{Handplates chapter reference: fourth stage}

"Entry Number XXX:

Before I begin this project, I need to understand the costs. If I have even a fraction of a doubt about any of this, then I lack the conviction to continue, and the project is doomed from the beginning.
I can't do something like this unless I'm willing to see it through to the end.
Otherwise, it will all be for nothing."

Gaster's attention was fully drawn to the machinery in front of him as he tightened some screws with the screwdriver.
His thoughts were a jumbled mess but he kept telling himself that this is all worth it in the end. He had to see through it.

As he finally applied the finishing touches to the machine, he hesitantly turned it on and a satisfying hum erupted from it.
A red laser beam emitted from the nozzle of the machine, flawlessly cutting a perfect circle into the wooden board that he had stuck to the table with fixation tape.

His hands unwillingly trembled as his eyes silently followed the laser's cutting path but he forced himself to calm down.

"To get the material required, I will have to mutilate myself physically and permanently. It will likely be excruciating, although simulations I've been running suggest I won't suffer any loss to dexterity."

Gaster shivered as the cold air hit his bare body. Temperature changes do not affect him in any way but he had to shiver regardless as he braced himself for what he was about to do. His soul floated calmly in his ribcage, still protected from all the horrors it would soon have to go through.

For a moment, he felt as if he was young again.
A coward, scared of dying.
But he had to push all of that away, reject his own self entirely and see through it. For Asgore. For everyone.

He put his hand over his ribcage, feeling the warmth emitting from his soul as he tried to calm himself down.

"Getting the soul material runs a not-insignificant chance of death. I've left a 10% margin of error, but even a small mistake would easily kill me.

If I'm going to do this, then I must be willing to pay with my life.

I must be realistic about the end results.
Even in the best-case scenario, even if everything goes exactly to plan and everything works out in the most ideal way for everyone, no one will ever forgive me for what I did to get us there."

Gaster hesitated. He could see exactly how everyone would react. How Asgore could not even look him in the eye and banish him.
How Alphys would shout at him and call him out, despite her usual shy and quiet demeanor.
How Undyne would ultimately imprison him and bring him to justice for his actions.

The pained look in your eyes if you could see him right now...the betrayal and disappointment...

"The experiments and tests I will on this being(s), the environment I will keep them in, creating life to use as a tool for others' ends.... That is not something that can be forgiven.

Even if salvation is found for everyone else, there will be no salvation for me.

The king will never forgive me.
Alphys will never forgive me.
[Y/N] would never forgive me...

My name will be condemned, I'll be stricken from the historical records, banned from pursuing my life's passion ever after.

Definitely imprisoned, possibly executed...

And that is the best-case scenario. All for the possibility of a solution, not even a guaranteed success.

All to maybe, just maybe see her again and hold her in my arms again.

I must be willing to maintain a strict level of emotional and physical distance from the being(s) at all times to prevent any risk of doubting myself or my course of action."

Gaster was in the middle of taking measurements for the next thing he would have to build.
He occasionally stole glances at your soul, that was floating peacefully in the container on a table close by.

He still had to get the samples from your soul. He wanted to use the residue, that splintered off your soul from the crack to catalyze the soul of the being(s) further and possibly give it a little more strength.

But he has not found the courage yet to open the lid.

To involve you in this.

"I may have to do reprehensible, cruel, unbelievable things to another living being, over a sustained period of time, to determine its limitations and potential as a tool.

I will have to turn off every emotion I have and focus solely on my goal.

Even if it means I have to lock her away in the depths of my mind as well..

I will have to become entirely human in my thinking and approach to the being(s).

I cannot show any signs of weakness.

I cannot turn back until it is done. I need to understand this.

I need to understand and know this before I can begin.

I cannot do this unless I understand.

I cannot do this if I doubt. I cannot do this if I'm not willing to pay the price.

I can only move forward if I am truly determined to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals.

There is no point in further speculation until I've made my choice."