She was still so in love with Ethan.

She always had been. She had never stopped loving him in all this time.

There was red hot love in her hate. There was sorrowful love in her pain and her hurt. There was silver glimmering love in the two years she had spent away from him. There was panicked, scared love when she'd seen him again. There was purple buzzing love in the way he had touched her again.

He hadn't just touched her. He had nudged her soul, bringing her back to life.

She slid to the floor pathetically, her legs giving out from under her. She hid her face behind her hands, her back against the cool marble of the counter as she tried to get her breathing in order.

She inhaled and exhaled, focused on the rhythm of her breaths but nothing worked. The slowly building panic attack racked the side of her skull.

"Oh god," she whispered, blinking twice to get rid of the two white dots in her vision.

Her breathing was completely out of control and she gave up trying to regain control, letting herself hyperventilate.

She saw him through blurry vision, sitting down beside her. She felt a warm pressure on her lower back, saw his lips moving but there was static in her ears.

She grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer before her lips were on his. She felt nothing for a moment, only more difficulty when she tried to breathe but then he kissed her back.

It was warm and breathless and everything she had ever wanted. Her vision cleared and the static subsided.

She realized she was sitting on his lap. His hand remained on her lower back but his kiss was hungry, dangerous, all-consuming.

"No," she managed to gasp out. "Stop. Ethan, stop."

He obliged almost immediately, pulling away from her to give her space.

She scooted down from his lap and towards the other corner. It wasn't far enough. She got up on shaky legs and took a few steps back.

What had she done? How was she supposed to get back from this?

She loved him but there was no way she was going to tell him that. She needed to bury her feelings back in the box they were trapped in before.

He'd only push her away if he knew the truth. It didn't matter if him caring for her and saying all those painfully beautiful things was an act or not. It didn't matter how desperately he wanted her, she wasn't going to risk it. She couldn't hand her heart over to him once again and wait for him to shatter it into bleeding, glittering shards.

"I want you to leave," she finally said and her voice cracked.

Silence followed her words. The heavy, suffocating sort of silence.

"No," he replied and his voice seemed to echo off the walls.

"It wasn't a request."

"Lia, I am not leaving. Not until I get my answers."

She gritted her teeth and managed to meet his eyes. She saw her own frustration reflected in him.

"What do you want to know? Let's just get this over with today."

"Why did you kiss me?"

"I was having a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't thinking straight and I needed a distraction. That was all the kiss was."

"You're such a pain in the ass, you know," he said, his pitch getting higher with each word.

"Then why are you here? Why not leave like I've been asking you to for the past hour? Just leave. Make this easier for both of us before I throw something at you."

"Because I fucking can't. I can't leave. If I was able to, don't you think I would have by now? I would have walked away and never looked back."

"Do it then. You'll make my life so much better. What the fuck is stopping you? Walk away, Ethan," she yelled, eyes burning with a challenge.

She didn't wanted him to walk away but she also didn't wanted him to stay.

"You. You are the one stopping me. I can't walk away from you. I tried once and it ruined my life. I can't live without you because I fucking love you."

She stared at him dumbfoundedly, like she hadn't gone a little insane each day just to hear him say those words.

Now, she just wanted him to take them back. She couldn't handle another panic attack.

"Don't say that," she whispered, shaking her head frantically.

"Don't say that," she said, a little louder now. "You don't even know the meaning of those words." She spat.

"It's true. I don't. I don't know what that word means. All I know is that it looks like you and it feels warm, like that time I hugged you and you held onto me like you might not hate me. Lia, love is you. So fucking infuriating and with that murderous gleam in your eye but it's you. And love is the breaths I take. I will stop existing if I don't have that. If I don't have you."

She was listening but not quite believing. Because no matter what excuses she made, no matter what she forced her mind and heart to believe, this was the truth.

She could see it in his eyes. This was his truth. He loved her.

The reasons, the excuses, the fears, everything fell away. Or maybe she just grew numb. Numb enough to escape the truth.

"You said this was a game for me. It's not, Lia. It's so far from it. If it was a game, I wouldn't have been going insane. I would have been able to get over you. Do you think I love this? Feeling this insatiable need, this desperation. It's fucking torture. If I was able to, I would have walked away all those years ago."

"You are so impossible," she said, walking towards him with quick steps. There were no doubts, no fear.

She knew it would all come crashing back once she got over the adrenaline of the moment but she could deal with it later. Right now, she was blissfully free of the echoes in her mind.

"That's all you have to say? I..." he paused, running a hand through his hair. His frustration shone through his eyes.

"This is stupid. You're never going to believe me. I know I have given you no reason to..."

She was too close now but he hadn't even noticed, too caught up in the need to explain everything to her.

As if something as complicated as feelings could ever be compressed into a few simple sentences.

She got on her toes and yanked him down by his collar before she slammed her lips against his.

He went still as she continued to kiss him. When he finally came back to his senses, his hands found the back of her neck, pressing her further into him, deepening the kiss.

He felt just as she remembered. Strong, warm and a little surreal. Like stardust and wishing wells in stories of her childhood.

She smelled his perfume, still the same as two years ago. It smelled of petrichor with undertones of vanilla.

His hand slid down her neck, exploring every inch of her. He touched her in ways no one had dared to. He grabbed her ass and she moaned as he hoisted her on the countertop. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

She moaned as he harshly bit down on her lower lip, the sensation electrifying.

She felt his erection press against her inner thigh.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked, a little dazed.

She saw the crazed, lustful look in his eyes. Like he wanted to consume her whole, devour her until she was covered in his marks. Just to let the whole world know who she belonged to.

"Yes," she whispered. "Don't give me time to doubt it."

A/N: Double update because these three chapters are meant to be read together for the best experience