Chapter 43

Mrs. Fortalejo left us.

She just... left.

Like she did not want to deal with what she just heard.

Naiwan kaming tatlo dito sa opisina ko. I had always thought that my office was spacious. Granted that it was not big, but it was big enough for me not to suffocate. But not right now. I felt like the room was too small for the three of us. I felt like the air was quickly escaping my chest.

"Why did you do that?" Samuel asked her.

Shanelle snapped her head at his direction. "What did you want me to do? Just watch as she give herself a heart attack?"

Samuel ran his fingers through his hair with frustration. I didn't understand why it had come to this, pero nandito na. Naiintindihan ko rin na naiipit siya sa nangyayari. This one was a no-win situation. Paano ka nga ba mananalo kung kahit ano ang mangyari, may masasaktan ka?

Shanelle looked at me. "I'm sorry," she said.

Napaawang ang labi ko. This was so... out of character of her. I had not known her for long, but from what I knew? She's not one who apologizes easily. Parang mas mataas pa sa Empire State building ang pride niya. Mas mahalaga para sa kanya iyong tingin ng ibang tao kaysa sa sarili niyang nararamdaman. That's why she was so willing to be with people who didn't really love her the way she deserves to be loved. All for validation.

I feel bad for people like her.

"Secret's out," she said. "I'm pretty sure this would reach my family."

Napatingin sa kanya si Samuel. "No," Samuel said. "I'm sure my mom will not say anything."

Pagak na natawa si Shanelle. "Why? Because it's such a sin? That she'll rather live in denial?"

"Yes," Samuel said. "And I'm sorry, Shanelle."

Hindi nagsalita si Shanelle, but even her silence spoke thousands of words. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. I wanted to leave the room. I didn't want to be a part of this. I didn't want a front row seat as his marriage unravels. I took no delight from that.

"Can we re-sched the meeting?" Shanelle asked me.

"Of course," I replied.

I knew how sensitive she was with this topic. Baka kailangan niyang puntahan iyong tatay niya. Baka kailangan niyang unahan sa pagsasabi kasi totoo naman na mas maganda kung sa kanya manggagaling.

Having a family is a huge responsibility... Sana alam 'yan ng mga tao bago sila magpakasal, lalo na ang magka-anak. Na hindi naman 'yan mini-me mo lang habang buhay. Magkakaroon 'yan ng sariling isip. Paano kung hindi akma sa paniniwala mo? Itatakwil mo na lang? Kasi hindi mo kagaya?

Ang hirap.

"Dea—" Samuel said, but paused. "Atty. Manjarrez," he continued, correcting himself. "I'm sorry for what my mom did."

"Why did she think that I abandoned you?" I asked him when we were left alone.

This has been ringing in my mind the first time I heard it.

Gusto ko lang malaman kung ano ba iyong nangyari para sa kanya. Kasi parang magkaiba kami ng naaalala. Ang alam ko, nandon ako sa kanya hanggang sa huli. Kasi alam ko na nilaban ko siya. Pero baka iba iyong nangyari. Baka sobrang nasaktan lang ako na iba na iyong sinasabi ko sa sarili ko.

"I don't know."

"Really?"

He looked at me. "I did not say that you abandoned me."

"Then why would she think that?"

"Because," he said and then paused like he didn't want to say the next words. "Because one day, you're everything I could talk about. And the next day, you're just... gone."

Bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko.

Kumunot ang noo.

"I was not gone."

"I know," he replied. "I just stopped talking about you."

"And she thought I abandoned you?"

Tumingin siya sa akin. "It was a hard time, Deanne."

"I know. I was there," I said. "I thought I tried my best to help you... Mali pala ako."

Umiling siya. "No, that's not true."

"It is true, though. Totoo naman na sinisisi mo ako sa nangyari sa BAR mo, 'di ba? Kasi kung hindi naman dahil sa akin, hindi ka magsasabi ng totoo nung nagbigay ka ng statement. Kung hindi dahil sa akin, wala ka sigurong naging problema sa frat mo. Siguro nakuha mo lahat ng benefits. Siguro nasa mataas na posisyon ka na sa kung saan mo man gusto," tuluy-tuloy na sabi ko. "Deep inside, alam mo na sinisisi mo ako sa mga nangyari sa buhay mo."

He just stood there and kept on looking at me.

Was I right?

I thought I was right... but I needed him to confirm it. Kasi nakakapagod na sisihin iyong sarili ko. Kasi kahit alam ko na wala naman akong kasalanan, minsan hindi ko pa rin mapigilan...

Samuel's smart.

He could've been something.

Baka nga tama iyong nanay niya—I derailed his future.

"I don't blame you."

"Bullshit," mabilis na sagot ko.

"I made that decision myself."

"Kung wala ako sa buhay mo, ganon pa rin ba iyong statement na ibibigay mo?" tanong ko. Hindi siya nakapagsalita. "See? I'm the reason. And you know yourself na ako ang sinisisi mo."

He looked me in the eye. "No, I don't blame you," he said. Tumitig lang din ako sa kanya. "I don't want to blame you."

"But it's hard not to," I continued for him.

Sandali kaming binalot ng katahimikan.

"I tried to do everything for you, Samuel... Halos bumagsak na ako sa fourth year classes ko para lang mabigay sa 'yo lahat nung dapat meron ka galing sa frat mo."

I saw the slight trembling of his lips.

Because I was right.

He knew I was right.

He's only human. He feels what he feels. And he feels like I was the one who was to blame. Kung wala ako, ang layo na siguro ng narating niya... Hindi sana siya ganito ngayon. Baka nga masaya pa siya.

"I'm sorry, D..." he said.

"Are you?"

"Yes," he replied. "Because you didn't deserve it. It was not your fault that... that I felt that way. Wala ka naman don nung sinabi ko 'yung statement. I could've lied if I wanted to."

Hindi ako nakasagot. I remember threatening to break it off with him kung hindi pa rin siya aalis sa frat niya. I guess I should have broken it off the first time. Pero binigyan ko ng chance. Paulit-ulit. I kept on telling myself that maybe this time, it'd get better. Kasi si Iñigo, nakaalis naman. Si Iñigo, naging maayos naman.

Pero magkaiba nga pala sila.

I couldn't save someone who didn't want to be saved...

"You did everything, Deanne," he said. "I appreciate everything that you did for me. I appreciated you trying to get me all the materials. I appreciated you getting my BAR kit. I appreciated you trying to make the whole BAR month easier."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Bakit ka nagpakasal sa iba?"

Nakatayo lang ako roon, naghihintay sa sagot niya. We had talked about this before. I had heard his answer before. But this time, I wanted his truth. I wanted to hear it straight from him. That maybe this time, makaahon na ako sa bangin na pinag-iwanan niya sa akin.

"I already told you my answer."

"No."

"I married Shanelle because it was a good idea."

"Bullshit."

"I wanted some company. She wanted some company. It was not that complicated. If I didn't discover about Clary, we would still be married by now," he said, looking into my eyes. "I'm sorry this is not the answer you want to hear from me."

"Did you love her?"

"Not like how I loved you," he said while still staring into my eyes like he was looking for the windows to my soul.

Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya.

"Sometimes... sometimes I miss you terribly," he said as I saw how his eyes began to water. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at pilit na pinantak ang paghinga niya. "But I also knew that we can never be together again."

"Why?"

"Because I hurt you."

"Or because you resent me?"

I got my answer with his silence.

"Kung bumagsak din ba ako sa first take, mababawasan 'yung sama ng loob mo sa akin, Samuel?" tanong ko sa kanya.

Kaya ba sila ni Shanelle dahil pareho silang bumagsak? Did that bond them together? God, I loved him so much that if he asked me before to fail the exam, I would have done that in a heartbeat. Because I didn't want him to be lonely. I didn't want him to feel like a failure. Sasamahan ko siya kahit saan—kahit sa pinaka-baba pa 'yan. Bakit hindi niya 'yon maintindihan?

"It probably hurts to look at me..." I told him. "I probably remind you of all the things you could've been..."

I gave him a small smile and wiped my own tears.

"You know what? At the back of my mind, a little part of me still yearns for you. Iyong tangang parte ng isip ko, bumubulong na baka kapag ayos na iyong annulment niyo ni Shanelle, pwede na ako naman ulit... Kaso parang malabo na. Kasi kahit gaano mo pa siguro ako kamahal, hindi pa rin pwede... Kasi may parte d'yan sa puso mo na galit sa akin..."

God, I hated how the tears kept on falling.

This felt like the break up that never happened.

Because one day, we just ended.

But now... at least now I have closure—because God, I badly needed one.

"I'm sorry, D..." he said.

I looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, me, too."

**

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