"Oh, fuck..." I cursed quietly and paced around my hotel room, one barefoot step across the carpet at a time. "I can't... Can I? Nooooo, I can't. I can't."

This is bad. I'm a horrible, horrible person.

After Jake and I spoke on the beach, I never fully went back to sleep last night. My mind was still too wired around the same circular loop of thoughts.

Fuck, I have feelings for Jake again.

Correction: double fuck, they never changed. But how did they just... pop up so quickly?

That makes me even more of a bitch to Eddie.

In the past six months, Jake had somehow managed to get even more ripped. His cockiness oozed out of those bigger, sharper chiseled chest and ab muscles that seemed splashed in my face every opportunity that he got.

Not that I'm complaining but... now he's being mature and... nice?

I don't think my mind can process a considerate version of Jake. Maybe his balls did fall off.

I paused in front of the wall mirror in my hotel room and groaned at my full blown-out pupils. My eyes looked like two black holes had been punched through my irises and my cheeks, neck, and chest were blotchy with pink.

Even when slicked over with sweat from ziplining, he smelled masculine and woodsy and fucking comforting. His confident aura was in full projection mode, although he wore it with relaxed shoulders and a smirk that shot right into me. Past the physical part, which included his hair kept longer but neatly trimmed on the ends and faint stubble that outlined his sharp jawline, Jake seemed like he'd thought a lot about what happened between us

I'd been so wrapped up in what I'd done to poor Eddie that I hadn't noticed much of my reactions to Jake until Eddie ended our relationship. I had reciprocated feelings for poor Eddie but they felt shallow compared to the emotions that nearly drowned me when Jake simply sat with me near his lap, his arms around my chest while we, for once, just talked.

Every press of his lips drew me out of my guilt-soaked funk, tickled my skin with goosebumps, and rose warmth up from underneath my skin. Part of my body, which had felt slightly dormant since my lady bits fizzled out on me after my mother's surprise visit, surged with renewed life and with each throb of warm ache between my legs, one fact became very apparent...

...my traitorous vagina had returned from her sabbatical.

Long time no see, bitch.

Sex with Eddie had been good and I felt guilty even drawing any kind of comparison. His favorite position was missionary though. While I appreciated the view of the black ink from his tattoos, swirled like a secret language only I got to read and darkened with perspiration as he drilled into me, my body hadn't responded the way it had the first time we'd slept together.

Me, of all people, had convinced myself that sex wasn't as important as our intimate connection because I cherished that more than anything with Eddie. Communication breakdowns, and his wife cheating, had led to his failed marriage and he came out on the other side an over-communicator. I wasn't sure if it was his older age or limitless patience but Eddie had shown me that the risk of opening myself was all in my head.

He really cared, like a friend first.

Whenever I opened up to Eddie, hesitation was alway my first reaction. We still got to know each other and I hated that I laid out my fucked-up-ness up front but he absorbed every shit detail without judgement. Confession by confession, his calm, reassurance that I wasn't a total nutjob smoothed over my hesitation until I'd relaxed into the relationship and felt, well, safe.

Since Jake and I talked, I'd called Eddie a couple of times, and apologized repeatedly with a few more rounds of tears before I met up with Jake at the pool. He again assured me I had nothing to be sorry for and while he was disappointed we hadn't worked out, he promised me that he was fine.

"Harper, I knew it wasn't permanent," he admitted with a sigh. "I'm just glad for the time we did have together, really. I meant it when I hadn't felt anything since Amber, so... What we had was what I needed. I don't feel... broken anymore, so thank you."

"Eddie..." I whispered as tears trailed over my cheeks.

"And it's time you stop hiding from your feelings, Harper," he offered with a gentleness I didn't deserve. "I'll say it again if it helps. It's okay."

I don't deserve him but promise if I ever see his ex-wife Amber while driving then my car is jumping onto the sidewalk at her.

The same pain and discomfort I felt six months ago churned inside me when Jake and I first talked but the more I opened up to him, the lighter I felt. My chest felt like it expanded and the cracks in my heart cemented over. We talked a lot on the beach, in terms of a few miscommunications but we still hadn't discussed the biggest problem. Which wasn't how fucked up I'd gotten over my mom and unfairly taken it out on him but the root problem that had chased me away from relationships ever since the first one with Jake himself that left me broken hearted.

That I'm not worthy of being loved.

Eddie hadn't convinced me otherwise, for the record. The man was a fucking saint, especially with his 'I thought you needed a friend' response to when I asked why the fuck he was still with me if he thought I was in love with Jake. But Eddie wasn't a miracle worker. And frankly, it wasn't anyone else's position to convince me otherwise.

Wyatt, of all people, had shown me that I was capable of real, emotional relationships. Whatever that kid saw in me, I had no idea but he truly had a gigantic, unconditional heart... and an endless supply of Sponge Bob memes whenever I needed a smile.

My chest squeezed tight at the real truth, that rolled nausea around in my stomach whenever I remembered the feel of my lips pressed into Jake's cheek. I wasn't sure how I felt about his declaration of celibacy. In fact, I still didn't believe it but if it was true, then he was still a better person than me.

Fuck, I can't admit that to him. I need to keep some dignity to myself.

Jake was still Jake, from his bricked up erection at the pool to the way his eyes latched onto my strategically chosen skimpy black bikini top that hid none of the way my nipples perked up like radars.

I kept the advantage of sunglasses on when Jake met me by the pool again the next morning. He sat, reclined in a white plastic lounge chair, his long legs extended, ankles crossed, and frowned down at his phone.

"Don't look so happy to see me," I teased and laughed at how fast his head snapped up.

In another conscious effort, I wore a baby pink bikini, with a high cut at the hips and plunging halter neckline. My sandals clicked quietly across the cement sidewalk around the pool as my lips curled up at how his parted open.

"Morning Jake," I teased and sat down next to him, completely aware of the other greeting inside his navy blue swim trunks.

"Fuck," he cursed quietly and adjusted himself. His eyes started on mine dragged lower, followed by a small flick of his tongue between the seam of his still-parted open lips. "You look -"

"Don't say edible," I warned him and dropped my swim bag down.

With zero hesitation, Jake shifted his chair over until it nearly touched mine, sat next to me, and trailed his fingers down my bare neck to the knot that kept my girls contained. I'd piled my hair into a high bun because the humidity here left me fewer options and the relaxed, vacation vibe less fucks to give.

The back of my neck tingled both at the brush of his rough finger pads over my skin and the heat that simmered in his dark brown eyes. Warm breaths fanned down the side of my neck as he bent down and skimmed the tip of his nose up to behind my left ear. His lips followed, which drew my breath in sharply, not with a kiss but slight graze of his teeth over my earlobe.

Shudders ran across my shoulders and down my spine at how his voice dropped two timber levels deeper and sounded raspy as fuck, "What if I said fuckable?"

Jake's words and the heat wrapped around every one shot trembles through me and flushed warmth between my thighs.

"Then I'd say you got me wet before I got anywhere near the pool," I breathed out.

His only response was a low groan that vibrated all the way down between my legs and pooled more wetness there.

Pink was a bad idea.

"Too bad we have company." His lips teased a soft contact point on my shoulder and a low moan rose up the back of my throat. "Otherwise, I'd..."

Wait, what? I want that sentence finished.

Preferably with hand gestures or visual descriptions.

I must have given Jake a pained look because he chuckled when he pulled back and nodded over my shoulder. His lips softly met the back of my head before he stood up and left me flustered and my mouth dropped open as his ass cut off my line of vision.

Ugh, clit-blocked... Whoever it was, they'd -

"Harper!"

For better or worse, the 5ft2, 100-pounds when soaking wet capsule of 'everyone deserves love in their life' had arrived, for her wedding to the 6ft5 mountain of goo that reciprocated her endless-lovely feelings.

"Harper!" Our pint-sized bride shuffled those size five feet across the pool area.

Dressed in typical Ellie-casual attire, her white sneakers contrasted her black leggings. If the temperature hadn't been so warm, I would've expected her to be wearing a sweatshirt but her white, short-sleeved shirt took a backdrop to the lei of purple flowers that looked like the ones I'd gotten from the airport.

In half as many steps as Ellie needed, Logan trailed behind her. He wore a light blue Hawaiian print shirt, khaki shorts, sandals, and a smile as wide as the Pacific Ocean. Also adorned with a purple lei, his stopped mid-chest and Ellie's hung to her navel. His dirty blonde hair was shorter, like he'd recently gotten a haircut, faded down around his ears and neckline and his ocean-blue eyes sparkled over the top of Ellie's head.

That's actually... ridiculously cute that he's excited to get married.

Right when I stood up next to Jake, Ellie's small feet skidded to a halt. Her eyes widened as she shifted them back and forth at the sight of me and her brother next to each other. I wasn't entirely sure what she expected, maybe that we strangled each other's throats or went for a nipple twist, but her lips parted and jaw dropped.

"You and... Jake? Are you... You're... on speaking terms?" Our bride-to-be, hopefully not bridezilla, blinked those round, doe-shaped eyes at me. Her voice came out high and squeaky, even when I nodded.

"But... I had a whole..." Her lower lip rolled under and she narrowed her eyes. "Wait, like, open communication and no more games or just tolerating each other's presence for the sake of appearances?"

"We talked." I looked up at Jake, who gave me a soft smile. "And cleared up a few things."

"Uhh, yeah." Jake ran one hand through his hair and looked at me for confirmation. "No hard feelings, right?"

"No hard feelings..." Ellie mumbled quietly and kept her glare fixed on us.

My lips curled up and I dropped my eyes down to Jake's ass, since he still stood in front of me. "Only the ones in your shorts."

"You..." Ellie's eyes looked like they wanted to fall out of her head. She even looked back at Logan, who lifted his shoulders. "You're seeing someone though?"

I got one head shake out before she scowled at Jake. "And you!" She jabbed the airspace at his nose. "You said you were seeing someone!"

Jake got my eyes' attention for that accusation and I knew just from the way he rubbed the back of his neck that a string of bullshit followed. "I didn't exactly say that, Ellie. I said if Harper brought someone -"

"Ugh!" Ellie's small hands flung up into the air and Logan held onto her shoulders. "Jake, seriously!? You two are the worst communicators I know!"

No argument here.

"I deserve that," I replied quietly and crossed my arms over my chest. "To clear up any ambiguity on my side... Eddie and I are not seeing each other anymore."

"I'm sorry." While I doubted she was truly sorry, Ellie's eyes softened, along with her voice, "Are you really okay Harper? Because if Jake did something stupid -"

"Not yet," I replied dryly, then looked over at Jake and ran one hand from his bare shoulder to his waist. My ego high-fived itself when he shuddered slightly. "I'd say we're just about back on insult level. There's limitless material though, so I don't even know where to start."

"Not the only thing I can give that's limitless," he tossed back with a smirk.

"And they're back to being gross," Ellie grumbled as her small arms hugged around my shoulders. She pulled back, squeezed my arms in those small hands, and dragged her eyes down me. "Are you really alright?"

"Sure." I shrugged nonchalantly. "Haven't killed your aisle escort yet, so I'm putting that down as a personal win. He got pretty close a few times to being left behind in the treetops while we went ziplining yesterday."

"You went ziplining... already?" Her lower lip puffed out slightly but Logan mouthed 'thank you' over the airspace he occupied above her head.

"Blame NFL-bound Adonis who can't do contact sport stuff anymore." I nodded at Ellie's gigantic, blonde-haired shadow. "Congratulations, by the way... Funsucker. Can you even go scuba diving or do we need to worry about a fish nibbling those million dollar toes?"

"I can do that," he replied with a low chuckle.

Before a single one of Logan's toes touched down onto professional football turf, he'd secured a massive signing bonus from his third-overall draft selection. Ellie texted me that he'd negotiated his own five-year salary, which was finalized last week, without an agent. I was just glad that his gigantor ass was still in Seattle because she planned at least another year at UW for grad school.

Just like a fucking fairy tale ending... for them.

"And back up. Did I hear that right, Jake?" She turned her head toward him and lifted her eyebrows. "Have you tried anything with Harper?"

At my soft snort, she groaned quietly and rolled her eyes. "You know I didn't mean it to sound dirty."

"Which makes it funnier," I teased her. "He wishes he tried something but nope. If you believe him, his dick has been drier than -"

"I don't need the details," Ellie gritted out, then flipped her eyes back at Jake and she beamed. "Still on your celibacy streak?"

"Fuck, Ellie." Jake dragged one hand down his face and frowned. "Can we not talk about that?"

"He's definitely on a break." Her small shoulders bounced as she giggled at me. "Thanks for keeping Mister Grumpy Backed up Pipes over here from going postal on our wedding venue."

"You owe me," I teased and wagged a finger at her. "Didn't know dicksitting was in the maid of honor fine print."

"Hey, Jake." Relieved from his Ellie-Chihuahua leash duty, Logan nodded at Jake.

"Congrats on the Seahawks," Jake offered a total of four more words and offered a fist bump. Given the rest of the conversation, I wasn't surprised that's all they exchanged.

"So... What's your activity plan?" I raised an eyebrow at Ellie, because knowing her, she mapped out an itinerary for every hour of every day that we were here.

She surprised me with a slight shoulder lift. "Logan and I need to finalize some wedding planning stuff at five, but we're mostly free this afternoon. I think there's cake tasting involved if you want to join us."

"Tempting, but I think Dad's flight is getting in soon and we're going to try parasailing," I murmured and glanced over my phone and found Dad's usual travel update text. "Whether he likes it or not."

"Pretty sure I can't do that either, baby," Logan grumbled quietly to Ellie.

"We could still ride in the boat, make sure your Mom doesn't drown?" she offered.

My eyes lifted over my phone screen at his large frame. "I don't think the boats can go fast enough to lift all those muscles up higher than five feet anyways."

Jake's hard, meaty arm lodged itself across my shoulders. "Looking forward to proving you wrong, firecracker. I'll go tandem with your ass."

Before I responded, his hand slipped down and squeezed onto my right butt cheek. The warmth of his palm cupped tight and fingers pressed into my bare skin parted my lips. I pressed them tightly closed when his fingers lingered and stroked softly along the back edge of my bikini.

Please tell me Ellie didn't see that.

The smirk Logan sported showed he'd noticed Jake's lack of subtlety. I just rolled my eyes at Ellie, who flicked her eyes back and forth between me and Jake. Her face twitched oddly as she looked at him, with some kind of coordinated eyebrow raise and lips pulled into her right cheek, and he nodded slightly.

"Do that weird wonder twin thing on your own time." I waved my hands up but the smirk on Ellie's face looked like it was permanently stuck in place.

"Wooooeeeeee!!!" Grace hooted out loudly and kicked her legs back and forth from her seat in the parasail. "Faster! Higher!"

"No!" Dad croaked out. "We-we're good."

He and Grace arrived right on time, along with Mrs. H., who opted for a poolside rest after their flight from San Jose. Grace choked all of us tightly and reserved her strongest hug for her new daughter-in-law. Their arrival meant that half of the wedding party had arrived. We still needed just Charlie and Wes, Darrius' family, and Josh and Ava, whose plans I knew nothing about.

If I was a better maid of honor, then I'd probably know if they were actually coming or not.

Technically and legally on paper, Ellie and Logan were already married. With their moms by their sides, they'd gotten their marriage license from the Santa Cruz County Clerk's office before they flew out here. The Hawaii ceremony was more of a celebratory expression or, as Ellie said, vacation downtime.

Jake, Ellie, Logan, and I sat in the back of a West Maui Parasailing charter boat, where I'd insisted that Dad and Grace went first before Dad chickened out. From my seat against the U-shaped white leather seat, the wind whipped wildly against my cheeks and, within my black one-piece suit, my breasts jiggled every time the bright yellow boat lurched over the waves.

The smirk Jake shot me showed he'd noticed my seismic reactions but my attention was drawn more behind us, to the yellow, pillowy sail behind Dad and Grace. It had a painted pattern on the inside so it looked like a smiley face when fully expanded, including a nose for the center air hole.

Behind us, at twelve hundred feet in the air, Dad's curled up fetal position and white-knuckled hand grip on his side of the tandem harness seat showed he wasn't as enthusiastic as Grace. She raised her arms overhead and screamed so loudly that I think the mainland U.S. heard her. His scrunched up, pale face reflected more than the fact he'd asked me to hold his glasses for their ride and then joked that his will was up-to-date. During the fifteen-minute ride, I was also pretty sure he'd sweated off all his sunblock.

A large, warm hand, slightly damp with the same sea spray that covered me, clutched onto my bare thigh and drew my attention off poor, ghostly white Dad.

"Think he'll be okay?" Jake yelled in my ear and squeezed my thigh gently, which shot a jolt of sensitivity up my leg.

"Yeah." I cupped my hand around his ear. "He might be kissing dry land by the time they float down."

My hand trailed down the side of his neck, to the strap of his life jacket on his shoulder. A smile curled up my lips and I slid my fingers down the jacket's neck line and patted his chest a few times. When I drew it back, he clamped his hand over mine and palmed it flat. Even though I felt only the plastic latch join, my heart thumped wildly at the warmth that flowed through his eyes.

When the boat lurched, my torso flung forwards. His hands shot out and caught my shoulders before my head planted into his chest. My hands fell right onto his ridiculously rock-hard thigh muscles. By the time I steadied myself and sat upright, his lips were pulled back in a cocky grin.

His fingers teased a few strokes down the back of my arms. "Are you okay?"

"Don't act like you didn't enjoy that," I teased and sat back.

While his face read an obvious 'Don't act like you didn't enjoy that too,' he just locked his eyes on me. They pooled with warmth the longer he looked into mine, which flipped my heart in my chest and I averted my gaze. Unfortunately, my eyes went right to where Ellie and Logan sat next to us.

She actually sat on his lap, with his arms wrapped around her waist. Their matching smirks earned them a middle finger.

I was so distracted by the wedding ceremony site that I ignored almost all the rehearsal instructions. The cool, damp sand, salty ocean breeze, and sunset colors behind the hotel's property edge looked amazing. I would've guessed at first sight that the setting screamed not-Ellie but her shoulders were drawn down, her skin glowed like a halo around her, and her eyes beamed brightly as she and Logan exchanged only, "You'll find out." as their practice versions of their handwritten-vows.

During the rehearsal ceremony and subsequent dinner at Duo, a beachside steak and seafood restaurant in the nearby Four Seasons hotel, I snuck a few glances at Jake. He'd gone through the rehearsal stone-silent, his spine rigidly stiff, and just nodded at all the officiant's instructions. Now, his eyes held the same distant look as he wrapped one of his hands around a beer bottle, beaded up at the neck with condensation.

"So... fess up." Ellie leaned over towards me, her eyes slightly hazy and breath smelled with the earthy, fruity, dry scent of her second glass of cabernet.

"Uhh..." I bit back a smile at the view she flashed me down her strapless sundress, an option Ellie never wore but we'd picked it out for the rehearsal because it fell halfway between the shirt and pants she wanted to wear and the bathing suit Logan voted for.

The sight of Ellie and Jake together, even in casual beachwear, arm in arm as they walked down the practice sand path hit me like a punch in the ovaries. She tightly clutched his arm as they took heavy, staggered steps and my heart sank at the obvious loss of their Dad twelve months prior to a heart attack.

Her eyes glistened like the sunset rays that bounced off the wave peaks. The effect was contagious through the small group. My eyes beaded up, Charlie sniffled, Wes complained about allergies, Monique bawled and blamed postpartum hormones, continuous streams flowed over Mrs. H's cheeks, and Grace... Grace cried and sobbed like she'd sprung a leak.

"Oh gosh." She inhaled a loud, wet sound of congestion into Dad's shoulder. "I'm okay. I'm okay... I am... okay."

The rest of our small group exchanged a few small laughs. Charlie and Wes and Monique and Darrius' family arrived but Ava and Josh were... not here. Logan said Josh attended an NFL camp, which made no sense to me as to how Logan was present but I didn't ask about the details.

From where Ellie had started her relationship journey to where she stood now, hand in hand with a guy who worshiped every grain of sand wedged between her bare toes, I couldn't have been happier for her. That sentiment never changed as I watched her sitting relaxed against Logan's side, his arm tucked around her at the dinner table.

She doesn't look nervous about getting married tomorrow.

My fork dipped the last bite of my amazingly tender panang curry lobster into my month as I studied Jake's largely absent presence across the table from me. He looked far away, even while Wes and Darrius traded roasting stories about Logan. Since I'd also inhaled my truffle mac-n-cheese appetizer, my belly was happily stuffed but Jake had only eaten half of his steak and vacantly stared at the rest.

I extended my foot under the table and rubbed his shin. His eyes flipped right up to mine and the table candlelight flickered reflections off his dark irises. When he offered a tight smile, I knew without a word he felt their Dad's loss. My foot rubbed a little harder with what I hoped looked like a sympathetic look and his smile softened.

"That," Ellie murmured and wagged a finger between us. "What's that mean?"

"I don't know," I confessed honestly and tilted my head slightly sideways at Jake. "Guess we should talk about it."

He silently followed me outside the restaurant, outside and into an open courtyard with a large, quatrefoil-shaped fountain made out of tan-colored stone and whose center spire mirrored the one in the nearby swimming pool. Large palm trees stood overhead, whose palms softly blew in the wind.

Jake and I sat down on the edge of the fountain, close enough for a quiet conversation but not touching. He folded his hands in his lap and tucked his chin down. My head dipped and I leaned forwards at the very soft, shaky breaths he released. Within a blink, my hand found his and I wrapped both of mine over top of his.

My fingers barely wrapped around the back of his hand but I squeezed it gently and guessed, "Your dad?"

He nodded without a look up so I moved on my own and scooted right into his lap. My hands reached up around his neck, where I hugged my chest against his. His hands parted quickly and wrapped around my waist. Dampness brushed over my shoulder from his cheek felt damp when he leaned down and tucked his chin over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Warmth flowed between us as he hugged me for a few raspy breaths. Only the soft sound of the fountain's water splatters surrounded us as we sat with my elbows squeezed around his neck and his hands gripped tightly into my sides.

"Thanks," he mumbled and pulled back.

"If you want to talk about it," I replied quietly. "I'll listen."

"Talking is the last thing I want to do," he admitted and slid his eyes closed.

I rubbed my fingers over his cheek, dried, and the rough, sandpaper-like texture of his jaw and studied his eyes. My heart pumped wildly in my chest, which raced my pulse through my veins as our surroundings blurred.

When Jake opened his eyes, the dulled, vacant look he wore earlier was gone, replaced with warm, rich, dark brown tones. They darkened the longer he looked at me and drew me in.

My own eyes fluttered closed as I tipped my chin up and pressed my lips against his.