- All I Want; Kodaline -
- Breakaway; Kelly Clarkson -
- traitor; Olivia Rodrigo -
- The Only Reason; 5 Seconds of Summer -
- The Heart Wants What It Wants; Selena Gomez -
- Meltdown; Niall Horan -

Aurora Holland

"There she is!" Logan exclaimed as I descended the stairs to my room, a smile covering my features as he came into my view.

It'd been a few days since we last saw each other, the day that I hung out with him and Alexa. I hadn't talked to anyone much since my conversation with Katherine, simply because I needed a bit of time alone.

I never realized how hard it was going to be to just throw myself out into the friend group again. I thought despite feeling a couple of emotions here and there, that it'd be easy and I'd be able to hang out with them often and act as if nothing happened.

However, that was far from the case.

After Katherine had gotten me to open up a bit more about everything that happened, I began to go back into that state. Not as bad as it was before, but I just simply didn't want to be around anyone. I indulged in my artwork, listening to music, and keeping my phone on Do Not Disturb. I shot out a few texts here and there so my friends didn't get concerned that I was falling back into the state, but overall I really kept to myself.

Well, tried to.

Despite beginning to feel less and less sad and simply just wanting to be alone, Jason was still terrified I was falling deeper into the black hole of depression I'd been in the day that Carter left. The last thing I wanted was for my little brother to witness something like that, and so I swore to myself that never again would I show my sad feelings to Jason no matter how hard it was for me to hide them.

I've never been the best at hiding how I truly feel. I'm constantly showing the emotion I feel on my face, basically radiating whichever emotion I wore that day. But after breaking down in front of Jason and seeing that it basically broke him as well, I vowed that no matter how badly Carter Jackson broke my heart, I'd never let Jason know I was still hurt by it.

He knew, though. He's young, but not naive. He knows I'm hiding it and I can tell by the way he acts and says certain things that he knows, but he's hiding it just as much as I'm hiding my true feelings. He still insists on coming and hanging out with me every other day or so, and although I know he's doing it to make sure I'm not alone in all of this, I can't help but feel appreciative and grateful to have such a smart, compassionate little brother like him.

He's changed a lot since we moved, for sure. Just in ways I'm certain that I've changed as well.

"Do you need any money?" My father asks as I come into view of the living room, and just as I go to respond, Logan beats me to it.

"She'll be fine. All costs are covered, sir."

I glanced from my father to Logan, who sent me a cheery smile. My cheeks burned red as I looked at the boy next to me at my feet, my dirty black Converse much more interesting than they usually are.

Before my father could respond, the front door suddenly flew open.

"Logan! It's always a pleasure to see you!" The sound of my mom's voice suddenly echoed through the house. I glanced over to see her walking through the door, looking just as fancy and well-put-together as ever.

She had a beautiful smile painted on her lips, one I hardly ever saw unless we were around guests or someone she loved greatly. I don't know what it was about Logan Jackson that she liked so much - but it just made me glad she didn't disapprove of me being friends with him the way she had Carter so much.

But then again, the only reason she really began to hate Carter was because he stuck up to her - something nobody's ever really done before.

"Good to see you too, Mrs. Holland." Logan nodded at her, responding to her with the same upbeat energy she'd greeted him with.

"Are you going out?" She asked, her eyes shifting from Logan to me.

"Yeah, dad said it was fine," I mumbled. I knew she wouldn't dare act horrible to me with Logan standing not even a foot away from me, but for some reason, I was still hesitant around her.

Maybe it's because she's still on that little tangent of treating me like I don't exist, forcing me to stay around the family more (including Paige) and only speaking to me when I do something wrong. How can one blame me? It's all I've ever known, really, and it's only gotten worse since our move to Riverway.

"Well have fun, keep us updated if you'll stay out later than curfew." She moved to the side to let us leave, and I sent her a confused look at her words.

She never ever lets me out after curfew, even if it's just by a few moments. She's usually quick to yell at me if she catches me being late unless my dad told me it was fine. But now she's sitting here allowing it without asking my dad his thoughts first, which only throws me off more.

But then again, it's obvious as to why.

It's because this is the Jackson sibling she's always wanted me to hang out with, not the one she despised just as much as he despised her.

Logan took that as our cue, and with one last goodbye we were out of the house and I immediately felt as if I could breathe. Being in the same room as my mother alone was enough to make me feel as if I was going to suffocate, and so having her genuinely talk to me and not knowing whether it was going to be rude, judgy, or snarky only made it worse.

But now that I'm out in the chilly Autumn air, I feel as if a lightweight has been lifted from my shoulders. Cool, crisp air entered my nostrils as I followed Logan to his beautiful Jeep, my cheeks heating up and probably a dark shade of pink as he sent me a toothy grin.

I opened the door and threw myself in, shutting the door quickly. The feeling of the wind immediately got cut off, and as soon as I buckled up I found myself rubbing my hands together to warm myself.

Crazy how I was outside for not even a full sixty seconds yet I felt as if my fingertips were freezing off.

Logan got in shortly after me. He started the car instantly before buckling up, turning the heat to a setting that would warm us up quickly. He wasn't wearing anything but a T-shirt and jeans, and I found myself frowning as he definitely needed more layers than what he wore in this type of weather.

Looking down, I frowned even more at the hoodie engulfing my upper body. It was the same hoodie he'd given me last time we hung out, at the mini-golf arena. My eyes cast back to his arms to see the goosebumps littering his skin, showing that he was cold.

"Do you want this back?" I asked, looking up at his eyes as soon as he looked over at me.

He glanced down at my hoodie before back at my eyes, shaking his head. "Nah."

"You're cold," I stated.

"I'm okay," He insisted. "I don't suggest arguing with me either, Rora. You won't win." He was joking, of course, as he said those words. It was obvious by the smile on his face, and the light in his brown eyes.

I just looked away with a nod, unsure of whether to be stubborn. Despite it being the one word most people would describe me as I haven't found myself really fighting to express my thoughts. I just find myself agreeing with everything, even if I don't actually see it the way they do. I do as I'm told, which was also maybe another reason my mother has been a little bit lighter on talking to me and letting me do things.

"Have you given much thought to the cheerleading thing?" Logan then asked, breaking the silence between us.

"Oh, no. Not really," I answered, sending a short glance before looking down at my lap. "Ashley's on the cheerleading team, along with like eight of the other girls who don't like me."

"Don't mind them. They haven't bothered you lately have they?" Logan asked, "Alexa won't let anyone do anything to you. As long as she's there you'll be safe."

"Lila has said something to them countless times in the locker room each time one of them says something, and they've yet to stop. I doubt Alexa being there will change anything." I told him, biting the inside of my lip. "Besides, I'm not sure it's something I truly want to do. Well, something I don't think I'd enjoy, to say the least."

"Why not?" Logan asked.

I watched as he merged on the highway, heading straight from the bowling alley. I didn't know much about today's hangout, just that we'd be meeting everyone there and that it was at the town's bowling alley. I didn't even know how far it was since I hadn't been there since moving here, but I didn't mind all that much.

"I'm not good with a lot of attention on me, and I'm not used to it. You know? The attention I get right now is the most I usually get, and most of it is because I'm known as Paige Holland's cousin or the girl-" I stopped myself, knowing I was about to mention myself as the girl Carter Jackson was seen around.

Sending Logan a short glance, I cleared my throat. "The girl who's constantly around Logan Jackson."

In a way, this is true. Whether it was Logan or Carter, I was known as the new girl constantly seen following the duo around like a puppy dog. It wasn't a good thing, either.

"Most people don't think that, you know?" He asked, his eyes solely focused on the road ahead of him.

It was the busiest I'd seen the roads in Riverway, but I hardly ever find myself on the highway so this probably isn't even the half of it.

"Either way, I'm not sure. I still can think about it, but I'm just having this internal battle on whether I really wanna do it or not." I told him, bringing the topic back to what it was supposed to be about. "I can't really see myself doing that. I don't know if it's... me."

"You can always back out if you change your mind. And I know you mentioned something about getting in so late, but I'm very close with basically all the coaches at Riverway High. I know how to get people in last minute, I've done it countless times with the guys on the baseball and football teams. Plus, as Alexa said, she's basically the best on both the cheer team and the dance team. She can get you in quicker than I could probably."

I thought about his words, not knowing what to say. I don't have the energy to continue the conversation, simply because I shared how it didn't feel like me to get on the cheerleading team, yet he's still encouraging it.

I know it's bad, but during this conversation I found myself reminded of the conversation I had with Carter at the drive-in. The one where he didn't like the idea of me being a cheerleader, and insisted that it wasn't me.

Yet here I am, specifically telling Logan this wasn't my thing but he's still wanting it. He isn't pressuring me or pushing it, no, but still. I'm still clearly not interested.

"It would also get you more friends," He said. "Not to say you need any, I know you have our group. But not all of the girls on there are horrible people. They would probably accept you with open arms."

This kept me quiet as well, feeling a little bit hurt. He didn't mean any offense by his words - and I know that - but I still can't help but feel as if he's wanting me to be more like him; popular.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Rora, I was just thinking-"

"No, it's okay." I quickly cut him off, "You're simply just telling me what I need to hear. I do need more friends and to put myself out there more, and cheer and dance can do just that."

The bowling alley came into view, and I couldn't have been happier. I enjoy spending this time with Logan quite a lot, but I needed this conversation to end more than anything. The sooner we get out of the car and into the building with all of our friends, the better.

He sent me a sad smile but didn't respond, thankfully letting the conversation end there. It was silent between us as he merged off of the highway at his exit. He was quick to pull into the parking lot and find a parking space, and immediately I recognized a few of our friends' vehicles amongst the cars surrounding the area.

As he turned the car off, I unbuckled and pulled the strap of my bag over my head. Logan got out of the car and I followed, the cold air immediately hitting me and nipping the tip of my nose.

We walked quickly into the building, where I was immediately greeted with slight warmth. The sounds of bowling balls hitting the pins echoed throughout the building, along with the sound of the arcade games people played in the small arcade attached to it.

It was slightly busy, almost every lane littered with families or friend groups laughing as they spent their free time together. It easily brought a smile to my face, happy to see that other people were able to do this as if they had no care in the world.

The feeling of a hand on my back brought my attention away from the strangers surrounding me, and I looked over to see Logan giving me a slight push to continue walking. I hadn't even realized I'd stopped, but instead of saying anything I just blushed and let him lead me toward the front desk.

We stopped and the lady almost instantly greeted us, sending us a warm and inviting smile. "Just you two today?" She asked, glancing from me to Logan.

"We had a group coming in, I believe some of them are already here." He glanced around, before smiling brightly. "We're with that group. I believe it's already been paid for."

"Right!" She exclaimed as soon as she saw where Logan had been looking. "We'll just get your shoe sizes and you can head over."

We took turns telling her our shoe sizes and getting our shoes, taking the short walk from the counter to the lanes occupying our group.

We had to get two lanes, but that wasn't really surprising. There was a total of nine of us, meaning five of us would be using one lane and four the other.

Everyone else was already here by the looks of it, Logan and I being the last to arrive. They didn't seem to mind, however, greeting us all the same as we approached the table.

"We just kinda chose randomly. The left lane is going to consist of Cameron, Griffin, Aurora, Bailey, and Layla. The second lane will be me, Logan, Guin, and Quinn." Alexa explained, pointing at each person as she spoke.

I glanced over to see Bailey and Layla looking at me with a solemn look on their face, their eyes on the dark hoodie of Logan's I wore.

Looking away, I knew this would be a topic they talked about later. I know our group talks just as much as the next, especially since I've hung out around them enough to know what it's like. I didn't like that I was for sure going to be a topic later on, but I don't blame them anyway.

I was just seen with Carter what seemed like yesterday, and now I'm with Logan all the time. I know their thoughts, feelings, and all those things. Katherine didn't hesitate to tell me how she felt, and if she felt that way then surely our friends would feel the same as well.

The best I can do is ignore it, however, as it's out of my control. There's nothing going on between Logan and me, and I stand by that.

"Well let's get this started, yeah?!" Logan exclaimed, having already shoved his shoes on.

Realizing I needed to do the same, I took my time as I took a seat between Cameron and Griffin. I untied my Converse and slipped them off before grabbing one of the bowling shoes.

I didn't like the idea of wearing these, especially because I had no idea who'd worn them before me. I know they spray them or whatever it is they do with them between each person that uses them - but still. They still look used and dirty, definitely worn out to the point where they're almost needing to be thrown out. I wonder how long until they replace the old shoes with new ones?

The loud sound of laughing caught my attention, and I glanced over to see something I never expected to see.

Walking over to an empty lane only a couple of lanes down from us, was Ashley Wilde. Not even just Ashley Wilde, no, but with her was Elijah Layton, Katherine - my best friend Katherine, and of all people... Carter Jackson.

My eyes immediately locked with Carter, who looked at me with what only could be seen as guilt and something else. My heart hammered in my chest as all of the feelings I'd fought so hard to get rid of came back. Tears began to pool in my eyes, not caring that I was supposed to be with my friends and having a good time.

I'd heard the rumors. The rumors that Carter Jackson had suddenly decided to get back with Ashley, his ex-girlfriend. I didn't believe them, because when we were talking he didn't ever have anything good to say about her. He hated even the thought of being in the same room as her, let alone be with her again.

Then, it hit me. This must've been why he ended whatever was going on between us. He didn't want me anymore, simply because I wasn't good enough. There were probably feelings in the beginning, but he soon realized I was nothing compared to Ashley Wilde. The rich, perfect, pretty Ashley Wilde.

"Here, let me." Cameron's voice brought me out of my trance. I looked over to see him grab the shoe from my hand. I began to protest and tell him I was capable of putting on my own bowling shoes, but he just shook his head as his eyes trailed over to the group sitting only a few lanes away from us.

By now, the others have noticed. A thick, awkward tension grew in the air, and I found myself trying my best not to suffocate. It was as if the chilly Autumn air suddenly seemed to be better than the warmer air in here, but I knew if I walked out it would do nothing but make a scene which was the last thing I needed right now.

Cameron was gentle. He usually was whenever we did anything together, but he was extra gentle. It was as if - like with everyone else - he knew if he was too rough I'd fall apart at the seams. I watched as he slipped my shoe on and tied it tight enough to where I wouldn't trip and fall, but not too tight.

He did the same with my other foot, putting it on his leg and putting my shoes on as if I weren't capable of doing it myself.

My eyes trailed over to the group next to us again, my heart sinking as Ashley sent a smirk my way. As she saw I was watching, she leaned into Carter and planted her lips on his cheek. The move alone was more than enough to cause my stomach to turn in disgust.

Shutting my eyes, I looked away and down at my hand. I began to scratch at it, taking deep breaths to prevent myself from vomiting everywhere.

Why was Katherine with her? I mean... I guess it makes sense considering Carter and Elijah are best friends, and now that Elijah and Katherine are dating, she's going to be doing things with him. It was the same when I was into Carter, so I guess I can't really blame her.

I can't blame anyone but myself for putting myself in this predicament.

The sound of Logan shouting caused my eyes to shoot up, and I was quick to notice his side had begun bowling. Everyone cheered as for his first round he'd gotten a strike, which wasn't surprising as he's good at just about everything.

Cameron, who finished tying my shoes by now, moved my foot back and forth a bit. "I gotta go, but you'll be good, right?" He asked softly.

I nodded, not wanting to talk. He was hesitant but moved my foot from his leg anyway, standing to go begin our first game of bowling.

I could hear Ashley's shouts and flirts with Carter from over here. Each dreadful second that passed made me feel sicker and sicker, but I just stared at my friend group playing to avoid looking over there.

It's what she wants. She wants me to see her all over Carter, and I don't know how much more I can handle it.

"Are Converse your favorite shoes?" A soft voice asked. I looked to my right to see Quinn sitting next to me, in the same seat Cameron occupied only moments before.

She sent me a soft smile, but I didn't miss the way her eyes trailed over to the table a few lanes away from us. She was distracting me, doing something nobody dared to do. She was talking to me as if I was just like them, and not doing everything in my power to break down.

She was doing what I wanted everyone to do, and that's treating me like normal.

"Yes," I answered softly. I'm surprised she heard it over the sound of the balls hitting the pins, but she did. She smiled with a click of her tongue, glancing around at the friend group.

"Sucks that the others couldn't make it." She shrugged.

"Why couldn't they?" She asked.

"Naia has a very strict household. It's surprising she can get out for some parties sometimes. If she doesn't let her parents know early enough that we want to make plans, she's not allowed to go. It's upsetting for all of us, but I can only imagine how she feels. And Z, he didn't want to come without her. They're basically married despite their young age. They love each other more than anything so when one of them's sad, the other's there." She explained.

It was my turn to go, ending our conversation. I stood and grabbed a ball from one of the holders - something I'd yet to do - before heading to the lane. Logan was already going again, showing how quick his side was. Not only were they quick, but we also had one extra person, having five compared to their four.

He glanced over at me, seeing me awkwardly standing there. "You alright?" He asked softly. He hadn't noticed Carter and the others here, and if he didn't he didn't bother saying anything.

Part of me doesn't know whether it's a good or bad thing, but I keep telling myself it's good.

"I just don't bowl much," I mumbled.

"Oh, it's easy!" He exclaimed, "It's just like this." He did what he always did when he took his turn, easily getting another strike.

The group cheered, but instead of cheering as well my eyes just looked to the left where Carter and Ashley were.

Ashley was acting dumb as if she's never bowled before in her life. But then again, I wouldn't be surprised if she hadn't. She pouted at him, and although he looked like he didn't want to he helped her anyway. He wrapped his arm around her and helped her bowl the ball. She didn't hesitate to cheer, despite the fact that it immediately went in the gutter.

Afterward, she sent another smug look my way, almost causing me to drop the ball in my hands.

"If she looks over here with that mug one more time I'm going to go psycho." Layla snapped from behind me.

I glanced back to see her glaring at Ashley, showing she noticed what the other girl was doing. Her freckled nose scrunched up as she crossed her arms over her chest, tapping her foot angrily on the ground. "What?!" She asked loudly, beginning to shoot up. Bailey held her down, shaking her head with a sad look to stop the girl from doing anything stupid.

Realizing my group was waiting for me to bowl, I just tossed it as fast as I could down the lane. I stood awkwardly as I focused on watching the ball go down the lane, not bothering to shout in happiness as it somehow landed me a strike.

"Hell yes!" Logan exclaimed, and before I knew what was going on I was lifted from the ground.

Logan twirled me in a quick circle, something that did nothing but make me feel sicker. "I'm such a good teacher!" He then told me.

My eyes snapped back to down a few lanes, where Ashley glared at me. She then smirked, but before I could think as to why I watched as she clasped her hand around Carter's.

He'd been walking away but was quickly pulled back. She slammed her lips against his, a gasp leaving my lips as I watched the scene unfold.

Bile rose in my throat, and I shoved Logan away as I booked it away from the table and to the bathroom.

I can shove my feelings away when I see Carter and Ashley together. I can learn to accept it, even, but seeing her kiss him brought back the feeling I got when I kissed him.

The thought was enough to make me sick, and I slammed the bathroom stall door open so hard it rattled against the wall. Bending to my knees, I emptied any contents sitting in my stomach - which wasn't much.

I continued to throw up despite not having anything left in my stomach to throw up, a gross taste filling my mouth.

I hadn't even heard the bathroom door open, and I didn't care. I just stayed crouched down next to the toilet, tears streaming down my cheeks as my head began to pound.

The feeling of cold fingertips pulling my hair back caused me to jump up but was quickly calmed when I saw that it was just Layla.

"I'm sorry," She apologized, using her free hand to reach forward and flush to toilet.

"You didn't do anything," I weakly said, shaking my head.

"I didn't exactly, I guess." She ran her fingers through my hair. The feeling was soothing, and despite being in a nasty bathroom I didn't want to leave. "But I pushed you and Logan, and I shouldn't have."

"What?" I asked, looking back at her. She looked at me with a sad look on her face, clearing her throat.

"I always thought you'd be better with Logan, but I realize now that's a mistake." She pulled back. She held her hands out, and I was quick to grab them.

She pulled me up off of the ground, leading me out of the stall and over to one of the sinks. I watched as she dug into her purse, pulling out some mouthwash.

I took it gratefully, not hesitating to use it to get the bitter taste out of my mouth. She watched as I rinsed my mouth out with water from the sink, doing anything I could to clean my mouth until I got home to brush my teeth.

"Carter and I used to be... close." She told me, "We used to hang out a lot. Skip classes, all that. I know him, you know?"

I didn't say anything, simply because I didn't know what to say. She took this as her cue to continue. "He wouldn't just dump someone then date someone the next week." She finished. I watched her carefully as she leaned against the sink counter, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've never seen him be so protective and into someone the way he is you. I know his feelings weren't fake. And I didn't come in here to tell you to just forgive him, because I'm sure whatever he did was bad enough to do this to you. But I know Carter Jackson, and he's not into Ashley Wilde."

"You saw them out there," I muttered, washing my hands. I dried them off with a paper towel before walking back over to where I stood before. My cheeks were red and puffy from crying, so I grabbed a paper towel and got it wet to lessen the redness.

Layla watched me carefully as I did so, taking in my appearance. "He looked like he wanted to die. Then I saw the look on his face when Logan grabbed you. He's not happy with her. And I know it probably hurts seeing Katie with them too. But I guarantee that she and Elijah are only doing that to figure out what the fuck is up with him."

I ran my fingers through my messy hair, sniffling.

"I'm not saying this to mess with you. Maybe I'm wrong, you know? But I've known him well longer than a lot, and I know he isn't the type to do something like this. I suspect something else is going on, and I can for sure find out if you want me to." She finished.

"I appreciate it," I said. "But Layla, I've come to the terms that he just doesn't like me. I'll get over it. Today? No. But eventually. We don't need to figure anything out, simply because Carter was right. There's nothing between us. And there's nothing more, nothing less. He likes Ashley, and that's just something we all need to accept." I told her, offering the mouthwash to her.

She took it, looking it over before back up at me. She wanted to say more, I could tell. But I didn't really feel like talking about it.

"Thank you for coming in here, comforting me, and for the mouthwash. I appreciate you." I told her once more before walking to the door.

I didn't spare one last glance at Layla, and instead just walked out of the bathroom.

The last thing I need is Layla putting crazy thoughts in my head, and so instead of continuing to go throughout the day with worrying what's going on a few lanes down - I just did what I came here to do.

I had fun.

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Long chapter, hope all is well <3

Please apply to Save Your Tears! I also republished BURLESQUE if you'd like to check that out!