Eve POV

I'm at my Dad's house with Avery and Harry. Lexi is over as well, which is nice because Avery likes playing dolls with her. It's weird to think that they're only five years apart.

The girls are in the living room and Harry, my Dad and I are in the dining room talking. "I wanted to tell you something," My Father says while playing with the loose change on the brown table top.

"What is it?" I ask while glancing up at him. His brown eyes are on me, but glance away. This causes my eyebrows to knot.

"You're the first one I'm telling so," He itches his head and lets out a small sigh. "I'm selling the house,"

My eyes widen and I remain silent for a brief moment. "What? Why?" I ask.

"I want to live with my family," He says simply. "Meaning Lexi, Zoe, and Rachel. Not that you aren't my family but--you get what I'm saying," My Dad rambles briefly.

"Oh," I say. I love this house. I like having my childhood room, and I like that I still consider this my home even thought I don't live here anymore. I've been over Zoe's house a few times, and I just don't get that feeling like I do when I'm here. 

"I'm never here unless I have you or your brothers visit. And it's just a bill that I shouldn't be paying anymore because I'm never here, you know? I'd rather have the money for the mortgage go to Lexi or Rachel." He explains. "If you want your things, you can pack them. I have boxes already upstairs. If you don't, I'll donate your things to Good Will," 

"I'll um," I pause for a short moment. "I'll see what I want to take," I answer. "Are you going to pack Charlies room up?" I ask my Dad. No one has been in Charlies room since he died. His door was usually always closed, so we kept it that way. 

"Yeah, Zoe was going to help me pack up his things," He tells me. I nod and stand up.

"I'm going to see what I want to take," I announce. My Dad nods and I leave the dining room and head to the stairs. I walk up the steps and open my old bedroom door. I look inside the dark room, and bite my lower lip. I close my door and continue walking down the hallway that is a bit dark.

I stop at my late brothers bedroom and debate if I actually want to go inside or not. I decide on it and open his door. My eyes land on a perfectly clean room. Everything is neat and placed perfectly in their wanted places.

There are some posters on his dark blue walls, but there are mostly paintings that are hung up, which makes me smile. I forgot that he loved art. 

He has his bin full of paint tubes besides his bed. His sketch books are in one of clear drawers as well. I'm tempted to look through them, but I don't. 

I look over to the doorway and see Harry standing in the frame. His green eyes are on me, and I can tell his eyes are soft by the way he's looking at me. Harry walks in and closes the door behind him. "Just looking around?" My husband asks.

No, I want to find a note.

"Yeah," I answer. I take my eyes off of Harry and look to Charlie's closet that's closed. I walk over to his closet and open it. I see his clothes hanged up by shades of colors. I smile gently and scan the rest of the small space. I see his keyboard in it's black case making my head tilt a little. 

I go on my tippy toes and reach for the heavy object on the high shelf. Harry sees what I'm trying to reach for, and he gets it for me without struggle. "Thanks," I say with a soft smile. He just nods with a small smile and places it on the bed in the corner of the room. I open the main pocket and see his sheet music as well as some pencils. I huff to myself and keep rummaging around.

"Are you trying to find something?" Harry asks me after a while. I remain silent and keep looking. "Eve-"

"I'm just looking around," I say, dismissing the short conversation. 

"Are you trying to find a note?" He asks.

"Maybe," I mumble. Harry drops it and I bite my lip. 

I come across a small pocket inside the bag and feel around. I come across some paper causing my heart to pound. I pull it out and see more sheet music making me sigh. I ask Harry to put the keyboard away, and he does. 

I look through the desk drawers now, desperate for anything at this point. I know my Dad went looking in his desk for something because everything is messy in here. Charlie was always neat and clean. So I guess someone has been here since he died.

I walk over to his art cubical and open the middle drawer filled of his sketchbooks. I rummage around until I find a stack of paper. Under some paper I find an envelope. It's not licked shut, but it's tucked in and has writing on the cover. 

All it says is:

to: someone. 

I take whatever paper is in the envelope out and scan the lined paper that has writing on it. 

So, this is my suicide note for the person who cared enough to find it. 

I'm not going to write a lot, because I'd rather not get too caught up in my thoughts and feelings. I'll just briefly glance over them for you to understand why I killed myself. 

I assume Eve, you found this note, so I'll be writing this for you and to you. If you aren't Eve and found this, well then who are you? I know my brothers don't care enough to look so, my dead self is confused. 

Anyways shall we begin? 

(Eve) I'm sorry if my death affected you in a way. I assumed it wouldn't, as selfish as that sounds. But, maybe by the time you find this note that I've secretly hidden for a reason, you won't care about my death that much, which was oddly the goal. I didn't want to leave a visible note because I don't want anyone to know what was going on with me. So, enjoy my pathetic feelings and "story". 

1) I got bullied. 

I got bullied for playing piano, enjoying art and being a male, and not being "a man". I didn't enjoy any sport, I hated watching them as well. I didn't like fixing cars, talking about cars, talking about women like they're nothing, all of that somehow didn't make me a man to some. 

Daren especially liked to point out how I was the wimpiest out of all of the boys in the house. Ethan used to make jokes saying you (Eve) were tougher than me, and there were times Dad even wanted me to act more manly to get stuff down around the house. The only one who didn't give me a ton of shit was Mason. He still made fun every once and a while, but not as bad as the other three. 

Besides our family whom I 75 percent of the time dislike, at school I got bullied. I got shoved into lockers, put into garbage cans, and the list goes on. But, I'd spare you the details of the self hatred I started to grow for myself, because who cares right?

2) I hated being different.

Yes, there are a ton of teenage movies of the protagonist being "different" and "shy", but none of that describes the real events, real "different" and "shy" people go through. You don't randomly get friends one random day of the school year. You don't get people to stick up for you, and the new kids at school become popular easily. They don't sit with the one loser at lunch. So if you're thinking "being different isn't that bad", then I'm happy that you think that. Me on the other hand think far from that.

I was told being the way I am makes me a pussy. Quoting my dickish older brother Daren. No girl wants the guy who likes to go to art museums instead of making out on the couch at home. No girl wants to be with the guy who looks scrawny, who's a nerd, so on.

Oddly enough Daren was right.

3) I fell in love

I had one friend, maybe you remember her Eve. 

Her name was Jane. She moved though, but we were best friends. She was amazing really. She enjoyed the things I did, and she didn't treat me any different from her other friends. I've known Jane since I was 10, and we were friends since then. Well, since I was 18 to be exact. 

I fell in love with Jane. Yes, that sounds cliche, but it happened. I've loved her since I was 16, and knew she didn't feel the way I did. I know that because she'd freely talk to me about boys she likes and thinks are cute.

The boys she liked were tall, "good looking", not scrawny, and the overall the opposite of me. That didn't stop be from continuing to like her despite the many, many times she said "I love you like a brother".

Yes, I'm fully aware that equals friend zone.

She moved to upstate New York, but we continued our friendship. She made friends up there as I'd expect, but we always talked on the phone at night to catch up, which I liked.

I saw her two months ago. I don't know when you're reading this, but I talked to Jane 2 months before I died if you're confused by my sentence.

She came down to visit for the weekend, which was nice. But she was different. She didn't look different, she was just different. My dumb self pushed away, the way she was acting to the side though, because I was going to tell her how I feel. After two years I grew balls to, go me. 

I told her I loved her that weekend. Jane was really the only thing that made me not want to die. Once she moved away the bullying got worse because my only friend moved. I sat alone in all my classes, and overall she was my only happiness. When I said the words to her, her eyes closed and she looked even more different. Not the good kind that is.

Jane told me that she didn't feel that way about me, and never will. 

I was nice to her. I complimented her, I did everything a potential boyfriend should act like. I did askJane why she never will feel that way about me.

And she said the following words that will always be with me.

I'm not manly enough.

I'm too scrawny.

And I'm not something she sees in a guy. 

She went on and told me that she has a boyfriend named Harry, who she is in love with. I remained silent and just nodded, not caring about her love life. Jane asked if we could still be friends and I said no. 

She asked why and I just said the obvious, like how I don't want to be friends with the girl who doesn't love me the way I love her. Jane said I haven't been with anyone to know what love is. My version of love is false for her. She said I only think that way because she's the only girl who was willing to talk to me.

So I guess all the butterflies in my stomach when she smiled wasn't anything.

I guess me leaving roses by her doorstep on Valentines Day wasn't because I liked her. I was doing it just because I felt nice. 

I guess the times she said I looked nice, and my hands started to get sweaty meant nothing too. 

Like always, my feels for anything became irrelevant to someone. 

Then Jane went on a rant telling me why she will never date me. She kept comparing me to Harry and how he acts, like I give a damn. 

She left, and I haven't talked to her since.

A part of me regrets telling her how I feel, because I lost the only happiness in my life. I also lost the only friend I ever made.

This note is becoming a letter, so I'll stop now.

Maybe to you my reasons seem invalid for wanting to die. But, I'm tired of feeling unwanted and different. 

So, if I make into heaven, or if there is even one, I'll see you there Eve. Have a happy life.

I love you

~Charlie (your scrawny brother)

Tears are brimming my eyes and my eyes are stinging. There is a lump in my throat and I bite my lip to push back the tears I want to let out. 

"Did you get closure from it?" I hear Harry ask me.

"I want to be alone," I manage to say.

"Eve-"

"Leave me alone, please," I say, my voice lowering. I don't look to him or even care to right now. I feel his hand squeeze mine before leaving my brothers room. Once I hear the door close, tears start to leave my eyes.

I knew Daren, Ethan, and Mason pushed Charlie too much. Hell, even my Dad did. I thought they were just trying to act like brothers, but I guess not. 

Don't even get me started about Jane. 

I wipe my eyes and try to calm myself down. I wish I found this note sooner. I wish I did more if I'm being honest. 

***

I showed my Dad the note.

He cried.

Of course it made him guilty for putting pressure on Charlie to be more "manly". No matter what I will always hate seeing my Dad cry, so that made me more emotional.

I haven't talked to Harry still. I know I shouldn't be mad at him over anything, but I just feel sick looking at him and I don't know why. I think it's the fact Jane compared him to my brother is what's getting to me. 

It's nine at night now and Avery is in her room asleep, and I'm laying down on my mattress facing the bathroom. My eyes are screwed shut, and I'm trying to force myself to sleep. I just want this day to be over with.

"Are you mad at me or something?" I hear my husband ask from his side of the bed.

"No," I answer. 

"Then why have you been dismissing me? You haven't even looked at me since your Dad's house," He brings up. 

"I just-" I pause, unable to explain. "I'm just taking out whatever anger I have on Jane on you because it's easier than being mad at a dead woman,"

"Jane?" Harry questions.

"The note is on my dresser, go read it," I say. 

He doesn't respond, he just gets out bed. I see Harry walk over to my dresser and pick up the pieces of paper that were rested on top. 

My husband starts reading what Charlie wrote years ago. I go back to looking at the closed bathroom door in the mean time.

Once he's done reading it, he gets back into bed and sits close to me. "She never mentioned anything about him," He brings up.

"That doesn't help," I say. I don't want to know that Charlie's only friend didn't bother to tell anyone about him. 

"I-" Harry pauses. "Maybe Jane was just overwhelmed when she said all of those things?" He comes up with.

"Of course you'd say that," I mumble.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry asks. His voice lowers.

"I mean, she's your late wife, of course you'd make excuses for her," I say bluntly. 

"I'm not making excuses," He defends. "If your best friend said he loved you and stuff wouldn't you be overwhelmed?" 

"I would, but I wouldn't go low blow and tell him that how he feels isn't real," I answer. Harry remains silent.

"I was just trying to help," He mumbles back.

"I just want to be left alone right now," I say again. I'm not in the mood to speak to anyone if I'm honest.

Harry doesn't respond or say anything. He just turns off his lamp, which makes the room turn dark.

I close my eyes and force myself to sleep.

A://N

rip long chapter

comment goal: 70???

^ i'll update again tonight if we get thaaaat

ty for reading!

~lauren