AMELIA STARED AT THE house in front of her, brown peeling paint, large windows and bad memories.

Her mother had made an effort to decorate it. As if the fairy lights and the green and red wreaths could put a veil on the hideousness that lived inside.

She could see the living room from one of the windows, illuminated by a golden glow.

From the outside, it looked like the perfect home with a beautiful family. The mother and father must have decorated it for Christmas, there must be warm food inside and lots of love to go around.

She scoffed, trying to calm her frantic heart.

The last time she'd been here, it hadn't ended well and she felt anxiety coursing through her at the thought. She took a deep breath.

It'll be okay, she told herself. She wasn't going to do anything stupid this time.

She knocked twice. The door was pulled open a minute later and her mother stood there with a smile on her face. A smile that made her eyes wrinkle at the edges, the rare smile of her childhoods, the one Amelia had grown to miss so desperately.

Her dark hair was pulled back in a bun and she looked younger. She looked healthier, better. Her cheeks were full, her clothes clean, her hair shiny. 

"You look good," she blurted out and her mother beamed at her.

"Thank you. And thanks for coming, Am," she said before pulling her into a hug.

Amelia froze, unsure of how to respond to that. She settled for patting her back awkwardly.

"Is everyone here?" she asked as she stepped inside.

She stuttered to a stop. This wasn't the house of her childhood. This was someplace else entirely. 

Her house was cold, filled with banging doors and too loud arguments

This house was clean and warm, brimming with the Christmas magic. There were no take out wrappers or beer bottles anywhere. Something was cooking in the kitchen, probably pie? The warm smell of it engulfed every corner of the living room.

This wasn't her house but this was the home she'd always wanted and dreamed of. 

She closed her eyes and pushed the sudden wave of anger back. She should be happy for her mother. She should be happy that she was doing well.

But what had she done that this version of Lily hasn't been her mother? What had she done to deserve all her neglect and frustration but never her love?

"Dani's in his room. He's been waiting for you both." 

Amelia nodded, somewhat numbly as she walked towards the narrow corridor leading to the rooms. 

She pushed open the door of Dani's room to find him sitting cross legged on the bed, indulged in his phone.

He let out a little dramatic gasp of excitement on seeing her.

He bounded towards her with long steps, enveloping her in a hug.

She laughed against him. He was younger than Amelia but he'd always been a few inches taller.

"I missed you, Daniel," she said, ruffling up his dark hair as he pulled back from the hug.

"I missed you too," he grinned.

"That's why you never picked up any of our group calls?" Amelia questioned, eyebrows raised.

He groaned, falling back on his bed. "I've been so crazy busy with work and the side business and Sarah and between all of that, I just couldn't find the time. But I talked to Jo last night."

"I saw the missed call. I went to bed early."

"How's Sarah? How's the business going?" Their mother asked, standing at the door frame, smiling at them.

They hadn't even noticed her there.

Daniel's smile vanished and his eyes hardened. Amelia reached out and patted his closed fist twice. He relaxed, fists uncurling ever so slightly.

"She's good. Everything's going good," he answered. Even if it was through gritted teeth and hate filled eyes.

"Jo said she'll be here in fifteen minutes," she informed them and they both nodded.

"Lily," Daniel said, noticing her trying to step inside, "How about you let us both catch up?"

He was calm and he'd tried to stay respectful, which was more than she'd expected from him. 

Mom's face was a hard line but she nodded nevertheless, leaving them alone.

"How is Sarah?" Amelia asked, her voice going a notch down.

"She's okay. I wanted to bring her today but I didn't know what to expect so I didn't take the risk.."

"I understand," she said. "But she looks good, right? Better than we've ever seen her."

He shrugged.

"She does but the night has only just begun. Don't get your hopes up. I'm sure she'll have a surprise for us and it'll ruin all of her efforts tonight."

She groaned. He was right. 

"I hope you're wrong. For her sake."

"I hope so too."

"How's everything else going?" she asked

"Work's bad. Long hours, not enough pay, shitty people. That's why I'm trying to put more focus on the side business."

"And how's that working?"

"It's hard. But I think once I can make it stand on its own, it'll be great."

"You will make it work. I know you will. You're one stubborn ass," she said, offering him an encouraging shove.

He laughed and she realized suddenly how much she'd missed her baby brother.

"Sooo," Dani began, looking at her mischievously and Amelia held back a groan.

"Jo told you?" she laughed.

"She did. You are living one hell of a dramatic life, Am."

"Trust me, it's not very fun."

"Oh really? Two men going crazy over you and it's not fun?"

"Eww, Daniel. And it's not like that," she wrinkled up her nose, smacking his arm.

"What happened to Alex?" 

She sighed. It had been a month since Alex had left and this was the first time she'd gathered the courage to dress up and leave her apartment. Work and then back home had been her routine for the entire month.

"I asked the other guy..."

"Ethan?"

"Yes. I asked him to make sure that Alex found a decent job and a place to live after he left the apartment."

"And he did that?"

"He did. He has crazy contacts and sources."

"Is he harassing you in any way, Am?" Daniel asked, brows furrowed with concern.

"No, he's not. What makes you ask that?"

"Nothing specific. I was just making sure."

"No, he's not harassing me. He's being persistent and annoying but I don't know."

"You are interested in him." It was more a statement than a question and Amelia fell back against the mattress.

"He's wrong. Alex was good and he's the complete opposite. You'll understand what I mean if you ever meet him. He's rude and mean and inconsiderate of other people. I shouldn't like him, right?"

"Is he all that to you?"

She thought back to when they were bound by that contract. He was all that and more. Still, there were glimpses of his heart, so rare but that was what had made her fall in love. 

She thought back to now. The softness in his eyes everytime he looked at her, the way he'd held her for hours while she'd cried and then held her still while she slept. How he called to check up on her every once in a while even though she was nothing but rude to him.

She didn't know what his intentions were or how long this softness would last but she answered anyway.

"No. No, he's not."

"Well, then, it doesn't really matter."

"Even thinking about him feels like I'm betraying Alex. He was good. He was so good to me," she confessed.

"He was. I liked him but you know, Lily fucked us up. We can't bear good things. We push them away because we feel like we don't deserve them. Also because they might never be able to understand the dark parts of us and they might end up hating us for it. While the already messed up ones, well, they know. They understand us so we're always attracted to them."

"It sucks."

"It does. But what I want to say is don't let anyone treat you any less than what you deserve just because you're a little messed up. Even if this Ethan guy is a little messed up but he treats you well, then he's good. Otherwise you ditch him and run in the opposite direction, okay?"

She laughed, nodding her head. She really needed this. To hear that it might not be so bad if her heart was stuck up on that one person.

"Do you ever feel like running away from Sarah?" She asked and Daniel blew a breath, falling next to her, eyes on the peeling white ceiling above them.

"Honestly? Yes. All the damn time. Because she deserves so so much better. But then I force myself to stand still and I tell myself that she chose me so I'm going to make myself better for her. I'm still working on that. I'll keep working until I stop feeling like I have to run."

"Wow. Who would have thought you'd grow up to be so sensible," she said, suddenly a little emotional.

He laughed, nudging her playfully. "You raised me well."

She laughed, inhaling sharply to keep the tears back.

Daniel rolled on his side, watching her intently. "What is it?"

"What if Alex was the one for me and what if I only let him go because of this running away thing?" She asked, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"He wasn't." His reply came too fast.

"How can you know that?" Amelia questioned, turning on her side as well so that she could see his face.

He shrugged. "Because if he was, you'd have been so caught up in the pain of losing him, you wouldn't have given this Ethan guy another  thought."