JAKE TANNER'S BIGGEST SECRET WAS that I was rather insecure.

Not enough to make me doubt everything people said to me, but enough to make Kay's football afterparty less fun than usual. The party was raging by the time Kay, Jamie, and I stepped out of his rusted pick-up — a family heirloom at this point. The three of us made a beeline straight for the alcohol, and by the time we were nicely buzzed, the anxiety set in.

As far as the nerds went, only Avalon and Nova showed up to this party. It was rare that Sophie attended parties, mostly because she hated having to babysit us if we ever exceeded our limits, and the same went for her friends. But this was an exception since we had some hater-hunting to do.

It was painful work, however.

I mingled with all the different groups of people at Kay's house. I made all my usual, dumb, brash jokes and checked if anyone's lips twisted with disapproval. I talked about the hottest chicks at the party and kept a close eye on people's responses. At first, I didn't seem to be catching leads, and then my mind shifted.

Suddenly I swore that a girl across the room narrowed her eyes angrily at me. My ears perked up at the mention of my name in the middle of a derisive-sounding sentence. The hairs on my nape tingled as if someone was staring daggers at me, but each time I investigated those things further, nothing of substance turned up. I hated feeling so disliked, paranoid and uncertain.

It was like the room was turning against me, smothering with four walls and furniture. To escape the crowded living room, I raced to the kitchen and braced my arms on the sides of the sink. Perhaps this was a result of me drinking too much. Perhaps I just needed a good vomit.

A soothing, familiar voice broke through the dark suspicions swarming my brain. "What's up?"

I glanced up, meeting Avalon Taylor's composed, slightly concerned gaze, her eyes wide and startling blue. Looking at them felt like diving into a pristine, cool lagoon, and I felt the room slowly stop spinning, clicking into a standstill beneath my feet. She made everything feel solid, stable, and right.

"I'm feeling weird," I admitted. "Like, it's a bit hard to breathe. And I feel really hot." Even though it was a cool night, heading into mid-fall.

Avalon retrieved a new solo cup from the pack on the counter and filled it with water. "Well, here. Take a break. Drink some water." She pressed the cup into my hands and waited patiently for me to sip the whole thing. Minutes later, she asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I answered honestly. I was feeling much more focused, and less afraid of everyone's hidden opinion. Still, the prospect of worming back into the crowd of people in the living and dining rooms soured my mouth. What I really wanted was...

"You want to find a room?"

"Uh..." Avalon chuckled incredulously, a finger slowly circling the rim of her cup of beer. "Is this you hitting on me, Tanner?"

"If I say yes, would you come?"

"No," she scoffed.

"Then no," I decided coyly. Whether we went upstairs as friends or as something more, I knew I just wanted a break from all the uncertainty. I wanted Avalon, in whatever way she'd have me. "I'm certainly not hitting on you. I wouldn't dream of it. Now, bedroom?"

She shook her head at my shameless plea, sighing dramatically. "Why not? You're looking about to pass out anyway. I'd better make sure you get to a bed safely."

I led the way to Kay's bedroom, sending him a text to let him know I was in there and not to worry that I'd disappeared. I plopped onto his bed as soon as the door shut, feeling completely at ease. I'd been here enough times that it was like a second home.

Avalon had not, and she looked for something to busy herself with immediately. She brought the bin from under Kay's desk next to the bed, as if I'd throw up. She cracked open a window to let fresh air in, then shut the blinds. When she reached for the box of tissues on Kay's dresser, I'd had enough.

"Hey, I can look after myself," I drawled. "I'm perfectly coherent. And attractive. And just damn great, you know?" Good to know the alcohol hasn't completely worn off. I was still talking out of my ass, but Avalon didn't hold it against me.

She smirked. "Sure, bub."

"Stop playing babysitter," I whined, patting the bed next to me. "Come sit." She clambered onto the bed beside me, both of us leaning against the backboard, arching an eyebrow as if to ask me whether I was satisfied. "Talk."

"Worüber?" Avalon asked.

"Ich weiß es nicht," I answered.

Her jaw dropped, shock flooding into her ocean eyes. In a deeply wounded tone, she exclaimed, "No!"

"What?" I said innocently.

"You did not!" she yelled, lightly slapping my shoulder. "Did you start learning German or something?"

"No," I admitted. I still had no idea what she said, but I chanced a reply with one of the four phrases I now had memorised. "I had this weird brain tangent while I was in Physics so I searched up how to say hello, goodbye, I don't know and I love you."

"Impressive."

"Not really. I'm giving up. The sounds are too difficult. I'll remain a monoglot my whole life."

Her posture visibly relaxed next to me. "Thank God. German is my thing."

"I didn't know you had a claim on the whole language," I remarked, my eyebrows raised in challenge.

"I've got a bit of a possessive streak," Avalon revealed, between sips from the solo cup in her hand. I only had water in mine, but I mirrored the motion. "Like, you can learn a language. Or an instrument. But why does it have to be the one I'm learning? Makes me feel competitive."

"Is that why you and your friends all play different instruments?"

She shook her head. Her hair was bundled into a ponytail today, and I clamped down on the sudden urge to pull her tresses loose and run my hands through them. "That was a happy accident. But if we had picked the same instruments, I would have made it a happy non-accident."

My booze-addled brain took me on another tangent. "Is there a better word for non-accident?"

If Avalon found my question weird, she didn't comment. If anything, she fell into a very serious, pensive silence. Then, she suggested, "A plan?"

I laughed. This felt great. Talking about things that made no sense, at length, with someone I felt completely comfortable around. I offered, "A scheme?"

Avalon nodded, her lips pursed. It looked like she was seriously considering the synonym, turning the word over in her mind. "Fate?" she returned, shrugging nonchalantly. "Non-accidental."

"Fate doesn't exist," I told her.

"Agreed. The whole cosmic forces thing makes no sense."

I joked with a blank face, "I believe in horoscopes though."

"Disappointing."

"Just kidding. But if you ever want to check our compatibility, I'm a Virgo," I said slyly. What is with all my flirting today? Check our compatibility — what a schmuck thing to say.

"I don't give a shit," Avalon said unsurprisingly. "But thanks."

Thank fuck her legs were covered today, inside loose capri pants, because I didn't know if I could take a repeat of the last party we attended together. Just having her legs brush against me, watching her glassy eyes under the starlight, laughing about things that I couldn't for the life of me remember now—

Ah, crap. I was getting turned on again.

"What's your sign?" I threw out. Down boy.

"I've never checked. As I said, I don't buy that bullshit."

I finished the water in my solo cup and chucked it to the floor, sinking lower against the headboard with a satisfied grunt. "What do you buy? Science and reason?"

"Something in between blind faith and harsh rationale. I like to believe that human beings can change things about themselves. That's reasonable, yeah?"

"Very reasonable."

She smiled at my gentle tone. Avalon's face shone with a heavenly light, and I saw straight into that golden heart of hers. She had huge dreams for herself, but also for the world. My chest tightened so much I had to place a hand on my ribcage to check that nothing had struck it.

What was wrong with me lately?

Sometimes I'd get panging sensations in my chest, like at the football game last weak, which simultaneously the most painful and the most miraculous feeling I'd ever experienced. I didn't know if I want them to stop or get stronger.

Some unknown time later — since neither of us even remembered to check our phones — Avalon and I were a giggling mess on Kay's bed. She lay on her stomach, feet near the headboard and face near the end, propped up on her elbows. I was positioned in the same direction, but I was on my back.

Sometimes she was close enough that a stray lock of her ponytail brushed my temple, wafting her clean, tempting scent into my vicinity. At those moments, I had to hold my breath until the aroma faded. Otherwise, I'd give in to the urges that were terrifyingly, unstoppably building. Which would ruin this precious, amazing thing between us.

Every time I made her laugh particularly loudly, Avalon would dip her head down to hide her face. It made me wonder if someone had made her insecure about her laugh in the past. Sure, it was guttural and blared like a klaxon through the air — but who wouldn't want to hear that? It was a magical sound.

I didn't even know what we were talking about. School. Life. Everything, but nothing, I guess. Her sneakers lazily kicked back and forth in the air lazily as she spoke, halting when I suddenly placed a hand on her cheek.

Till her eyes narrowed dubiously on me, I hadn't even realised I had touched her. It was like second nature. I wasn't thinking about anything other than the laughter and jokes streaming between us, and translating them into touch just happened subconsciously. For two seconds, her face was in my hands and I noticed how soft her skin was. How warm they were, flushed with alcohol and mirth.

I thought I saw Avalon's gaze soften, her body melting slightly into my touch, and then she carefully moved away, putting a few inches of distance between us. Her voice was carefully airy as she asked, "Aren't I supposed to be down there sniffing out someone with a grudge?"

"Let the others handle it," I said dismissively, letting the moment slip through my fingers. What was I thinking? She's far too good for me. "I have a feeling you're too apathetic to do the job properly."

"I can do the job!"

"No, no," I insisted, staring up at her calm smile. Those clever eyes. Those full lips. "Bitching about me requires a careful balance of vengeance and pomp. Nova's perfect for the job."

"Vengeance? Pomp? Lots of fancy words you have there," Avalon chuckled, falling easily into the teasing tone that had defined our relationship all the years I'd known her.

But all the years to come? Now, I didn't know what I wanted.

"Big words for a big task."

Avalon rolled her eyes. "But how hard is it to talk crap about someone's hair and sense of humour?"

My brain rolled to a crashing stop. I was certain my smile froze awkwardly on my face, but I forced myself to exhale smoothly and release the sudden tension in my body. Inhale. Exhale. Keep calm.

Even while my mind was racing a mile a minute. I had sent the nerds out to find my secret detractor by giving them a list of very specific grievances, but there was one that I couldn't bring myself to reveal to the light of day.

"I don't think my sense of humour was one of the things I told you guys to watch out for," I remarked casually.

Avalon's eyes widened, and she stiffened. The very next second, she had gracefully rolled off the bed and picked up the empty solo cup on the rug. "I'm going to get some more water—"

When she had the door halfway open, I pushed it shut and kept a hand on the edge. "Not so fast."

Avalon turned around, leaning back against the door to look at me, her features carefully blank. My voice was shaking. My whole body was shaking. My vision went red, and a bolt of pain sliced through me.

"It was you."