The longass drive from Santa Cruz down to Los Angeles, home of the campus of my newly-transferred-to UCLA, was scenic but just as boring as when I listened while Dad discussed his legal cases. Fortunately he drove separately, and his silver Mercedes lingered a few car lengths behind me.

I was eternally grateful that Dad allowed me to stay home the first three years after high school, the first two and a half of which I attended basic studies classes at Cabrillo Community College. As a juvenile defense lawyer who co-owned his own practice and also collaborated with the county and state's district attorney's offices, Dad was insanely busy and our house was definitely quiet when I grew up. But, with that silence came privacy, independence, and a longer leash than I deserved. And my for sure sacrificed privacy was for sure going to be a huge adjustment.

A senior-year transfer probably seemed unusual, but I had taken an unconventional post-high school approach. I'd planned to study the basic coursework at Cabrillo for two years then transfer once I'd selected a major, but I aimlessly drifted between classes that left me at the beginning of my junior year with nothing that interested me.

Even after weeks went by, I still had no clue what I wanted for a career. Unlike Ellie, who was our high school salutatorian, I was a mediocre student at best. My patience with school was limited and tolerance for reading, memorization, and studying less so. I carried an almost 3.0 GPA at Cabrillo, which was respectable enough. However, across all twenty community college classes I'd taken in my first two years there, not a damn one interested me enough that I pursued another class, let alone career, on any subject.

Math, no.

History? Fuck no.

Science? Double penetration fuck no.

Anything ending in '-ology'? Pop in a third for a spit roast fuck fuck fuck no.

I knew what I hadn't wanted to study but Dad's kick in my ass at the beginning of my junior year, right when Logan transferred to UW to woo back Ellie, definitely booted me in the right direction. My spidey senses tingled at the uncharacteristic sight of Dad in the kitchen on a late Saturday morning, where he paced back and forth along the edge of the kitchen island.

"Harper!" he blurted out suddenly. "You're always welcome here..."

I looked up at the way his voice strained as it faded out and saw he'd stopped, leaned against the counters, and crossed his arms over his chest. A deep frown creased between his eyebrows, magnified by his frameless glasses.

There's a but coming.

"But you shouldn't," he finished. "I've been pretty lenient -"

"Too lenient." I snorted into my spoonful of Lucky Charms. "Is there a point here?"

Apparently my flippant response struck a nerve in Dad because his eyes hardened and jaw tightened. "You need to grow up already, Harper!"

"Dad -" I started but he held up one hand.

"You're living your life like you're stuck in no-man's land." He sighed and dipped his chin downward, which struck me harder than his previous tirade. "You have no major, no employment possibilities in mind, no plan, no direction!"

He's not wrong, but the delivery... savage for Dad.

I narrowed my eyes at his tall, slim frame. Dad was the odd combination of a guy who was in decent shape despite the fact he never exercised and most of his meals were eaten out of a to-go box. He was decently attractive, worked hard and was well off financially, but his personality was drier than dust.

That said, my vagina nearly fell off when he said, "I know this makes me the biggest hypocrite but I'm also worried about how I've never seen you in a steady relationship. Have you ever dated someone exclusively, Harper!?"

My mouth dropped open and decided now wasn't the time to bring up how my longest relationship had been a sex-only one senior year of high school.

Probably also best not to mention the parking lot quickie I had with a vending machine repair guy after class two days ago.

"I assume the blame because I'm shit with relationships too." Once Dad started, he apparently lost his off-switch and raised one palm-up hand in my direction. "But you... Just look at you! Can you at least try to look more professional?"

"Meaning?" My eyebrows lifted but one hand gesture from Dad's hands at his shoulders was enough that I knew he referred to the aquamarine tips on my blonde hair.

"Harper, I don't know what you're doing but it's not working." He clenched both hands at his side, then released his tight fists. "You need to figure out where you're going in life, or I'll figure it out for you."

I sat back in my table seat while half my cereal fell out of my wide open mouth and went... somewhere, I wasn't sure. Never lost for words, I just sat there and nodded my head over and over.

Figure it out or I'll figure it out for you...

I was positive that the ultimatum bothered Dad a lot more than he showed but the disappointment that soaked his eyes hurt more than any words he'd lashed out at me with. And while Dad's outburst surprised me for sure, he wasn't wrong.

Weeks passed and I not only stayed stagnant but regressed, especially in the 'relationship' department. Dad actually made more forward progress than me with an interest in, of all people, Grace Hightower. While I admired Logan's Mom's filterless comments, the very handsy woman who preferred strangulation over hugs had a unique combination where she called Dad out on his shit but respected him for his life-sucking job.

Grace and Logan's younger brother Brody, who I vaguely knew from high school as yet another football player, moved to Scotts Valley. Dad had definitely noticed but he never pursued anything past a caring friendship.

I'll say one thing about Grace Hightower... At least she's distracting him from how much of a disappointment I am.

I had no idea Dad had paid any attention to me, in particular my social life full of meaningless one-night stands. A loose system of rules that I'd followed apparently weren't strict enough.

Never take anyone home.

Wash the sex smells off.

IUD for the win, but condoms every time.

Fuck and chuck.

Every single guy I slept with knew my sentiments before we did anything, yet almost all of them got attached anyways. The reality of my needy vagina stung like a bitch because Jake himself was no better with his own side piece of the week.

I actually wasn't bothered by Jake's revolving door of desperate girls because I completely understood and sympathized with how annoying a high sex drive was. The one exception between us was I exercised total discretion while he flaunted his preferred type - blonde, tall, thin, melon-sized breasts, and legs that willingly parted open at the snap of his fingers all over social media.

And he's loved unconditionally for it.

A guy with a high sex drive sleeps around and he's a stud. Girl does it and she's a slut or a whore.

Probably motivated by an embarrassingly aimless daughter, Dad pulled me out of Cabrillo for the spring semester my junior year and got me an internship within the Santa Cruz County's District Attorney's office's Documents Processing Office. While the glorified paper-pusher's job was horrendously boring, I got bit by the legal bug, talked a lot with the department's attorneys, and decided to become a paralegal. UCLA had one of the best programs in the state and, with their one-year-let's-be-honest-it'll-take-me-eighteen-months certification program, the transfer seemed like a no-brainer.

My plan had just one tiny, small finger emoji sized really, and annoyingly inconvenient detail. Jake Harrison had fulfilled his wet high school football dreams and attended USC, which was a drunken college kid's empty beer can throw away from UCLA.

With my new phone number, I drove down with the hopes that I'd simply hide within the anonymity of the sixty thousand students across the two schools, and swore everyone who knew I was now a UCLA Bruin to secrecy with a threat I kidnapped their first-borns, or worse, their testicles.

My incognito plan went just as successfully as it had for Rumpelstiltskin. By the obvious text Jake had sent me right before I left, someone owed me a future baby... or testicles.

I hadn't gotten very far down the highway and into my reliable stash of Red Bull energy drinks before another Santa Cruz memory swelled a lump in the back of my throat.

The first time Jake and I swapped bodily fluids other than spit was intertwined with a horrendous situation his sister Ellie had endured. The first week of high school, freshman year, Jake had made the Santa Cruz football team as backup quarterback. Given the magnitude of Santa Cruz's powerhouse program, that was quite an achievement. So, to celebrate, Jake brought Ellie and I to the first football party of the season.

"I'm so excited!" He'd bounced into Ellie's bedroom with a huge grin on his face. "And I want you to come with me!"

Famous last words.

Three hours of girl preparations later, Ellie's impact was felt not even two steps past the party house's front door. Santa Cruz's starting senior quarterback Ryder Stevens, who will forever be referenced by me as 'shithead of the century,' locked his predatory eyes and eventually lips with Ellie.

While Ryder and Ellie sucked face on the party house stairs, after a few rounds of idle chit chat, Jake was dragged into the kitchen by some teammates who carried a six pack of beers, a funnel, and a vengeance to get him completely trashed. Just before he left my side, his arm reached out and his hand intertwined with mine.

"Jake!" I giggled loudly as he tugged me behind him.

"I'm not leaving you alone here." He squeezed my palm tightly, almost possessively and every cell in my body lit up at that idea.

"Drink up Jake." One of his teammates pushed him down into a kitchen chair and practically stuck the funnel down his throat. My eyes flipped open wide as he gagged slightly, so I pushed myself between the jackass who now threatened to pour two of the beers down the funnel.

"Boys, boys, boys..." I distractedly sashayed my hips as one of my hands closed around the idiot's fists around the beers, and the other squeezed his junk between his legs. He lurched forwards, dropped both cans on the floor, and twisted his face as I squeezed harder.

My free hand's index finger guided the tool's gaze up to mine. "I need Jake's mouth for other activities tonight and if you ruin them for me, then your balls will become an endangered species."

After one more tight squeeze that possibly also involved a twist of my wrist, the guy groaned but released Jake.

"You are my personal hero," Jake murmured into my ear before my hand tugged him out of the kitchen. I distinctly remember two things: the vibrating pulses from the horrible party music selections and the absence of Ellie and Ryder from the base of the stairs.

Biggest regret of my life was not listening to that red flag.

"Jake, what?" I laughed when he bolted through the living room and dragged me behind him. He tugged me so quickly down the upstairs hallway that I nearly tripped and my feet struggled to keep up. My neck craned backwards and I frowned when I didn't see any sign of Ellie from their previous makeout spot or anywhere else, and made a mental note that I found her whenever Jake had finished dislocating my arm from my shoulder socket.

Past a few locked door attempts, Jake pulled me into the first open bedroom. After his palm quickly slammed and locked the door, he turned around and looked at me with dark, near feral eyes. My heart thumped loudly in anticipation as he stepped closer.

After I confronted Jake about his second love note from the pool, we shared one clumsy 'what goes where?' makeout session in his bedroom but he'd never looked at me like he did in that party house. Shivers ran down my spine and goosebumps raised on my forearms.

"Downstairs..." Within two steps, his large hands were on my waist. Jake still resembled a puppy who was too big for his paws, but his thumb gently pinched my chin and lifted my gaze up to a warm pair of eyes and soft smile. "Was the hottest thing I've ever seen. You're like some kind of explosive firecracker."

"So you like a girl who doesn't take shit from guys, huh?" My blonde-haired head, which back then was naturally colored, cocked slightly sideways and one of my light blue eyes closed in a wink.

"I do." Jake tugged me towards him and hungrily pressed his lips against mine. My hands slid over his shoulders as I pulled myself tightly against him and shuddered against the obvious excitement he already felt for me. I was taller than most girls, certainly towered over the short stack that was his sister, but with his recent growth spurt, he towered a few inches above me.

"Harper, please be my girlfriend," he murmured into my mouth after a few minutes of scorching hot kisses led us to be seated on the bed. "You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen and I'm crazy about you. I don't ever want anyone else."

"Yes," I whispered immediately as the rush of girly, squealy emotions surged through me.

Jake shared my sentiments, locked his lips on mine, and gently stroked his tongue into my mouth. I squeaked at the initial contact but a rush of adrenaline and a strange, warm ache built up between my legs until it throbbed for more, but more of what I had no idea. My hands slipped up his chest, small and bony compared to what he looked like now, and his long arms wrapped around me in a hug.

"What's your ideal date?" he asked while we broke off for a moment, while his lips kissed up and down the side of my neck. My body flamed warm under the contact and I wanted to rip my skin off from the unfamiliar pressure built up inside me.

"I don't know..." I pulled slightly back and examined him.

Jake's dark brown hair was messy, his eyes so dark they looked almost black, and his normally thin lips were pink and slightly puffed up. I dragged my thumb over his lower lip gently, then smiled when he pressed a soft kiss into it.

"I'm just happy at the beach," I finally replied. "If we just chill, maybe eat. It's... silly but I always thought the sunsets were romantic."

"It's not silly," he murmured, then drove his mouth right back against mine roughly. Right when I thought the talking was over, he added, "We'll go tomorrow."

Just like that, I became the first girl who melted under Jake's charms and empty promises.

Obviously, I was completely naïve back then. Every sane, functioning part of my brain still cringed at the memory, particularly given the events that followed, and just how... romantic our exchange had felt.

I was ridiculously smitten, but everything crashed down when we heard a high-pitched scream from across the hall.

My eyes flipped wide open in horror as I recognized Ellie's voice. My body moved in slow motion as I tore through the movements, put my clothes back on, and slipped my feet into my heels. I left Jake half-dressed on the bed and bolted into the hallway. Just as I clicked the door behind me, the door across the hall flung open and a tear-stained, hair mussed, distraught, sobbing Ellie clutched my elbows like a lifeline.

"Ellie." I grabbed her upper arms right when her knees gave out. A quick glance over her shoulder revealed a nearly purple-faced Ryder hunched over, his face wrenched and both palms clutched over his family jewels. After I realized his fly was down and the terror in Ellie's eyes seared into my heart, my own eyes narrowed and I stepped closer to further his punishment.

"N-nuh-no," she half begged, half whispered as her small fingers dug into the skin on my arms. "Puh-Puh-please get me out of here."

"Of course." I marched down the stairs, kicked whoever's ass sat in the way, and half-dragged, half-led Ellie all the way outside. I didn't stop until we stepped past the drunks strewn over the front yard and both of us gasped in the night air.

"What happened?" I set Ellie down carefully on the curb, pulled out my phone, and texted my dad to get us stat. Her shoulders heaved and entire body shook violently as sob after sob escaped her lips.

"Ryder, he... tried to..." As her fingers flew to her lips, I sank down onto the curb and pulled her into my shoulder.

"Did that piece of shit touch you?" Despite the anger that twisted my stomach, my voice came out flat and monotone. The storm of shock and emotions that raged in her eyes was the only answer I needed before her slight head nod broke my heart.

"Ellie!!" Jake's voice called out from the house. Six running strides of his long legs later, he sat on her other side. "Shit, Ellie what happened?"

She didn't say anything, just flung her arms around his waist and sobbed into his chest. He caged his arms around her and we alternated looks of concern and comfort pats on her back.

"Ryder happened," I said through clenched teeth. Jake's fists tightened behind Ellie's back, but I placed mine over them and squeezed both his wrists until his tension relaxed. His eyes met mine over the top of Ellie's head and, with each sob Ellie released, his face hardened further into a dark, unreadable expression.

Neither of us asked that Ellie shared the details of what exactly had happened in that bedroom. Later, when her nightmares showed up, she shared that the asshole Ryder stuck his fingers inside her and threatened to shove his dick in her mouth. He was seventeen, a senior, and Ellie was... just barely fourteen.

Like every time that memory resurfaced, I coughed and choked back the bile that rose up the back of my throat. The California coastal highway view out my dashboard that already passed from my excessive speeding, blurred under threatened tears that I quickly blinked away.

At that moment though, the three of us simply sat there, shoulder to shoulder. A heavy, thick silence wrapped around us, except for muffled throbs of party house music that mixed with Ellie's subsided sobs.

We sat until the headlights of my Dad's car flashed in our faces. Anyone who saw us from a distance would've assumed that the three of us sat together and hung out like we'd always done.

That night was the last time we were all unconditionally friends.

And after Jake and I had taken each other's V-cards, he took something much worse from me the next day.

He took... everything else.