was a dialogue in the hellaverse, haha.

Lucifer: Why aren't you sleeping?
Alastor: I'm too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Lucifer.
Lucifer:
Alastor: ...The nightmares.
Lucifer: *wrapping their arms around Alastor* Awwww, sweetie-

Lucifer: If we're in trouble, just throw Alastor at the problem, and hope for the best.

Alastor: That's the longest worm I've ever seen.
Lucifer: That's a snake.

Alastor: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
Lucifer: Alastor, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Lucifer: Can I ask a dumb question?
Alastor: Better than anyone I know.

Lucifer: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.
Alastor: ...We're on the ground floor.
Lucifer: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Alastor: I'm so jetlagged I can't even regrender my chorf.
*Everyone stares at Alastor*
Alastor: I don't even know what I was trying to say.

Alastor: Lucifer, I sense hostility.
Lucifer: Good, because I hate you.

Alastor: I want to kiss you.
Lucifer, not paying attention: What?
Alastor: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

Alastor: Go fuck yourself.
Lucifer, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

Lucifer: What do you want to be for Halloween?
Alastor: Yours.
Lucifer:
Lucifer: ...yeah, that would be pretty scary.

Alastor: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
Lucifer: Wow. They sound stupid.
Alastor: But they're not. They're really smart actually. Just dense.
Lucifer: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"
Alastor: I guess you're right. Hey Lucifer, I love you.
Lucifer: See! Just say that!
Alastor: Holy fucking shit.
Lucifer: If that flies over their head then, sorry Alastor, but they're too dumb for you.
Alastor: Lucifer.

Lucifer: Talk dirty to me~
Alastor: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.
Lucifer: Wha-
Alastor: The economy is in shambles.

Alastor: Is something burning?
Lucifer, leaning seductively on the counter: Just my desire for you.
Alastor: Lucifer, the toaster is literally on fire.

*Lucifer is crying after a breakup*
Alastor: There there, Lucifer.
Lucifer, still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room?
Alastor: Great question—

Alastor: Yeah, a partner sounds nice, but a supreme enemy you can make out with in secret sometimes sounds a lot more hardcore.

Lucifer: I'm in love with you.
Alastor: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.
Lucifer: I know.
Alastor: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Lucifer: Why don't you go talk to them?
Alastor, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Lucifer: What? So you go tell them they're cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Alastor: They could hear me.

Alastor: We should be partners.
Lucifer: You mean like, partners in crime?
Alastor: Yeah... that's precisely what I meant.

Lucifer: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.
Alastor: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

Lucifer: *Stubs their toe* FUCK!
Alastor: Mind your language!
Lucifer: What else am I supposed to say, "Woe is I"???
Alastor:
Lucifer: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

Alastor: I love you
Lucifer: thank you kanye very cool

Alastor: Please? For me?
Lucifer: Don't do that.
Alastor: Do what, Katsuki?
Lucifer: You think if you say, "please, for me?" and give me that look, I'll do whatever the fuck you wa-
Alastor: Please, for me?
Lucifer: ...Whatever you manipulative witch, fuck off.

Alastor: I'm having one of those things! A headache with pictures!!
Lucifer: you mean an idea..?
Alastor: MMMMHHMMM!!

Lucifer: You look nice, I want to kiss you.
Alastor: What?
Lucifer: I SAID IF YOU DIED, I WOULDN'T MISS YOU.

Lucifer: Kissing can burn 26 calories in a minute, wanna work-out with me? ;)
Alastor: Are you saying that I'm fat?
Lucifer: No that's not what I meant I-

Alastor: I trusted you!
Lucifer: Why?

Alastor *in the middle of the night*: Gay people real?
Lucifer *sarcastically*: No, go back to bed. You had a nightmare.

Alastor: From 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
Lucifer: I'm America. I'm only free for the very attractive and very wealthy.

Lucifer, to Alastor: My poor little stupid pathetic bitch of a meow meow...

Alastor: Watcha got there..?
Lucifer: *petting a ostrich* A smoothie.

Alastor: MILFS VS DILFS EPIC BATTLE
Lucifer: Divorce.

Alastor: Not elegant enough to be a vampire, not jock enough to be a werewolf...
Lucifer: Goblin it is.

Alastor: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Lucifer: I'm not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Alastor: And what do we say when life disappoints us?
Lucifer: Called it.
Alastor: No.

Lucifer, texting Alastor drunk: There's a f***ing oul outside.
Lucifer: Ouwl.
Lucifer: Owul.
Lucifer: Houl.
Lucifer: Oul.
Lucifer: How the f*** do you spell it...?
Lucifer: Hoot hoot.
Lucifer: There's a hooter outside my window.

Lucifer: I see you shiver with antici...
Lucifer:
Alastor: Lucifer, five years later: ...pation.
Alastor: FIVE YEARS. THEY WAITED FIVE YEARS.

Alastor: I have a 1:30 appointment.
Lucifer: Which doctor?
Alastor: No, I want the regular doctor.

Lucifer: Source?
Alastor: Divine intuition.

Alastor: I think I'm falling for you.
Lucifer: Then get up.

Alastor: Will you date me? Breathe if yes. Recite the bible in Japanese if no.
Lucifer: And then Jesus said: Omae wa mou shinderu.
Lucifer: And Moses answered: NANI?!

Lucifer: Alastor's voicemails from Sleep Away Camp sound like Civil War updates:
Alastor: Hello. I'm in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It's been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.

Alastor: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.
Lucifer: Oh. We're going out?
Alastor: Wh...

Alastor: Remember, Lucifer, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Lucifer: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Lucifer: I love you, my baby.
Alastor: I'm not a baby, I'm an adult!
Lucifer:You're actually a BITCH but I was trying to be nice.

Alastor: Hey, what flavor of Teddy Grahams do you want me to get?
Lucifer: Honey.
Alastor: Yeah, what's up?
Lucifer: ...
Alastor: Oh! Just realized you were saying the flavor you wanted. Not adressing my endearingly.

Lucifer: Are we fighting or flirting?
Alastor: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-
Lucifer: Your point?

Alastor: Yo, what if we placed our beds next to each other in Minecraft?
Lucifer: Um. There's a problem.
Alastor: Yes?
Lucifer: Uh. Don't get mad.
Lucifer: I don't own Minecraft.

Lucifer: You wanna go upstairs?
Alastor: Sure...
Lucifer: You have protection?
Alastor: W-why? What's up there?

Lucifer: We both look very handsome tonight.
Alastor: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Lucifer: I couldn't take that chance.

Lucifer: You have to apologize to them Alastor.
Alastor: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!