"A high school student (E.S.) was found dead this morning in a small alley after being raped by ...."

The old television is broadcasting the news. Yesterday there was news of a mass shooting in the town square. There were terrorists bombing shrines. A kid killed his sister out of jealousy. Then the most unpleasant thing, a crazy gay man who raped a lot of men.

The world's gone crazy. No, the world has always been this way: there has been evil and inhumanity. Technological advances enable us to access information from anywhere around the world. Looking for scholarships overseas? Easy! Want to know what the dog called Olive Beckham has been doing? Stalk on social media! Who will marry Ariana Grande? The news is even everywhere!

Profitable? Think twice. Famous people's lives are constantly being exposed by the media. They have lost their privacy and peace of life. Is that so? Maybe I'm just jealous of their fame. If they die, people will know right away. Then they grieve, memorialize, say goodbye and thank you, fulfill the funeral, and send prayers. I envy famous people.

But, why should I care?

I should be mourning the death of that girl. E.S., the initials were pretty. Last night she had a terrifying incident where every woman in the world hated it. She was very young, there's still plenty of time to walk through the future, but God didn't want her to suffer any longer. That's very kind. May she find rest in peace there even if the abusers haven't been convicted.

Pathetic, isn't it? My life is already very stressful, and getting lost in this world without knowing the meaning of life is so foolish. I bet this chaos isn't only God's trials, but life does hate humans. I don't care how empty my life is. I'm even an agnostic─not an atheist, honey, it sounds shameless if I just never pray and go to church─who always hope that others' lives are enveloped in joy or ease in the face of adversity.

"We will do our best to bring justice to women. Never underestimate a gender, especially a woman! We are all fellow human beings, aren't you all ashamed ...."

Kind of bullshit, I guess? Yet, abusers often blame their female victims. And the government is slow to complete the case. Yeah, I know, it hasn't been a day. I no longer trust anyone, in anything and anywhere. But I expected someone else to live happier than me?

Such a contradiction.

Dear E.S., if only we could exchange positions, it would be better for you to stay alive. Even if I'm not a beautiful girl like her, I can also be raped, right? By women, by gay men. I'd like to choose the last one ... because I want to know the plight of women when they are raped by men. My body is extremely thin, imagine how weak I'm.

What the hell─why would I think of a bad scenario that's gonna happen to me?! Sometimes I want to feel the powerful pain as a form of punishment for myself before I die. People say my suffering is nothing compared to theirs. So how am I supposed to suffer to make this pain valid? They don't even care. Then why when they find a flaw in me, they slaughtered me with their cruel words? They were eager to make a spectacle and a mockery out of me. Hating someone else seems like fashion trend.

Well, actually ... I don't wanna live anymore.

Today is the first of December. Thirty days from now, at the end of the year, I'm going to die at my last seventeen years old. []