i'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Aurora Holland

"Okay, so we've all agreed on the rules and regulations for this Secret Santa party?" Bailey asked excitedly as she looked around the group, a bright smile covering her beautiful features.

For some reason, they decided to host an early Christmas party. Early, because a lot of us have to spend time with our families, and others of us are going out of town. Not that I mind, but it's a little unsettling knowing that there's a chance that I could not only get Carter Jackson of all people, but my own cousin or Logan as well. Not to mention, Ashley and her friends have decided to include themselves in our friend group, which puts a bit of a damper on things, considering they take a jab at me at any given moment they can.

Naia finished writing down all of our names on a piece of paper with a pen. Her handwriting was neat and organized, the girl having taken her time writing everyone's names as Bailey explained the details. You know, the usual no gift cards and nothing lazy, making us agree to put actual effort into the gifts, no matter who we got.

It was clear it was something to try and bring the group closer, making us act more as a friend group instead of a pile of teenagers that hate each others guts.

I don't hate any of them, I just avoid a certain amount of them any given chance I get, which I guess could be considered hating in someone else's eyes.

Naia then allowed Z to cut the piece of paper into small pieces, separating every name. I fidgeted in my spot between Katherine and Miles, my heart racing at the thought that I could get someone whom I'm not exactly eager to get a gift for.

Glancing over, my eyes locked with Carter's. He was sitting between Ashley and Kaya, slouched so far into the couch that it seemed as if at any moment he could sink into a bottomless pit. His brows furrowed as he tried to read my expression, but instead of letting him get past that wall, I just looked back down at my hands.

The silver ring twirled around my finger over and over again, the skin underneath turning a light pink. It was raw, but I couldn't stop. I felt too awkward to be in the same room as him, let alone be doing a Secret Santa with him.

After Z was finished with cutting up the copy paper, they folded all of them into thirds and shoved them into Elijah's beanie. Z made sure to hold the beanie closed and shake it around, mixing the names up to make sure they weren't in the order they went into the hat.

"Where do I start?"

"We can just start at this end of the room and go around," Bailey stated. "But guys, remember, when you grab from the hat, you shut your eyes and move your hands around to mix it up more before grabbing. I want no cheating!"

"How would we cheat if Naia was the one to write the names and Z was the one to put them in the hat, exactly?" Alexa asked, leaning against the wall. She had one leg kicked up slightly, the other holding her weight to the ground. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she watched the scene, seeming to notice the tension in the room.

Despite how big the Jacksons' living room was, the room felt extremely small.

"I don't know, I just wanted to stress the topic, okay?" Bailey asked, smiling at the other girl. "Let's not forget Elijah's little stunt last year."

"What stunt?" Katherine asked, glancing from Bailey to Elijah.

"I just-" Elijah stopped, his cheeks growing pink. "I managed to find a way to get Carter was all."

"That's... not surprising." She responded, pressing her lips together.

"Anyways!" Bailey exclaimed, putting the attention back on her. "Let's get this started! What we're going to do is Z will do the honors of going around with the hat, and we're going to each do the little mixing thing with our hands-" She motioned her hands around, showing us how to do it. "Then, when you pull the name out, you're going to go over to the table and grab the questionnaire I had you fill out! Remember, no cheating and telling people who you get! That defeats the purpose."

I watched as everyone before me pulled their name, moving from where they sat or stood to go grab the paper. When it was my turn, I smiled politely at Z before reaching my hand into the hat. After moving my hand around to show I wasn't cheating, I pulled out whichever one I grabbed first. Instead of letting everyone see my reaction to who I got, I just stood up from my seat and made my way to the table where all of the questionnaire was.

That's when I looked, my heart racing as I read the name.

Kaya.

Out of everyone here, I got one of the girls who's been the meanest to me. Considering I didn't want anyone that had anything to do with Ashley, plus Logan or Paige, this was upsetting. I know that's quite a few people I was hoping I didn't get, but I felt my chances were pretty good considering there were twenty-one people here. I simply didn't want seven of the people here, which wasn't even half.

Clearly, luck isn't on my side.

Sighing, I listened as a mixture of emotions was expressed as more people chose who they got, swiping Kaya's sheet from the table. I folded the paper quickly before anyone saw it, shoving it in my purse next to my sketchpad.

Part of me was very thankful with how particular Bailey was being, as if we didn't have to each sit here for the last fifteen minutes and fill out a sheet answering different questions I probably wouldn't know what to get.

I watched as more and more people pulled names until everyone did, my eyes watching everyone's reactions to see whether they were happy with who they got or not. Some seemed genuinely content and happy with their people, while others you could tell weren't exactly... excited.

Me, for example.

After going over the rules for what felt like the hundredth time, our little get-together was over.

I never realized how big our 'friend' group was until today, considering most of the time people weren't together at once. For example, Z's parents are very strict, so he can't come to most gatherings. Naia's parents are strict as well, although not as strict as Z's. Plus, they're together most of the time since they've been dating for who knows how long, so they're more content spending time together instead of partying like most.

I'm with either Katherine or Miles majority of the time, and so Miles and I don't seem to come around much if we're aware that Ashley and her minions are there. I can handle being around both Paige and Logan as they don't bother talking to me much anymore, seeming to let go of everything that's happened and as if they're done trying to fix it.

Carter, that's another story.

I can handle being around him in a group for the most part, as he doesn't attempt to talk to me unless we're alone. If we're left alone for even a millisecond, he's coming up to me with apologies and explanations that I truly don't care to hear anymore. If we're with the group, it's much more bearable, except for the constant looks and puppy dog eyes. So it's fifty-fifty, honestly.

Quinn, Alexa, and Guin also tend to do their own things. Not that they don't prefer to be with the group, they're just not as involved as others are. They're all very involved in school and other activities, and so they hang out more when their focus isn't on that. Now that it's Christmas break, I assume they'll be around more often.

Ever since news got out that Logan and Paige were hooking up, they've been much more open with it. They walk around like they're dating, except when people ask them they deny it as if the person asking is psychotic. Truly weird. But this also means they're doing like Z and Naia, and spending more time with each other.

Eliana and Lila being best friends, they don't come around much either. Honestly, I don't blame anyone who doesn't come around often. Considering we have the school's biggest bullies in our friend group all of a sudden, people don't hang out the way they used to. Griffin and Cameron even do their own thing, as they really don't want to deal with Ashley and I completely don't blame them.

That being said, being together was odd. It was as if there was a whole party going on, as most of us don't hang out with the entire group. We just hang out at certain points, and I'm assuming this was Bailey's personal way of getting us all together to act like we actually like each other.

Or she just really likes Secret Santa, who knows.

After people began to leave as the whole point of hanging out was over, I looked at Katherine. She'd been talking to Elijah about something, and so I patiently waited for them to finish talking. I fidgeted with my hands, tuning my surroundings out so I couldn't hear anyone's conversations.

"Ready to go?" The sound of Miles' voice caught my attention, and I looked to see him already looking at me. He held his keys in his hand and messed with them, waiting for my answer.

I looked at Katherine, who had just finished speaking with Elijah. She turned to us, running her fingers through her hair. "I'm so ready to get out of here," She mumbled, answering for me. "Let's go."

We left the Jackson residence, relief washing through me when I was in the passenger seat of Miles' car. As he drove away it was silent, none of us speaking at first.

"We're not keeping that whole Secret Santa bullshit from each other, right? Cause I'm completely pissed with who I got." Katherine blurted after a few more moments of silence. She sat in the middle of the backseat, one knee on each side of our seats.

"Who'd you get?" I asked, curiosity coursing through me at her choice of words.

"Fucking Ashley. Can you believe that bullshit?" She asked, slapping her hands to her thighs. "Of all fucking people, I get Ashley fucking Wilde, the queen herself. I could get her a million fucking dollars and she'd complain about it cause it wasn't a billion."

"That's crazy," Miles said. "I got Maya."

"Are you for real?" I asked, leaning forward slightly. I looked between him and Katherine, seeing neither of them seemed to be joking. "I got Kaya."

"We almost got the whole fucking pack of rats, how nice." Katherine breathed out, "I wonder who got Gwen? She's the most bearable out of the whole group. She has at least one nice bone in her body and you can tell, she's just under Ashley's fucking spell or something."

"I would've preferred her over everyone else," I spoke honestly. "Why should I get a gift for someone who's bullied me since my first day at Riverway?"

"Has it been that long?" Miles asked.

"Yes. The first day, she embarrassed me. It was horrible and ever since then - especially with the Carter situation - it's only gotten worse." I sighed as I leaned back in my seat.

I hadn't even noticed we pulled up to my house until I saw my dad's car in the driveway, and I sighed again as I looked over at Miles. "Thanks for the carpool. We'll see you at the party?"

"Yeah, of course, or whenever." He smiled his toothiest grin, turning back to Katherine. "Bye, Kat."

"Bye M." She pulled her backpack from the floorboard, opening her door.

I followed behind, waving one last goodbye before stepping out completely. We walked up to the house in silence, Miles driving off as soon as the door opened and we stepped in.

"When should we do shopping? I just wanna do it as soon as possible to get it over with." Katherine told me as we walked in, the smell of dinner invading my nostrils.

"Let's go put our stuff up and I can ask to use my dad's car after dinner. Should be fine," I shrugged.

We did exactly that, putting our bags down in my room before heading back down to the kitchen. My dad was making supper, wearing a little apron my mother gifted him a while ago for either their anniversary or his birthday.

"How was the party?" He asked as he watched us walk in.

"It wasn't a party, it was planning for the party," I told him as Katherine and I sat at the island. "But speaking of, we found out who we each got for Secret Santa."

"Who'd you get?" He asked, glancing over at us every once in a while as he focused on cooking.

"Some girls we don't really talk to. I was wondering if, after dinner, we could take the car and run to the mall and get our gifts now." I spoke quickly, twirling my ring around my finger.

"Is your room clean?" He asked the two of us, looking between Katherine and me. "I personally don't mind, but if your mother comes home from work and finds out I let you leave again without a clean room, it's my butt she's chewing."

"Gross," Katherine mumbled, obviously taking his statement the wrong way.

I nudged her as a laugh escaped my lips, rolling my eyes as I turned back to my dad. "Mostly clean, but we can quickly pick it up before we go."

"Good. Then yes. I've already transferred some extra money for both of you. I just assumed you'd already gone and got it with Malcom."

"Miles, Dad." I corrected.

"Right, Mark."

"Miles," Katherine and I then said at the same time, laughing as my dad let out a chuckle.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it."

++

"This is ridiculous," Katherine groaned as we walked into what felt like the hundredth store. "We've been into every single girly shop there is it feels and we've found nothing."

"It's because they already have everything they want and they're extremely picky, that's what makes this hard." I mumbled as I stared at Kaya's sheet. She wasn't very detailed, but I know her entire friend group is picky when it comes to brands they wear. Meaning this sheet was useless, as was Katherine's.

"We could just go into every store at this point, considering no matter what we get, they won't be satisfied as it's coming from us." I shrugged, looking around.

"Yeah, sure." Katherine agreed.

We started our search going in every store, separating every once in a while as Kaya preferred light pastel colors while Ashley preferred a dark red color. I eventually just settled on a couple pairs of skirts I've seen Kaya wearing, following the size that was put on the sheet she filled out.

I also managed to find something for Katherine for Christmas, hiding it under the skirts in the bag as I waited for her to finish her search.

After failing to find anything at all for Ashley in the store we were in, we went into the next one. It wasn't going to have anything of interest for Ashley, but Katherine had seen something she thought Elijah might like, and so we went in to look anyway.

I walked around while she talked to the store clerk about the item she was looking at, my eyes landing on the wall holding a bunch of skateboards. I bit the inside of my lip as I looked at them, seeing one with a pretty blue bottom. Remembering Carter's skateboard being banged up the last time I was in his room, I began to grab it before stopping myself.

I really shouldn't get him a Christmas gift, but the kindness inside me told me to get it anyway. It doesn't need to have a note saying it's from me, right? Like, I can just leave it in front of his room or something when he's not looking and just say it's a secret or something.

Deciding against my mind and following my heart, I grabbed it off the shelf and made my way to the front. I paid for my item as Katherine waited for me, the two of us moving on to the next.

It wasn't too much longer before she managed to find something for Ashley, some hair products mentioned on the sheet.

After our long journey of shopping and managing to find presents for not only my Secret Santa but some for Katherine, Carter, and Miles, we were finally in the car on the way home, silence filling the car until Katherine decided to speak up again.

"If we do Secret Santa again and I ever get any of those bitches, I'm pulling an Elijah."