Hate me today
     Hate me tomorrow
     Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
     Hate me in ways
     Yeah ways hard to swallow
     Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Last night I dreamt of you. I usually do, and most of the time I dream of that day I walked out on you. The first times I had that dream it broke me down. I couldn't even leave the bed after such a dream, regretting every second and just wishing things were different. But every time it became more bearable until the ache from not having you subsided, allowing me see things as they properly were. Until I could see what I did objectively and appreciate the good deed I did.

Today I can have that dream without shedding a tear and with a smile on my face. I can recall that day and stay in one peace.

Do you remember how it happened? It's so clear in my mind and the dream never changes. It's always the exact picture of how it happened.

It was a cold day in winter and I had been waiting for you, at the edge of a breakdown, but convinced. I had finally accepted that what we had was more destructive than anything else, and we had to stop it before the two of us would end up broken to the point of no repair. Well, at leas you. I had reached that point long ago. But I could still save you.

When you walked in you looked so tired. I saw you with the eyes of someone who's never met you before and I saw what I was blind to before. I saw your extremely thin and fragile body that it seemed it would break with the next whisper of the wind. I saw your pale and lifeless skin, the way your bones tried to break free from under your skin. I saw the dark and large bags under your eyes that talked about endless sleepless nights and so much sorrow. I saw the tired and half dead smile. I saw the shadows in your eyes that had pushed away all the light at first saw.

I saw your walking corpse and that was the last push.

"We need to talk," I told you before you could even finish dropping your bag. "It's important," I added as if my voice didn't carry the weight of my words.

"What's wrong, babe?" you asked, your voice was already shaking. Maybe you felt it right then, what was yet to come.

I didn't know how to drop the bomb, how to introduce the topic or even approach it. I just had one sentence bouncing in the walls of my head, trying to get out and I was just trying to keep it inside.

"This needs to end," I finally blurted out and you froze. No expression showed up, you were like a statue and I knew then I had to explain things properly. "I'm killing you. This," I tried, waving my hands between the two of us, "is too toxic to carry on. I can't even recognise the person I met, you're half-dead. And I'm the one doing this to you. I'm slowly killing you and I can't keep doing that."
"Don't you love me anymore?" you asked and I laughed. I couldn't do anything else.

"I love you so much I feel like I'm ripping my own heart off of my chest."

"Then don't to do this. If it's for what I said the other day at the hospital forget it. I'll fix this. We can fix it together," she insisted but I shook my head.

"We've been trying for so long and it's not possible. We're beyond that point. I can't be fixed and if we don't stop, you'll end up like me. I can at least save you. Let me save you," I begged but then you were the one shaking your head, refusing to listen to my words.

I saw the first tears rolling down your cheeks, breaking my heart into more pieces. Million pieces.

"You can't do this. You can't leave me now. I love you, we're together. We've been through hell and we'll not be done now," you insisted stepping forward, taking my hands and looking me in the eye with such despair I almost fell to my knees.

"You don't deserve that. You never deserved to go through hell. I should've done this long ago but I was too selfish to think of you instead of me."

"I want to be with you!" you cried out. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because I'm trying to save you from me, don't you see? Can't you see the life you're leading since you met me? Is this even a life? Can't you see how every day I stray you further and further from your dream?" I ask you, shaking and breaking free from your grip. "I love you and I can't stand hurting you anymore."

"You're hurting me now!"

"But it's a necessary pain to stop the constant agony. This is for your own good and my own because I can't live with myself knowing what I'm doing to you," I insisted. "I can't live when I see the results of this love. I need you to be happy, to live."

"I'm happy with you." You stubborn girl, you couldn't even see what I was trying to do.

"No, you're not. You think you are, you convince yourself you are just to cope with all what I'm doing to you."

"Then stop hurting me! Stop all that and let's be happy."

"I can't," I confessed. "Even if I want, I can't stop. It's me, who I am is what is killing you. Something I can't change or control. Something that's stronger than me and unless I become stronger than the demons inside me, I can't be with you. Please, I beg of you, let me save you. Let me be honourable for once in my life. Please..."

By that point I was also crying and finally fell to my knees, begging you to let me be a man and protect the woman I love. I grabbed your hands and held them so tight, hoping you'd feel my sincerity.

"Hate me if necessary. Hate me for leaving you and for everything I did to you. For driving you to this point. Hate me for making you love a hopeless man. Hate me until you can move on. Hate me until you don't need to hate me anymore. Hate me until you're happy and you find yourself again. Hate for what I did to you and for the things I didn't do for you. Hate me... and let me go."

"I can't... I can't..." you cried, falling to your knees, too, taking my face in your hands, wiping the tears away.

"Please... I want you happy and alive. Bright and beautiful. I want you to be yourself and not a shadow." You closed your eyes and I knew I was getting to you, I just had to keep pushing. "Hate me until you see I'm right, that this is the best. Curse me out. Hit me if necessary. Just leave me behind and find your future and happiness, not with someone else but yourself. See what's good for you and don't let anyone else tear you apart. Live, for me, for this love that has broken us more than anything else."

"How am I supposed to hate you when I love you so much?" you asked and now I was the one cupping your face.

"You'll find it in you the moment I walk out that door," I smiled, heartbroken and resigned. "Use that hatred to give you strength to be happy again and once you realise you're are and have moved on, let me know. Tell me you're happy and I did the right thing. Nothing will make me happier than that, knowing I, for once, did a good thing for you. Please."

You couldn't reply, you broke down in tears and I gave you a last hug. I wiped away your tears and I even put my jacket on you before rising to my feet and grabbing the bag I had ready already. Whispering a last I love you and a plead to look for your happiness, I crossed that door and walked away.

The pieces of my heart fell with every step, but it also grew the determination that I had done the right thing even if it felt like the biggest mistake of my life.

By now I can firmly say I was right. Walking out on you was the best. I'm a better man now and I feel in my heart you're fine. I'm sure of it. It's been hard and painful, but it was for the best. And as if my hunch wasn't enough, today I've received a letter. I'm not sure how this reached me and how you found out, but it's now in my hands and it has your name on the addressee. And I know, before I even open it, that this is you telling me you're fine and happy again. That you finally see I was right and you don't even hate me anymore.

Here in my hands is the proof I did the right thing and why I don't regret my decision. This is my newfound happiness in the form of paper. The proof there's still some decent part in me and I'm not a complete monster. This is the proof that I finally learnt how to really love you, by setting you free. A dark cage was never the place for you. It took me a while to understand but it wasn't too late when I did. Now you're free, safe and happy. That's all I ever wanted.

Thank you for your letter, for letting me save you and show you my love in the only way that could make you justice. And thank you for ever loving me, despite my flaws and the demons I carried with me. Thank you for every second you gave me. Thank you for making me a better man today.

Thank you.
Yours truly.

~·~

This is how the story ends, back to the beginning (kind of) where he walked out on her. That's how it happened. I hope you enjoyed it, despite the sporadic updates. And if you'd like to read the prologue (which would he bet letter) let me know on the comments.

Thanks to anyone who read this story and commented and voted.

Bel, xx