Chapter 2- Harry gets fricked by God himself

The next day was Thursday. It was time for his hearing at the ministry shithole, it was to take place in courtroom number 11, never used before but only 

Mr Weasley strutted over to Harry. "Time for your hearing, big boy!" He ejaculated with passion,

"But Mr Weasley, how will we get there? The tube is closed."

Arthur looked pensive. Sirius strolled in "Hey dumb nuts, I'm a freaking dog just arrive in style… on a dog"

"No you twat" Harry and Arthur screamed simultaneously.

"The ministry are after you already, you don't want them after you because you broke lockdown as well!"

Mad-Eye appeared again, carrying 50 bottles of Purell hand sanitiser, 25 100ml bottles, 25 1l bottles and two 40 packs of toilet roll. "Harry will be using a portkey. The portkey will be a Dettol wipe because he apparently has corona."

Harry used his portkey with Arthur and they went into the ministry. It was huge and stocked from floor to ceiling with toilet paper, the statues had been removed and replaced with toilet paper packs, waterproof and anti-theft charms had been casted on them of course, to make them seem much more bougie than they are. So that's why all the ASDA’s in a four and a half-mile radius had sold out. Harry thought wizards just vanished their poo-poo but no they had wanted to stockpile the loo roll. The loo roll was 37 times the worth of the pound at the moment and the only way it was going up on the stock market.

Harry continued through the ministry. "Ah Potter, under precautionary corona measures you must submit to testing" Crouch's ghost announced with passion.

Harry was alarmed. One, he was scared of Crouch Jr, his ex-boyfriend. Two, he knew he had corona. Potter submitted to testing and he… didn't have corona? How did Dudley and Snape get it without Harry having it? Weird. Harry continued to the courtrooms, Mr Weasley walking with his arm around his waist. On his way, Harry snuck a toilet roll under his shirt.

Harry reached the courtroom

"Oh frick no" he sobbed, observing the many witches and wizards observing him.

"Language *cough* Potter!" A toadlike woman shrieked. "This *cough* is a corona *cough* free zone!! Swearing *cough* spreads corona, don't *cough* you know!"

"Begone thot" Arthur shouted, grabbing a cross and holding it forwards like an exorcism. The toad shut her gob after emitting a hiss.

"Mr Potter, you stand on trial for going on two jogs, when only one form of exercise is mandated per day, leading to your cousin catching corona off the magnificent, sexy and charismatic Nigel Garage"
Fudge began his long droning speech which could be summarised in like one sentence but he didn’t.
"Farage had been social distancing until your disregard for the rules forced him into a position closer than 2 meters to a muggle. Now they have corona. Thanks a lot, you bellend"

"But-!" Harry began 

"Oh *cough* dear!" The toad said shrilly
No one in the courtroom really cared or knew who Umbridge was, but she had corona.

"I was only doing it because Dudley shoved me into the window 25 times!"

A resounding gasp (cough) of shock echoed through the courtroom.

"Mr Potter," began Amelia Bones, "this is a very serious accusation. Can you prove it"

"Yes"

Harry showed her his arm and legs which was sunburned from the window. They were blistering and peeling away, nothing a growing teen should be subject to.

"Oh bloody hell" Fudge murmured "indeedy, you don't have corona your innocent and all the posh talk, now please as the teens say it frick off"

Harry left the courtroom joyfully and ran into Dumbledore 
"Hey old fart"
The toilet roll fell to the floor
"Oh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-"
Wheezing by dumbledore and multiple gasps by onlookers
“Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit”

“Mum, Dumbledore swore that means I’m allowed” shrieked a little child somewhere.