{Handplates chapter reference: fifth stage}

“ⱤɄ₦! ⱤɄ- ₳ⱧⱧⱧⱧ"

“₱ⱠɆ₳₴Ɇ ₦Ø – ł ĐØ₦'₮ ₩₳₦₮ ₮Ø ĐłɆ-“

“ł Ⱨ₳VɆ ₳ ₵ⱧłⱠĐ! ₱ⱠɆ₳₴Ɇ ⱧɆⱠ₱ ₥Ɇ! ₴Ø₥ɆØ₦Ɇ ⱧɆⱠ₱ Ʉ₴! ₦ØØ-"

"Entry Number XXX:

Over and over again, I have stood by and cowered helplessly while people I loved suffered and died in front of me."

Gaster recently found himself having more nightmares about the events from back in the war.

He heard the screams of his family, his friends…all of those that fell in the war while he was helplessly hiding away. Cowering on the floor, hiding his face in his hands and shaking uncontrollably as the screams went louder and louder until they suddenly died.

Cut off…and out of existence.

It was almost as if something was pulling him back in time. You were the one grounding him, making him look forward to the future and helping him through his trauma but now it all came crashing back down on him again.
He was barely himself anymore, seeming to revert more and more into his past self as the days passed.

Maybe it was just the emotional baggage he had to carry.
Maybe it was the insane sense of guilt and uncertainty that made him feel like that.
Maybe it was the weight of his choices that he made and is about to make.

Whatever it was, something was constantly nagging him, driving him further and further away from his rational thinking.

"I watched families be destroyed and said nothing, did nothing to prevent it."

Gaster thought of the countless times where he silently observed Chara when he came over.
Watched how that human casually had a toy knife in their hand and pinched the tip of it repeatedly. Gaster was trying to not be too judgemental because they were a child and also wanted to give them a chance for your sake but something about Chara always put him off.

He thought of the time where Asgore walked to the podest and announced in his blind range that no human shall ever be spared again after what humans have done to Asriel.

A choice that later also caused the disappearance of the Queen.

Gaster had found her crown only a little time later, laying on the floor and no trace of her left anywhere. She has probably hidden somewhere but chances are that maybe she perished after all this time.

Who knew what the humans that fell down here had done to her?

"The dust is on my shoulders. Again and again, I've stood by and watched these tragedies happen, unable to care enough to try and prevent them.

Time is rapidly running out.
This will be my last chance to try and do something.
To justify my continued existence at others' expense."

Sometimes Gaster found himself daydreaming. He vividly saw the pile of dust that was towering right in front of him.

All the lives that had been taken because of his actions and choices.

No more.

"I am capable of doing something.
I may not succeed but I can still act. Doing so will destroy my life, but I can still make that choice.

I am running out of time.
Am I willing to risk everything on this long-shot?
Either way, in the end, I will lose what I love.

Is it better to try and fail, or let tragedy take its course?

I can't sleep."

.

.

.

It was the middle of the night but Gaster was wide awake. He held a torch in his hand, standing there surrounded by the Echo Flowers that emitted a calm glow in the dark.

The water was rushing down the cliffs, somehow silencing the racing thoughts in his mind.

This is the place where he would seek comfort, peace and quiet.
Where he would listen to your comforting and encouraging words to motivate himself to keep pushing.

To keep trying.

But tonight, he made a choice.

A choice that he felt like he had to make in order to move on.

A choice that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

He did not have to do this but he felt like if he did, he would do something.

Be in control of anything in his life, at least once.

He took in a deep breath, his free hand occasionally twitching from the tension in his body.

This place was a shrine, a sanctuary, a place full of beautiful and painful memories.
It was a place where you encouraged him and gave him your unconditional love.

But he was no longer the same.

He had changed and he felt as if he was no longer deserving of these words.

They were for the monster he once was.

He could not stand hearing your voice, telling him he is doing great and to keep going if the choice he was about to make was so terribly cruel.

Gaster told himself that he was undeserving of your love and kindness.

Gaster's face slightly scrunched into a frown as he imagined the face you would have if you could see him right now.

How you would look at him the moment you’d find out about what he did behind your back.

The way you would scream at him with tears in your eyes, call him names and tell him how selfish he is. He would not try to defend himself. He deserved it.

Gaster pushed these thoughts aside and braced himself for the next choice he was about to make.

His hand was now trembling slightly as he gripped the torch in his hand tighter.

If he really wanted to take this step forward, he had to leave all of what he was behind.

Everything that made him…him. He had to be entirely detached from everything to pull through this and he had already made up his mind several days before that.

He took a step into the flower field, careful not to step on any of them. He bent over a little and brushed his fingers against the petals of a flower: “Don't forget to take a breather from time to time. You don't have to do all of this by yourself…”

He winced a little as he heard that.

Of course, you were right but right now he could never admit that.

He wanted to justify himself somehow. And this time he would have to face this himself.

It was the only way.

Gaster stood up straight again. As he breathed out, the grip on the torch lightened. He watched as it slowly glided out of his hand and fell into the flowers with a small thud.

The flowers soon caught on fire, the crackling filling the silence. Gaster stepped out of the flower field and slowly walked towards the cave exit; his heart heavy as he forced himself to not look back.

With his magic hands, he sealed the entrance. The red and fiery light was swallowed in darkness as he pushed the rocks into their place and exited the tunnel.

"I am sorry, love. But this time, I have to do this alone. And I won't let anything hold me back…"

.

.

.

Gaster was standing in his lab, the buzzing of machinery being the only sound present in the room.

He made his decision. One that shall prove that he is as bad as he always thought he was…

He held a red marker in one hand, painting a circle into the center of the back of his other hand.
His whole body was tense and his mind was awfully quiet as he focused on drawing the markings.

"Entry Number XXX:

No turning back."

***
{A/N: Totally off topic, but I absolutely have this dream of someone animating this story or well parts of it kind of like this:

I imagine it to look so amazing and dope, especially with the shot of Gaster burning down the flower field but of course that is just a dream of mine xD
Maybe, someday when I learn animation etc, I will make it myself but I don't think I am anywhere near good enough yet to do so.}