- tear myself apart; Tate McRae -
- because i liked a boy; Sabrina Carpenter -
- Monster; Shawn Mendes ft. Justin Bieber -

Aurora Holland

"I'm glad I was able to convince you to hang out with Lex and me," Logan commented. He glanced over at me from the driver's seat, his brows pushing together as he saw me staring down at my hand.

The scratches had returned, worse than ever. I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even think barely. My thoughts have been so consuming because of everything happening, especially after Carter had the nerve to try and talk to me after he broke my heart.

Even if he lost whatever 'feelings' he acted like he had, he should've just ended it before things got as intense as they did. Maybe I was looking too much into whatever was going on between us, but he made it seem like he was into me.

After almost a week of hiding out in my room, missing two days of school and constantly stressing myself out to the point where I was throwing up, I decided enough was enough. I've been shutting every single one of my friends out all because I'm butthurt that Carter doesn't like me like I thought. I've begun to almost ruin every single friendship I've made all because of some boy.

All because of a boy I liked that I never had a chance with in the first place.

"Are you still upset about me kissing you last week?" Logan then asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"No, no!" I quickly exclaimed, "I'm just- dealing, I guess." I muttered, scratching at my hand again.

Despite having enough of hiding out, being around my friends was much more challenging than expected. The only few I can handle being around without wanting to freak out - out of the ones I'm constantly talking to - are Miles, Quinn, and Guin.

Quinn and Guin are simply because I'm not around them nearly enough, but I'm around them more than I am Z or Naia. Miles is obvious, simply because no matter how much I tried to hide away he just didn't stop trying to comfort me.

Despite how cold I was, and how little I talked compared to normal. He didn't overdo it either, invading my space until I blew up. It was very much appreciated, and he's actually the one that inspired me to begin hanging out with my friends again instead of shutting them out.

After all, they didn't do anything. None of them - not even Elijah - knew about why Carter did what he did. I talked to Katherine and Elijah together, and it was quite unsettling to see Elijah so pissed off when I've barely seen him act any other way instead of goofy and even a little childish.

Although it's nice being around the friend group again, I really don't like that they're all treating me differently. They want to act like they aren't and that they're ignoring everything, but I know they're acting as if they're walking on eggshells around me. I don't want that. I want it to go back to the way it was before where they would treat me like they treat everyone else in the friend group, but instead, they're acting as if I'm some fragile child they need to keep safe.

I'm tired of being the fragile one. I'm tired of being the one everyone has to be careful around. It's not fair and I wish I could just stop and go back in time and change everything.

"I'm sorry," Logan said. "I know it's not my fault or anything, but I am. I guess I should've given you a warning before getting involved with Carter."

"You shouldn't have had to give me a warning, I should've known," I whispered. I didn't maintain any sort of eye contact, knowing the moment my eyes met his I'd get emotional. Well, more emotional than I already am.

"Still. Carter's always been the type to just do whatever he wants without thinking of anyone else involved. Once he has what he wants... he dips." Logan did his best to explain.

Tears filled my eyes, but instead of letting them fall I just took a deep breath and looked up at the roof of the car until the tears went away. "I'll be okay, it's fine."

"It's not fine, though." Logan continued, despite my obvious hints of not wanting the conversation to continue any further. "You-you're worth more than that, Rora. You're not worth Carter's attention at all. And if it were up to me, I'd have done my best to avoid all of this."

"But it's not. It's not your fault, not your place to do that. I think that even if you had known what was to come, there was nothing you could do to prevent it. Things happen and we learn from it." I couldn't help but explain, waving my hands around in the air as I spoke. "And trust me, the lesson's been learned."

Logan didn't say anything, and I wasn't sure if it was because he didn't know what to say or if he just didn't want to say anything. He just kept his dark eyes on the road in front of us as he drove in the direction of wherever it was that Alexa lived.

I didn't know much about Alexa, simply things heard here and there from either Logan or Miles. Miles told me about how they used to be best friends and then when Logan came around she kinda ditched him for the Jackson boy. I don't know whether it was purposeful, or if it was unintentional, but I can't really assume simply because I don't know her.

She doesn't seem like the type to purposely hurt anyone, but then again most would think the same about Paige. I don't want to be the type of person to just automatically think people I don't know are horrible - but after everything I've been through within the last month, I think it's a good thing to be cautious.

We pulled into what looked to be a very fancy neighborhood, one that went along with Bailey and Cameron's. He pulled into the driveway and typed a couple of messages out on his phone as it grew silent between us.

I avoided looking at him, my eyes focusing on the scenery outside of the car. Her yard was neatly taken care of, the grass a beautiful color to where it almost looked like it was artificial. The white house looked so clean it almost looked brand new - the windows shiny without a hint of dust or handprints on them.

"Carter's going to regret it, you know?" Logan softly asked, breaking my attention away from the perfect house in front of me as he began the conversation again.

He had a look I couldn't decipher on his features, but instead of responding I just stared at him so he could continue. He quickly took the hint, clearing his throat before speaking again.

"I don't know exactly what happened, or- or how far things went with you guys." He turned in his seat, leaning against the middle console. "But I do know whatever it was, he's going to regret everything he's done big time. He could've just kept it as friends had he not known if it was what he wanted, then he wouldn't have lost you completely. But like- I guess what I'm trying to say is it's his loss, not yours."

I half-smiled at him, showing I heard everything he said. It's nothing I haven't heard before, it sounds exactly like everything Paige told me when I finally began talking to her after the whole Asher situation. She said something very similar to this, but look at where we are now.

The door behind me suddenly flew open, and Logan was quick to get rid of the serious look on his face but smiling brightly. "Lex! Took you long enough." He joked as he turned back to the front, fixing the strap of his seatbelt.

"Sorry, had to make sure the doggies were let out before I left," Alexa apologized, setting her bag to the side before smoothly sliding into the middle back seat. "Hello, Aurora!" She greeted me kindly, almost as if we'd been friends for years.

"Hi," I shyly said, sending a soft smile so she didn't take my short greeting the wrong way.

I've only talked to her a handful of times, but even then I still didn't want her to think I was rude. I just simply wasn't in the mood to put myself out there - not that I ever was before all of this, anyway.

Logan didn't waste time driving away from Lex's house, driving in the direction of wherever it was we were planning on going.

I had no idea what Logan had in mind when he asked me to hang out with him and Alexa, but I didn't really care to ask. I almost denied his advance simply because the last time we talked he got the wrong idea.

It was the same day I admitted a false love to Carter, thinking my feelings for him were more than they were. It was the same day my entire world crumbled and the little happiness I'd gained since moving to Riverway was smashed to pieces right in front of me.

After giving it lots of thought since Logan had come out of his way to come to my house to not only ask me to hang out but also to apologize for kissing me so abruptly, I decided to go. I know hanging out with Logan Jackson so soon after not only everything that happened between his brother and me but also everything that happened between us, was wrong.

He can sit and say he knows now that nothing's going on between us, or he doesn't like me anymore - but I know it's a lie. I was the same way with Asher when everything happened at Point Prep, and I'm acting the same way now with Carter.

I'm acting as if he didn't become the most important person in my life after knowing each other for such little time, and as if I never had feelings in the first place.

But I guess that's the difference between Logan's crush on me, and mine on Carter. I never intentionally gave Logan any idea that something was going on between us. I was never with him alone unless I had to be - which even then only consisted of him insisting to walk me to class when I wasn't with Carter, or when he would give me a ride home when Carter was busy. I never told him the things I told Carter, or even touched him in any way unless I was giving everyone a goodbye hug - and I couldn't just deny Logan a hug when hugging everyone else.

My eyes traveled from my lap to Logan, who focused on driving to our destination. He spoke to Lex while he drove, the same beautiful smile he wore on his tan features.

Despite the obvious similarities - he looked nothing like Carter. Most wouldn't really know they were siblings at first glance, but nobody ever talked about it. Had I not physically walked into Carter's room and just simply ran into him in the middle of the party - I'd have had no idea they were brothers.

But then again, they were just as different as Jason and I. Even though their ages were closer and only one year while Jason and I had a good gap of roughly five years, we still had very obvious differences.

Jason had big brown eyes, while mine were these pools of cerulean that caught the light a lot easier. His hair was a chestnut brown while mine was more of a brown-black color. His skin was even much more tanner, a lot like Logan's compared to Carter's. Mine's a pasty pale color, one that sometimes causes me to look like a ghost if I were caught in the wrong angle in a photo.

Logan's eyes shifted to mine as he'd stopped at a stoplight - and I'd been too consumed in my thoughts to look away. He smiled even bigger at me, the simple gesture causing my cheeks to burn as I'd been caught staring.

I didn't even intend to - I was just too consumed with my thoughts. Ever since I'd realized I was hurting myself after everything with Carter, I've confused myself. I'm hurt still, yes, very much so. But am I dying? No. Despite the not eating, sleeping, and thoughts consuming me, I don't feel as hurt as I was even last week.

Maybe getting over Carter is going to be easier than I thought, especially now that this is the second time my heart's been completely broken and shattered into pieces.

"It's nice to see you coming around, Aurora," Lex spoke from the backseat.

I turned slightly in my seat so I could look at her, sending her a kind smile. "Yeah, I've been caught up."

"Well, no matter the reason you're here to hang out, and that's what matters!" She exclaimed happily. Her dark eyes then glanced ahead, widening slightly. "Ass! The light's green."

My eyes snapped to Logan, who looked ahead at the same time. His cheeks were pink and the smile was wiped from his face, his focus completely on the road again. "Sorry," He mumbled.

I glanced back at Alexa, who rolled her eyes playfully. "God, what a lovesick puppy." She murmured, quiet enough to where Logan couldn't hear her.

I could, however, and despite not knowing much of what she meant I could only assume she knew of his feelings for me.

Honestly, how does he have feelings for me anyhow? We don't talk as much as we should for someone to have a crush on me, and even then I can't understand how. Not when he's friends with people such as Alexa, Paige, and even Bailey.

Everyone in our friend group was very attractive, there's no doubt about it. But that being said, there are some people I can see him matching with perfectly so him having this childish crush on me makes no sense.

But then again, I crushed on Asher the same way. I talked to him less than I talked to Logan and thought we were soulmates, so I guess I don't blame him and if anything - feel for him.

Maybe Logan and I are much more alike than I thought in certain ways.

Turns out, Logan didn't really have much of an idea of what he wanted to do. He just continued to drive around till he saw the first thing to do - which was a mini-golf place. I've never done mini golf, at least not since I was younger. I was very little at the time and Jason was a baby, and so I guess I wouldn't really count it as I didn't even know half of what I was doing.

But I found myself trailing after Alexa and Logan into the building, the chilly air from the air conditioning immediately causing goosebumps to rise. I rubbed my hands over my arms to warm myself up, finding myself cursing for not wearing a jacket.

I guess I just assumed everywhere would have the heat on considering it's the colder months, but apparently, the owner of the mini-golf place didn't have the same idea.

We mini-golfed for a good section of time, and Logan even went as far as to give me his pullover hoodie as he noticed me basically cuddling myself between turns.

It smelled nice and clean and was quick to warm me up. I was thankful because I was so cold to the point where I didn't want to move my arms to golf at all. Not that it mattered much anyway, as I was getting destroyed by both Alexa and Logan.

Considering Logan seems to be perfect at just about everything - I didn't expect to win. And with Alexa - she's just as good as him, if not more. I looked like a total amateur next to them, and any time I struggled to get the ball in the hole I found my face burning up and flustered, tripping over my Converse as I tried to get the best angle.

Alexa thought it was cute, whereas Logan was constantly coming over and helping me hit it perfectly into the ball. I felt helpless, but at the same time, it did a lot to get my mind off of everything.

"So Logan says you like to dance," Alexa said, bringing another conversation up. We were now sitting in the middle of some fast food place after mini-golf, but the smell of the food alone was enough to make me nauseous.

She reminded me of Paige - in the sense that she's constantly got something to talk about. The conversation never dies, and when she senses that it's beginning to, she wraps it up and moves on to something else. It's almost never awkward, and it made me feel better considering I'm a very shy and awkward person.

"I play Just Dance, but that's about the extent of that," I answered, picking at my fries.

Despite not having an appetite, Logan somehow managed to convince me to eat the fries that came with his burger. He said he wasn't that hungry and since I wasn't either we could share, but I only gave in because he wouldn't let it go.

"Would you ever want to join the dance team?" Alexa asked.

I laughed without intending to, finding the thought alone hilarious. When I realized I was the only one laughing and that she was completely serious, I stared at her with wide eyes. "W-what?"

"I'm serious. I've heard rumors about how good you are at some of the PE things coach makes people do. You can move, you're very fit - I think you could be a good addition to the team." She waved a hand in my direction.

I sat back in my seat, thinking about it. My fingers picked at the ends of Logan's hoodie - which I was still wearing for some reason - and my mind jumbled with back-and-forth thoughts.

If you were to ask me even two months ago if I'd think about joining, I'd only say yes to get my mother to approve of something I do for once. But never have I thought about just doing it simply because I want to.

Do I even want to?

I glanced from Lex to Logan, who sent me a hopeful smile. "I think you'd be a good fit." He commented on his thoughts, wiping his fingers on a napkin.

Shifting in my seat, I glanced at my uneaten fries.

"Imagine it, Rora!" Lex excitedly said, "If you join that, you can join the cheerleading team and we can cheer Log on from the sidelines!"

Logan smiled bigger with a nod, showing he agreed.

"Isn't it too late to join those things anyway? Even when I moved here it would've been past the deadline, but now it's just pushing it." I shrugged, sipping on my Powerade.

"We can pull some strings if need be," Lex said. "I may be the best dancer at Riverway." She then winked, causing my cheeks to flush. "Don't feel pressured, I just think if you're stressed about a lot and like to be active the way I noticed - go for it. It's a good stress reliever, and if you're worried about getting behind or not knowing anything then I don't mind teaching you. I'm constantly in the studio practicing, and the cheers are so mediocre half of the drunk teenagers in the bleachers can do it with their eyes closed. It's not hard at all."

"How do you do both Dance Team and Cheer?" I asked, "It seems like I'll wear myself out more." Realizing the way it sounded, I held my hands out. "Not that I'm saying yes, I'm just saying I wouldn't want to do that if I were to say yes."

Lex squealed, despite the fact that I hadn't said yes. "It's so easy! We just dance one week with the dance crew then cheer the next! Competitions are never on the same days for those, so it's honestly really easy! Just think about it, okay? I'll get your number from Log and we can talk about it more."

I nodded, wanting nothing more than the conversation to end. It would for sure get the consuming thoughts to at least simmer down, and that's something I needed more than anything which is why I find myself constantly making plans with people instead of just sitting and wallowing in self-pity in my bedroom every day like I was before.

The conversation thankfully ended there, as did our hang-out. I don't know what I was expecting when Logan first asked me to hang out, but it wasn't that. It was pleasant, and I began to look at Logan differently than before.

Before, I didn't really want much to be around him. It was nothing against him, but I found myself preferring Carter or Elijah's presence out of the boys. Logan just seemed too perfect, and it reminded me too much of Paige and how perfect she is.

But now, getting a glimpse of how he is around his best friend and having time to think about things I never bothered to think about before, I feel for him and relate to him much more than I ever thought I would.

Up until now, I always compared him and Carter to me and Paige. Paige was perfect and popular because she did what she could to impress people, whereas even though I do care, I don't care to the point where I'm changing myself.

Carter's the same way. If it were his way he wouldn't be popular the way he is. I know he takes advantage of it sometimes with things such as being late to class or skipping altogether, but he doesn't bask in the attention the way that Paige and Logan seem to.

But now, as I sit in the passenger seat watching Logan walk his best friend to her front door, I realize Logan's just as imperfect as me.

I smiled softly as I twirled my ring around my finger, my thoughts much more pleasant than they had the last few days.

As I watched the silver band go in circles around my raw finger, I hadn't even realized Logan was back until the door slammed shut and he threw himself in the driver's seat.

"Your house, correct?" He asked as he buckled up and backed out.

"Yes. Thank you, Logan." I mumbled. I was thanking him for much more than just taking me home, and by the way Logan looked at me - I think he knew it as well.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. I think he knew everything he needed to, and so instead of talking, we were just listening to Logan's playlist play through the speakers.

I watched the dead trees as we drove by, and it reminded me of the day we went to the mall. He had easily known something was wrong and did everything he could that day to keep my spirits lifted despite how cold and shut down I was.

It was almost the same now, except instead of easily breaking me out of the shell the way he had back this - this took days upon days. Of course, he wasn't as insistent as Miles is, but he isn't close to me the way Miles is so it's completely understandable since he really only spent the last few days apologizing for kissing me.

The drive seemed much shorter than it did when he'd first picked me up, and I frowned as I realized I hated that. Usually, I'm quick to be happy to go home and lay in bed, but for some reason, I found myself upset that the time to hang out was over.

Climbing out of the vehicle, I was surprised to see Logan getting out the way he had with Lex. He walked side-by-side with me as I walked up the driveway to the front door. I stopped only when I arrived, my eyes on the ground below me to avoid eye contact.

Realizing I was still wearing his hoodie, I jumped in surprise and began to pull at the bottom of it.

Logan, noticing I was beginning to take it off, quickly touched my wrist. "It's - uh, keep it, Rora." He murmured softly, ceasing any movements. "Just in case you get- I don't know, cold later or something."

Dropping the sweater, I nodded. "Thank you. Again."

"Anytime. Hey uh, are you- are you matching costumes with anyone for Halloween? You're coming to the party right?" He asked.

My eyes trailed from his face to his hand, which still held onto my wrist. I then looked back at him, seeing a look of what seemed like hope in his eyes.

"I was planning on coming, I just haven't really planned any costumes or anything yet." I shrugged.

"Would you- do you want to maybe match or something?" He asked, his cheeks turning a rosy pink color.

"Sure," I said without thinking.

It wasn't like I had any plans anyway.

"Would you like to maybe do like - Raven and Beastboy from Teen Titans? Or maybe, I don't know-"

"Yes," I cut him off again. I know if I think about it, I'll overthink it to the point I back out. And after realizing just how much fun I had with Logan today, I don't want to do that.

He smiled, not upset at all that I'd interrupted him. He bit the inside of his lip, nodding. "Cool. I'll provide the costumes, okay? You just need yourself."

I nodded, smiling back at him.

"Okay, great." He nodded, "This is going to be the best Halloween Bash I've ever thrown, I can feel it now."

"I hope so," I told him.

He finally removed his hand from my wrist, rubbing the back of his neck for a second as he was thinking. Finally, whatever he was thinking left his mind, and he just pulled me in for the same type of hug he hugged Lex with when telling her bye.

I hugged him back, simply because it felt weird not to. When we pulled away, the sound of footsteps took my attention away from Logan and to the yard.

Katherine looked between us with a look on her face, one of curiousness and suspicion. My cheeks burned as I stepped further away from Logan as if I were just caught doing something I wasn't supposed to, running my hands through my messy hair.

"I'll see you around, okay?" Logan asked. For once, he took the cue and left. He waved at Katherine kindly on his way out, who just smiled an awkward smile but waved anyway.

She continued the walk up to the porch where I waited for her, watching as Logan's car drove off and out of view. As soon as she realized he was gone, she turned to me with wide eyes. "What the fuck?"

"What?" I asked.

"You and Logan? You're-you're a thing now?" She asked, pointing back behind her.

I rolled my eyes as I walked into the house, waving hi to my dad before climbing up the stairs to my room. I waited until Katherine was in the room to respond, kicking my shoes off and sitting on my bed.

"It's not a thing," I said.

"Then what was that?" She asked, pointing her thumb over her shoulder. "That didn't look like it wasn't."

"A goodbye hug, he hugs everyone." I laid back, watching as she threw her jacket off. She kicked her shoes off before climbing into my bed as well, joining me.

"But that looked more than that. He- Rory," She laid on her side, propping her head up with her elbow. "He looked at you the way Carter did."

I frowned at the thought, at the mention of Carter. I hadn't managed to think about him hardly at all, but all it took was Katherine simply saying his name to bring my feelings back.

Looking over, I saw her looking at me with a look of what seemed to be sadness. I shook my head, clearing my throat before speaking. "Carter didn't look at me as anything more than a joke."

"Do you really believe that? Ror- I saw it, Elijah saw it. Elijah Layton. Carter's one and only best friend. Something's up and you don't notice?" She asked, leaning up further.

Sitting up, I fought back any tears that threatened to spill. "What's done is done. Whether there's more to it than we know, he chose to say what he said. He chose to do what he did. Even then, as I said, there's nothing between Logan and I."

"Does Logan know that?" She asked, motioning her head to the side. I didn't say anything and instead looked down, fighting back more tears. Her tongue clicked, and I could see her shaking her head in my peripheral. "He doesn't."

"He knows I'm not into him," I argued.

"How do you know? Did you tell him?" She asked. "I'm all for you moving on from Carter, Rory, but doing it with his brother of all people who looks at you like you're the love of his life is not-"

"He kissed me, and I ran." I looked up at her, ignoring the hot tears beginning to fall as I stopped her mid-sentence. "Th-the day that-that Carter ended things." I struggled to speak, breathing heavily and slowly to get my words out. "Right before it-it happened."

Katherine sat up, not having expected it. She knew that Carter ended things very suddenly with me, but I didn't give much details to that day. She simply thought it was just Carter ending things, but little did she know that it was more than that entirely.

"Rory," She murmured, her dark brows pushing together in thought. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's not your fault." I used the sleeves of Logan's sweater to wipe my tears. "So yeah, I know he likes me. But I think he-he got the hint that-that I didn't want anything more. Even then, he makes me forget so."

"You shouldn't have to use someone else to get your mind off of Carter. Carter hurt you, yes, but the last thing you should do is hurt someone else." Katherine shook her head.

"What if it's the only thing I can do?" I asked, holding my hands out as I looked over at her. "I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't get close to Logan, but I can't help it. He helps me forget. And as usual, he'll probably be the one to hurt me in the end. I'm never the one to hurt people, they always hurt me. So why not take advantage of it when I know what's to come? Why can't I be selfish this one time?"

Katherine's bottom lip pouted outward slightly, tears filling her eyes. "The last thing you are is selfish, Rory. You're one of the kindest, selfless people I've ever met and you're my best friend." She mumbled, reaching out to grab my hand.

"I don't feel that way," I said with a shake of my head. "All I do is seem to get hurt, clearly I deserve it, right? Am I so wrong to want to be like that? Hurt people because all I do is get hurt? To use them for a sliver of my happiness since that's all I am to people?" I cried, a sob escaping my lips.

Katherine scooted closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. This only made me cry harder, my vision blurred as I let the tears fall all over her T-Shirt. She held me there as I cried, her chin resting on the top of my head as she soothed me to the best of her abilities.

"Hurt people hurt people, Rora. If you go on to hurt people, it's just going to continue the cycle. That's what makes you so different is the fact that you don't ever hurt people despite how badly they've burned you." She mumbled, and I could feel the vibration in her chest. "You can do whatever you want with Logan. Carter hurt you, he did. And I don't think Logan deserves any type of hurt either, but if Logan's making you get over Carter, do what you need to. But you want my honest opinion?"

"I think that you using Logan for momentary happiness isn't going to do anything but hurt you worse than you think because you'll soon realize it's not going to help you get over Carter, despite how badly you want it to."

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Long chapter to make up for the lack of updates recently <3 I've had a lot of writers block despite knowing what I want in each chapter, so I've been taking special time with it.

Please apply to my Chad fic!! It's called Save Your Tears and I'm so beyond excited for it!