Chapter 37

"I heard nagsubmit na ng report of non-collusion?" Shanelle asked.

I nodded without looking at her. I was in the middle of finishing an affidavit nang sabihin sa akin na nandito raw si Shanelle. Pinapasok ko naman siya, but I was really busy. Mayroon akong ibang trabaho bukod sa petition niya.

"Was about to tell you," I replied.

"What now?" she asked as she took the liberty of sitting herself down.

"Wait for the notice of hearing," sabi ko sa kanya. "May nahanda na ako na list ng witness natin. I just need you to confirm the list para masimulan na 'yung sa judicial affidavits," I added.

"Okay."

"Still the same list, right? Basta wala si Clary and your family?"

"Yup."

"Noted."

Nagpatuloy ako sa ginagawa ko. Usually ay aalis na si Shanelle once na makuha niya na iyong gusto niya. At first, I found it rude, but later on, I realized na ganito lang talaga siyang klaseng tao. She's a no-nonsense kind of person. It's not rude per se—ayaw niya lang siguro talaga na nasasayang ang oras niya. And for some reason, the marriage with Samuel was starting to make a lot of sense.

It was convenient for the both of them, hence, they got married. Ganoon lang ka-simple. There's no world-defying logic behind that. Ako lang ang nahihirapan because I kept on looking for a deeper explanation when it's simply just that—a marriage that was convenient.

Nang lumipas ang isang minuto at hindi pa rin siya tumatayo, ibinaling ko na ang tingin ko sa kanya.

"Do you need anything else?" I asked.

"Family law's not really my forte, so I have no idea how this really works... but is there a way for Samuel's family to be spared from this?"

I drew a deep breath. "Kahit hindi sila isama sa witness list nina Yago, I don't think this can be hidden from them," I told her.

Tipid siyang tumango. "I thought so. I just had to ask," sabi niya bago siya tumayo. She really did care about his family para itanong pa ito tungkol sa akin. Did they like her for him? Ako kaya—

Tsk.

Useless and dangerous questions once again.

"I'll get going," sabi niya. "Just contact me if you need anything."

Tipid din akong tumango bago siya pinanood na lumabas mula sa opisina ko. Nang marinig ko iyong pagsara ng pinto ay agad akong napasandal at napatingin sa kisame.

I just... I just really wanted this to be over. But I was kidding myself dahil alam ko na at most, aabutin 'to ng taon. That's just how it works. Mabagal talaga ang proseso ng annulment sa bansa na 'to. Mauubos hindi lang ang pera mo kundi pati ang pasensya mo.

* * *

I stayed in the office hanggang sa ako na lang ang matira. This had been my life lately... Ang weird lang kasi sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako magtatrabaho sa malalaking firm dahil sigurado ako na roon iikot ang buhay ko, pero parang ganon din naman ang nangyari sa akin.

I needed to find a hobby or something.

Burnout ang aabutin ko kung magpapatuloy pa 'to.

I knew that I should probably get home to rest, but my subconscious brought me to my usual bar. I just needed one drink. Hindi naman ako nagda-drive ng lasing. Even at my lowest, I know my limit. I just needed a drink para makatulog ako agad mamaya. My mind was already tired from all the working and the thinking.

I sat on my usual spot by the bar. Hindi sikat 'tong bar na pinupuntahan ko lagi. Ayoko kasi ng maingay. Most of the time, I really just want to be left alone.

Pero bago pa man ako makaupo ay napatigil ako nang may mapansin ako na pamilyar na likod.

"Deanne, usual?" sabi sa akin ng bartender. First name basis na kami dahil madalas ako rito.

"Yes," sabi ko pero agad na napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ko si Samuel na lumingon sa akin. I blinked a couple of times. It's been... quite a while since I last saw him. But the last time we talked, it was a good talk... compared to the other talks we had as of the recent.

"Deanne—" sabi niya pero napahinto siya. "Atty. Manjarrez," he corrected himself.

Umayos ako ng tayo. "No, Deanne's fine," I told him.

I hated how this felt nice.

And familiar.

And I knew I should turn my heels back, but for some reason, I stayed where I was standing—like this was where I was meant to be.

His face was painted with confusion sa sinabi ko. Pati ako ay nalilito na rin sa sarili ko. Litung-lito na siguro siya sa akin. I'd tell him to leave me alone, yet here I was, telling him that it's okay to call me by my first name like he did before.

God, the familiarity was awful.

But comforting.

This was pulling me in different directions.

"Deanne," he said and I hated how I noticed the small smile on his face when he said my name. Hindi ko na lang pinakita na napansin ko iyon.

I took my usual seat by the bar. May isang upuan sa pagitan namin. Nakatingin ako sa may inumin ko na inilapag sa harapan ko.

"Hindi ako umiinom," biglang sabi niya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "What?"

"Iced tea," he said as he raised his glass. "I try not to drink anymore. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ako nandito. Probably to trick my system into thinking that I'm still drinking even if I'm not."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"Tapusin ko lang 'to. Aalis na ako."

"Hindi kita pinapaalis," I told him.

"I know, but it looks bad. You're my wife's lawyer."

That fucking stung.

When it came from his mouth, the word wife stung kahit totoo naman.

"Well, this bar's a public place. Nagkataon lang na nandito ka at nandito rin ako," sabi ko sa kanya kahit hindi ko na rin alam kung ano ang mga lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Nakatingin siya sa akin na para bang naguguluhan siya sa nangyayari. I held the glass with both my hands. Huminga ako nang malalim.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Of course you can leave if you want to."

Imbes na sumagot ay nanatili lang siyang nakatingin sa akin.

"What?" I asked nang hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. "I don't like getting mad. I don't have the same energy like when I was younger."

Nung nasa law school pa kami, kahit pagod from class and recit, nagagawa pa naming maglakad sa kung saan-saan para maghanap ng kakainan. I remember us listing down all the places kung saan kami nakakain ng tapsilog. Naghahanap kami kung saan ba iyong pinakamasarap na tapsi.

Those really were the days—too bad at that time, I didn't know that those days would be the peak of my happiness because it truly had been disappointing since then.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay," I replied.

We sat with a chair and the silence between us. Napapaligiran kami ng mahinang tugtog ng jazz music mula sa speaker. It was relaxing yet unnerving. Truly that with him, I was feeling both ends of the spectrum. It was either I was extremely happy or extremely sad. It was probably both our fault that we never tried to find the middle ground. Hindi naman kasi pwede na laging nasa pinakataas o sa pinakababa. We'd both get burned like what happened to us.

"I heard you're in insurance?" I asked because the silence was killing me.

"For now," sabi niya.

"Hindi ba masaya dun?"

"Okay lang," he said. "Family law," he continued.

Saglit akong natawa. "Right? I always thought I'd end up in criminal law yet here I am."

"Life's weird," he said.

"Agreed."

Nagtagpo iyong mga tingin namin sa salamin sa harap namin. I knew I should break the stare, but my eyes wouldn't let me. Kahit siya naman ay hindi rin nagbabaling ng tingin.

"Yung parents—" I said and then stopped myself bago ko pa matapos ang tanong ko. I shouldn't ask him about the case. That would be against the rule.

"What about my parents?"

Umiling ako. "Wala," sagot ko sabay inom sa baso ko. Ramdam ko na nakatingin siya sa akin. Hindi ko masabi na tigilan niya. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko ba na nakatingin siya sa akin o tinakasan lang talaga ako ng mga salita.

"Deanne."

God, why did have to say my name that way? Like he's longed to say it for the longest time?

"What?" I asked with my eyes still on the glass. I couldn't hear him say my name that way and look at him, too. Even I know that that would be too much.

"You never met my mom but you do know that she knows about you, right?"

Napatungo ako. "Yeah... We never met."

"I think you'll meet her soon," he said.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Isa siya sa witness niyo?" I asked. Hindi ko napigilan na tanungin kahit alam ko na hindi dapat ako nagtatanong sa kanya tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay. There are lines that I should not cross... but this case had been different right off the bat. Minsan ay nalilito na rin ako kung ano ang dapat sa hindi.

"No," sabi niya at mabilis na umiling. "Pero gusto niyang umattend."

"Papayag ka?" napaawang ang labi na tanong ko dahil alam niya kung ano ang mga sasabihin sa hearing tapos papayag siya na nandoon ang pamilya niya?

"If I'll have it my way, of course I didn't want her to go," sabi niya. "But I guess this is for the best. Para maniwala na siya na wala na talaga."

Muli akong napatungo. "She's still hoping for the marriage to work?"

"I did tell you that she's a devout Catholic."

Mapait akong ngumiti. "Right... And you're supposed to be her little Catholic boy."

Bahagya rin siyang natawa. "I believe that I am her greatest disappointment," sabi niya habang naiiling. I wanted to ask him about his brother, but chose not to. This wasn't the time. And I didn't think I have the right.

Muli siyang tumingin sa akin. "I've never known her to be hostile, but what do I know? I haven't seen her in a long time."

"Why does this sound like a warning?"

"She might blame you for the annulment."

"But... she does know that prior to this, wala tayong communication... right?" sabi ko sa kanya because I'd hate for people to think that I caused this annulment. Because even when I heard that he's getting married, I did nothing but get drunk and ask the universe what sin did I commit in my past life para pahirapan nila ako nang ganito.

"Yes."

"So, bakit ako pa rin ang sinisisi niya?"

"Gusto mo ba talagang sagutin ko 'yan?" diretsong sagot niya na naging dahilan ng pagawang ng labi ko.

Agad akong napaayos ng upo. "No," I said. "Please don't answer that."

Because I knew the answer.

Probably.

That he never really got over me the same way that I never really got over him.

It's still him.

It's probably going to be always him.

I just... I just got used to his absence, but I will always be reminded of how his presence felt like.

Tumayo ako dahil ubos ko na rin iyong inumin ko. Nagiwan ako ng bayad sa may counter. Tumingin ako kay Samuel at tipid na ngumiti.

"See you at the pre-trial," I said.

"See you," he replied with a small nod. "I can't wait for this to end."

"Same here."

"Try not to take what my family will say personally."

Natawa ako. "I will try."

"I apologize in advance."

"Apology accepted in advance," I said.

He gave me a small and almost sad smile. "See you at the pre-trial," he said like he needed me to go because for some reason, this simple conversation almost felt too painful. 

**

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