Chapter 44

I drew quite a few deep breaths while my hands were holding the steering wheel. Nandito ako ngayon sa parking lot ng lugar kung saan gaganapin iyong lamay para sa tatay ni Shanelle. She didn't actually invite me, but I thought that I should go here to give respect. Ewan. Hindi ko rin talaga alam kung bakit ako nandito.

Kanina pa ako nakaupo sa loob ng sasakyan ko. Dito ako dumiretso pagkatapos ng trabaho. Halos isang oras na rin yata akong nandito.

"Condolence," I told her.

I didn't really know a lot of things about her. She's quite secretive. Kahit na abogado ako sa petition niya, halos wala pa rin akong masyadong alam tungkol sa kanya. I guess it's her way of protecting herself because she thought that who she really is... is somhow unlovable. Ang hirap.

"Thank you," she simply replied. "Sorry, I forgot to reply to your emails."

"It's fine," sabi ko sa kanya. "I already requested for re-schedule."

She simply gave me a small smile. Iniwan ko na siya at naupo ako sa isang gilid. She looked so tired and so worn out.

I watched Shanelle as she moved around. Halata na iniiwasan siya ng ibang kapamilya niya. Did they think na siya iyong dahilan kung bakit nawala iyong tatay niya? Such a cruel thought.

Gusto pa kaya niyang ituloy iyong petition? I knew that the only reason why she wanted to fight the annulment was to protect her dad from the truth. Ano na ngayon? Wala na iyong tatay niya. Nakakalungkot... kasi parang tama nga siya.

Nanatili lang ako na nakaupo roon nang makita ko na dumating si Samuel. He walked straight towards Shanelle and just enveloped her in his arms.

I felt like I was an audience in some movie.

Na silang dalawa iyong bida at nanonood lang ako.

I knew that Samuel was just comforting her and that he was just being a good person... but my mind just kept on betraying me. Ang nasa isip ko ay ganito pala silang dalawa. Kasi nung una ko silang makitang magkasama, annulment agad ang naging usapan. I never really saw them together na silang dalawa lang...

Ito siguro iyong sinasabi ni Samuel.

Na okay naman sila.

Na masaya naman.

Na kung hindi niya nalaman iyong tungkol kay Shanelle, they would've been together still.

And... and I hated how I could see it.

They looked good together.

They looked peaceful.

I watched as Samuel whispered something in her ears. They looked comfortable with each other. Kung sabagay, hindi naman sila aabot sa punto na magpapakasal na sila kung hindi sila kumportable sa isa't-isa.

It's just sad.

I was there before.

I was there when he was having a hard time.

I was there, ready to listen, pero sa sobrang sama ng loob niya sa akin, mas ginusto niyang maghanap ng iba.

Nanatili lang akong nakaupo roon hanggang sa mapatingin si Samuel sa gawi ko. May sinabi si Shanelle sa kanya kaya siya napatingin sa akin. I watched as his lips parted slowly when he saw me. Right. Ang pangit nga pala nung huling pagkikita namin.

"Hey," he said upon approaching me.

"Hey," I replied back.

"Can I?" he asked, pertaining to the empty spot next to me. Wala akong katabi. Wala naman kasi akong kakilala dito. O baka kilala nila ako? I mean, mukhang kumalat naman na sa pamilya ni Shanelle iyong tungkol sa annulment. Surely, they'd be curious. And if they're curious enough, they'd hear about my name.

O baka delusion ko lang 'to.

I hadn't been relevant in their lives for years.

"Sure," I replied.

Samuel took the spot next to me, pero meron pa ring kaunting space sa pagitan namin. Ganyan din siguro iyong space sa aming dalawa mismo. Hindi na talaga kami babalik sa kagaya nung dati. Ang dami na kasing nangyari talaga. Hindi naman 'to fairytale na tipong once na magkita kami ulit, mawawala lang iyong mga nangyari dati—iyong mga sigawan, mga masasakit na salita? Hindi naman iyon parang bula na mawawala sa isang iglap.

Nasabi na.

Nakasakit na.

Nandyan na 'yan.

"How's your mom?" I asked because the silence had been stretched far too long.

"She's doing fine."

"Nandito pa rin sa Manila?"

"No. Back in Abra."

"Oh. Good."

"Yeah. Had to beg her to go home when I heard about..." he said and then paused. Pareho lang naman sila ni Shanelle ng kinakatakot. Ayaw nilang madamay iyong mga magulang nila, pero ang impossible kasi nun. Kapag nagpakasal ka, sa ayaw o sa gusto mo, kasama iyong pamilya roon—unless willing kayo na mag-cut off sa pamilya. This is not the case for the two of them.

"Again, I'm sorry for what she said."

"It's fine," I replied.

After naming magusap ni Samuel, naintindihan ko naman na iyong nanay niya. Samuel would've been at his lowest and I was nowhere near him to help him out—at least from his mom's perspective. Alam ko rin kasi na nung kami pa, lagi niya akong kinu-kwento sa kanya. Nakakasama nga naman talaga ng loob na iyong tao na akala mo nandyan para sa anak mo, biglang wala na nung kailangang-kailangan siya.

She must've thought na iniwan ko si Samuel dahil bumagsak siya sa BAR.

What a silly thought.

"I asked for postponement," I told him.

Bahagya siyang tumango. "Thank you."

"It's nothing. Yago would've filed the motion kung hindi ako nauna," I replied. "But... itutuloy niyo pa rin ba?"

I just had to ask.

Tumingin siya kay Shanelle.

"I'll have to ask her," Samuel replied. Tapos ay tumingin siya sa akin. "She just lost her dad."

I gave him a small nod.

I understood.

I did... pero paano kung ayaw na ni Shanelle? Hindi na sila magpapa-annul? Ganoon na lang 'yon? Legally separated lang sila? I wanted to understand fully, but I just couldn't.

"I'm not saying that we're never gonna get annulled," he said like he read what was on my mind.

"It's honestly none of my business," I replied.

"I know but—"

I looked at him and then gave out a deep breath. "Look," I began. "This is not the place," I continued. "Besides, you said it yourself—we can never be together. So... really, why does it matter to me?"

Hindi naman ako galit.

Masama ba iyong loob ko? Hindi ko na nga rin sigurado.

The only thing I was sure of was that I perferctly understood that what he's feeling is something that he couldn't control. Kasi alam ko na kung kaya niya lang kontrolin, he wouldn't consciously choose to hate me. Because I knew him. He loved me. He really did. Kaya alam ko na hindi lang naman ako iyong nalulungkot at nahihirapan dito.

Someday.

Maybe.

Pero malayo pa 'yung someday na 'yon—kung dadating man siya.

* * *

I said my condolences to Shanelle once again. She said thank you once again pero para lang robot na naka-program ang sasabihin. Hindi ko nakita si Clary sa buong oras na nandon ako, pero nakita ko na dumalaw sina Vito. It's none of my business.

The next day, I went to work as usual. And then I had a meeting with Yago to discuss the case.

"Nakausap mo na ba si Shanelle?" he asked.

"Not really," I replied. "Busy pa siya."

I really didn't have the heart to talk to her. Hindi naman ako walang puso na kukulitin siya tungkol sa kaso kahit na may ganitong nangyayari. Tama nga rin si Samuel na ang hirap na pilitin na ituloy iyong kaso kapag ganito iyong nangyayari.

"I understand," Yago replied. "Let's just try our best to postpone."

"I know," I said. "Pero hindi naman din lagi pwedeng magmotion."

He gave me a nod in understanding. Hindi naman pwede na mag-indefinite motion for postponement.

"This is a sure win now," Yago said.

"I know," I replied, "But this is real life. This is not just a case."

"That's not what I mean."

"Alam ko," sabi ko sa kanya. "Let's just do our best as their lawyers and I don't know... use all motions at our disposal."

Bahagya siyang natawa. "Macocontempt tayo niyan."

I shrugged. "Such is life," sabi ko. "Besides, malakas ka naman kay Judge."

Tumawa siya. "Sino nagsabi sa 'yo niyan? Si Iñigo?"

I shrugged. "Right against self-incrimination."

Nag-usap lang kami ni Yago tungkol sa kaso over some drinks. Tama naman siya na kung itutuloy namin 'to ngayon, sure win na. Labas na iyong sa sexuality ni Shanelle. It's a ground for annulment. I just felt like it was too insensitive of me to bring up. Namatay iyong tatay niya dahil doon tapos ano? Sasabihin ko sa kanya na makukuha na iyong annulment dahil doon?

It's like rubbing salt on an open wound.

I simply couldn't.

* * *

"I will miss you," Therese said.

"Ako rin," I replied as I hugged her tightly.

We did the math.

We simply just couldn't survive without the clients that Jill was bringing in. I mean, honestly, wala naman akong sama ng loob kay Jill dahil pangarap niya talaga iyong big firm. I heard she's doing very well in G&Z. Good for her. But without her, it's just not financially feasible.

Hindi ko rin kaya na ituloy na i-charge si Shanelle kahit na-dismiss na nga kasi hindi namin mahanap si Shanelle. Sana okay lang siya kung nasaan man siya.

"I'm glad we tried," she said.

"Me, too," I replied with a smile.

"I mean... it was a great experience pa rin, noh?"

"Definitely!" I said in agreement.

It was our last day in the office. Enough naman din iyong kinikita namin pambayad sa rent and utilities pati kay Tal, iyong paralegal namin. Pero wala naman kaming kinikita. Sobrang breakeven lang. So, we just finished all that we could've finished and then endorsed our clients to other lawyers. Konti lang din naman sila and nagawa naman na namin iyong groundwork doon.

"San next na plan mo?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "Balak ko umuwi muna sa province."

"Galera, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah... Magbbeach muna ako roon siguro."

"Kainggit naman! Ako work na agad after two weeks."

"Nakuha mo 'yung sa FNJ?" She nodded. "Oh, congrats!"

Nagusap kami tungkol sa mga balak namin sa career namin. Most of us—I mean, lahat sila ay tuloy ulit iyong career. Ako lang iyong nagdecide na magpahinga muna. I felt like I needed a break. Hindi naman magtatagal. Gusto ko lang talaga magpahinga muna. Having our own law firm was a dream come true, but at the same time, it was exhausting. Kami gumagawa ng halos lahat dahil hindi naman kaya ng iisang paralegal na siya ang mag-asikaso sa amin.

But it's all worth it—I learned a lot.

I guess the upside is when I go back to working, I can ask for a bigger salary. Ewan ko lang kung gusto ko pa gumawa ng sariling law firm ulit. Medyo nakakapagod din talaga siya.

We stayed in the office until the end of the office hours. Sobrang... sad na masaya iyong part na pinatay na namin iyong ilaw. Para kasing it symbolized the end of an era.

Another end of an era for me.

How I wish na dumating iyong era for a lifetime.

Napapagod na rin ako magsimula sa umpisa.

* * *

I went home to Galera. Isang maliit na luggage lang iyong dala. Ang layo ko na rin pala sa dati na ang dami kong dala tuwing aalis ako kasi kailangan may skincare, makeup, pati iyong Dyson blower na bigay ni Samuel. But it was fine then dahil lagi namang si Samuel iyong nahihirapan sa mga dala ko.

Ano ba 'yan.

Kailan kaya ako matatapos sa reminisce?

Pagdating ko sa Galera, I opted to stay in a small hotel. Alam ko naman na may bahay kami roon, pero hindi pa kasi ako ready na makausap si Mama. Ang daming nangyari sa buhay ko the past few months na ang huling gusto ko ay magsigawan kami ngayon.

I met with some old friends.

Nakakatuwa kasi may mga anak na sila. I was very appreciative when they didn't ask me once kung bakit wala pa akong asawa o wala akong anak. Honestly... honestly gusto ko naman. But I refuse to get married or have a child unless I am very certain. I'd seen a lot of people make the mistake of getting married just for the sake of it. Iba kasi iyong societal pressure. Tapos biglang hindi pala nila kaya o gustong magsama.

I'd honestly prefer to marry late than to marry early just to end up regretting getting married—regretting waking up every day and asking yourself why you ended up in that place anyway.

It's gonna be worth it with the right person.

But then I couldn't just avoid my reality.

I knocked on the door.

My lips parted a little.

My heart ached a little.

I was living my life... that I forgot that na tumatanda nga rin pala iyong nanay ko. I could visibly see the wrinkles and the white hair. She looked so old, but she still looked like home.

She's always been my home kahit hindi kami laging magkasundo.

"Hi," I said with a small smile.

"Wala ka bang trabaho?" she asked. She sounded nervous.

Umiling ako. "Wala po," I said. "Pwedeng pumasok?"

She opened the door for me. The place still looked like home despite all the small changes. Wala na kasi si Papa. Wala ng nag-aayos kapag nagkaka-problema sa bahay. Ramdam na ramdam ko na wala na si Papa bigla. Dahil dito. Dahil sa nangyari kay Shanelle. Kasi parang... pareho sila ni Samuel na pino-protektahan iyong magulang nila habang ako, nandito pa naman si Mama, buhay pa, pero hindi ko kinakausap. It was the rude awakening that I badly needed.

Nagserve si Mama ng pagkain. Tahimik kami habang magkaharap sa lamesa.

"Kamusta?" she asked.

"Okay naman po," I replied. "Nagdecide kami na itigil na iyong sa law firm," I said, volunteering the information because I knew that she wouldn't ask otherwise. "Okay naman po pero medyo mahirap din kasi kapag sarili mong firm. Umuwi lang ako para magpahinga sandali... saka para bisitahin kayo."

Bahagya siyang tumango.

"Alam mo naman na mahal kita, 'di ba?" I began. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako biglang nagkaka-ganito. Siguro ayoko lang umabot sa punto nung kagaya nung kay Shanelle na puno ng pagsisisi. "Hindi lang siguro talaga magkaintindihan kasi magkaiba tayo ng priority sa buhay..."

I looked at her and smiled.

"Alam ko naman, Mama... Alam ko naman na minsan nagsisisi ka na nabuntis ka ni Papa," I said and she shook her head. I wiped the tears that stupidly fell down my eyes. "Alam ko naman na mahal mo ako, Mama... pero alam ko rin na minsan iniisip mo 'yung buhay mo sana kung hindi ka nabuntis. Kasi 'di ba flight attendant ka dati? Ang dami mo sanang napuntahan na bansa, nakilalang tao kaso... kaso nabuntis ka agad."

"Hindi kita pinagsisisihan."

I gave her a small smile.

Alam ko naman 'yon.

Mahal niya ako.

Gaya ng mahal ako ni Samuel.

Pero pareho sila na may maliit na parte na sinisisi ako.

God, what I'd give to find someone who will love me... and just love me.

"Alam ko..." I said. "Pero siguro, Mama, magkaiba lang tayo... Kasi alam ko na gusto mo na mataas iyong marating ko... Kasi hindi mo nagawa... Sinubukan ko naman... Naka-graduate ako sa top law school sa Pilipinas. Naka-pasa ako sa BAR exam. Nagtrabaho ako sa magandang law firm. Nagtayo pa ako ng sarili kong firm. Nagawa ko naman lahat... pero alam mo 'yon? Hindi ako masaya."

Nagtuluy-tuloy iyong pagbuhos ng luha ko.

Kasi nasabi ko na.

Na hindi ako masaya.

I wanted what my friends have.

I wanted a family to go home to at the end of a long day.

God, I wanted all that...

Kung pwede lang ipilit...

"Kaya siguro hindi tayo magkasundo kahit gusto mo lang naman maging successful ako," sabi ko sa kanya. "Kaya kahit naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit gusto mo na makipaghiwalay ako kay Samuel dati nung halos bumabagsak na ako sa school... Naiintindihan ko naman... Alam ko na gusto mo lang 'yung the best para sa akin... Pero alam mo 'yon, Mama? Hindi iyon 'yung priority ko. Hindi ko priority maging successful. Gusto ko lang sumaya. Kaya ang sakit nung pina-mukha mo sa akin na iniwan ako kahit na halos ibigay ko lahat."

Halos hindi ko na siya makita dahil sa luha sa mga mata ko. Pero ang gaan ng pakiramdam ko... na sa wakas, nasabi ko na rin lahat.

Na gusto ko lang namang sumaya. 

**

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