Never had I been madder at Jake's phone-off habit the two days before a game. On the road at BYU, short of calling whatever hotel he stayed at, I had no idea how to reach him and talk to him about Sarah Burke.

Fuck, Ethan's sister.

No wonder he hates Jake. I'd hate him too for that.

At Kieran's request, I stayed close-lipped about Sarah being Ethan's sister. Gossip wasn't an actual emergency but the sensation of an awful secret burned into me, especially since it potentially affected Jake at the worst time during the regular season. For half of Sunday I debated whether I told him or held onto the information until after his season ended.

I'd want to know and would be pissed if he knew something like this and didn't tell me.

But I'm not such an idiot that my past fucks resurface like the mold Li keeps bleaching out of the corners of our shower.

Probably best he hears it from someone who - oh fuck!! Not that again.

Finally, after enough internal debate that Li probably thought I had multiple personality disorder, I realized Jake deserved to know the truth.

Especially if his next game is against Ethan's team.

The weekend after Thanksgiving, where USC easily won over BYU then their return flight was promptly canceled because of snow, felt like the longest one of my life. Time dragged by no matter how busy I made myself.

Li and I watched the USC game on Friday, where I smiled like an idiot whenever the camera honed in on number seven, and we went to the UCLA game against Arizona on Saturday. Shoulder to shoulder with Li, we sat in the upper corner of one of the lower levels in the Rose Bowl stadium. While the four-hour diversion was nice, I felt like an outsider during the entire game.

Can't say the WAGs are any more welcoming here either.

After UCLA won over Arizona, Li dragged me to the last place I wanted to go on Saturday night, Kieran's after party. While she dolled herself up and I helped with her makeup, I dressed down in a pair of jeans and Li's UCLA shirt, which I'd worn to the game. My makeup was minimal and fresh and I would've happily blended myself into Kieran's apartment's walls if I could have.

Twenty minutes after we left our dorm, Li and I walked up to Kieran's two-story apartment building. I'd never been to his place but the gated entrance, visitor's list access, and call box showed his parents had set him up well.

A smile curled up my lips when Li bounced up to Kieran and he kissed her hard, right in the entryway door. After a few coughs from me later, they detached for oxygen. Both their cheeks were flushed pink and fucking stars hung in their eyes.

I might be sick and haven't even drank anything yet.

Kieran pulled his arm around Li's shoulders and threw me a lazy grin. "Harper, didn't know you were coming tonight."

"Looking for a diversion." My shoulders lifted an inch. "Either thank or curse your girlfriend for me being here."

"I heard USC got delayed coming back." In appreciation for his sympathy, I offered a curt nod. He cleared his throat and pressed the elevator's second floor button. "Listen, Harper... uhh, about Thanksgiving..."

"Like any family holiday, it was awkward as fuck for all of us." My shoulder hit one of the stainless steel walls that hummed and shook. I looked up at his faded and distorted reflection in it. "But stop projecting your butthurt about Jake on me."

"I am sorry." The last person responsible tipped her chin down. I was glad when Kieran lifted it and shook his head.

"No, I am." The conviction in his voice stretched my eyes wider. "I fucked up yesterday, especially with how I talked about my feelings for you in front of your family."

Oh fuck, not his love confession too. Where's my crowbar when I need it?

As the doors opened and I stepped out, I must have worn a panicked look because Li smiled and tugged on Kieran's shirt sleeve. He snapped his mouth closed, then leaned over. She cupped her hand around his ear and spoke into it, then he nodded and grinned at me with fucking sparkles in his eyes.

Why am I even here tonight?

"Come on in." He opened an apartment door for us, and I was relieved that only about ten people mingled inside.

Kieran's apartment was nice, with big windows, blonde wood floors, and a small but open kitchen. He didn't have much in terms of decorating but a giant, brown leather sofa faced a television hung on the wall.

Understandably, with a gathering this small, all eyes shifted towards us. My shoulders relaxed when most people politely returned our smiles, then went back to their conversations.

"Harper, there's someone I want you to meet." Li's dark eyes flipped over at me.

I couldn't gauge the intent behind that look, so I just sighed. "Fine, as long as it's not a guy."

"Sorry." Her lips pulled into a smile. "But it's Logan's friend, Josh Allen."

"Another football guy?" My head shook back and forth at a name I vaguely recognized but wasn't sure where and couldn't have cared less about another Bruins' football player. I was lucky I hadn't thrown up my popcorn while Ethan Burke played. "No thanks."

Li's smile widened. "Nothing romantic, just thought you might want to meet someone nice on the team."

"Li -" I groaned and dragged my hands through my hair. Honestly, a chemical peel mask in our room seemed like a better time.

"He's got a girlfriend." She reached out and squeezed my arm. "She seems like one of the nicer ones too."

"Li -" I started again because she also held that opinion of me.

She giggled quietly. "I could see if Ethan's coming?"

While I doubted Li knew the entire backstory, she'd obviously noticed the many, many middle fingers I'd flipped off to UCLA's quarterback today. For the record, that gesture held completely different sentiments than when I did that to Jake. Kieran's slight head shake over her head verified she didn't know, but poor Li didn't have a malicious bone in her entire tiny body.

"Where's Josh?" My eyes shifted around the room.

She pointed to a tall, broad-shoulder guy with sandy brown hair and surprisingly kind-looking brown eyes. He sat on the sofa with one arm casually draped around the shoulders of a blonde with crystal-blue eyes who was absolutely gorgeous except for her gigantic scowl.

Probably how I look right now.

"Who's the sour puss?" I whispered into Li's ear as we walked closer.

"Ava." She turned back to me with a slightly wrinkled nose. "They're kinda on and off."

"Is that -" My eyes pointed at her scowl. "On or off?"

"That's him being on and her being off," she replied like that made any sense. Neither did the look Kieran threw me that clearly read, 'Don't ask.'

"Fabulous," I mumbled as she tugged me closer to the apparently unhappy couple.

Like I need another reminder how relationships are a bad idea.

"Josh?" Li's sweet voice chirped out.

His head and Ava's, along with a guy they talked to, flipped in our direction. Third wheel was obviously another football player, based on his height, muscular build, and cocky, shit-eating grin spread across his face. To absolutely zero surprise, his brown eyes looked up and shamelessly raked over me.

It's like they think it's a compliment when they look at girls like their next meal. Wonder if he knows all I'll give him is IBS.

"Harper, this is Josh, his... girl Ava," Kieran introduced us. "And this is Dylan, he and Josh are both wide receivers."

"Hi." I gave an awkward, elbow-length wave.

"Harper, huh?" Dylan's dark brown-haired head cocked sideways as his mouth pulled into a toothy grin. I didn't even try to fight the urge to roll my eyes and ignored him.

"Ava?" The girl now looked like she just wanted me to get the fuck away from them, which I more than happily obliged with. "My roommate here wanted to introduce us."

"Why." Ava's eyes darkened two shades. Josh frowned, then his hand squeezed her shoulder.

"Trust me Ava, if you knew my history..." I glanced at Kieran, who bit back a smile. "Then you'll know there's nothing less attractive to me than a football player. I'll happily reference Josh as Ava's bitch if you'd like."

"Works for me," she mumbled without any change in her expression.

"Ellie Harrison is my best friend," I filled in the Kevin Bacon blanks, which drew a smile across Josh's face.

"Not attractive, hmm?" Dylan took too much interest in this forced conversation and stood up next to me. "Sounds like a challenge."

Kieran elbowed him. "You have no idea bro. Better step back while your balls are intact."

"Thankfully, for Mister playing with his hand tonight." I didn't even look at Dylan, as my eyes stayed fixated on Li. "I have zero interest in his balls, and actually think I'm going to get going because I'm sure I have hair somewhere on my body I could self-wax off."

"Nice to meet you, Harper." Josh gave an awkward hand wave.

I shifted my eyes towards Li. "I'm calling it a night."

No more football players. I can't even handle the one that I -

With my chin tucked down, I quickly said my goodbyes and headed out the front door. Pathetically, I pulled my phone out for any messages from Jake while I waited on the elevator.

Even more pathetic was how disappointed I felt when I saw none.

Sunday morning, the buzz on my phone, which I'd slipped under my pillow for some reason, woke me up. After a few grumbled 'I'm not ready'-type curse words, my hand flopped around my bed for it.

With a grunt, I rolled onto my back and studied my screen overhead.

dickhead: Flights still snowed out. Team is busing us to Las Vegas, then flying to LAX.

me: Vegas, huh? Don't do anything stupid, like marry Griff.

dickhead: 😂 Fuck no.
dickhead: miss you, firecracker

I blinked and blinked at his last three words. My lips twisted into a smile so big that my cheeks felt pinched, a strange warm, glowy feeling filled my chest, and my stomach must've been hungry because it felt twisted and pulled with tension.

me: Yours wouldn't be the ugliest face to sit on right now.

"Stop being cute," Li groaned over from her bed, where she side-faced and smiled at me from inside the blanket burrito she'd rolled herself into. Her words dissolved my smile.

me: Really need to talk when you're back.
me: And don't like, plummet off the edge of a mountain. I need your 🍆.

I flung my head back into my pillow at those last words.

Oh fuck, did I really type that?

I did. Walk away from the phone, fingers.

My eyes fluttered closed and I groaned quietly. Jake's response couldn't have helped less against whatever personal freak-out sensations I'd experienced since Thanksgiving.

dickhead: It's yours, firecracker.

I shut off my phone, tucked it under my pillow, then laid down on my stomach so that I squished those damn flutters. Since eight was too early for me to be functional, I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the small sparks of excitement that pulled a smile across my lips that Jake had texted me this morning.

He's probably just bored.

Still, his last three words echoed through my mind as I curled up under my blankets and went back to sleep.

By the time I dragged my ass out of bed after eleven, I hadn't gotten any more messages from Jake. Li was up, for a while based on the open books on her desk. However, she sat on her bed, where she quietly hung up two more of Meade's posters.

For most of today, we studied, finished our assignments, did laundry, and cleaned until all the room's surfaces shone. At my lowest point, we moved all of her Jake posters onto my walls.

All of them.

I smiled while I put them up.

Fuck me.

While I rarely used my dildos solo anymore, I still cleaned and disinfected them. Lined up on the drying towel on my desk, I ran my fingertips over the ridged glass suction cup details on the replacement tentacle one Jake got me. My lips pulled into that damn smile that pinched my cheeks.

Fuck, what is wrong with me!?

For a much-needed distraction, I had a video call with Dad, who I was excited to see me on Thursday for Parent's Week, and an extremely boring call with Ellie because we only talked about Thanksgiving food. Jake's mom texted me while she was Black Friday shopping about a possible repeat shopping and lunch trip before the UCLA/USC game.

And, once I decided I needed to tell Jake about Sarah, like an absolute stalker, I spammed Jake's phone with messages.

me: Text me when you're back.

me: Really need to talk to you.

me: It's important.

me: Sorry for all the messages. Call me when you can.

I even shot up a few desperate eggplants, not for the obvious reasons but just so he saw them.

me: 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

Maybe more than a few. I'm a bit... fucked up in my head right now.

I need some fresh air.

Since my phone battery flashed two percent, I plugged it in and turned to Li. "I'm going to take a walk, probably through the Botanical Gardens."

"Sure about that?" Li pointed out our back wall of windows. One quick look at the rain that poured down slumped my shoulders.

So much for that idea.

"New plan." I inhaled slowly and flared my nostrils slightly on the exhale. "I'm going to swim some laps. Wanna come?"

She paused, then shook her head. "I was thinking of seeing if Kieran wanted -"

"A different kind of coming," I teased her with a wink. "As long as it's in a condom, Li. And not in my bed."

Truthfully, I wanted to know nothing about that side of Li and Kieran's relationship. In my mind, they just put Jake's new, weird cuddling obsession to shame.

"Harper!!" she shrieked out shrilly and hurled one of her bed pillows at me. "So inappropriate!"

I caught her pillow easily with a laugh that bounced my shoulders. She threw another one at me while I packed my swim bag. While my hands went through the motions that grabbed a clean set of clothes for afterwards, I paused and smoothed over my chosen black lace bra and underwear set.

Jake needs to get back, sooner than later.

For a longer amount of time than I was aware of, I blinked down at the clothes nestled under my bathing suit and towel. Just a pair of leggings, an oversized sweatshirt, and socks but folded into a pile, but altogether they looked like...

One toothbrush short of an overnight stay.

Only a third pillow thunked against the side of my head, followed by a fit of giggles that erupted from Li's side of the room, drew my attention off my packed bag.

"Couldn't resist," she teased from behind her hand cupped over her mouth.

"See you later." I zipped up my bag with a flick of my wrist. "If you're banging Meade when I come back then hang a sock or bra on the door handle."

I'd only just made it out of the door when a fourth pillow softly hit the door right before I closed it, followed by my quiet laugh that echoed down the hallway.

After Li and I first ran into Kieran, I'd purchased a quarterly UCLA rec pass and switched my lap workouts to the Spieker Aquatic Center. After a quick, diagonal cut-through walk past the triangular block of Sunset Village, I hooked around a set of tennis courts to the pool used by UCLA's swim team.

The outdoor pool had elevated diving platforms, two pool sides with nine lap lanes each, and metal bleachers on opposite sides of the pool. Overhead, yellow and blue triangular flags hung down straight, heavy from the rain. Even the celebrated wall of UCLA Olympians looked soaking wet.

By the sparse number of swimmers, the rain had chased away most people. It slowed down to an annoying, humidity-driven mist by the time I arrived and the front desk staff assured me I was fine unless lightning appeared.

Either that, or everyone's still recovering from midterms.

My one-class workload was different. Sure, I had class five days a week, three hours a day in a boring lecture hall that left my hand cramped, ass cheeks numb, and each dismissal felt like a prison release. With five exams equally spaced throughout the five months, I'd so far earned a respectable 86 percent through the first three. After the last two exams, we faced a three-hour certification exam at the end of January.

Who knows after that. I sure don't at this point.

I hadn't made any long-term plans past getting my certification. The LA-based attorney ads on our bulletin board still tempted me, but so had the School of Law's Bachelor's program. UCLA accepted all of my transferred-in Cabrillo credits so I wouldn't have had to completely start over.

While the paralegal certification was good anywhere in California, the Bachelor's was more of an ego degree.

No one could take that away from me, no matter how far away I go.

As I dropped my towel near my reserved lane number, I realized I envied Jake for his solid plan and how he'd never deviated from it. He maximized his USC football exposure and development, minimized his academic burdens, and placed himself in a different year's draft than his PAC-12 rival.

With the exception of a few faint splashes from some other lap swimmers, the pool area was quiet. I dipped my legs knee-deep into the cool water and wiggled my toes against the shock. With a soft snap, I secured my hair under my swim cap, strapped on my goggles, and pushed off.

The water chilled my skin with needle-like pricks but I plunged my shoulders under with a slight gasp. Within half a lap, my muscles relaxed and warmed. Stroke for stroke, tension squeezed out of my neck as I twisted it and glided my body weightlessly forwards.

My swim skill level placed me at 'good enough for lifeguard,' but my lack of focus and zero competitive edge led me to swim whenever I needed a distraction, physically or mentally. It was low enough impact that my flotation devices hadn't interfered, at least not in the razorback one-piece I strapped them down with.

A ninety-minute session of swim laps was exactly what my mind and body needed, even though the pads of my fingers and toes resembled raisins afterwards. My shoulders ached as I hoisted my ass onto the side of the pool with a soft, wet plop, but my earlier restlessness had dissipated.

As I rinsed off the chlorinated water and scrubbed my skin quickly with body wash in the locker room showers, my loose muscles warmed. Soft clicks of my flip-flops snapped under my feet as I walked to my bag and rubbed myself dry with my towel.

My blonde hair softly tumbled down to my shoulders as I released my swim cap, then gathered it in a high ponytail to fix after I'd dressed. I'd gotten as far as my underwear and bra on when the door burst open and the sound of multiple footsteps entered, then abruptly stopped.

"Oh, it's... you," a flat voice spoke out to me.

I turned my head in its direction, near the locker room's entrance. My eyes rolled at the sight of three girls, one with tanned skin and black hair I didn't recognize, a short, dick-desperate blonde that I wished I hadn't, and a third with recently touched up blonde extensions and more silicon in her than a dildo-making factory.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

My eyes shifted between these unlikely Three Bimbo Stooges, who stood with their arms crossed and hips slightly jutted out. The black-haired girl only gave me a bored, impassive look and pulled out her phone. Within one breath, she was mesmerized and smiled down at her own personal conversation.

"Emily," I spat out, in a flatter voice because I was past the point of zero fucks given towards that girl.

Why is she here though? I thought she went to USC.

And how is she sharing a brain cell with Bambi?

I narrowed my eyes into thin slits when hers dragged over my lingerie-clad appearance, then her lips curled upwards. "Wearing that shit to impress him still won't keep his attention any longer, Harper."

Before I answered, Brittany giggled. "It's cute." Brittany giggled quietly, then silenced them with a glare from Emily. "What? It is. Are those from -"

"Fredericks," I clipped in a tight voice, crossed my arms under my breasts, and pushed up higher. "What bothers you more, Emily? That I still have Jake's attention or the fact I'm heading over there so he can rip these off me?"

With my own smirk, I pinched my upper arms with my fingers and enjoyed the irritation that flashed through Emily's eyes. Her smirk faltered and she pressed her lips into a tight line, but I'd only just started.

While I had no desire that I stepped into her personal space or intimidated her because in my mind she wasn't anywhere close to being on the same playing field as me, I still stood my defensive ground. Confidence relaxed my shoulders, lifted my chin, and chilled my voice, "Jake might be too nice to put you in your friend-zoned place but I'm not. If I ever find you in my boyfriend's room again, without his consent, then I'll make sure your pathetic ass isn't allowed within fifty yards of the entire house."

Heat burned inside me the more riled up I felt, but I flicked my eyes over to Brittany. "And you, Floatation Devices. I don't know what game you're playing, coming between two long-time friends, but you've already lost."

"No, you'll lose," Emily retorted indignantly weakly.

My eyes rolled up to the ceiling. "If you mean lose my voice screaming so loud while Jake's fucking me senseless, I'll make sure of it."

Since I couldn't not comment at the spectator who looked over her phone screen at me, I added, "For your sake, I hope you develop better taste in friends."

While I turned my back and dressed, I felt the weight of her eyes on me. Their shared whispers, even as they walked past me to a further away set of lockers, hit my ears like snakes hissing. My teeth clamped down tighter but I refused any further engagement.

The gray clouds that hung in the early evening sky reflected my soured mood and I tracked my steps around a few remnants of puddles on the sidewalks. My Spidey senses tingled over whatever connection Jake's ex and currently dick hunter had. Even though I left with my head high, I couldn't not pretend that my relaxed mood had been shot to shit.

Guess I'll just have to fuck it -

My bad mood hung with me as I stomped up the stairs, all the way back to my dorm room. All I wanted was I dropped my wet swim stuff off, grabbed my phone, then drove over to Jake's.

Right when my key hit room 308's door lock, the cruel bitch known as fate exercised her own ideas. Her lady balls flexed in the form of a feminine, oddly familiar voice that called out to me within the hallway.

"Harper!"

My eyes shifted sideways, in the voice's direction. While my feet stood still, they rooted to the spot in front of my doorway like my arches collapsed. The rest of me caught up quickly and I swore all my bodily functions crashed to a complete halt.

With every step she took closer, pain struck into the center of my chest. My heart wrenched itself into a panicked, rapid beat like it wanted to burst. The keys I held in my hand hit the floor with a soft clink of crashed metal. A sob bubbled up the back of my throat and I gagged on a combination of it, empty air, and my own saliva.

Dryness coated my tongue from how long my lips stayed parted open, the empty taste of bitterness and disappointment. My heart clenched again and I palmed my chest. Both my shoulders rolled inward and my stomach gurgled with nausea.

My world is upside down.

And I'll never flip it back upright again.

Once the stillness that clamped control of my body released me from its trap, I shook with uncontrollable vibrations that erupted spontaneously. Heat rose up from under my skin, like my veins were pumped full of lava. My thoughts scattered and my breath burned in my lungs like stale air. Sharp stings erupted into my palms and a quick glance down showed my nails pierced crescent shapes into the skin.

At whatever the fuck my face looked like, her bounced steps slowed and relaxed smile dissolved. I took advantage of my weakened knees and scooped up my keys.

Need these to stab her in the eyes with.

"Harper," she repeated with a lot more uncertainty in her voice.

Like the first frost of winter, a silent chill crystalized around my heart and I swore it missed a beat. My eyes stayed just as frozen at her well-put together appearance. Her shoulder-length hair was as straight as I remembered, yet the blonde color was dulled by interspersed strands of gray.

A pair of fitted, tan khakis clung to her long, thin legs, topped with a light pink collared shirt. Black sunglasses perched on the top of her head and swept her center-parted hair behind her ears. With her shoulders drawn down, straight spine, and high lifted chin, she looked flawless, polished, even chic.

And I hated her for it.

I hated that she looked normal, unbothered, not a hair out of place or spec of dust blemished her appearance. Selfishly, I wanted her to be a disheveled mess, traced with signs of ten years' worth of sleepless nights, wrought with guilt after she abandoned her family.

Most of all, I hated myself for allowing her presence to have any effect on me.

Truth fucking hurts like a bitch.

The only flicker of emotion she showed was the uncertainty that hung in the same light, bright, sky-blue irises I saw in my own reflection. Our only difference was that time had etched soft lines in the corners of hers.

Each letter sound burned on my tongue as I gritted out her name between my teeth, "Vanessa." The woman didn't deserve the proper title, not from me at least. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

She flinched, like I'd struck her, the exact effect I hoped for... not that I felt any better.

"That's pretty harsh." Her icy-blue gaze hardened on me. "But I suppose from your perspective, I deserve that."

"Don't pretend to understand anything about my perspective," I retorted and stepped back. Her presence here unnerved me, like I'd been sprung onto a hidden camera show. "You gave up that privilege, you selfish, cold-hearted bitch."

Her full, painted lips parted and her cheeks paled, then flushed pink. Her eyes brightened a slight tint of aqua as they flashed. "Your father warned me you had a biting tongue but I will not stand here -"

"Then do us both a favor and fucking leave!" My voice echoed off the hallway walls from how loudly I screamed at her and my hands wrenched around the strap on my shoulder. Her stupidly perfect figure blurred under the hot tears that welled up in my eyes. "Because I sure didn't fucking invite you into my life!"

Before she answered, I realized she wasn't worth the effort. Arguing meant caring and that's the last emotion I felt about her.

"Look, it's important." Cool fingers, topped with beautifully French-manicured nails, brushed over my right forearm, then tugged it gently. "Harper, stop."

At her touch, my skin crawled uncomfortably with goosebumps and I fought the urge that I scratched them off with my own fingernails. My shoulders shot up to my ears and spine recoiled like I'd been burned.

I ripped my arm out of her grasp right when she started, "I came here to -"

"You can go right back for all I care." My lips curled upwards into what I hoped looked like a menacing enough sneer as I stepped around her and marched away angrily. "And don't fucking follow me!"

Her voice, hauntingly familiar, called behind me and bounced off the hallway and stair walls. I flung myself down them as fast as my feet moved and miraculously hadn't broken my neck in the process. Each cement step blurred more than the previous one.

Don't let her see my tears.

I stumbled a few steps over my own feet and walked as quickly as I could get away from her. One minute turned into five, then ten, then twenty. Before long, I stood outside my car, parked in front of the only house I knew to flee towards.

My fingers shook so many times that I missed the front door keyhole eight times. Finally, I tugged on the doorknob and groaned quietly when it was unlocked. The distinctive manstink smell of sweat, body odor, cologne, and deodorant actually soothed me upon entry. As quickly as I slammed the front door behind me, the living room blurred and faces became nameless while I tore up the stairs.

Hot tears splashed over my cheeks as I stumbled up the first two flights. I wiped them away with one hand while the other's palm clenched onto the worn, smooth wood of the railing. Two floors left became one and ragged breaths burned my throat when I rounded the top level hallway.

My hand shook as my knuckle rapped weakly onto his door, which opened and revealed a pair of dark brown eyes. They warmed at first, then flooded with concern before Jake reached out and pulled me right into his arms.

Never an emotional person, I felt more than I counted that moment and was in control of none. My body crumpled against his hard chest, I curled my fingers into the fabric of his shirt, and unfamiliar sounds rushed out of my mouth.

The details of Jake's room blurred as my body shook uncontrollably. My lips trembled as I desperately rasped out my request.

"Fuck it out me."