I took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell.

Seetha opened the door. She had bags under her eyes and she seemed thinner than the last time I saw her, which was three weeks ago at the crime scene were her husband was lying lifeless. Seetha smiled sadly at me and walked inside. She did not welcome me verbally neither did I wish for it.

It was not the first time I was going to Arjun's house but it felt like it. The house seemed gloomy and dead. I was pretty sure that it had been days since the house was swept or cleaned. There was a lot of cobwebs in the corners of the room. I coughed as I sat on a sofa.

"Who is it?" I heard Lathika Aunty, Arjun's mother's weak voice behind me. I stood up as soon as our eyes met. Her eyes looked lifeless and she looked aged. Her white Saree was not worn properly and her long thin hair was knotted in a messy bun. She walked weakly towards me with a faint smile and hugged me tightly. I stood motionless in her hug for sometime before she retreated. I did not know what to say to a mother who lost her son and son-in-law on the same day.

"Wait here," She wiped her tears and rushed to her room.

She came back with a gift box and extended it to me. I  accepted the gift and sat back.

The box was a little heavy and it was covered in a black wrapper with red ribbon. I ran my fingers over the wrapper as I felt a tug at my heart. Arjun bought this wrapper when I was with him. He asked me to select my favourite wrapper and I chose it. He never mentioned what the gift was or for whom he bought it, no matter how much I asked. 

 She sat in front of me and sighed.

"Arjun wanted to give it to you but..." She said. She managed to smile at me even if her eyes watered.

I smiled at her but I, myself knew that it was fake. I could not smile. I felt suffocated. I felt like someone was choking me. His mother slumped as she looked longingly at the gift. I could not face his mother like that and I started looking everywhere but at her, as I tried to control my tears. I could feel the light burning in my eyes and I bit the inside of my cheeks.

It was the first time I came to the house without Arjun and Indran. My eyes ran over the wailing walls and the grieving ground. The house felt unusually dark in Arjun's absence. I felt heaviness in my heart as my gaze fell on our photo.

Arjun and Indran were standing on either of my sides. We took that photo when we went to Trivandrum for collecting information on Kaalan's 'activity' in the previous year. When it was the three of us, official trips were more joyful than vacations. I and Indran were looking at the camera while smiling like fools. It was taken from a park. There was no clear view of the background as our faces almost filled the frame.

Arjun wasn't looking at the camera. He had his eyes on me. Our faces were so close, I must have felt his breath on my cheek but I did not notice it back then. I could see the softness and care in his eyes. His smile was genuine but it wasn't for the camera. I could not control any longer, I covered my face with my palms and cried.

one tear.

The way he used to smile at me.

Two tears.

The way he held my hand when all three of us went to Payyambalam beach to watch the sunset.

Three tears.

He gave me a rose, a day, throughout the month of February.

Four tears.

The way he screamed my name from the top of the building where Kaalan visited in the previous year.

Five tears.

The way he beamed at me whenever a couple passed by

Six tears, seven tears, eight tears....

I felt two hands on my shoulders and raised my head to see Arjun's mother kneed in front of me. She wiped my tears and kissed on my forehead. She pulled my head onto her bosom and stroked my back.

"He wanted to give it on your first friendversary and propose you. He kept practising daily for the proposal. Nothing was enough for him when it came to you"

"He loved you more than you could ever imagine, Keerthi. I know that you never saw him as anything more than a friend but for him, you meant the world," She looked into my eyes as she raised my head by my chin.

I felt a sudden pang of guilt wash over me.

"I want you to avenge him, Keerthi. I want you to avenge Seetha and Indran. My daughter did not leave the bed for the last few weeks unless someone rang the bell. She is still hoping for Indran to return magically" Her grip on my shoulders tightened for a second before she took my hand in hers.

"I want you to find him, Keerthi. Find Kalan, I beg you. No parent should have to suffer like me." She brought my hands together and leant to have her forehead on my hands. Her tears flowed through my hand before dripping to the ground.

*****

As I drove away my mind was clouded with thoughts of Arjun and his family. I did not know if I would ever see them again but I was sure that they would always be there in my heart spreading the warmth of beautiful memories in a heart that was crystallised in my childhood.

I looked at the gift box in the front seat. It was something that was given to me by someone who valued me more than his life. I was always aware of his feelings but I kept telling myself that I was just imagining the stolen glances and the secret smiles. After all, he was five years younger than me and it was almost impossible for a guy to love an elder lady according to the anonymous society.

I thought he belonged to them. I did not think that he was ready to stand out for me.

I would never be able to know how he actually felt for me because he wasn't there anymore to speak for himself but everything that happened that day let me understand that I was, indeed, someone too special for him.

The day of the last Onam when we were together passed through my mind.

 We were feeling hellish that day since we did not know about Kaalan's next step. There was tremendous security in all the highways, arranged by the police. A lot of private firms too provided the security that they could afford, this wasn't for saving a life, however. It was mostly for either catching the culprit or being the first to collect clues or evidence to track 'kaalan' down.

Arjun took me to a beach that evening. I asked him about Indran and he said to me that Indran was not interested in accompanying us. We spent some beautiful time at the Ezhara beach that day. He dropped me at my house at about 7 pm. We knew that it was going to be a hectic night with a lot of phone calls, urgent messages and suspects.

Arjun insisted on walking me to my door and I had to accept it. He stood in front of my house without climbing the three stairs to my front door. He stood there patiently with one of his hands in his pocket and the other on the hand trail. I smiled at him and was about to close the door when he called my name. 

"What?" I widened the gap and asked him.

He simply shrugged and smiled like a fool at me.

"Go!" I said and giggled.

"You look beautiful in your set saree."

"Thanks, you too... I mean in your mundu" I said.

"Thanks" He said and continued smiling like a fool. I was starting to grow uncomfortable in the silence. I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible because I knew that I had to devote myself to the work to prove my worth.

"Um...aren't you leaving?" I asked him.

"Yeah," He ran his hand through his hair. "Yeah..bye"

I was about to close the door again when he called my name. I peeked through the gap and raised an eyebrow. He simply shrugged and walked away. The next day at the same time, I was mourning over his loss.

My name was the last word he pronounced in front of me...

I opened my lonely apartment with a gift box in my hand.

Chandni and Fathima shifted to a new apartment, a few days ago and my apartment went back to being silent as a grave. Everything was neatly arranged but everything was joyless. Everything looked like the reminisces of the old me.

The wall sticker that said 'everything is possible' and the calendar on which the date of Onam was marked ridiculed me. The photos of Kaalan's victims, that were pinned to a thermocoal board on my wall mocked me. The case file on my study table laughed at me.

The diary, that Arjun gifted, beckoned me and I walked towards it after locking the door behind.

I took my pen and wrote my emotions away.

Holding your hands, I could fly into heaven

Holding your hands, I could slumber on the moon

Holding your hands, I could catch the stars

but now that you lay dead, my love

Holding hands, let us sleep beneath the land 

Forever,

Together,

Peacefully,

I was about to close the book when my phone rang, it was Raziya. She had two things to tell me and one of them was unexpected though welcomed. Both of them were related to a recent prison escapee.