The next day, the second-year students are in the Herbology greenhouses as Professor Sprout enters.

Professor Sprout: Morning, everyone. [taps the stand to get everyone's attention] Good morning, everyone.

Students: Good morning, Professor Sprout.

Professor Sprout: Welcome to Greenhouse Three, second year. Now, gather around, everyone. Today, we're going to report Mandrakes. Who here can tell me the properties of the Mandrake root? [Hermione raises her hand] Yes, Miss Granger.

Hermione: Mandrake, or Mandragora, is used to return those who have been petrified to their original state. It's also quite dangerous. The Mandrake's cry is fatal to anyone who hears it.

Professor Sprout: Excellent, ten points to Gryffindor! Now, as our Mandrakes are still only seedlings, their cries won't kill you yet, but they could knock you out for several hours, which is why I've given each of you a pair of earmuffs for auditory protection, so if you could please put them on right away.

The students start putting them on.

Professor Sprout: Quickly, flaps tight down.

They all have their earmuffs on.

Professor Sprout: Now, watch me closely. You grasp your Mandrake firmly, you pull it sharply up out of the pot.

She pulls up a plant, revealing a root that resembles a monstrous screaming baby. The students look alarmed.

Professor Sprout: Got it? And now you dunk it down into the other pot and pour a little sprinkling of soil to keep him warm.

Neville falls to the floor.

Professor Sprout: Longbottom's been neglecting his earmuffs.

Seamus: No, ma'am, he's just fainted.

Professor Sprout: Yes, well... just leave him there. Right, on we go. Plenty of pots to go around. Grasp your Mandrake and pull it up.

The students all do so. Draco plays with his Mandrake, causing it to bite his finger. Later that day, Nearly Headless Nick is floating down a Hogwarts corridor.

Student: There's Nearly Headless Nick.

Nick floats past Percy, who is walking next to a girl.

Nearly Headless Nick: Hello, Percy, Miss Clearwater. [doffs his head like a hat]

Percy: Hello, Sir Nicholas.

Nearly Headless Nick turns into the Great Hall. At the Gryffindor table, Ron is trying to tape his broken wand back together.

Ron: Say it, I'm doomed.

Harry and Matthew: You're doomed.

Just then, an eager young boy called Colin Creevey shows up.

Colin Creevey: Hi, Harry, Matthew! [snaps a photograph of the two] I'm Colin Creevey! I'm in Gryffindor too!

Harry: Hi, Colin, nice to meet you.

Colin Creevey: Say, do you think your friend here could take a photo of me and you standing together? You know, to prove I've met you. It's for my dad, he's a milkman, you know, a Muggle like all our family's been until me. No one knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic 'til we got that letter from Hogwarts! Everyone just thought I was mental.

Matthew: Imagine that.

Dean: Ron, is that your owl?

Errol flies into the Great Hall and crashes in front of Ron. The Slytherins all laugh.

Ron: Bloody bird's a menace.

Ron takes a red envelope from Errol. As the owl flies away, he looks at the envelope.

Ron: Oh, no!

Seamus: Look, everyone, Weasley's got himself a Howler.

Neville: Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my Gran once. It was horrible.

Matthew: What's a Howler?

Seamus: It's an enchanted letter that expresses the writer's emotions, usually in an angered voice.

Matthew: Really? How does it work?

Seamus: You're about to find out.

Ron tentatively opens the envelope.

Howler: [in Mrs. Weasley's voice] RONALD WEASLEY! [rearranges itself into a floating mouth] HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME! [turns to Ginny, also sitting at the table] Oh, and Ginny dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud. [sticks out its tongue at Ron and then tears itself up]

Matthew: Jeez, so that's how it works.

Neville: If it's ignored for too long, it'll burn up to ashes due to pent-up emotions.

Seamus: Hey, Matt. Here comes your owl.

It arrives and goes next to him as it too has a letter.

Matthew: Hope it's not a howler like you said.

Neville: It's a Howler.

Matthew: Oh dang it, well, let's see... [Nervously opens the letter]

Pansy: [mockingly] Go on, loser. Open it.

Matthew: [mumbles] Wish you have the howler. [Opens it]

It starts to form a mouth as it starts talking in a familiar voice.

Howler: [in Emilie's voice] MATTHEW CHARLES STUTLER!

Matthew: Uh-oh.

Ron: Guess she found you out...

The Howler rearranges itself into a floating mouth.

Howler: [in Emilie's voice] WHAT WAS THIS I HEARD ABOUT STEALING A CAR AND LATE FOR SCHOOL?! AND THERE BETTER NOT BE MORE TROUBLE WHEN YOU GET BACK, IF SO, YOU'LL BE IN BIG TROUBLE! UNDERSTAND?!

Matthew: [gulps] Y- Yes, ma'am.

The Howler tears itself apart. Matthew sighs as he can hear Pansy laughing while others feel sorry for him.

The students are seated in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, decorated with portraits of its owner: Gilderoy Lockhart; the door to the office opens and Lockhart walks out.

Lockhart: Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: me, Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner... of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. [smiles] But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at him.

He laughs at his joke, but no one else does. The girls in the class all seem starstruck by Lockhart while the boys just seem to be confused.

Matthew: I... Don't get it. [Slowly shakes his head] Don't get it.

Lockhart: I see you've all bought a complete set of my books, well done. Now, I thought we'd start today with... [gathers pieces of paper] ...a little quiz. [The students look worried as he steps forward to start passing them out.] Nothing to worry about, just... check how well you've read them.

Hermione: [as she takes a quiz from Lockhart] Thank you.

Lockhart: [as he passes quizzes to Harry, Matthew, and Ron] How much have you've, uh, taken in?

Harry, Matthew, and Ron look at their quizzes.

Ron: Look at these questions! They're all about him!

Harry: "What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?"

Matthew: "What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?"

Having finished passing out the quizzes, Lockhart returns to the front of the classroom.

Lockhart: You have thirty minutes. Start... now! [fade to later; Lockhart is now looking over their finished quizzes] Tut, tut, hardly any of you remembered that my favorite color is lilac. But Miss Hermione Granger knew that my secret ambition was to rid the world of evil and market my range of hair care potions. Good girl. [winks]

Lockhart suddenly pulls out his wand.

Lockhart: Now, be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind. [taps a covered-up cage, causing it to shake] You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. I must ask you not to scream, it might... PROVOKE THEM!

Lockhart pulls the cover off the cage, revealing small blue creatures with wings.

Seamus: Cornish Pixies?

Lockhart: Freshly caught Cornish Pixies. [Seamus laughes] Laugh if you will, Mr. Finnigan, but pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. Let's see what you make of them, now!

He lets the pixies out of their cage, and they immediately start swarming around the classroom, wreaking havoc.

Lockhart: Come on now, round them up, round them up! They're only pixies!

Two pixies grab Neville by his ears, hoist him up into the air, and then hang him on the chandelier.

Neville: Please, get me down!

Most of the students are now fleeing the classroom. One pixie is pulling on Hermione's hair.

Hermione: Get off me!

Harry: Stop, hold still! [smacks the pixie with a book]

Lockhart: [raising his wand] Peskipiksi Pesternomi!

No spell happens, and a pixie grabs Lockhart's wand from him. The pixie then uses the wand to break the chain holding up a dragon skeleton, causing it to crash to the floor. One pixie rides the skeleton as it falls.

Pixie: Yee-ha!

Matthew: These things are insane!

Pansy: [screaming] Get them off me, get them off me, get them off me!

Matthew swats a few off of her.

Matthew: Who's else's idea to have these for Hogwarts!?

Lockhart runs back towards his office. He tries and fails to prevent the pixies from carrying off one of his pictures of himself. He then turns to Harry, Ron, Matthew, Pansy, and Hermione, who are the only students left at this point.

Lockhart: I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage. [ducks into his office]

Ron: What do we do now?

Matthew: I got an idea!

Pansy: It better work, Stutler!

Matthew: [takes out his wand] Somnus!

The pixies slowly stop their mischief mayhem as they fall, sleeping.

Neville: [still hanging from the chandelier] Why is it always me?

Matthew: Yes! Problem solved! And I messed up this time.

Hermione: Uh, Matthew.[points at Lockhart who's under a sleep spell]

Matthew: Oops.

Pansy: You're an utter idiot.

Matthew: I just save our butts from these gremlins, at least a simple thank you would be nice.

Pansy: [grabs her wand] Oh, I'll thank you alright![chases him] Get back here, so I'll blow you to pieces!

Matthew: [quickly runs away from her] Ah! Get away from me! She lost her mind!

End of Chapter 14