"Karthutty..."

There were just three people who called me Karthutty in my life. My parents and him.

I did not have a beautiful and memorable childhood. My parents were constantly fighting on everything from 'a little too much of salt in Sambar' to 'a little too much of chauvinistic ego.

We were a middle-class family in Palakkad. A normal house with a normal family. 

My father used to leave for work at about 7'o clock in the morning and return at about 8'o clock. He was a rickshaw driver. He used to buy chocolates for me every day. He would return with a smiling face for me, he would lift me, swirl me in the air, kiss me and tickle me until I said that he was the best father in the world.

However, he would return with a grumpy face for my mother. They would start with a trial at casual conversations, but, almost every night it used to end up with one of them lying on the floor and the other on the bed.

My mother wasn't bad. She was a housewife who used to work from dusk to dawn like a worker ant. She would prepare my favourite dishes for me. She used to sew clothes and make dolls for me. She loved spending time with me and her unwavering smile was a piece of clear evidence for that.

Neither of them was people who could be labelled as short-tempered or non-corporative but something between them wasn't just right and in our society divorce was an unforgivable crime. One of the partners had to be labelled as the culprit. So my parents knew that a divorce would end up with my maternal family backbiting about my father and my paternal family spreading scandals about my mother. My parents also did not want me to b affected by it. So they adjusted with a loveless life.

There were four members in my family, my grandfather, me and my parents. It was actually me and my grandfather who suffered more due to their fights more than them.

Whenever my parents fought he would get inside my room and lay next to me on my bed. Sometimes, he used to hug me and cage me in his hairy arms, pressing his hairless chest against my face, other times he used to bite me with his yellow teeth. I used to hate having to feel his bushy grey beard and oily bald but he used to take my hand forcefully and run it through his beard and bald. He was lanky but his thrashes were extremely painful. I used to wonder if he used to do the same to my cousins and other kids around me.

 For years, no matter how much I screamed, my parents' screams were louder and thus mine were unheard.

It was only when I was thirteen that my parents started hearing my screams. They tried to find solutions but at the end of their trials, I got more hurt and I lied to them that I wasn't being hurt anymore.

My parents met a car accident when I was thirteen and I was shifted to an orphanage. His visits decreased but it never stopped. He used to visit me there too, even if it was only once in a while. He used to force me to go out with him and I used to sneak out of the orphanage since I was afraid that he would hurt my friends.

I started hating the world because of him. The monsoon rains and never stopping rivers could not bring the warmth of joy to my heart.  I became suicidal due to everything that was happening around me.

I had cut my wrist many times. I tried hanging from the ceiling when I was in plus two and afraid that I would not get Straight A grades. I tried to jump off a cliff when I was acquiring my degree in forensic science and couldn't top the class. I tried taking poison when I had to break up with Riddick. I had a conversation about all these topics with him, it would be more appropriate if I say that he shared his opinion on all these matters even if I did not ask for help. It is hard to believe that his talks and my attempts were not connected.

However, I managed to overcome but he never left me alone and I was sure that he was going to haunt me till I took my own life.

I could not stop him from visiting me. I changed houses and places but I could not run away from him. He was the only person who was still with me and who kept reminding me of my past that I wish never existed.

He was a monster and I was never proud of his presence in my life but some people stay in your life even if you do not want them to. He was one of them.

An unwelcomed guest.