i think i think too much

Aurora Holland

The moment my eyes landed on Carter's, they darted away. I was embarrassed, this was embarrassing. I barely knew him, but him seeing me get made fun of the way he had was enough for me to not worry about the utensils I hadn't grabbed. I zipped up the bag and pulled myself up from the floor, sitting at my table as if nothing happened. I kept my eyes down, hoping to God he wouldn't bring more attention to me.

Not only had I dealt with the attention Paige always brought, but now Elijah and Carter not to mention it's only second period and I've already managed to get bullied. I just want to go home and cuddle up in my bed and forget this ever happened.

I scratched at the skin on my hand, my eyes never leaving the desk in front of me. I read the title of my painting workbook over and over as if it changed each time, and became more interesting every single time I read it over. It wasn't, but I couldn't look at him. This was embarrassing.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carter still crouched on the ground. It took everything in me to not look over at him, he was so close yet so far. Just as I thought he'd never leave, he finally stood up straight. He towered over me, especially since I was sitting down in the uncomfortable blue plastic school chairs.

He sat the remaining utensils I'd forgotten about on the table, pressing his hand flat as he leaned down over me. He was awfully close, I could smell a mixture of deodorant and cologne. He smelled good.

"You don't need to be embarrassed, Rory." He mumbled in my ear.

My mouth opened to respond, although I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say, it was as if he could read my thoughts. He didn't even see my face at this point, am I that much of an open book?

"Mr. Jackson, please take a seat." Mrs. Rosa spoke out loud, seeming to be waiting for him to start the class.

The entire class was looking at us, so I just kept my eyes on the workbook in front of me. I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut as I counted to three, hoping when I open them I'll be anywhere but here.

But unfortunately, this isn't a fairytale.

I moved my hand from scratching the top of my hand to twirling my ring, just to go back to scratching. I was overwhelmed, and I think it was mostly due to the amount of things that happened today. It was all too much, I felt like if anything else happened I might just throw up.

Carter's body moved away from mine, and I took a deep breath in relief. I felt like I was able to breathe, but it was short-lived as the seat next to me became occupied.

Occupied with Carter Jackson.

Gasps lightly echoed through the room, but I avoided looking. I know the girl next to me was probably more than pissed that Carter called her a bitch the way he had, but I knew looking to see her reaction would do nothing but anger her more.

It was as if they were surprised he sat next to someone, let alone me. Maybe it's wrong for me to give into the way they talk about Carter, I'd been hearing it off and on all day - not including Paige's rants. I just didn't think she was so... right about everything.

Mrs. Rosa glanced at me with a slightly worried look but continued with the class. Of course, just like in Ceramics, I was behind on everything. But just like before, Mrs. Rosa was very kind and helpful when it came to helping me catch up.

Painting is also so much easier to catch up in, unlike Ceramics. Despite this, however, I couldn't seem to focus. I've always been really good at focusing, not including my last class with Elijah. When it comes to art, I seem to forget about my sad and uneventful life. I get lost in it, the class only lasting what feels like ten minutes instead of how long it really is.

But for some reason, I was fidgeting in my seat. Maybe it was the whispers and stares, or maybe I was still recovering from the Kaya situation.

Or maybe it was the fact that Carter Jackson was sitting right next to me when I assumed he was going to act as if he had no idea who I was.

Maybe I'm wrong to assume he was the type of guy to act like he didn't know me. Maybe I was wrong to listen to what Paige and others have said. But I've never had someone actually do more than just look my way, so this was all foreign to me.

I'm stuck between wanting to act like Paige and put myself out there, and hiding away like I seem to be good at.

As soon as the bell rang, I shot out of my seat. I threw my things haphazardly into my backpack, my palms sweaty from how long I'd been holding them in my lap.

"What a freak," I heard Kaya mumble to her friend. This only encouraged me to move quicker, and my hands shook as I fumbled around with my belongings.

As soon as I zipped my backpack up, I threw it on my back and turned to leave. Just as I turned, I tripped over the leg of my chair and stumbled against the table.

Kaya and her friend snickered, seeming to find my embarrassment funny. I began to walk away, my chest hurting too much from the unneeded bullying. But then I remembered how I'd refused to let my mother run over me this morning, and I knew if I walked away I'd feel guilty. My mother's words constantly ran in my mind and I stopped as I turned and faced the girl completely.

"Bullying looks ugly on you," Of course, it was a lame comeback and the best I could come up with. I took in a sharp breath as she sent me a look, seeming to not be intimidated by my words at all. I bit my tongue before swallowing nervously, lowering my voice. "Carter will never notice you in the way you want when you're hurting others you don't even know."

Her jaw dropped, the girl behind her covering her hand with her mouth. With that, I left. I didn't want nor need to say anything else, feeling I already said too much. But I felt accomplished with the fact I said something, anything to show I wasn't someone they could run over.

It sucks being me. One second I'm nervous and let people walk all over me, but then I turn around and I'm just fed up. It's like whiplash, constantly not knowing whether to say something or stay quiet. It's truly a curse to feel the way I feel so deeply, and part of me wishes I could just walk around as if I didn't care.

I found my way to my locker, putting the combination in. Despite it only being about the third time I've used it, I've already managed to remember the combination. It was an easy combo, and part of me was glad because it was one less thing I had to put so much focus on.

Shoving my painting workbook into my locker, I found my Government textbook. It was all I needed for the next class, so I quickly rushed in hopes of getting to my next class before it was full.

All I had to do was get through this next class, then I just had a short homeroom period and my last class of that day, which was AP Environmental Science. It was so close, yet so far and so hopefully the more I focused on the schoolwork and catching up, the quicker it'd go by.

One can only hope, right?

"You forgot this," A voice to my right spoke as soon as I shut my locker door. I jumped at the sudden sound, my heart beating heavily against my chest. I looked over to see Carter leaning against the locker next to mine.

I glanced around the hall, seeing people watching us closely. They whispered, some to where I couldn't hear and some to where I could. They were confused as to why Carter Jackson was talking to me, the boring, bland new girl. It was very odd, I don't even think I heard people gossip this much at Point Prep.

My eyes traveled back to Carter, who held something out to me. It was my art folder - but for Ceramics and not painting. I had somehow forgotten it, maybe I just mistook it for his folder since it was closer to his side of the two-person table.

"Oh, thank you." I politely told him, taking the laminated red folder. I sat it on top of my Government textbook, holding it close to my chest.

Carter looked as if he wanted to say something, but decided against it. I don't know whether it would've been about what Kaya did to me or what I said to her, or even if it was nothing about that. I'd probably never know, either. 

"I need to get going," I excused, beginning to walk in the direction of the social studies hall.

"Rory, wait-" Carter quickly called out. I glanced at the people staring, taking two steps back. "Are you-" He stopped, seeming to not know what to say what he wanted. "It's nice seeing you after the party."

Is that all he really wanted to say? People definitely heard it, and this only caused people to whisper louder. It was echoing in my ears, and I could feel my heart hammering against my chest.

I just nodded, turning and speedwalking down the hall. I didn't really know where I was going, but I had a good idea. Thanks to Cameron's directions earlier, I knew all of the classes relating to history were going to be in the same area of the high school. It made it easier considering this was a huge high school, with what felt like a million classes.

Weaving my way through the sea of people, I kept my head down so I could get from Point A to Point B without a problem. My head hurt, my feelings were hurt, and I was overwhelmed.

I knew my first day at Riverway High School was going to be rough, I didn't expect anything less. But it would've been much easier to get through if I hadn't had my own morning soap opera episode before leaving my house this morning.

The schedule sat between my Government textbook and my Ceramics folder, and I slipped it out in one swift motion to double-check the classroom my class would be in. After double-checking the room number multiple times, I sighed in relief as only a couple of people occupied the seats.

Two of them were friendly faces, one noticing me as soon as I walked through the classroom door.

"Hey!" Cameron shot up from his spot in the back of the classroom.

Griffin, who also seemed to have this class, looked up from his phone with a smile. He waved at me as he noticed I was looking, and I shyly waved back politely.

Cameron met me at the front of the classroom. He'd ditched his hoodie, as it was hanging on the back of his desk chair. These desks were different than my last two classes, the singular brown ones that had chairs attached to them. He towered over me, and although he wasn't as tall as Logan or Carter, he was still a very good foot or so above me.

"I didn't realize we had a class together," He sheepishly said, "I would've offered to come find you and help you get here."

"I found it," I spoke, realizing how stupid that sounded. I'd obviously found it, considering I was standing here. I didn't say anything, though, too afraid to make even more of a fool of myself.

"You can sit next to Griff and I. We don't have assigned seats in here." He nodded his head back, where Griffin seemed to be watching us carefully.

I nodded in return, feeling grateful for the kind gesture. I didn't know Griffin minus when I met him at the mall, so I don't know exactly how nice he is. But if he's one of Cameron's close friends, then surely he's just as kind.

I know I've been having this internal dispute on whether to believe Cameron's kindness, but the more and more he talks to me, the more I believe he has good intentions behind his kindness. He doesn't seem to be doing it for him, and part of me wonders if he's doing it because he was once a new kid here and wanted the help himself.

There were two options to sit down, one seat next to Griffin and one right in front of it next to Cameron. I took the one next to Cameron as I knew him better, and I didn't want Griffin to think I was weird for sitting by him.

"Have you enjoyed classes so far?" Cameron immediately asked as I shoved my Ceramics folder into my backpack. It was a huge mess, and I kind of regret zooming out the way I had.

"It's okay," I admitted, beginning to organize the contents in my bag.

"What classes have you taken so far?" Griffin asked, getting into the conversation.

"Two art classes. Ceramics and painting." I answered. I didn't look at the two boys to my right as I continued to organize my bag, knowing it was going to bother me until I fixed it.

"You like art?" Griffin asked.

"I love it," I spoke as I finally looked over at him. He was giving me his undivided attention, seemingly interested in what I had to say. "I hope to go to school for it."

"Really? That's cool." Cameron smiled, showing his pearly white teeth. "What school?"

"I don't know yet, I haven't really looked." I shrugged, fiddling with the ring on my finger.

"You still have time. You could talk to my sister Quinn, she's very into the academics and knows what schools are good to go into." Griffin suggested, "I'm sure she'll be glad to make a friend as well."

"Thank you, Griffin," I told him kindly, putting my attention back to the backpack in front of me.

It grew quiet between us, but I could feel both of the boys watching me closely. I don't know if they expected me to say something, but quite frankly I was too exhausted to try. The day wasn't even halfway over, I hadn't even had lunch yet I felt like I was drowning with the events of the day.

The bell rang, and I found myself pulling the things I'd need for the class out before putting the attention on the front of the class. There was an older man up at the front, seeming to be preparing something on his laptop for class.

There were muffled whispers around the classroom, although they didn't sound anything like before. It sounded like people just simply talking to talk. Sports, shopping, anything else but another person.

It was much better.

My happiness was short-lived, however, as the classroom door swung open and my eyes landed on the same leather jacket from only moments before.

Jesus fucking Christ, how many classes am I going to have with this guy?