Voices, hurt, pain, agony, fear, darkness and anxiety...
Have you ever had a group of words?
Words that you can think of at the top of your head that describe what you are feeling at this exact moment?
The words above were some that popped up in mine. It's not just in this specific moment, but quite often. Although, they always arrive around the same time.
Have you ever had those words that always describe your evenings and nights in such a way? Just like tired, disoriented and blinding can be a few words that might come to mind on a summer morning after a bad dream.
Voices, we have a lot of voices. There are voices putting you down, voices that hesitate, voices that act irrationally, a voice that speaks, a lot of others and one that reads what you are reading right now. My evenings usually begin with an inner conflict, it spreads through the night till my mind decides to give up and throw in the towel. But it hurts, hearing all you did wrong, the people you potentially hurt, but you're so sleep deprived that you can't really tell what really happened, now can you?
Pain. Pain must be one of the strangest things I've ever had to deal with. I mean, when we were born and got hurt as an infant we would scream and cry. When you get a little older, you like all the attention you get as a kid from getting hurt. You fall, hurt your knee, and get a bandaid. What would you do after something like that? Show it of naturally, people either felt sorry for you or thought it was cool. Then we relized somewhere along the line, that we hate pity.
We hate pity, we hate feeling vulnerable, we hate when people look down on us or think we're weak. We start keeping pain to ourselves, physical and mental pain.
Such agony... You relize that it hurts keeping pain a secret. The mental pain starts hurting way more than the physical pain. Some of us even end up using it as a way to cope. Pain in the body to ease the pain of the mind. Eventually, you relize something again. Yeah, a lot of eye openers in life about this, we keep learning. You relize that... You don't want the physical hurt you cause, but you don't want the emotional hurt either. Your life gets filled with fear and darkness when you try to get help, or get forced to. You hurt yourself more whenever someone say you're getting better. You get jealous of people in similar situations that have it worse without knowing why. Sounds weird right? It's true.
You get a fear of getting better because you're taken away from what you once knew. You get anxiety attacks and don't know how to cope with them anymore because what you once used to numb the pain... is no longer appealing. You try to hurt yourself, but it's extremely hard, and when you "manage" to do it, it doesn't work the same way it used to. You need to find better strategies, without them you're still hurting mentally with physical symptoms. Make sure to get the right help when getting better, with the right tools to use. It won't all just disappear, your coping will get better and you'll have to work from there. It's scary, really scary when you notice you're stepping out of your uncomfortable comfort zone of depression and anxiety. I don't know about you, but... My fear is that I'll be just as pathetic and useless without the illness as with it. The illness is partially a way to keep myself... "calm".
An "excuse" to being how I am, knowing no one expects to much of me. Even so, I know I'm my harshest critic, which is why there is still a fear that... Me at my best, without the illness, won't be enough either.
I'm not gonna lie, I don't know the ending to this story, I haven't gotten that far.
Voices, hurt, pain, agony, fear, darkness and anxiety.
They visit me at evenings,
They visit me at nights,
What words are spinning through your head,
at this exact moment?
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top