I'mma just launch right into another one. I have no idea where all of this is coming from.

...

San's POV

...

I groaned, blinking my eyes and immediately wishing I hadn't. It was so bright above me. I screwed them shut while my brain attempted to reboot. What happened? Right now it felt like someone plowed me down with a bulldozer. I ached all over. And, faintly, I could hear little beeps. With a lot of difficulty, I opened my eyes again, wincing at the harsh florescent. My fingers danced wildly on the sheet below me, digging harshly into the stiff material. And as I came to, the overwhelming scent of chemicals crashed into me.

"Oh good, you're up," a deep voice rumbled above me. It still felt like my brain was trying to wake up, so I was sure my face looked strange to the guy leaning over me. The beeping lessened. "His vitals are normal," the guy continued, turning away. Vitals? Oh, I must've been in the hospital.

What the hell happened?

"God San, you gave us quite the scare there." Mom's voice penetrated the fog. Her face appeared in front of me. I went to sit up, and immediately regretted that when the world started to spin again. "Woah, easy there," she said, grabbing my shoulders and easing me down. "You fainted during school and wouldn't wake up." Ah, that was what happened. "We were worried it was something serious."

"He was a little dehydrated," the man, who must've been my doctor, cut in. "Otherwise everything was normal." And suddenly I was hit with a wave of memories. It was damn near enough to make me kneel over a second time. I groaned, rolling to my side and curling up. The guilt. The stomach churning guilt I felt every time his face flashed in my mind. I watched the life drain from him a second time. Heard the heartbreak in his voice.

"No, stop, please!" I cried, my arms flying up to cover my face. I tugged at my hair. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Sobs coursed through me, shuddery and quick. They hurt. But it was exactly what I deserved. "I'm sorry!"

"San, San, hey it's okay." My hands were moved down, and a face filled my vision. I thrashed around despite my body's protests. I had to get away. I had to get away from them. From Yunho and Mingi. From Hongjoong and Seonghwa hyung. From Jongho. From all of them before I ruined them too. "Alright, I'd like to speak with San alone," the doctor decided, ushering my protesting parents away. He sat in a chair beside my bed, waiting while I caught my breath and calmed down. My chest heaved as I struggled to compose myself again. I was supposed to be unshakable. Immoveable. "Alright San," the doctor continued, his elbows on his knees. He leaned forward in his seat a bit. "What happened here."

"I... I don't know," I lied, my voice coming out thick and scratchy. A glass of water was presented to me, which I took and gulped down. "Um, I sort of... Did some stuff I'm not proud of," I admitted, finally successfully rising to a sitting position. I sagged against my pillows. "I have a lot of guilt in me I guess."

"Hmm," was all the doctor said. And then we lapsed into silence. I bunched the covers in my hands while the thoughts in my mind ran hot laps, circling back to things I'd told myself time and time again.

"Am I a monster?" I blurted. The doctor looked momentarily surprised before his expression settled back into something close to neutral. I averted my gaze, tears pricking the corners of my eyes again. I angrily slashed them away. I couldn't deal with this. Not right now.

"I think, rather than staying here in a room like this," the doctor finally ventured, rising and grabbing a clipboard hanging on the end of the bed. I followed him as he walked around, scribbling something and mumbling to himself. "I think a couple sessions with a therapist would do wonders for you," he continued.

"Therapy?" I questioned, wrinkling my nose at the prospect. I didn't need therapy. There wasn't anything wrong with me, right? "Are you sure? Nothing's wrong with me." The doctor glanced up above the clipboard.

"I believe there's things you aren't telling me," he responded, and once again I found it hard to look him in the eyes. "I believe there's things you aren't comfortable telling me either. Or your parents. But something is going on that you won't talk about that's about to drive you crazy. But the character you've built yourself won't allow you to talk about it with just anyone." I squeezed the blanket tighter and tighter with every word said until soon I could feel my fingernails digging into my skin again. "How am I doing here San?"

"Don't tell them, please," I whispered. "They think all is well in my little world. I can't have them finding out the truth. I can't..." I stopped, realizing I'd already spilled more than I'd intended. The doctor nodded. He handed me a slip of paper. I held it like it night burst into flames at any moment. I skimmed the words.

"Two sessions with Dr. Choi," he said. "She's one of the best we have. Don't worry too much about things, alright?" But I would. How would I get back to the hospital without my parents knowing? I couldn't afford to take the bus until I went back to work. The 2000 won at home wouldn't cover the cost of much of anything. I couldn't ask my friends for rides. I would be admitting to them I needed help, and I didn't actually need it. Hongjoong hyung? But he would definitely ask questions if he knew the reason he was bringing me, and I wasn't sure if I was completely ready to face him again. "We'll keep you here for a few more hours," the doctor decided. "Make sure you have enough fluids in you. Try to avoid strenuous activity today." I nodded along, but only about half the words registered.

When I was finally left alone was the first time it felt like I could properly breathe. I sucked in breath after breath, glancing around to get my bearings better. An IV attached to my arm, clear liquid dripping out of it. Something on my chest monitoring my heartbeat. Crisp white sheets under me and a white blanket on my lap. I was still in my school uniform, much to my annoyance. I settled back against the headboard, closing my eyes. Therapy. I couldn't believe it.

...

Wooyoung's POV

...

"He just fainted?" Yeosang asked again, his eyes impossibly wide. "Just like that? With no warning?"

"Well, I mean, he sort of pitched forward first," I explained. "Like suddenly the world shifted and threw him off balance. Mrs. Lim caught him. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he went down." I shuddered at the memory. That was one look that would be burned in my brain for a long time to come. "He wouldn't wake up." Yeosang's shock wore off and now he seemed thoughtful.

"Kind of serves him right," he reasoned. I just sort of looked at him. "Alright let's see," Yeosang said, venom slightly dripping from the words. "He's made you cry. On numerous occasions. Including today. He's written nasty messages to you and hung them on your locker. He's called you names, both behind your back and to your face. He's torn your notebooks, dumped things on your notebooks, played keep away with your notebooks. Oh, and let's not forget him reading one of your fanfictions out loud to the whole school." I winced. "And that's just the things I know about. I'm sure there's plenty more things you haven't told me. I know you. So you can't sit there and tell me he didn't deserve some kind of consequence for his actions. He's a bully and an ass."

"I guess," I murmured, glancing out my window and gazing at nothing. Did he deserve to pay for the things he'd done? Sure. But not like that. Not anything like that.

Stop it, I mentally scolded myself. He doesn't care about you. So why should you care about him?

"Enough of that," Yeosang suddenly said, startling me out of my trance. I turned to him. "We're supposed to be pouring over BTS's content, remember? The comeback is coming!" He shook me slightly, and I couldn't stop the small smile from forming on my lips. Once BTS announced their plans for the current comeback, Yeosang freaked out. He brought over his own laptop, and we were going through the last few years of mvs, Bangtan Bombs, and lives. Some theorists had already started in, and while some seemed utterly absurd, some had merit. I was curious to see how Bighit handled the comeback, that was for sure.

"Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper," I sang along quietly, choking up over the last few words. I stopped after that, just listening as Yeosang played song after song. We watched some dance practices too. Mostly older ones. Boy In Luv. Dope. Baepsae. Just One Day. We fussed over the old practice room. It felt kind of nice to be doing this again.

Freak.

I pushed myself away from Yeosang, pretending to be absorbed in my own laptop. I idly scrolled Facebook but didn't see anything interesting. I took to Twitter but, again, couldn't find anything that kept my interest very long. In a desperate attempt to distract myself I opened Wattpad. I pulled up Color My World. I read through a few chapters, making small corrections as I went.

Freak.

I shoved the laptop away, and when Yeosang looked my way, I tried for a smile. He frowned, but didn't say much else. He did start up a new song. Dionysus. One we both really liked. We sat there and half danced to the song together, never leaving the bed but getting our upper bodies going.

Freak.

"Alright, what's going on?" Yeosang finally asked when I halted my dancing mid song. He paused the video, setting his laptop to the side, turning his full attention to me. I looked out the window. At the sky tinting pink as the sun set. At the ice just starting to form on the glass outside. At the lone car slogging its way up the road. "Wooyoung?" Fingers grabbed my chin and my face was turned gently to meet Yeosang's. "What's wrong?" he repeated firmly. "You aren't acting like yourself."

"Nothing Yeosang, I'm fine," I lied. It rolled so easily off my tongue. Just like it always did. Yeosang huffed, releasing me and sinking back onto the mattress. I smiled a tight lipped smile that felt so fake I could taste it.

"I don't believe you," Yeosang said, crossing his arms. "Come on Wooyoung, tell me. What's wrong?" What's wrong? Everything? But could I really sit here and tell my best friend that my existence was what was causing me grief tonight? Could I admit to him that everything it did, I was plagued with the reminder that it wasn't normal. That I wasn't normal.

"I'm just tired is all," I answered at last. "It's been a long day." That at least wasn't a lie. It had been a long day. "I'll be right back," I mumbled, rising. Yeosang grabbed my wrist before I'd taken another step. I glanced back to him, pulling a face. "I'm just going to the bathroom Yeosang. I'm fine."

"Alright," he agreed, releasing me. "But if you aren't back in this bedroom in ten minutes, I'm going to come busting the door down." I forced out a chuckle and retreated down the hall to the bathroom. Once the door closed I sank to the floor, my head in my knees.

Everyone always talked about sadness. Anger. Nasty thoughts. But why did no one talk about the emptiness inside? Why did no one mention feeling so hollow you might blow away in the wind? Why didn't they mention feeling all alone while being surrounded by people? I took a few deep breaths, but it was like trying to breathe with cement in my lungs and a weight on my shoulders. I struggled to compose myself. I couldn't fall apart now. Not with Yeosang here. Not with people who cared about me being here. I dug my nails into my palms, wincing as they sliced my skin and drew blood. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to do a lot of things. Why did I keep screwing everything up? Why was I a screw up?

"Woo?" I raised my head as a voice spoke outside the door. Seonghwa hyung. "Yeosang tells me you're not quite feeling well. How about you open the door and let me see." I did as he asked, trying in vain to hide my hands. But nothing got passed Seonghwa. He captured my hands in his. Shame coated me and I avoided his eyes. "Let's get you cleaned up," Seonghwa decided, stepping into the bathroom. "And then I want you to tell me what's been going on."

"Alright hyung," I agreed, watching as he wet a rag in the sink and pressed it to my hands. I hissed at the sting, but settled again when he gently shushed me.

"I just want you to know Wooyoung," he added softly. "That whatever San, Yunho, and Mingi have led you to believe, it isn't true. You aren't a freak, okay? There's nothing wrong with liking and writing fanfictions. There's nothing wrong with liking reading. You aren't weird. You're so, so special."

"Okay hyung," I replied, the lump in my throat making it hard to talk. He set the rag aside, gently brushing his thumbs under my eyes.

"Now, tell me what's gotten you so upset," he urged. I sucked in a few breaths, steeling my jittery nerves. And I began.

...

Yay slightly longer chapter. Holy crap this took a lit longer than it should have.