"Harper, you don't need those..." The arrogance in Jake's voice, possibly mixed with a slight amount of guilt, evaporated outside the dumpster. I drowned it out by the way my fist pounded right where I imagined his stupid face stood on the other side.

I can't believe he threw my dildos in here!

My calves strained as I lifted onto my tiptoes and pressed all ten fingers into the dumpster's cold, slightly rusted edge. The hairs on the back of my neck raised as I peered over the edge at Jake with my best venomous eye daggers. With one upward lift of his chin, his mouth parted open as he looked up at me. His eyes were round, wide, and full of a guilt he completely deserved.

While my heart thumped loudly in my chest, my voice came out chilly, even toned, and perfectly matched for a serial killer. "Asshole, you just signed his own death certificate," I promised him, then shook my head. "No, just your balls. You should run because once I get out of here, I will harvest those avocados, cremate them into carbon dust, then make you choke to death on it."

Jake's reply died in my ears as I pushed off with a grunt. My feet planted on a solid surface but shifted, so I steadied my hand on the equally as cold metal dumpster wall. From where I stood, I balanced on a flattened cardboard box but it crunched under my weight and a nearby stash of discarded pornos and cracked monitor screen shifted in my direction.

Sex-starved Fuck-sluts Number twenty-two: Stinky White Women.

I'd break my screen too if I watched that.

Despite the fact I was ankle-deep in trash and sunk the more I stood here, a smile flinched on my lips and I nudged the porn stash over with my toe. "Aww, come on, no Edward Penishands? Oh... fuck. There it is."

My hand curled around a plastic DVD case that had a scary likeliness factor to the original movie, then I hurled it over the edge at Jake. With my blind aim, I probably missed Jake but still, the principle held.

Jake sounded less than amused, "Harper -"

"Shut the fuck up!!" I yelled out and banged my fist hard, painfully hard, against the dumpster wall. "Enjoy your last breaths of life and kiss your gonads goodbye, asshole!"

My feet planted down on a mushy trash bag that none of me wanted to know the contents inside. An absolutely disgusting, musty smell of expired food and trash hung around me in a sea of trash bags and discarded items.

Safe to say my shoes will be in here, along with Jake's ass, after I get out.

No, ass and balls.

I paused my visual inspection and barked out a small laugh at a familiar, white porcelain-shaped object.

A toilet? Never mind, I don't want to know.

With my palm still braced on the metal dumpster side, my other hand palmed my forehead. My eyes shifted around and I groaned because my dildos hadn't fallen into one neat pile. Since Jake hadn't dropped the box intact, my multicolored friends looked scattered and hopelessly abandoned among layers of trash.

I'm here now. Rescue mission, hang on team.

"I think most are okay," I mumbled more to myself, picked up the nearest one, and breathed a small sigh of relief.

Thankfully, HNV had landed on a sealed, white paper food bag with an easily recognizable logo to any college student.

He'll be fine after a good sterilization, as long as whoever recently ate Taco Bell had clean enough hands.

With a long, unsteady step, my right foot sunk lower. I ignored the quicksand-like sensations that swallowed my foot and ankle, leaned over, and retrieved the next closest one, my Tentickle.

"Nothing a little sterilization won't also fix... I hope." Near an open and empty box of condoms, I caught sight of my blueish-green dildo shaped like a hentai octopus tentacle.

The ridged cups on the sides vibrated, at least they used to, for g-spot stimulation. My mouth gaped and I dropped it like it was on fire when I noticed that a used, and not tied off, condom stuck to its underside. "Fuck, that's nasty."

Oh, that's disgusting. Hard pass, even for me.

My throat squeezed in on itself and my hand fisted at my mouth. Tears welled up in my eyes, I gagged, and nearly dry heaved. My stomach lurched and I hunched over but thankfully my dinner stayed in place. Once the tears that blurred the dumpster's interior receded, I looked at the discarded dildo and whispered softly. "Rest in peace, Tickles."

"Are you stuck, Harper?" Two brown, dumbfounded eyes peered over the dumpster's edge and down at me. Jake's voice was now equal parts shock and guilt, "You-you're literally dumpster diving."

I ignored the soon-to-be dead douchebag completely, other than the middle finger I flashed in his stupid face and pushed into his forehead until his soon-to-be-dead face out of view. With a slow, deep sign, my eyes roamed around and took a dildo inventory.

Rainbow Brite, my multicolored, light-up option was fine from where she was perched on top of a pair of gray, ratty-looking shoes. IceMan was nowhere to be seen since he probably sank due to his weight. My eyes lit up at a small pile of seven phallic friends, clustered together inside an abandoned car tire like the last holdouts in a zombie apocalypse.

I was so happy I saw them unfazed that I ignored the question of why a single tire had been tossed in the trash dumpster to begin with. The temporary surge of joy was short-lived when I realized my tangible dildo stash had been reduced down to just eight.

Fuck you, natural selection.

"Harper, you can't be seriously thinking of -" I shut up Jake's pathetic deterrence off my radar when I spun around, flung my arm out, and slapped his stupid face with HNV.

The soft smack sound of rubber against Jake's left cheek wasn't as satisfying as his shocked reaction. His mouth dropped open, eyes bugged wide, and head jerked back. A faint pink circle raised on the contact spot, which he touched with the pads of his one hand's fingers.

"You!" I screeched out and pointed HNV at him like a gun. The large and veiny shaft bobbed a few times and the tip twitched near Jake's nose. "How could you!?"

"Fuck, Harper -" he started in a surprised voice and palmed his cheek.

"Not tonight!" I screamed so loudly my voice cracked.

While he deserved my Tentickle and the condom attached to it tossed in his face, there was no way I touched that fucker again. With a far reach over, I leaned over and grabbed the small tire stash. Once clutched against my chest, I hurled them one by one at Jake's stupid, stupid, stupid face.

More satisfaction than what was healthy rose in me when I struck Jake square in the forehead with Rainbow Brite, then another direct hit with my second option. Unfortunately, it was a little mushy, white, silicon model, but the small squeak from it's smacked contact between his eyes inspired me enough that I threw another one at him.

"Hey!" Jake held up his hands and ducked but my third one, a heavy, previously shiny, and metal fucker, struck his shoulder. "Calm down -"

"You!" I chucked a bright one that buzzed softly at the base of his throat. My voice seethed with the broken words I also hurled at him, "You fucking, stupid, cocky, ass... clown!"

With a satisfying thud, I nailed Jake in the center of his chest with my fourth dildo. My lower lip quivered once and sweat tickled my forehead near my hairline. "I hate you!"

Down to just three options, I chucked a clear, sparkly number at him. Despite my low grunted exertion in a toss that felt oddly similar to the tomatoes I'd hurled at his billboard, in-person Jake rolled his shoulders and easily dodged the incoming iridescent balls.

"Haven't you heard of -" My vision blurred by the time I hurled another throw at him, a slender, dark pink one with a tennis-ball shaped end for clit stimulation that I honestly hadn't even used yet.

"- personal -" Pinkie Pie grazed the top of his head as he ducked, then sank lower as I followed up with Whirly Bird.

" - boundaries!?"

Jake flashed me his palms but I'd already whipped my last option at him. Like the previous two phallic missiles, he ducked as poor HNV approached. This time, I'd aimed lower. For a brief second, satisfaction exploded inside me when my best dildo headed right for his face.

At the last second, one of Jake's hands snapped HNV out of thin air, but he groaned and dropped it to the ground like it'd burned him. My eyes roamed around me for more projectiles and narrowed on a dirty, folded up diaper.

I should throw that at him.

My shoulders sagged in defeat.

No... I should give up and get out.

"I'll make it up to you," Jake mumbled as I palmed the edge of the dumpster and hoisted myself up.

"Fuck you!" He dodged my feet as I swung my legs around, purposely at his head, and cursed, "When you're least expecting it, you'll be run over by a fucking bus one day. And I'll be driving it. And then just to make sure your ass is dead, I'll back the bus up and run you over and over until your organs are road splatter."

I normally would've applauded myself for the graphic mental image. But the reality of my surroundings sunk around me, literally after I'd gotten out of the trash.

Don't get me started on the smell. Words don't exist for how disgusting I feel and smell right now.

"Harper -" Jake reached up towards my hips.

"Don't. Fucking. Touch. Me." I slapped away his outstretched hands and leapt down.

With zero fucks to give at the sidewalk eyes that curiously looked in our direction, I stepped around Jake and scooped up all of my dwindled, but rescued, happy Harper-time selfie sticks. My hands snatched each one, which I clutched tightly to my chest no matter how dirty they'd gotten on the ground.

Safe to say I'll be burning or tossing out everything I'm wearing right now.

For one last good measure, I picked up poor HNV, squeezed my palm around his meaty, veiny shaft, then smacked Jake in the side of the neck with it.

"I fucking hate you, Jake Harrison."

Like an annoying stray dog that attached itself to and humped my leg, Jake followed me back into my dorm room, with one mumbled apology after another. Like I'd done outside, I ignored his existence and tossed the now eight dildos that I still owned into the bathroom sink.

A dejected sigh left my lips as I washed my hands like a surgeon. My shoulders slumped as I plugged up the sink, ran the water, then added in a small amount of bleach.

Don't get me started on the boots I left out in the hallway. Gross.

"Leave," I reminded him as I set a timer for ten minutes on my phone, then stripped off my clothes. With zero care in the world, I opened the door and tossed those onto my discarded shoes.

"Not while you're still mad." Jake's head shook back and forth but his eyes roamed my undressed state with interest. Stupidly, I'd worn a cute, black lace bra and underwear set that he'd just guaranteed stayed on me tonight.

Total waste.

Jake's heated gaze on me only earned him two shot up middle fingers, then I stepped behind the privacy of my open wardrobe door and threw on a pair of sleep pants and a T-shirt. Once covered, I stuck my head out of my wardrobe and threw him my best, 'Leave already,' glare.

"Then you'd better plan on spending the night," I griped out before I nearly choked on my own words. "On the floor. Naked. Hogtied. And with my longest surviving dildo rammed up your ass."

"Harper..." A large hand clamped onto my right shoulder, which I nearly wrenched all the way up into my ear. "Why don't you lay down?"

My eyes followed his gaze's trajectory towards Li's pink shag rug and, despite how ridiculously, furiously angry I was at Jake, one corner of my lip curled up. "So... You want to desecrate one of Li's belongings too? Not that lucky tonight anymore, shitstain."

"No." Jake pinched the bridge of his nose between one index finger and his thumb. "Fuck, just lay down. I won't touch you, I mean I will but not sexually."

"Like..." One of my eyebrows raised and a small rush of pleasure, not sexual for the record, ran through me. "A massage?"

Fuck, not that.

By no stretch of the imagination, I was a massage whore. Hand, foot, Shiatsu, hot-stone, Swedish, deep-tissue, that weird Thai thing where my body was tugged into a pretzel, even just a facial with the neck and shoulder rub-down relaxed me. I never impersonated a sated cat or dead corpse more than when I got a massage, melted and boneless into the table.

Definitely my whole-mind-and-body weakness.

Jake obviously knew this, by the way his hand rested where a knot of tension pinched my neck met my shoulders. With a gentle push, he steered me to the widest open part of our room. "Just for as long as your timer goes, in eight minutes. Then I'll leave." He removed his hand at the angry look I shot him. "Promise."

"Don't squish me, fatass," I warned him, knelt down, then flopped belly-down onto Li's ridiculously soft, plush rug. I fought the urge that I nuzzled my cheek against it since I was on the floor. Instead, I stacked my forearms and rested my forehead on the top one. "And I'm still mad!"

With a few rustled movements, Jake's knees straddled my hips but thankfully he just knelt over me. My shoulders flinched when his fingers ran over my neck but I exhaled and relaxed when he swept my hair to one side.

Jake wasted none of those eight minutes, while he pressed, rubbed, and pinched out stress knots in my shoulders and back. In warm, rolling motions, his large fingers found knots within knots, ones that I didn't know existed, and I moaned loudly as he worked through each one.

One slow breath at a time, the irritation slipped out of me.

Ha, like a melted ice cube.

Like the one I stuck right up his ass.

I smirked to myself, which faded when my mind went another direction. Jake and I had talked, uncomfortably on my part, but I hadn't told him about another ass I'd spoken with lately. While I still hadn't unpacked the giant, steaming pile of emotional shit behind Jake's video, he deserved to know when someone put a target on his back.

"Jake," I murmured into my palm. "What do you know about Ethan, UCLA's quarterback?"

The hands on my back stopped their movements for a few seconds. Jake's voice sounded tense when he gritted out, "Other than he's the biggest tool on the team and hates me like any other rival, not much. Why?"

My eyes fluttered closed when his hands returned their rubbed motions and I rested my right cheek on my forearm. "He visited me after class on Friday, with more beef against you than a fucking cattle ranch."

At Jake's silence, I sighed and continued, "He also has some delusional shit idea that I'm going to fuck you over. Why?"

"I..." Jake pressed his thumbs below my shoulder blades, onto either side of my spine. "Don't know."

"Me neither," I puffed out through my cheeks. "Thought you should know. And it's bad enough I'm exposed to your insufferable personality, stop dragging me into football rivalry shit."

"You like my insufferable personality." Jake exhaled sharply, then the teasing tone dropped from his voice, "If Burke gives you any trouble, I'm happy to come and knock his teeth out."

"When I wear them, I have big girl panties, Jake," I groaned out the words quietly. "And I seriously doubt a tool like Ethan Burke is worth the effort. We both know it won't end well for you if... Ohhh..."

My lower back rippled with released tension as Jake circled and kneaded the heel of his palm there. A warm pressure built up, then dissolved as my previously clenched muscle melted into pudding. My brain, sated and gone to mush, only had enough coherence for a mumbled, "Mmm..."

A low chuckle hit my ears and dragged me out of the near comatose-like sensations. "Moan like that too much Harper, and I'll..."

My eyes flipped open. "You'll what?"

Before he answered, the door handle clicked and the door swung open. Shuffled footsteps stopped abruptly and Li's soft voice squeaked out, "Harper?"

As Jake's fatass climbed off mine, I rolled my face towards her, "Welcome back."

"Hey Li." Jake palmed his legs, stood up, and stepped towards the frozen stature that was now my roommate.

"Hey, wow." Li looked like she'd seen a celebrity. "You are... big."

"Fat," I corrected her and pushed myself up. While most of the tension in my muscles was gone, I still was completely pissed off at Jake. "Most of it's in his head."

"It's a..." Li's pale cheeks turned pink as she looked up at Jake's face. Her eyes averted but then zeroed in on one of her posters. "Oh my! Did you sign those!?"

"Hope that's - oof!" Jake groaned out quietly when Li's small arms wrapped around him tightly.

"Oh, it's -" My lips rolled inward and bit back a smile at how quickly she released Jake, stepped back, and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Err, sorry. That was very kind, thank you."

"And that," I wagged an index finger between them and met Jake's eyes over his shoulder. "Is all the action you're getting. Jake was just leaving, sorry Li."

"Harper..." Jake threw me a pained, sad-eyed look but I just crossed my arms over my chest. "Can I talk to you in the hallway?"

"Of course." I squeezed past Li, hooked my hands around Jake's closest bicep, and steered him to the door. Once I opened it, I paused, raised up on my tiptoes, and murmured in his ear, "We didn't finish that talk on which position we should try tonight."

"You still..." His eyes darkened and lips parted.

"I sure do," I purred out as seductively as possible, given my ass had literally trudged through a dumpster less than thirty minutes ago.

As fast as they moved, I palmed both my hands into his chest, shoved him into the hallway, and called out, "Blue balls!!"

"Harp-" Jake hadn't gotten out my full name before I'd slammed the door, locked it, and set the deadbolt.

I wasn't sure if Jake heard me but, at least for my own satisfaction, I yelled at the door, "Enjoy your hand again, Jake!"

"Harper?" Adorably, Li's head tilted slightly sideways and her eyes filled with confusion. "Did you just -"

"I need a shower," I huffed quietly and pointed at the door. "Don't let in any strays. I've dealt with enough dicks tonight."