+   +   + the title is latin, not just a bunch of letters put together lol, just a heads up  +   +   + 

"I've been trying to think of the best way to explain it without sounding insane, well-- without sound more insane than I do on a regular basis, I guess." I huffed out as I plopped myself down onto the foot of my mattress. 

Stiles was sitting in my desk chair, both feet planted on the floor with his elbows resting on his knees. I had been pacing around in my room for the last ten or so minutes, trying to gather my rambling and racing thoughts and string them together into some sort of comprehensible explanation. 

Scott had apparently faced off against the Beast during my momentary psychotic break and was very much hurt at the moment. Kira had nearly carried him up the stairs and into his room so he could get some rest. I offered to take his injuries much like I did Stiles', but Stiles shut that down immediately with a "he will heal on his own". So, Stiles then led me to my bedroom so we could discuss what happened without Scott demanding answers and Kira helplessly watching the metaphoric ping pong ball bounce between Scott and I as we bickered.

I slowly met Stiles' gaze and he offered me a small encouraging smile, "Just take your time. Don't force anything, okay?"

Reluctantly, I nodded my head, "I can't remember much... I remember fragments." 

To be honest I'm not sure why everything started fading away with each passing second. As soon as I came to and realized that Stiles was in danger, it was like somebody had pressed the PLAY button on a remote and a recording of what I had just seen in my head played in front of me with ease... but as quickly as the memories played before me they began to fade away. Instead of moving pictures I have blurred and fuzzy images.

I can see trees enveloped in white. I can see pieces of my face scattered around in the air, like chipped mirror fragments suspended-- frozen in time. I can hear a faint echo of my voice, bouncing around in the trees demanding to be heard. I can feel the cold air, biting at my exposed skin. 

All of those details obviously do not add up to anything that makes any remote sense... so how am I supposed to explain them? I don't think I can. I need to make sense of it all because the answer to why I keep blacking out lies within those fragments of my memory. We can end all of this and help save Mason the sooner that I get answers. 

"Tell me again, about what happened when I blacked out." I winced as I made my request to Stiles, because he has told me at least ten times now and hearing his recount over and over again eats away at my sanity because knowing that I caused him any type of harm is unforgivable.

Stiles frowned as he shook his head from side to side, "I don't think you need to hear it again. Why do you want to keep punishing yourself for that? It wasn't you that did this to me, you and I both know this."

"I just keep thinking maybe if I hear it again something in my head will click," I sighed in exasperation, running my hands through my tangled hair. 

Stiles had told me that whomever is in my head is apparently a woman who was, well is I suppose, in love with the man that is the Beast. How she was able to cross that barrier from the afterlife to possess me is obviously a mystery, but I'm sure the Dread Doctors are to blame. He had told me that this woman is hell-bent on getting her man back into her life, in whatever means possible, and he also said that she told him that I looked the part. Whatever that even means. 

"The only way we are gonna figure this is out is by taking our time and working through it together, right? We are in this together, Kase. We always have been and I'm gonna help you figure this out." Stiles assured me as he offered me a warm smile. 

I sighed once again, "I don't have anything to work through, Stiles. It's all so fuzzy and cloudy and messy and I have no idea what I even remember. If I can barely process it to tell you, how are we supposed to figure it out?" 

Stiles facial expression morphed into a mask of deep thought. I watched as he stood from my chair and made his way to my light switch. He quickly flipped the lights off and we were enveloped in darkness. Involuntarily, I gasped because lately darkness has been anything but kind to me. 

I could feel his hands grab a hold of my own seconds later and I flinched from the sudden contact. He squeezed my wrists reassuringly, "It's okay, it's just me baby." 

For some reason a wave of uneasiness was rapidly approaching me and I was more and more tempted to launch myself off the bed and turn the lights back on. Something about being in the dark makes me unsettled and I can't help but think it has something to do with whomever that woman is inside my head. 

I could feel my mattress sink in beside me, due to Stiles moving to my bed. I angled my body so I was facing in his direction, squeezing his hands tighter because the impending doom of the darkness was creeping close and closer to me. Stiles once again gave me a reassuring squeeze, "I think this will help. You always lose time at night, right? You always lose time when you're alone and in the dark.. maybe this way it will be easier to remember what happened."

My eyes widened at the mere mention of me being alone in the dark, "Stiles don't leave me, please." My voice was pained and I nearly choked on the plea. I don't want to lose time again, especially not around him. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Kase." He said softly yet so firm at the same time. My personal anchor to what good I have in my life was assuring me that he was not going to leave me and that was more than enough reason for me to find some strength to not be absolutely terrified in this moment. So, with a very deep breath, I closed my eyes and tried my absolute hardest to let go of my fear and anxiety about losing time. 

I don't know how to explain what I could feel in this moment, a sense of being present and then just... not. 

"Well, how nice of you to show up."

It was my voice that I was hearing but I knew it wasn't me. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter because I did not want to possibly be somewhere else that wasn't on my bed beside Stiles. I could still feel his grip on my hands and wrists but it was faint. My anchor. 

"Stiles, I hear her." I mumbled, hoping that he could hear me and that I wasn't whisked away into another part inside of my head. 

I felt a squeeze on my wrist before he said, "You're doing great, Kasey. What is she saying?" 

"No, tell him that he phrased that wrong... it's what are we saying, Kasey."  

A sharp pain jabbed me in the right side of my brain and I winced, hating that once again this was happening to me. I grimaced as I squeezed Stiles' hands tightly, "Who are you?" 

"Have we not been over this? It's who are we--" 

"NO!" I surprised myself by shouting. It felt like the walls shook with my voice. I could feel Stiles' body jerk beside me due to the suddenness of my voice. Despite that though, he didn't let go of my hands. 

"No," I repeated a bit calmer, "tell me your name." 

A laugh that sounded dark and twisted and anything but joyous filled my head, "I'm afraid that's just not up for discussion." 

Her name isn't up for discussion? Why? Why is she trying so hard to make it appear that her and I are one in the same, when we most obviously aren't. Why is she so adamant on taking on my identity? The beast is trying so hard to remember itself, and the Dread Doctors are hell bent on getting it to remember it's own name so why is this woman, the lover of the Beast, doing the exact opposite?

Unless...

My eyes flew open and I fell off the bed. I hastily crawled across the room to my light switch and flipped it up. My room was bright and I felt safe. Stiles was watching me with wide eyes as I was panting and hanging onto my door frame for support. 

He was watching me cautiously, slowly rising from my bed and taking a tentative step towards me, "Kasey?" 

The questioning tone in his voice struck a chord in my chest, a chord that radiated heartbreak throughout my entire body. It hurt so badly that he had to actually question who I was. His eyes were glued to my face, scanning every possible movement or expression he could in order to decipher if I was in fact his Kasey and not somebody else. 

I nodded slowly, "It's me and I know why she's in my head." 

Stiles sighed in relief and then closed the space between us, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. I rested my head against his chest and encircled his waist with my arms. His hugs always felt so safe-- so stable and warm. They were the only solace I could ever find any comfort in as of late. 

"What did you find out?" he asked gently, his hands running up and down my back softly. 

I was watching our reflection in my mirror, taking in how perfectly we fit together and how comfortable we looked holding one another. It was putting my mind at ease seeing how we appear to other people when we are together like this. Seeing how perfect we look. 

"You know how the Dread Doctor's are trying so hard to get the Beast to remember his name? So that it can take over Mason's body and become who he once was?" I asked quietly, shivering slightly at what I was about to reveal. 

Stiles nodded in response. 

I took a breath before saying, "Well, it's sort of the opposite for her, I think. They don't want this woman to remember who she is... they want me to forget who I am." 

⬘ ⬘ ⬘

"I'm gonna check on Scott and then I think we need to get this rescue mission underway," I stated as I walked down the hallway towards my brother's bedroom, Stiles right behind me. 

I had half a mind to just go against Stiles' wishes and take some of Scott's injuries because we obviously cannot do this without him. Especially since I'm sort of a liability depending on whether or not I lose the ability to control myself. 

The door to Scott's door was open so I just peeked my head inside, only to find Kira and Scott sharing a very intimate kiss. I made a noise of discomfort as I went to turn around and leave because who wants to watch their brother kiss his girlfriend, but Kira had heard me and turned around. She offered me a small smile, "He just needs to rest a bit so he can heal before we can go." 

I nodded and then pulled the door shut. I spun on my heel and then gasped when I saw Malia and Brayden standing in the hallway. They were staring at Stiles and I with expressions I couldn't exactly place. 

Stiles quirked an eyebrow, "What? What did I do?" 

"Tell him," Brayden said as she stared at Malia expectantly. 

Malia sighed, "You know how my mother wants to kill me? I think she might want to kill you, too." 

She was speaking directly to Stiles but her eyes were locked on my face, nervousness filling her irises. Her mother wants to kill Stiles? My Stiles? Why on Earth would Malia's mom have any desire to cause Stiles harm in any way shape or form?

I kept my eyes fixed on Malia, "Why would she want to do that?" 

Brayden let out a low whistle as her gaze fell to the floor. I looked between Stiles and Malia multiple times, and then it hit me with a feeling that I was becoming all too familiar with. 

Jealousy. 

A whole lot of jealousy mixed with concentrated and pure rage. 

Stiles is a target because Malia has feelings for him. 

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." I seethed, already feeling my body temperature rise due to the fact that he was put in harms way because of her. If I could go just one second without worrying about Stiles' safety that would be a perfect world, but the world we live in, the supernatural one, seems to always find a way to get to him no matter how hard I try to keep him safe. 

"I should probably have a gun then," Stiles said as he looked to Brayden. 

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not giving you a gun." 

Stiles blinked rapidly, "You have a gun. The Desert Wolf, who is trying to kill me has a gun. I think I should probably have a gun." 

Malia glanced to Brayden and she sighed before pulling out one of her side arms and then releasing the clip from it. She then tossed Stiles the handgun and he struggled to catch it before it clambered out of his hands and hit the wooden floor with a thud. He looked at Brayden humorlessly and said, "I probably shouldn't have a gun." 

"You don't need a gun, you have me." I said as I forced a smile. 

He chuckled, "Well, I can definitely handle you better than a gun." 

Brayden nodded, "Listen, I think you two need to talk." 

It was obvious that the two people she was alluding to were Malia and myself. I haven't really spoken to her much since she had confessed that she had feelings about Stiles to me. I don't have much to say to her, especially not now since she went and put him in a direct line of fire for no reason whatsoever.

Malia cleared her throat, "I think we should too. Kase?" 

I opened my mouth to make a comment but Stiles clamped his hand over it and answered for me, "I think that's also a great idea. Head into Kasey's room Malia, she'll be right there." 

With that said, Brayden headed down the stairs and Malia walked into my room. I shoved Stiles away from and shot him a glare, "What the hell was that?" 

"Listen," he said gently, "there is way too much going on for you to hold onto this anger you have towards her. We need to all work together to save Mason and to stop the Dread Doctors, right? I know she hurt you and you're angry but Kasey, you have to move past it to help everyone else." 

I knew that he was right and that everything he was saying made perfect sense... I just didn't want it to make sense. I didn't want the logical thing to do to be talking to Malia... but his life was now at more of risk than before and I can't risk anything happening to him. So, if that means I have to talk to Malia then so be it. 

"Fine." I muttered. 

He smiled and kissed my forehead, "That's my girl. I'll be downstairs if you need me, okay? And try not to punch her in the face again." 

I rolled my eyes and walked to my room, taking a deep breath before crossing the threshold. Malia was standing at the foot of my bed, watching me cautiously. I folded my arms over my chest and looked at her, "Go ahead and talk." 

She sighed, "I get that you hate me.. but Kasey... You don't understand the way I feel-"

I held my hand up to stop her, "Do not try and tell me that I don't understand the way he makes you feel. I don't want to understand it. In fact, I don't need to understand it. The only person who needs to understand anything here is you, and that's the fact that you seriously crossed the line and now he could possibly be hurt because of you."

Her eyes fell to the floor, "I know that, and I hate myself for it. The last thing I ever wanted was for him to get hurt, Kasey. You and him mean more to me than anything and it's been ripping me apart knowing that you hate me so much. You both... you both awoke things inside of me, feelings and emotions, that I didn't know were possible. You both make me feel... God... this is so complicated." 

"What are you even talking about Malia? This has nothing to do with me--" 

Malia's gaze snapped up from the floor wildly as she tangled her hands in her hair, "It has everything to do with you, Kasey!" 

"How in the world does you having feelings for my boyfriend have anything to do with me?!" I shouted at her, not liking the way that she was throwing blame at me. 

I can't control how she feels about Stiles. It's not like I encouraged it or even suggested the mere thought of it to her. This is all her own doing. 

She shook her head from side to side rapidly, "Not my feelings about him, Kasey. My feelings about you!" 

Confusion washed over me as her expression morphed from guilty to angry. She looked beyond frustrated with me and I have absolutely no idea what the actual hell she was even talking about. Her feelings about me? 

"What?" 

She groaned in exasperation, "God you're so stupid!"

I opened my mouth to say something at her insult but she cut me off by flying across the room and shoving me hard into the wall. I gasped as I nearly knocked the dresser over and she used all of her strength to keep me pinned to the wood behind me. My eyes were wild as I glared at her, "Malia, what the hell!" 

She then did the unthinkable and Malia pressed her lips to mine in the most hungry and desperate kind of kiss I have ever received. I was frozen as she finally explained what she meant, but not with words. I couldn't move, instead I just stood there as I felt her anger dissolve. She pulled her lips away from mine and sighed, her eyes falling to the floor, "I made my feelings about Stiles up. Yes, I care about him and I love him but... but not like I love you. I just... I had to tell you about it in some way and I thought that if I said all of these feelings were for Stiles then maybe you wouldn't hate me as much, because you love Stiles so much because of how perfect he is... so surely you wouldn't have been surprised or upset that somebody else felt the same. I was so very wrong and I regretted lying about it as soon as I did it. I'm sorry, Kasey." 

I was stunned into silence. 

Malia had feelings for me and not Stiles. 

She made the entire thing about Stiles up? Just so she wouldn't lose me? 

I blinked rapidly, "Malia, I-"

"I know you don't feel the same and I know that it's not possible for you to ever feel the same because you and Stiles are meant for each other... but like I said before, I can't control how I feel and it happened. I just, I needed you to know that it was you and not him." Her voice was filled with sadness as she stepped away from me, keeping her eyes glued to the carpet. 

I knew that I needed to say something to her but I had no words. The ability to speak had just seemed to disappear and I was left to just stare at her in stunned silence. 

She sighed, "My mother wants to hurt Stiles because of you.. because of how I feel about you. She knows that if she kills him that you'll never be able to forgive me and that's what she wants.. but Kasey, I will do whatever I can to keep him safe.. I hope you know that." 

Stiles then came barreling into my room, "What happened? What was that bang? Are you two okay?" 

I swallowed thickly as I glanced between Stiles and Malia before saying, "Yeah, we're fine." 

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hello hello hello!!!

i'm so so so so so so so sorry that it took me two years to update... i really don't have any excuse or explanation other than i kind of just needed to take time to learn how to function as a human being without just burying myself in my head and imagination. all throughout my life i refused to try and live and would use writing as an escape to create a world where i was comfortable and felt safe and this series was just that for me. teen wolf helped me through one of the darkest times in my life and for that i will forever have a special place in my heart for it. 

if you've followed me for awhile i'm sure you know about my mental health and how it has been and always will be all over the place. 

so, 2020 was a rough year... yeah? i hope you all were able to stay safe and healthy during the craziness of the pandemic. it's starting to get a little better where i am, but still kind of hectic. a lot has happened and changed since the last time i was with you all... for starters, i'm a blonde now! lol! i also have found someone who is... hands down the most important person to me ever. he's amazing. i've made some new friends, i've started playing video games way more often (that was my coping mechanism for the lockdown / the death of my grandma over the summer), i turned 24, i got a new car and i was promoted to lead teacher at my school. 

sooooo this chapter was a lil difficult to start because it's been so long since i've written for Kasey, but once i started it kind of just flowed. i've only written in third person since my break from wattpad and so jumping back into first person was different. also, malia FINALLY admitted her feelings. it only took how many chapters? lol 

i hope you all were satisfied with the update and i just want to say thank you for always believing in me and supporting me through all my ups and down and craziness. there are only 3 chapters left for this story and then i am going to start avalanche. one of my self care goals of 2021 is to write more and to finish kasey's story because she deserves it after everything she's helped me through. 

i love you all endlessly and for forever xx