Rating 2 1/2 stars **|
I'm sorry hon. I wish I could rate it higher...:(
What I liked: I liked Ajax's responsibility. I liked Paisley's character. She was like likable, but a little eccentric. It's a great starting point; you just need to change a few things. You have the premise for a great story. (; I liked how it began with a strike. I liked how she talked to the old man and how she liked old people. I did like the old man.
What I didn't like: Bad grammar. I'm sorry but it kind of gave me a headache when I read it. This is how you do dialogue:
"The cat looks sad," the girl whimpered.
Notice how's there a coma instead of a period. This is how you do questions:
"Can I ask you a question?" Miranda anxiously asked her crush. Notice how after the quotation mark- the next word isn't capitalized unless it's a name.
You need to make the beginning more captivating. Instead of just starting out with your sentence/dialogue-add that the secretary was anxiously waiting, how her voice sounded.  That it was indeed URGENT. I also didn't feel your characters were completely realistic.
For example: the dad yelling at his son in front of all those people- maybe if there was noise? But if he was a face of the company, he would have to act professionally and maybe yell at him later?  Also that he knew it was his brother's fault before he even knew about the strike. He knew and then he didn't know. Fix that.
Pointers: Fix grammar. Add description. And not just like the "blue bat".  Maybe have someone edit your work? Also know when to use your or you're. That was an error that I saw. Add more story. Go more in depth with your characters. You have to make your first chapter excellent! That way you'll attract more readers. Add more conflict.