The next morning my head felt a little more clear. I guess somewhere between the scotch and the Harry Potter movie my brain had come to accept the situation as real.

As I got out of bed Gracie woke up as well, wrapping her arms around my neck as I carried her downstairs, her clinging to me like a sloth.

I started the coffee and pulled out a few things for breakfast while Gracie snoozed away on my shoulder.

Ender was still being cold to me when I woke him up, but I decided it would be better if I ignored him for the sake of my sanity.

I got him to school like I had the day prior, with Gracie sitting on my lap as I rode the bike.

Once home I started to work, spending my afternoon with Gracie on the boat, fine tuning nautical instruments and doing a little cleaning.

I was below deck organising some supply shelves when my phone beeped at me.

Of course it was a text from Ashton.

'We need to talk about this.'

I sighed. I was going to have to talk to him eventually and I knew him, he wasn't going to relent until I did.

I looked over at Gracie who was sitting on the tan sofa in the little lounge area next to me.

'Come by tonight after the kids are asleep.'

I sent him.

I didn't want to send mixed signals to the kids if Ashton came by for dinner or something and then we talked and we ended up breaking up and then confuse them even more.

My phone vibrated in my hand.

'I'll be there.' He had said.

I locked my phone again, my stomach twisting in knots in anticipation of what would take place tonight.

Gracie and I went to pick up Ender later on that day and I quickly got them back home.

Despite the fact that I was absolutely freaking out on the inside, I kept a calm exterior on the outside; finishing laundry, which consisted of some of Ashton's clothes. Then it hit me that I had kicked him out of the house without any of his things.

Wow I was a bitch.

I stowed them away in his drawer and then went downstairs trying to forget about it.

I made us some chicken and vegetables for dinner and being nice I even let the kids have ice cream for dessert, hoping they'd get tired from all of the sugar.

Ender took Bear for a walk while I got Gracie in the tub, letting her play in the bubbles for a bit before taking her out and getting her into her pyjamas.

Ender then went to get in the shower while Gracie followed me around downstairs telling me about her adventures with Ellie the elephant that day while I cleaned up.

Once Ender was out of the shower I got Gracie into my bed and tucked her in.

"Goodnight, lovey." I kissed her cheek.

"Night, Mommy." She said and turned over in the blankets, she was out like a light.

Next I went to Ender's room. He was sitting up in bed with his lamp on reading a book.

"Goodnight, End." I said and he set his book down, turning off his lamp.

"Hey," I became much softer as I walked up next to him and crouched down beside the bed, "I'm sorry things are this way right now, but please know I love you and I'm really sorry."

"I know that." He said and gave me a little smile.

"Sweet dreams." I smiled and leaned in to kiss his cheek as well.

Closing the door behind me, I made my way back downstairs to wait.

Ashton knew I typically got the kids into bed at around 9:30 and I wondered what time he'd get here, but I guess I'd just have to find out.

I was wearing my black yoga pants and the grey sweater Ari had given me. While I waited I braided my hair so that it draped over my shoulder.

I was becoming restless and needed to walk around to calm myself down so I headed to the kitchen to make myself some hot tea.

The water was still heating up when I heard the knock at the door and my stomach dropped, my heart beginning to pound.

Glancing at the clock it it said 10:30 and I made my way to the front door, taking a deep breath and opening it.

There he was. There was the boy who broke my heart.

Ashton was wearing black skinny jeans like he had been the day I found out, but had on a different solid black tee shirt. His hair was like normal, the curls a little softer at the top of his head, his face was washed and he had clearly used a store bought razor to shave. His eyes had dark patches under them and I knew he hadn't been sleeping either.

"Hey." He said softly, as if he might scare me.

"Hi." I said back, just as quietly if not more. "Come in."

I opened the door a little wider to let him inside then closed it behind him.

Under his pensive gaze I stepped into the kitchen to finish my making my tea.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I asked him with no emotion, not being able to help myself.

"No, I'm good." He answered.

I grabbed my mug and walked to the sofa, sitting on the corner closest to the stairs, my back to the armrest and pulled a blanket over my lap for comfort.

He sat on the opposite end, turning to look at me as if I was a branch bowing in the wind that would break at any moment.

It was awkward. Extremely awkward.

We sat there silently watching each other, waiting for the other person to speak, and finally he caved.

"Please say something." He begged.

"I don't even know what to say to you." I replied, my voice filled with disappointment.

"Something, anything." He said and I released a pent up breath.

"I'm scared if I do that I'm going to scream at you." I admitted.

"Do it. Scream at me. Yell at me. I deserve it."

"I'm not going to do that." I shook my head and looked away. "I just don't understand why."

"Carter, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry that you did it or sorry that you got caught?" I mouthed off.

"Sorry that this happened in the first place."

"Well sorry isn't going to fix this."

"I know that. But I need you to tell me what will."

"I don't know." I said and pulled my knees up to my chest. "Why did you lie to me?"

"Car, I didn't want to, you have to believe me. I was going to tell you, I really was, but I couldn't find the right time."

"Oh really? For five months you couldn't find one minute of your day to say "oh hey, by the way, I'm in a famous band, so the real reason I leave you all the time is because I'm actually touring the world.""

"I was scared of how you were going to react. And every time I was going to, something got in the way, and it didn't feel right to tell you."

"You lied to me, Ashton. For our entire relationship you've been lying to me about who you were. Do you know how stupid I feel? Everyone else in the world knew who you were, but here I was, oblivious to the fact. I feel like I don't even know you."

"No, you're not stupid, please don't feel that way. It's my fault for not telling you in the first place. And you know me better than anyone."

"That's obviously not true." I sighed. "Was it something I did or said that made you not trust me?"

"No, no. That's not it at all. I wanted you to know, I really did. I trust you completely."

"Or are your fans right, and you're just using me for publicity?" I said bitterly.

"No, Carter, that's not it at all!" He shook his head quickly. "I was trying to protect you."

"Protect me?"

"Yes. As soon as my management found out they wanted to exploit you and I didn't want that. I wanted to protect you from this world I'm in because it's cruel and viscous and you're too good for that."

"I don't understand why you didn't just tell me in the first place. Did you think I was only going to want you for your money?"

"No, that's not it. I wanted you to like me for me."

"Ashton I loved you. Whether you were famous or not wouldn't have changed that."

"I should've told you, I'm sorry. I was only trying to protect you. And I know that I lied to you, but I never lied about the way I felt about you."

"I wasn't just another charity case? Let's be honest Ashton, you know I'm not good enough for you. I'm not a Jenna. Your fans even said so." The words came out sarcastic and cruel.

"Where the hell is this coming from? Carter, you're not a charity case. And Jenna? She doesn't hold a candle to you Carter. You're everything to me, and that's the truth."

I took a sip of my tea and then set it down on the coffee table.

"If you really loved me you would've told me." I said and the look in his eyes was like I had just stabbed him in the heart.

"Carter, my love you for has never been anything but real. The whole reason I waited so long to tell you that I loved you was because I knew if I did, then I'd have to tell you who I really was. But you needed to know how I felt first."

"And in the end I didn't even find out from you. I had to find out from Ari! Do you know how that makes me feel? Everyone told me that you were too good to be true, and they were right."

"Carter I-"

"No! I let you into my life, into my home. You were my first Ashton, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first everything else. You tell me you love me and that one day we are going to get married and have kids and the whole time I thought I knew you but I didn't."

I said and felt the tears coming up behind my eyes.

"I don't know who you are anymore and yet I'm still in love with you, and I hate myself that even though you hurt me I still can't get you out of my head." I said as tears started to stream down my face.

"I never wanted to hurt you." He said, his voice cracking. "I felt sick every time you'd ask me about work or any time I'd leave you, because I couldn't tell you. And when the fans got photos of you I had everyone in management trying to get them down. I even sent a body guard here for you to make sure you were safe. All I ever wanted was for you to feel protected and loved and I failed. I failed you Carter and I'm so sorry."

His eyes were watering and I bit my lip, looking away from him as I let out a sob.

"I never meant for it to get this far." He croaked and I dropped my head down to my chest.

"But it did." I broke down.

I felt him move towards me and his arms came around my body, pulling me into his lap. Surprisingly I didn't fight him.

"I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry." He said into my hair, a soothing hand brushing my head as he tried to console me.

I felt used. I felt like if actually loved me he would have told me a long time ago.

"If I could go back in time and tell you when I first met you I'd do it in a heartbeat. I never wanted to hurt you." He continued.

"I thought you loved me." I continued to fall apart in his arms.

"I do love you. I love you more than anything else in this world." He pulled me tighter against him.

"It doesn't feel like it." I blubbered out in a tearful mess.

And that's when I realised what this whole thing was about. It wasn't that he had lied to me, or that I deemed myself not good enough for his lifestyle, it was that I felt like he didn't love me.

"You're breaking my heart." He whispered and I felt something wet fall onto my cheek. He was crying too.

"You broke mine." I cried. My head was against his chest and he held me against him, and even though all I felt was pain because of him, I couldn't seem to push him away.

"It hurts so much." I sobbed, referring to the heartbreak I was currently feeling.

"Let me make his better. I have to make this better Carter. I can't lose you." He squeezed me tighter.

"I don't want to lose you either, but I don't know if I can trust you." I let my honesty flow free.

"You can trust me. You can always trust me."

"I can't trust a stranger."

"Ask me anything you want to know about me, I'll tell you the truth."

"That's not just going to make this whole thing magically better."

"Tell me what to do Carter. Tell me how to fix this. I'll do whatever it takes, I promise you. Just don't leave me."

I'd never seen him so vulnerable.

Through my own cries I could hear his, he felt horrible about this I knew that. But that didn't change the fact the he still lied to me.

"Please, Carter, I'll do anything." He sobbed into my ear, the dampness of his cheeks hitting my skin as he pressed his face to mine.

"I love you so much." He whispered, his voice breaking and a fresh new wave of hot tears hit me, spilling over my eyes.

I didn't want us to end either.

Yes he had hurt me, but I couldn't help but believe that everything in our relationship had been real.

I wasn't his charity case, I wasn't a publicity puppet, I wasn't being used.

He had messed up. He had lied to me, and screwed us all up, and he knew that.

Despite all of the anger and hatred I felt towards him (and myself) these past few days, I still loved him.

And I wanted to fix us too.

But I didn't know if it was possible.

--

(omg this chapter BROKE MY HEART) but don't worry, the fight isn't over! there's still plenty more to come!

as always, vote and comment if you'd like and I'll see you guys in the next chapter!

much love xx -m