If you asked Jeongguk to sum up his home life in one word he probably couldn't. Even if he tried really hard only one word came to mind when he thought of that place: hell.

He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment in time that it happened, but he remembers the dreadful feeling he got in his gut whenever his father started treating him differently.

He went from treating him as any father would treat his son. He'd spend time with him when he could, he'd take him with him to run errands or to get ice cream. He'd sign him up for all kinds of sports and support him even if he was terrible.

He loved him in the best ways he could.

But that changed when Jeongguk turned eleven. He didn't know what changed exactly, it was just a feeling he had.

His dad would look at him with judgemental eyes. Not the judgemental eyes he looked at him with when he made a mistake during a sports game or when he failed a test in school, colder, more angry eyes.

"Is dad mad at me?" He remembers asking his mother the night of his eleventh birthday. They had thrown him a party and invited all his friends from his class. He had fun that day, but his father's glare still worried him.

"No, honey," His mother said, sitting down on the edge of his bed and looking down at him with a sympathetic smile. "He's just worried about you, that's all."

"Why?" He asked. "Did I do something to make him worry?"

He remembers his mother's expression clearly, the way she smiled instead of answering. "You sleep tight, okay? You still have to go to school tomorrow."

There were so many questions running through his head that he couldn't sleep, even if he wanted to. So he crept down the stairs that night, sitting down on the steps as he listened to his parents speak in hushed tones.

"He's a child, Juwan," His mother said. "He isn't concerned with those kinds of things yet."

"He's not a child anymore," His father's voice said angrily. "All his friends are girls. And he begs you to buy him those girly things from the shop~"

"He's artistic, he just likes those things~"

"He acts like a little fag~"

"Juwan," His mother snapped. "He's just a sensitive boy. There's nothing wrong with being a sensitive boy."

"No son of mine is going to be raised up that way," His father said. "It stops tonight. Get rid of all that shit you brought him. I don't care what he wants. He's starting soccer with the other boys next weekend."

"He hates soccer, Juwan," His mother argued. "He just isn't that type of boy."

"You heard what I said," His father said, his tone final. "I'll be damned if I raise a f*ggot."

Jeongguk contemplated over that word that night, and that was the first time he was aware of sexuality and what that meant.

He's heard the word thrown around at school, the word 'gay' was an insult. He never thought about being gay, but he knew it was a bad thing.

So the next morning he went up to his mother, his art supplies in hand, and he handed them over.

"I don't like drawing anymore, mama," He said, forcing himself not to sound sad. "I think I'm gonna start soccer next weekend with Duri and Hye."

    "Are you sure?" His mother asked as she took the art supplies. "You told mama you hated soccer, bun."

    "Y-Yeah," he said, turning to face his father at the kitchen table. "Is that okay, dad? If I joint the team next weekend?"

    "Sure," His father answered curtly, not looking away from the newspaper he was holding. "We'll get your cleats tomorrow."

Jeongguk turned to leave without meeting his mother's eyes, mostly to avoid letting her see the pain in his own. He thought his dad would be happy that he wanted to join the soccer team, but he was still cold.

When he went to school that day he told all his friends that he couldn't be their friend anymore. When they asked him why, he told them the truth.

    "Only fairies play with little girls," He said before walking away from the group, catching up with the guys who were headed to the basketball courts.

He didn't want to play basketball, but he also didn't want to upset his father. So, even though he'd much rather be having a chalk drawing contest with Sena, he forced himself to act like he was having a great time.

~

Jeongguk thought his father would treat him better if he did things that he wanted him to. He thought the coldness he received from him would disappear with every sport he played or every guy he befriended.

But it seemed like it just got worse, like he just got meaner.

    "Go to your room, now!" His dad screamed as they were getting in from one of his baseball games, shoving him towards the stairs.

    "What did I do?" He asked, tears forming in his eyes. "We won the game, dad, you saw. I did everything coach told me to do~"

    "I don't care about your stupid game," His dad shouted. "You think you can hug that boy the way you did and I have nothing to say about it?"

    "Juwan," His mother said grabbing his father's arm. "That's enough."

    "W-What?" Jeongguk asked, his heart sunk as he looked up at his dad.

    "Go to your room, you're grounded," His dad said, pulling away from his mother and storming off.

    "Go take a shower, honey," His mom said as she ruffled his hair. "You played a good game, mama's proud of you, okay?"

    "He hates me when I don't hang out with boys and he hates me when I do?" Jeongguk asked in confusion. "W-Who am I supposed to be friends with?"

    "He doesn't hate you," His mom said. "We love you, bun."

Jeongguk didn't respond to his mother. He went to his room and crawled into his bed, still wearing his uniform from his game.

That night, as he cried himself to sleep, he told himself that he had to be alone.

His dad would hate him no matter who he chose to befriend, so he decided not to be friends with anyone.

~

Jeongguk spent the majority of his preteen years friendless. He didn't play sports, he didn't take art classes, he didn't do anything.

He just laid in his bed for hours unless he was in school. He'd lay there and look at the ceiling like the cracks would rearrange themselves if he stared long enough.

When he turned thirteen he did nothing for his birthday. His mom got him a phone and his dad didn't even utter a happy birthday wish to him.

He didn't expect him to.

Being alone most of the time lead Jeongguk to discovering ways to entertain himself, and distract himself from the loneliness he felt.

When he watched porn time would go by without him even realizing it. He didn't watch it for the quality or for pleasure, he watched it to drown out the world around him until he inevitably fell asleep.

He thought he'd found the perfect escape when he started watching porn, but he quickly realized that his problems were only amplified by it.

He hated himself when he watched gay porn, but he hated watching straight porn even more.

All porn was shit, he knew that. But he found himself more entertained by gay porn and he navigated towards it more.

That only lead him to think more and more about his sexuality. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he may be gay.

    "Do you think gay people go to hell?" He asked his mom when his dad was out working. He knew asking while he was there would result in a lecture and discipline.

    "No," His mother answered, looking up from the book she was reading. "Hell is an idea that was created to instill fear in people, honey."

    "Don't you think fear protects a lot of people," Jeongguk asked.

    "Yes, but it also holds a lot of people back," His mom says. "Fear is no good when it stops you from being yourself or living your life authentically."

Jeongguk didn't understand his mother. He didn't understand why she didn't just tell him that hell was real and that he was going to go if he didn't change his ways.

If being gay was as bad as his father and old friends made it seem, why would his mother not discourage him?