warnings: graphic male x male rape scene
starts and ends when you see these: ~~~

present

BILLY.

I closed the master bedroom door that led into the main room of our hotel and I leaned back against it as I closed my eyes. I couldn't do anything about the situation at hand, even though I could get my lawyers involved, but that wouldn't erase anything that had happened today. I tried to act tough in front of Alice and while giving my short, and probably stupid, statement to the media, but actually I was crumbling from within. There was nothing I could ever do that would stop that video of Alice and I from circulating around. Luckily, it was only a theory that Alice was my female counterpart in the video, but I was still exposed for the whole world to see. If I wasn't as big as I was in the media, this whole thing wouldn't be that big of an issue. But I was an "icon," or whatever you want to call it. You could see my fucking face throughout the entire video, and even if it did get taken off of the internet, people still probably saved it to their phones or laptops or whatever they may have for when that does take place.

I opened my eyes and looked to the ceiling for a few moments as slow and hot tears made their way down my face.

I slowly pulled my figure from off of the door and walked gradually towards the small refrigerator within the kitchen complex of our hotel room. Upon reaching the refrigerator, I pulled open the door and stared at the mini bottles of vodka and other forms of alcohol within the doors of the refrigerator. I grabbed as many mini bottles of alcohol as I could carry and slowly made my way to the smaller bedroom on the other side of the hotel room, closing the door with my back as I leaned against it.

I held back a sob as I slid down the door to where I was sitting while setting the bottles of alcohol beside me. That was when I started to let it all out.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms on top of them as I buried my face in my arms and sobbed. My body shook as I screamed my sobs into my sleeves, hopefully not disturbing Alice. Even if she heard me, I undoubtedly believed that she would leave me alone for a while, but I could care less if she was here right now or not. I was falling apart because my biggest fear had just been leaked for the whole world to see, and now I was the newest poster boy for leaked celebrity sex tapes.

I cried into my sleeves for a few more moments before picking my head up from my arms and glancing at the bottles of alcohol that were laid beside me. I twisted off the cap on one of the mini bottles of Grey Goose and put the bottle up to my lips as I chugged it. I downed the whole bottle and threw it on the floor beside me as I leaned my head against the door and sobbed.

I felt violated. I felt used. It was like being tortured for all of those months all over again, but now everyone knew about it instead of just people I trusted. Who the Hell knows the kind of shit I was going to get for this now. Not only was Vinny my attacker, but it was Austin now too. And everybody else. Everyone knew.

I whimpered as I bit my lip to keep myself from screaming. I couldn't even go out in public without people giving me looks now. I couldn't even leave the hotel without people probably coming up to me and telling me how sorry they were for what happened to me. I couldn't even leave the room without people telling me that I deserved it. Maybe I did. Maybe I deserved all of it.

I meant something to people, whether I accepted that or not, but they didn't know my whole story. They only knew me as: Billy Redford, the twenty five year old billionaire! Billy Redford, the son of Tommy Redford! Billy Redford, the egotistical, emo kid who gets all his money from daddy!

But no one who reads that shit knows truly who I am. No one knows the real me. The only people who know who I really am are Alice, Austin, Matt, and Kellan. The rest of the people I know are just contacts that are business related.

But now, everyone who thought they knew who I was will only remember me as: Billy Redford, the guy who got raped when he was in high school by his step dad! Billy Redford, the billionaire who couldn't even use his money to stop his sex tape from being released! Billy Redford? Yeah, I've seen his dick too! Billy Redford, Austin DeLaurence's and Vinny Gillinger's bitch.

I slowly grabbed my phone from when I had set it beside me along with the bottles of alcohol, and I unlocked it to see pages full of missed texts, calls, emails- everything. I didn't bother to look at them, because what was the point? I already knew what everyone was texting me.

Billy, I'm so sorry about what happened!
Billy! Oh my God! Please tell me you're ok!
Billy, I'm so glad you're ok. I'm sorry about what happened.
I hope Vinny and Austin rot in Hell.

I didn't even have to read the texts to know what people were saying, because if something like that happened to someone that I barely talked to and was only involved in business with, I'd be sending them the same shit.

I unlocked my phone and pressed the internet browser icon, only to see my face looking back at me with numerous articles about what had happened today. There were articles with screen caps from my sex tape explaining the theories as to why it had been released. Some theories were that the girl in the video was an ex-girlfriend of mine, and that she wanted to ruin me. Others said that I released the video myself.

I scrolled past the articles about the video and glanced at the articles about my months of abuse from Vinny. Some news outlets explained the situation very well and were on my side and said that it should've been my decision on whether or not I wanted my past released to the media. Other outlets thrived off of my abuse. Some even said that it was in fact my fault and that I deserved it for being a dick to people for so many years, and that I deserved it from letting my mother and Vinny live in poverty for so many years while I kept the money hidden.

And then I did what I had been fretting but also dying to do.

I looked up my own sex tape.

The video showed up at the top of my screen along with reaction videos to it, which I tried not to look at while I pressed the icon showing my naked body on top of Alice.

The video began to play, which I didn't even need to see because I had already seen the video and I was fucking there. I paused the video and scrolled down so I could see how many people had seen it, and when I saw the amount of views that continuously spiked up as I stared at the screen, I almost vomited. There was twenty million views on my sex tape. I refreshed the page and within that short few seconds that the page refreshed, the number had spiked up to twenty five million.

I scrolled down even farther so I could read some of the things that people were saying about me and the "mystery girl." With every one comment that pitied me, about a hundred more degrading comments followed.

My stomach was in knots as I read some of the things that people were saying. One commenter said, "Billy Redford's got some fucking moves! I wish he'd slam me against my wall and do that to me!"

Another said, "Wow! I guess billionaires do use penis enhancement pills. It's either that or he's just shoved all of his dad's money into his dick and it continued growing."

Comment after comment I scrolled through and each one brought me closer and closer to just vomiting all over the floor. People were talking about: how they wanted to fuck me in various kinds of ways; how they wanted me to fuck them like I did to the "girl" in the video; my dick size; how loud the two of us were; how they wished I'd shove my face in between their legs- and a lot of other gross and disgusting shit that guaranteed I wouldn't be looking at myself naked in the mirror for a while.

I scrolled a little farther and even found comments that weren't talking about my body or Alice's at all. One read, "This is all fucking Sebastian Stan's fault. If he had never met Alice then Billy would've never gone through all of this shit and the two of them would be happy." Not exactly true, but I agree with the first part, at least some of it.

Another person said, "If Sebastian Stan or whatever the fuck his name is never met Alice then she'd be happy somewhere and away from all of this bullshit!" I agreed with that one.

Someone else said, "Who the actual fuck even is that Sebastian guy and why do people feel the need to side with him on this bullshit? He knew that he was a celebrity and since he met Alice at one point, and I'm guessing they met on the plane because they both lived in New fucking York, he should've took note of her fragile state. Even I could see when I saw the article that TMZ released that she looked terrified and didn't want her face to be seen. Who the actual fuck does he think he is? Does he get off on ruining people's lives and seeing them and their friends get hurt and violated? Because if so, I'm done with all this Marvel bullshit. Find new fucking actors that care about people and their well being, because I'm out until then." That one brought a small smile to my face.

But the next comment I saw shattered my mind all over again. I felt violated, way more than the previous comments that talked about how people wanted me to fuck them. It made me stare at my phone and keep rereading it over and over as memories filled my mind. And it wasn't even that long of a comment. A few fucking words broke me.

"Lmao. Next move should be releasing a video of Vinny fucking the living shit out of Billy. That shit gets me hard just thinking about it."

I slammed my head against the door again and sobbed as my eyes screwed shut. I threw my phone at the queen size bed and buried my face in my sleeves as my body trembled.

See, Billy? You did deserve it. You always told yourself that you deserved it, and now everyone's just agreeing with you.

"Shut up," I whispered as I buried my face farther into my sleeves.

You can't unread any of that shit, Billy. Look at what everyone's saying about you! Did you see that one comment referring to what Vinny did to you? I'll read it out for you: I wish Billy would shove his cock down my throat just like Vinny did to him.

"Shut up," I whimpered into my knees as I brought my hands to my ears.

Remember that phase you went through, Billy? Remember when you tried every drug imaginable just to shut me up? Remember how it didn't work, Billy? You remember that? It only made me louder.

"Please," I whimpered as I began rocking my body back and forth, my back hitting the door every time.

Remember the first time you really shut me up, Billy? Do you remember when-

"Shut up!" I screamed as sobs escaped my throat.

I rested my head against the door after a few moments of silence. My eyes closed as my chin tilted down as tears leaked down my face. I took off my jacket and used it to wipe my eyes and my nose, not caring about all of the disgusting residue that was now plastered on the leather.

I slowly stood up from my seat on the floor and walked to the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom, turning the bathroom light on as I did so.

I stood in front of the mirror for a few moments just staring at myself. I looked broken. I looked like someone who just overdosed on heroin but came back to life. That's how disgusting I looked.

I set my jacket down on the bathroom counter as I stared at my reflection in the sink. My hands were placed on either side of the sink as I continued staring at my reflection. I spit into the sink before glancing back at myself in the mirror, which caused my heart to stop.

"You can't shut me out, Billy. Not again," he murmured as he stared at me through the reflection of the mirror. "Remember what happened when you did?"

I continued to stare at him through the mirror, silent tears sliding down my face as my mouth was left agape.

"Y'know, you're lucky you haven't told anyone about the other half of that rape story, Billy," he sighed. "Because then you'd really be on the verge of killing yourself."

"Shut up," I whispered as I remained eye contact with him.

He chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. "You can't make me go away, Billy. I've been with you for a long time. Remember the day that you went off on me and told me to fuck off? Remember that, Billy?" He chuckled again as he shook his head. "I'm just kidding, man. Of course you remember. If you didn't then I wouldn't be here."

I sobbed as I tilted my head down while screwing my eyes shut.

"Oh, Billy," he sighed as he walked closer to me, appearing on my left side. I looked over to him. "I'm just another thing that's all your fault."

I picked up my jacket and screamed into it as I bent over, trying my best to get my shit together. He was right. I never doubted him. It was all my fault. There was no one else to blame except me.

I backed up into the wall and slid down it. I bent my knees as I sat down and stared into open space as he continued talking.

He sat next to me. "Just say it, Billy," he whispered. "Say it for everyone to hear, and then I'll leave you alone."

"You already know what I'm thinking," I mumbled as I glanced over at him. I began sobbing again. "And I'm sorry."

"Oh, Billy. I wish I could accept your apology, but I'm not actually here," he mumbled as he shrugged his shoulders. He then pointed to my head. "I'm up here."

I swallowed as I contained yet another sob. I leaned my head back against the wall with my eyes shut and tried to zone his words out, but it didn't work completely. Instead it just brought back everything about that day. About those months. About those years. He was my only friend. The only person who truly ever cared about me back then.

And I was the reason for his suicide.

——
flashback

Johnny and I were walking home from school again today, just like everyday, and we walked to the same playground that we always had and sat on the swings. The playground was apart of the city, but it also wasn't. It was never populated with a lot of people, unlike Central Park, but it still had small shops and whatnot surrounding it on all sides of the streets.

I clutched my Polaroid camera in hand as I snapped a picture of an elderly couple walking down the path in front of us.

I held the picture out in front of me as it developed and smiled at the way it turned out.

My mom had bought me the camera on my birthday, but only because Vinny was there. She wanted to impress him and showed she actually cared about her son, but he could've cared less that it was my birthday. He just wanted to get drunk and then eat all of my birthday cake, but I didn't care. I finally had the one thing that I had always wanted, but never knew where to buy one: a Polaroid camera.

I had been into photography for as long as I could remember. When my mother would be finished reading her magazines when I was a child, I would always grab them and go lay on the couch and gaze at all of the beautiful pictures. It didn't matter what they were of. I thought they were all beautiful.

"Let me see it!" Johnny exclaimed as he leaned over in his swing to see the picture.

I held it away from him as I leaned as far away from him in my swing as I could while giggling. "No! It's embarrassing," I laughed.

Johnny chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Y'know, if you wanna take pictures of, like, nature or something instead of taking pictures of people as they pass by and get weird looks, we can go somewhere else," he said. He shrugged his shoulders as he added on, "Unless you wanna he known as the creepy stalker kid at the park."

I swatted him on the arm as I laughed. "Where would we even go?"

Johnny smirked at me. "I know a place," he mumbled.

Thirty minutes later, we were in some small forest in the back of a rundown subdivision.

"Jesus," I sighed as I looked up while spinning around slowly. "It's beautiful."

"I know my way around," Johnny said as he smirked.

I rolled my eyes as I began taking pictures of everything that surrounded me. I took pictures of the trees, the birds, the sky, the bugs, the animals- everything. Every photo I took captivated me more than the last one did.

I handed the pictures to Johnny to hold as I continued to take more, and he held them gently while gazing around at his surroundings.

I turned to look at him and he was a few feet away, gazing out at the sunset through the trees.

As quietly as I could, I walked over to be lined up with his back but still a good enough distance away to get a good picture. I held the camera up as I took a photo of him looking out at the sunset, and I smiled when it developed looking perfect.

I was staring at the photo with my head tilted down for so long that I didn't hear or see Johnny walking over to me.

"That's a good one," he said, causing my to jerk my head up in shock.

"Jesus Christ," I sighed as I rubbed my forehead. "You scared the living fuck out of me."

Johnny giggled and tried taking the picture out of my hand, causing me to move my hand back a little ways.

"C'mon, Redford. I only got to see part of it," he insisted as he flashed me a pleading look.

I flashed him a nervous look before slowly handing the picture to him. I rubbed the back of my head nervously as he looked it over for the first time fully.

Johnny flashed me a smile. "I love it," he murmured.

My face lit up as a wide grin took form, only for it to change into a nervous smile once again.

Johnny studied my face before placing his hand on my shoulder as he got closer to me, our faces only separated by a few inches of open air. "Don't be so nervous, Billy," he murmured with a reassuring smile.

I remained eye contact with him as I studied his eyes. Johnny didn't have blue or green eyes, like others thought were "beautiful." He had brown eyes that reflected a bit of gold in them when you got close, just as close as I was. They matched his tanned skin perfectly, and they made his smile pop along with his dimples.

Johnny started inching himself closer to me, causing me to have a mental breakdown while also feeling surges of happiness flow through me. I wasn't completely gay, I knew that, because I had had many crushes on girls over the years too. But I always pushed my thoughts about guys away. I always tried to hide them because I was scared of my own mind and how I would react to myself thinking those thoughts. So, I buried my sexuality for as long as I could.

And now, Johnny Starson, my best friend since elementary, is about to kiss me.

I closed the gap between us as my lips crashed onto his, my arms wrapping around his neck as I pulled him closer. My camera was still in my hand, but I didn't care. I wasn't really thinking too much about it. I was just relishing in the moment.

Johnny kissed me back with as much passion as I was hoping to deliver into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around my torso and pulled me closer. He began walking forward, causing me to step back until my back was up against the trunk of a tree.

Johnny cupped the back of my neck as he pulled my face even closer into his, our lips molding perfectly with one another as the kiss continued.

I grabbed his hair with one of my hands and tangled my fingers in it, causing him to let out a low moan which practically made my knees give out.

After a few more minutes of our very heated makeout session, Johnny pulled away slowly and sighed with a huge smile on his face. I giggled as I breathed in oxygen rapidly, my face probably as red as a tomato.

Johnny softly grabbed the camera out of my hand and held it up to face me.

"What are you doing?" I giggled as I tried reaching out for the camera.

"Hold still, Dumbass. You look cute with your face all flushed," he said as he continued to point the camera at me.

I only smiled back as my eyes shifted to look at a spot somewhere in the sky and to the right of him.

Johnny took the photo and held it out for me to see. "See? Told you that you looked cute," Johnny exclaimed as I gazed at the photo of me. My face was flushed in the photo and a smile was on my face as I looked somewhere off in the distance.

"Your turn," I mumbled before grabbing the camera out of his hand with a chuckle.

"I have a better idea," he said with a smirk. He then turned the camera to where it was facing us. "Take the picture...now!" He exclaimed as he placed a kiss on my cheek, causing me to giggle as I took the photo.

Johnny pulled away from my cheek and wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we watched the photo develop.

"You look so happy," he murmured as he gazed at the photo before turning to face me.

I smiled back before nervously giggling. "I'm always happy around you," I murmured.

Johnny scoffed and sighed dramatically. "Don't get all sappy on me now, Redford. That's not the Billy I know," he exclaimed as he screwed up his face in sarcastic disgust, causing me to burst out laughing.

"Shut up," I mumbled as I softly pushed his shoulder.

Johnny smirked at me as he said, "Make me."

My eyes lit up as a goofy grin came over my face. "And you say that I'm sappy," I exclaimed as I pointed at him. "You're no different, Starson."

Johnny rolled his eyes before shutting me up by kissing me, causing me to sigh into the kiss, which then prompted him to slip his tongue into my mouth. My eyes rolled back as his tongue explored my mouth while I gripped the sides of his shirt, bringing his hips closer.

Johnny suddenly stepped back and smirked. "And that's how you get a Redford to shut up."

**

After about another half an hour of us hanging out in the small forest and kissing one another when the other wasn't expecting it, we began our walk back to our separate houses.

Johnny and I lived in the same subdivision of older, slightly rundown homes, but on complete opposite sides. My house was the closest to the school out of the two of our houses, so Johnny always met me outside of my house before school, and I was always the first one home after school.

Johnny had handed me all of my photos back that I had taken of the forest and everything within it, which then prompted me to shove all of the photos inside of my camera case. I even placed the photo of Johnny in front of the sunset in the case gently, along with the photo of Johnny kissing my cheek.

The walk to our subdivision was filled with nervous giggles and stolen kisses as our hands continued to brush against one another's. The darkness of the night hid us from anyone who may be lurking in the distance, which calmed me as we continued to keep pressing kisses all over each other's faces when the other wasn't looking.

Finally, we stopped in front of my house. I stood in my driveway staring back at Johnny as he walked backwards goofily while smirking at me. He then turned around and shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked farther away, a little skip in his step.

I chuckled as I glanced back at him one last time before unlocking my front door.

I walked in to see my mom and Vinny mumbling about something in the small living room. They cast me quick glances before reverting back to their conversation, causing me to walk to my room without hesitation.

I closed the door to my room as I stepped inside while sighing with a goofy grin on my face.

I pulled the pictures out of my camera case and stared at them for a few moments before picking up my mattress off of the box springs and placing the photos there where I hid my other "pictures" that I didn't want my family finding. Underneath my mattress, there were magazines of both partly and fully naked women, and magazines of the same nature full of men. I had stolen some of the men's magazines from Johnny's sister, Kelly, a little while back, but she didn't need to know.

I had finished shoving the pictures under my mattress and placing the mattress back in place perfectly when my mother called my name.

"Yes?" I called back as I stared at my closed door.

"Can you come here for a second, Sweetie?" She called, prompting me to open the door to my room and walk to where I heard her voice come from.

I walked into the kitchen to see my mother and Vinny at the kitchen table. My mother was sitting in one of the chairs while Vinny was leaning beside the empty chair next to her while giving me a look of...anger?

I walked towards them cautiously and my mother motioned for me to sit in the empty chair beside her. I sat in the chair and looked at her with a confused look on my face.

"What's going on?" I asked as I looked between her and Vinny. She was sitting on my left while Vinny was leaning against the table on my right.

My mother didn't say anything as she slammed my purple credit card down on the table.

"So?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong is that I logged into your bank account earlier to put some money into your account so you could have some to go out with your friends, and I find that you don't even need my money," she snarled. "Because you have fucking millions, Billy. You've been hiding twenty fucking million dollars from us while we're living in this shithole and barely even able to afford it."

I gulped as I looked between her and Vinny. "I wanted to tell you," I murmured, causing her to roll her eyes at me. "But D-Dad made me sign a contract an-"

"Just shut up already," she murmured as she took another swig from the rum in her glass. "You've said enough."

"I-I'm sorry," I murmured as I leaned towards her. "I really am, bu-"

I was cut off by Vinny slapping my face from behind me, causing me to snap around and glare at him as I rubbed my cheek.

"What the Hell?" I yelled back.

"Don't talk to him like that, Billy," my mother snarled. "He's actually helping pay the bills unlike your sorry ass."

My head snapped back to her gaze. "I already told you, mom! I co-"

I was interrupted by Vinny yanking me out of my seat by my hair, causing me to cry out in pain.

"You worthless piece of shit," Vinny growled. "Do you know everything your mother and I do for you? Do you?"

I glared at him as I replied, "I know you guys drink all your problems away and then pass out on the fucking floor."

Vinny pulled me down the hall by my hair and I watched my mother as he dragged me behind him. She simply watched as she raised the glass to her lips and sipped at her rum.

"What the Hell are you doing?" I yelled as I tried pulling his hand from my hair, only for him to grip on it harder.

Suddenly, he spun us around and pushed me onto my bed, causing the mattress to move and the pictures to fall to the ground along with the magazines.

"What's this?" He asked as he picked up the magazine of naked women.

I began shuffling with the pictures on the ground before he stopped me.

He snatched the pictures out of my hand along with the magazine I had been trying to hide, causing my heart to practically burst out of my chest.

"Huh," he murmured as he held up a photo while squinting at it. He shoved the picture in front of my face. "What the fuck is this, Billy?"

I gulped as my eyes were staring back at myself giggling while Johnny was kissing me on the cheek.

"Is this what you go out and do with that boy who lives in our subdivision?" He asked as he set the photo on my nightstand. "I see you guys are fond of taking pictures of each other," he stated as he held out two more pictures for me to see. One was of Johnny standing in front of the sunset, and the other was me smiling while looking off into the distance, my face flushed from our kiss.

My breathing began to speed up as he set those two pictures on my nightstand as well. He threw all my other pictures on the ground and held the magazine in front of his face.

"It even smells like cum," he murmured as he flipped through the pages.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he flipped through the pages of naked men, a stray tear escaping my eye from how nervous I was.

Vinny's eyes snapped to mine. "Take your faggot eyes off of me, Boy," he growled, causing my eyes to gaze upon my feet.

I whimpered as he threw the magazine on the ground and grabbed my chin with his large, grimy fingers as he tilted my head to meet his stare.

"Is this the kinda shit you get off on, Billy?" He growled, causing a whimper to leave my lips. "Answer me!"

I stuttered as I responded, "N-no."

"Then why the fuck is that boy kissing you, huh? Why is there a magazine hidden under your bed that smells like cum, Billy?" He yelled as he held my chin even tighter.

I whimpered as a sob escaped my lips while I screwed my eyes shut.

"I didn't raise you to be a faggot, Billy," he snapped.

I slowly opened my eyes to meet his. "You didn't even raise me," I whispered.

~~~

Vinny's eyes stared angrily back at mine before he grabbed my shoulders and flipped me over to where my face was planted into the mattress. He pulled my hips out so I was now bent over the bed awkwardly.

"We'll just see how gay you are after this," he murmured as I heard him unzipping his pants.

"No," I whimpered repeatedly as I tried swatting him away with my hands.

Vinny punched my back, causing me to let out a silent cry of pain as my mouth was left open. I heard him settle onto his knees behind me, resulting in me crying out for my mom, which she didn't answer.

Vinny punched my back again and I let out a muffled sob into my mattress. He grabbed the waistline of my jeans and pulled them down to stop right before my knees.

"Even your ass looks gay," Vinny muttered from behind me as he started jerking himself off.

I tried looking behind me but he took his freehand and shoved my face into the mattress.

"I don't wanna see your fucking face, Billy," he said as he removed his hand from my head. "At least from back here you look like a woman," he mumbled darkly.

I whimpered into the mattress as I gripped the sheets harder, trying to muffle my sobs for what was to come.

"This can be a little game we play, Billy," he mumbled as I felt the tip of his cock rest against my ass. "It can be called: Let's See How Gay Billy is Today."

Vinny then slammed himself into me, causing me to scream into the mattress because of the throbbing pain I felt that soared throughout my entire body.

"You're tight as fuck, Billy," he mumbled in pleasure as he slowly pulled himself out of me, resulting in me whimpering into the mattress. "You're even tighter than your mom," he muttered as he slammed himself into me again, causing me to scream into the mattress as tears coated the sheets.

~~~
**

After he was done with me, I waited for a few moments after I heard his footsteps disappear down the hall before I stumbled into the hall myself and immediately turned to the right to where the bathroom was.

I slammed the bathroom door shut and lurched over the toilet as I puked my guts out, my pants still at my knees. My chest heaved as I threw up purely my own stomach acid and water. After a few minutes of my chest dry heaving as I coughed into the toilet, I flushed the toilet and tried sitting down, only for immense amounts of pain to be shot through my body.

I slowly stood up from being sat on my knees as I bit my lip from the pain I was feeling, and I pulled my pants up as well. I stared at myself in the mirror for a few moments before I began to sob again, gripping my hair in my hands as I did so. My eyes never left my reflection in the mirror as I watched myself sob, hating myself even more by every passing second.

My sobs died down and soon I was just staring at myself with an emotionless look on my face. I knew he wasn't going to stop, and I didn't have the power to stop him. I wasn't strong enough, and now my mom and Vinny had my credit card, so what could I do? I would be treated even worse, if possible, if Vinny ever saw me with Johnny again.

I shook my head as I stepped out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, closing the door as I stepped inside. I blamed Johnny for the entire situation, and I couldn't place why, but I just did. If I had just kept my sexuality hidden, and if he hadn't brought it out of me, then I wouldn't have just been raped by my own step father. I probably would've still been beaten because of the money situation, and I could've gotten away with some sort of bullshit lie about the men's magazine, but Vinny had seen those pictures. Those pictures of Johnny and I. And I blamed him.

I blamed him for everything.

**

The next morning, I slowly walked out of the house and into my driveway, still feeling the pain from the night before, and I saw Johnny standing outside of my house and smiling.

"Hey, Stranger," Johnny called as I walked towards him.

"Hi," I mumbled back as I walked past him and down the sidewalk.

"Hey," he exclaimed rather cheerily as he caught up to me. "What's wrong?"

I rolled my eyes as I glared at the space in front of me, still continuing my walk to school.

Johnny remained silent until we were a good distance away from our neighborhood. "Seriously, Billy, what's wrong?" He asked as he moved to step in front of me, stopping me in place. His face was full of concern as he searched mine.

A tear slid down my cheek as I looked anywhere but his face. Johnny reached out his hand to wipe the tear away but I pushed his hand away from me.

"Get the fuck off of me," I snarled as my eyes snapped to his.

"Woah," Johnny chuckled as he held his hands up in surrender. "What's wrong, Billy?" He asked again, this time a little more insistent.

"My problem is you," I said as I glared at him.

"Me?" He asked as a confused expression plastered across his face. "What the Hell do you mean I'm the problem?"

I stood in silence as he searched my face.

"Is this about yesterday?" He asked as he raised an eyebrow, a saddened expression on his face.

"Yes, Johnny!" I yelled. "This is about yesterday."

"Ok," he murmured as he rocked on his heels. "What about it?"

"What about it?" I exclaimed as I waved my arms through the air. "I'm not fucking gay, Johnny. Get that through your head!"

Johnny took a short pause before sighing while closing his eyes. He then opened his eyes and a small smile formed on his face. "Are you scared about us?" He whispered.

"What?" I yelled as a shocked expression took over my face. "No, Johnny! I'm not fucking gay!"

"You may not be completely gay but I know how you reacted to me yesterday, Billy. I was there," he insisted while squinting his eyes at me.

"Stop trying to convince me that I'm fucking gay, ok?" I exclaimed. "Go try to seduce some other lonely kid with your gay shit," I said as I waved my hand at him as I walked past him and towards the school.

Johnny didn't say anything back to me, and I never heard his footsteps anywhere behind me.

I shook my head as tears rushed down my cheeks. "Fuck me," I whispered as I wiped my eyes.

Throughout the school day, I never saw Johnny. Not once. He wasn't in any of our shared classes, and I never saw him in the hallway or in the lunchroom.

I was worried about Johnny as I walked home alone. He wouldn't leave my mind, although I knew he simply ditched school. I was still completely worried sick about him.

I was a little ways away from my house when I saw Johnny's sister's car pulling into our driveway. That's when I began sprinting home, completely ignoring the pain jolting through my body as I ran.

I reached her car and she was crying as she stepped out. She pulled me in for a hug as she sobbed into my shoulder, her entire body shaking. I kept asking what was wrong until she finally pulled away, her face covered in her own tears.

"Johnny," Kelly whimpered as she wiped her nose. "Johnny killed himself. He took too many pills, Billy," she murmured. "Too many pills."

——-
present

I looked over to Johnny, whose figure was still sitting beside me on the bathroom floor.

"I loved you," I murmured, finally knowing what to say to him as I glanced at him.

Johnny softly smiled back, still looking like he did when we were both sophomores. He placed his hand on my shoulder as he whispered,

"I know."

THIS BROKE MY HEART
but I was planning on having Sebastian's Point of View in this chapter after Billy's POV but I decided that this deserved a chapter of its own. Sebastian's POV will be in the next chapter.

also while thinking of ideas for this and while trying to capture the essence of it, i was listening to these songs and i would honestly suggest either rereading it while listening to these oR just thinking about this chapter as you listen to them:

The Sound of Silence - Disturbed
Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden
Blame It On Me - Post Malone
Simple Man (Acoustic Version) - Shinedown

also here's a quick snippet of what my notes look like for this book, and these are specifically for this chapter just because i feel like sharing them: