"Emily?"

I dropped my bag on the floor near my desk, where it landed probably next to my jaw from how far open it dropped. After a soft thud, my bag slumped over sideways, weighed down with the weight of my smelly equipment. "What are you doing here?"

"Sophia came to see Zach," was her odd, flat-toned response. She flicked a shoulder-length strand of blonde hair over her shoulder like the fact she'd entered a locked bedroom was no big deal.

Big fucking deal to me.

"Let me rephrase that..." My frown deepened at the twelve thirty-seven clock on my desk, I snapped my mouth shut, and crossed my arms over my chest. "How did you get in my room?"

"Sorry, I didn't know where to go..." Her blue-gray eyes, highlighted with heavy makeup that even my tired eyes noticed, blinked up at me. "And your rooms all use the same keys."

So why the fuck pick mine!?

My hands tensed into fists at my sides at what she indirectly stated, that she'd used another guy's key in my lock. The slight twitch in my nostrils signaled I'd flared them out, so I took a slow deep breath and relaxed my hands.

I have one rule with these guys, my room stays locked and empty.

In a low voice, she confirmed what I suspected, "Zach was feeling pretty sorry for himself sitting out tonight, so Sophia's making him... feel better right now."

"I'm sure he, uhh... appreciates that." I nodded slightly, extremely appreciative myself that she spared me any details about how Zach's bruised ego was... fixed.

Still doesn't explain why Sophia's roommate felt the need to let herself into my room.

"He'll be in the next game," I assured Emily with a hand patted on her upper arm, then stepped past her and walked towards my closet with sluggish, heavy steps.

Once there, I groaned quietly and removed my suit coat since my shoulder and bicep muscles felt weighed down with lead. "Don't tell him because I still have to be around his ego, but we need him against UW next week."

"I won't." She giggled and sank down onto my bed. The sight of her there, leaning back with her palms flat into my comforter, bothered me but I wasn't entirely sure why.

Emily and I were as casual of friends as a 'her roommate is dating my roommate-slash-teammate' was. Sophia occasionally brought Emily around for our Friday night movies, which I honestly hadn't participated in since week 1 so I wasn't sure how many times she'd visited.

In my room though is a different story, and a pretty fucked up one if I think about it too much.

She must have picked up on my apprehension because her lower lip rolled under her teeth and her eyes batted up at me. "Sorry, is it okay if I hang out here? I wasn't feeling it being their third wheel."

"Uhh..." None of me was comfortable with that suggestion, but my shoulders lifted up slightly. "To be honest, I'm going to crash pretty soon, Em."

"I'm sure they won't be long," she spoke like she offered me a promise, then tilted her head slightly sideways. "Are you going to movie night on Friday?"

"I probably can't..." I paused for a moment since, as far as I knew, Ellie's plans were that she flew into LAX on Saturday with the Huskies.

So, absent Ellie, there's only one girl I want to spend my Friday night with.

Provided she's not mad at me.

During the ride I gave her back to UCLA, Harper was very, very quiet. She only muttered thanks both times I opened her door for her. I walked her to her dorm entrance doors with the hope that we talked more, but any words that muddied up my brain got stuck in there.

On Harper's end, she only offered a small smile, said goodbye, and pressed a kiss onto my cheek. I couldn't read her intention with the flatness in her voice and how her eyes averted down to the sidewalk. With a quick glance into my rearview mirror, the same confusion I saw reflected in my rearview mirror reflection burned inside me now.

I should text her. And not just for sex, unless she needs it.

If I was honest with myself, if Harper was understandably mad at me, then I was sure up for angry sex. And, being even more honest, Harper was angry at least half the time we'd slept together.

I might be partially to blame half those times... most of those times.

Okay, every time.

The smile that spread across my lips dissolved when I removed my tie and Harper's cocky smirk faded in my mind. It was replaced by Emily's smile, whose thin lips parted so widely that two small dimples creased into her round cheeks.

Like Sophia and Zach, Emily was a senior. She and Sophia lived in an on-campus apartment... somewhere. While I'm sure the details had been mentioned to me at one point, I had no idea where those two lived other than together.

My hand absently rubbed over the back of my neck because I couldn't even remember what Emily's major was, or any other discernible characteristic about her. In my mind, she was just a nice girl, Sophia's roommate, and Drake's crush.

Oh fuck... Drake.

When I came upstairs, Drake's door was shut like always but the drawer and cabinet bangs signaled he was in the kitchen. The guy was ridiculously addicted to his go-to, late-night, post-game snack, a peanut butter and banana sandwich on two pieces of twelve-grain bread that I thought more resembled birdseed.

At the silence that filled my bedroom, Emily's small hands brushed a few strands of her hair behind her ears. I froze at the realization that her eyes roamed over me while she still sat on my bed. Her darkened gaze was awkward enough that the skin on my forearms crawled as I undid the buttons on my dress shirt cuffs.

With a slight turn away, I looked at her from over my shoulder. "Em, look. I'm not -"

A loud knock on my door fortunately snapped Emily up from my bed like she'd been shot out of a cannon. "That's probably Soph," she mumbled and bolted to the door. "I should go."

"Good idea..." I muttered to myself and dragged one hand through my hair.

Sure enough, Sophia's short frame stood in my doorway. I exhaled sharply out my nose at her pink cheeks, swollen and puffy lips, and pupils practically blown out of her dark brown irises. What I didn't appreciate was the knowing smirk she shot at me while Emily left my room, which drew my eyebrows together. My head shook as fast as my tired neck moved because I was armament that the entire house knew that absolutely nothing had happened behind his closed door.

Technically nothing past an unwelcome intrusion.

"Em..." My voice deepened as I pushed back the annoyance that flared inside me. While I knew she hadn't taken or disturbed anything in my room, she had violated my privacy. "Don't show up in my room unannounced again, I mean it."

Her blonde-haired head turned and she studied my face like she gauged my seriousness. Once my jaw clenched tighter, she nodded silently. The awkwardness that hung between us only got worse when footsteps approached the hallway and I met Drake's eyes from where he ascended the stairs.

"See? There he is." I palmed one hand onto Emily's back and shoved her gently in his direction. "Told you he'd be up here soon."

Her blue eyes clouded with confusion but she offered Drake a soft smile. "Hey London."

The poor guy practically melted into a puddle at the sight of her. His hand trembled and shook the plate he held, with his usual peanut butter and bananas. I bit back a smile at the nerves that strained his voice, "E-Emily."

"Right, I'll give you some privacy." I shot Drake a thumbs up then slammed and locked my door behind me. While I shook my head, the sensation I'd dodged a bullet lingered in me like bad leftovers.

Beyond weird.

After the normal Sunday lighter practice, homework catchup, and dinner, I found myself seated in the same position I'd sat in after I dropped Harper off Thursday night. My feet rested on the floor on the side of my bed, elbows on my knees, and stared at absolutely nothing but the carpet piles on my bedroom floor.

In addition to guilt, I was also incredibly bothered by the fact she'd gotten herself off at least twice this week.

All she would've needed to do was text me and she could've had... me.

Guess I'll have to show her how much more I can give her than those damn toys.

My left arm reached over to where my phone sat on the bed and I pulled up a picture.

If Harper knew I took this one, then she'd have ripped my balls off and sent me a picture of them in retaliation.

After she'd drifted off to sleep, with her head on my shoulder and hand flat on the center of my chest, I'd removed the condom slowly. With a quick look back at her, I tucked my blankets around her and stared up at the same ceiling I currently looked up at.

Numbness drained my arm as much as my post-sex brain but I knew if we'd both fallen asleep and woken up here the next morning then, again, she'd have also ripped my balls off. So, ten minutes and one pin-prickly left arm later, I'd grabbed my phone and snapped a picture of Harper since I only saw the top of her head.

I pulled up the picture on my phone screen, which was unlike anything I'd expected to have seen. It took away my breath just as much the second time I saw it as it had the first.

Harper's face was relaxed, lips parted slightly, and lashes rested against her cheeks. Most of her makeup was removed, rubbed into a few spots on my white comforter from how hard I slammed into her, and I saw the adorable, randomly smattered blonde freckles underneath her eyes.

In other words, she was breathtakingly beautiful.

But fuck, why is she so closed off? I can't even get in a fucking apology.

Sexually, she was perfect. Harper was up for any position and, despite as many times as we'd slept together, sex with her never got old. Thursday's orgasms with Harper practically rocked my world off its axis and my brain spun with endless possibilities of what we did next. A sharp exhale rushed out my nose at the idea she probably answered that question without any resistance if I asked.

The 'What if I want more?' rhetorical question had left my mouth before my brain registered the words but fuck, at least I felt like we were already more.

The image of Mom next to Harper as they laughed like friends resurfaced in my mind. It quickly vanished when my thoughts shifted to the one woman who'd given me unconditional support in all aspects of my life. The idea that Mom hadn't attended another one of my games bothered me more than I had admitted to her.

She's sacrificed years of game attendance and was probably just tired.

As my mind shifted back to Harper, my stomach felt nauseous when I realized that, even just as a friend, I failed with her.

No, as a decent human being, I failed.

Not the only time I've screwed up with a girl's feelings but she's definitely the first in a long line of mistakes.

Fuck, my mistakes are too painful to even think about...

My eyes closed under the weight of my thoughts and I rested my head back. With a slow deep breath in, my chest expanded, then heaved as I exhaled with a loud sigh.

No wonder she thinks I'll hurt her again.

My eyes squeezed so tightly closed that tiny white spots burst into the blackness.

How do I convince her that's the last thing I want?

Since laying around and feeling sorry for myself was probably the least productive way that I spoke to Harper, I snapped my eyes open and sat up. My hand tightened around my phone, which rang right when my finger hovered over her contact name. "Hello?"

"Hey wonder twin!" Ellie's soft voice chirped into my ear.

"Hey Ellie." I rolled onto my back and folded my free arm's elbow behind my head.

"Don't you sound like a real ball of sunshine," she teased with a lightness in her voice that faded quickly. "What's wrong?"

"How do you get Harper to open up about her feelings?" I blurted out the words and palmed my forehead with a light smack.

After a very long, awkward pause, Ellie coughed slightly. "Okay, umm... Wow... I'm going to answer the question that you asked with the hopes you tell me why the heck you asked it."

"Fair enough." I closed my eyes for a moment. "Please."

"Harper and feelings don't really go well together," she stated the obvious but I waited patiently because any suggestion Ellie couldn't have been worse than the half-assed methods I'd already attempted.

My perceptive sister knew Harper probably better than Harper knew herself and, at this point, better than I did. "So if I want her to talk about something, I toss it out like a joke. She laughs, makes a sarcastic remark that's closer to the actual truth than she realizes, then changes the subject quickly."

After another pause, my ear cracked with static from Ellie's sigh. "Sorry, that's the best I've got in terms of initiating a sensitive topic with her. Why are you asking? What stupid thing did you do this time?"

"Why do you always assume I did something?" I rubbed my palm over my forehead and massaged the area over my eyebrows with my index finger and thumb. "I'm trying to apologize but she just -"

"Jaaaaake, you don't expect me to believe that, do you?" Ellie's voice filled with dry sarcasm. "Did you actually say the words, 'I am sorry'?"

"I haven't gotten to that part yet," I snapped back with misdirected frustration, then heaved my own sigh. "Sorry, she's beyond difficult."

"And so are you. But you've seen her," a hint of smugness slipped into her voice. "Mom said -"

"What the fuck did Mom say?" My abdomen clenched hard as I sat upright and supported my weight with one palm on the bed behind me.

"Just that you three had dinner, so get your boxers out of your ass crack," she snipped back. "While our conversation was surprisingly open, why the heck did Harper ask me to call Mom that night?"

"Harper asked you..." Despite how my eyes squeezed closed and my free hand pinched the bridge of my nose, a chuckle vibrated my throat as I gave credit where credit was due. "Fuck, she wanted a diversion."

"I don't even want to know what kind of stupid shit you two are up to again, but leave me out of it," Ellie grumbled quietly. "I'm more concerned about your current diversion attempt to avoid telling me why you're asking me about opening up Harper's feelings. Unless you have a death wish and, if so, then it's been nice knowing you Jake."

"Ellie..." My eyes flipped open as I drew my knees up, rested my feet flat on my bed, and hugged them with my free arm. "I'm not comfortable -"

"Comfortable admitting that you have feelings for her?" Her sharp words hit me like a punch in the junk. "Or how you've always had feelings for her since you were a geeky thirteen-year-old?"

Ouch.

Ellie apparently had one more ego-punch in her and delivered it, "How about just the fact that every girl you've been with since Kicking Horse is tall, with blonde hair and big boobs? Subtle and you couldn't be further apart, Jake."

A defensive wall swelled up inside me, reflected by the irritation that soaked my voice, "Ellie -"

"Just stop right there. That irritation that you're feeling right now?" Her voice softened until she sounded sympathetic. "That's what Harper feels whenever she's asked about or presented with her feelings. It's very uncomfortable, like you're poking at a raw, exposed wound."

My mouth wrenched to the right side of my face. While Ellie's explanation made a lot of sense, it offered no help in getting through to Harper while certain body parts of mine were still attached.

"And, for the record," Ellie continued softly. "Harper doesn't usually talk about her feelings on her own but more... demonstrates them in fucked up ways."

"Like what?"

"She's fiercely loyal," Ellie answered right away. "Like when she had the school's computer science team wipe out your ex's social media existence when she threatened to incorrectly expose me cheating on Logan by kissing Kieran Meade... Don't get me started on when she died Camille's poor dog's fur period-blood red."

She did do that, poor dog.

My lips twitched upward at the memory. Flashback memory lane aside, I sat silently and mentally chewed on that information. With the exception of disgust, anger, and apathy communicated in the form of insults and sarcastic diversions, Harper never talked about her feelings.

Maybe she is more about actions... Has she done anything - yes she has.

I extended my arm and looked at the phone clutched in my palm. As usual, my sister's empathetic approach made a lot of sense.

Harper recorded Brittany and sent it to me. Not exactly a love declaration, but - wait.

Unfortunately, before I mentally unpacked that thought, she laughed. "You're a lot alike actually, stubborn as fuck, completely in denial -"

"Enough," I warned her because while I wasn't the most sensitive guy, I didn't need Ellie's long-distanced opinions about my faults rammed further down my throat. "I get your point. Talk to Harper like I'd want to be talked to."

Harsh delivery system aside, Ellie wasn't wrong. I preferred to be told things straight up, direct and honest.

And fuck, that's the exact opposite of what I've done.

"I'll pat you on the head in person when I see you, you slow work in progress," she teased. "But that's actually why I called. The Huskies changed their travel arrangements. They are coming down Friday night because of potential rain delays. And before you ask, yes, rain."

"Right." Even though Ellie couldn't see me, I nodded because the game started at one pm.

"I can cash in my flight points so both Logan and I both fly in Friday night. Originally I was going to stay with Harper Saturday night, but we have a change of plans."

"Her class ends at noon..." I paused for a moment after I'd let the fact I knew Harper's schedule slip. But, in the spirit of open honesty, I added, "I'd like to see you Friday, if that's okay. And I know she'd like to see you too."

"Me too." Relief filled me when Ellie agreed. "So I'll book stuff so we're coming down Friday and will text you and Harper the details."

"Great, thanks," I replied enthusiastically because I really was happy that I saw her for more time than just before or during the game. "I have extra tickets but if you want Mom's seat, then feel free."

"Yeah, about that..." Ellie paused for a moment. "Care to tell me why Mom isn't going to your games anymore?"

Guess Mom told her that much.

"She... wanted to figure out some stuff for her," I mumbled pathetically up to my ceiling. "I don't know the details, except she missed game two because Aunt Maria had an event."

"She really needs to move," Ellie pressed. "That house is too big for one person, all those lingering reminders and memories holding her back, and she's driving back and forth to Palo Alto. Don't get me started on that heap of junk collecting rust in the garage."

My free hand lifted off my knees and raked through my hair as I admitted more to myself than Ellie, "I should donate that to the high school."

"You should, I'm sure they'd love to finish it." For once, Ellie was in full agreement with me but not before she got in another jab, "Give a little back Jake, wouldn't kill you to be a little altruistic."

"I know," I grumbled back at my younger sister, who'd become a lot more irritating the more vocal she'd gotten. "I know."

As if she couldn't resist one more slam to my ego, Ellie finished our conversation with, "And apologize to Harper before we see you because I'm not putting up with your petty argument shit."

A low groan left my mouth before I ended with, "'Bye Ellie."

Fuck, I hate when she's right.

With another sigh, I opened up my phone and typed out the same message I'd written on last night's plane right back to LAX. Emily's presence had thrown me off but I hoped later was better than never.

me: Ellie and Logan will be here on Friday. U free for dinner?

My phone sat silent and message left unread for a few minutes, so I got up and showered. By the time I came back, one of my hands rubbed my towel over my damp hair dryer while I laughed at her response.

HER: With you? 👎
HER: With them? 👍

me: Can I see you before then?

HER: Like 🍆? Or 🌭 ?

My head shook but a quiet laugh escaped out my mouth.

Her and that damn hotdog.

me: If you want but believe it or not, just want to talk.

After she read my response, Harper was silent for a few moments. She responded by the time I undressed for bed, with a response I only described as a true Harper response.

HER: Not sure that's a good idea.

HER: Whenever your mouth opens, I get an overwhelming urge to rearrange your face with a shovel.

HER: Inspire my inner Ted Bundy another time, I have an exam Friday.

She's not going to make this easy.

Despite the beyond fucked-up situation, a small smile curled up the corners of my mouth.

Guess she wouldn't be Harper if she did.