Chapter 8 summary for anyone that had to skip:

Virgil woke up after his panic attack and started cleaning up the rose petals that were spread across his room when he heard a loud noise come from the hall. 

He goes to investigate and sees the doors to the other sides' rooms open, which concerns him. 

Virgil reaches the living room, where he looks in and sees Deceit lecturing Roman, Patton, and Logan. Roman sees Virgil and says something in response to Deceit that he knows Virgil will hear. 

Virgil hides behind the wall and keeps listening to what Roman says, even though it hurts. When Roman's done talking, Virgil runs to his room in tears. 

Virgil writes a letter to Thomas, Patton, Logan, Deceit, and Roman and then attempts suicide. Virgil is listening to Helena by MCR when Deceit finds him and gets Logan in there with a first aid kit. 

The chapter ends with Virgil singing the last line of the song to Deceit, which is "so long not goodnight."

And now onto chapter 9:

TW: Suicide attempts, blood, lots of tears, 

|Pevious chapter:

My vision started to go black around the edges, and I locked eyes with Deceit one last time, who seemed to be telling me to stay awake. I gathered the last bit of courage and energy I had to sing the last line loud enough for him to hear.

So long not goodnight|

Deceit POV:

I stalked out of the living room to go check on Virgil, silently cursing myself the whole way there.

I messed up big time. I shouldn't have gone on that giant tangent. I bet I'm too late and he's lying in a pool of his own blood.

As soon as I had that thought, I froze in the middle of the hallway. Another, much worse thought appeared in my mind.

What if he killed himself this time?

I couldn't move, too terrified that I would walk in and see Virgil lying there dead. There have been so many close calls, but each time I've been there to keep him alive. No one was with him to keep him from doing something.

"Oh God," I whispered and started jogging through the Mind Space.

"Who's idea was it to put the living room so far away from the damn bedrooms," I said to no one in particular as I ran.

I ran down the hall, past the other side's rooms to Virgil's and saw that his door was open.

I couldn't hear any noises coming from his room, which concerned me slightly.

Peaking my head into his room I glanced around and didn't see him in there. I expected him to be lying on his bed, but all I could see was a giant pile of blankets.

I immediately turned around and ran back down the hall into the kitchen. I knew that he liked to go there when he was bored, so that was the first place I thought to look. There was no sign of Virgil in the kitchen when I first walked in, but I knew better. I opened all the cabinets to see if Virgil was hiding in any of them.

And, before you ask, yes, I have found Virgil hiding under the sink eating chocolate chips. Many times.

There was no sign of Virgil in the kitchen, so I raced through the house, tearing up each room as I looked. I kept hoping I would find him in a corner listening to music. I even sank down into Thomas's living room to see if Virgil went there.

I checked behind all the chairs, under all the cushions, and inside all Thomas's cabinets for Virgil. To my dismay, the only person there beside me was Thomas, and he was still sleeping on his floor where we had left him.

Reappearing in our kitchen, I raced back down the hall to check Virgil's room again. Logan was just about to enter his room when he saw me approaching and paused.

"Why are you running?" Logan asked.

I stopped a few feet from Logan and leaned against the wall to catch my breath.

"I can't... find Virgil..." I panted, "and I'm scared... that he's... gonna hurt... himself."

"Then don't let me stop you," Logan exclaimed, opening his door. "I wish you luck in your search for Virgil."

"Thank you," I said and started jogging down the hall again.

I reached Virgil's open door and realized that it wasn't all the way open, causing it to block half of his bed from view.

Pushing his door open the rest of the way, I saw Virgil lying on his bed with his headphones on. His left hand was resting on his chest on top of a pile of papers, and his right arm was stretched out away from him.

My breath caught in my throat as I scanned Virgil for any signs of injury. At first, I didn't think anything was wrong. Then I looked at his right arm closer, knowing that he preferred to cut there.

Virgil shifted a little and turned to look at me. Even though he barely moved, that little shift allowed me to better see his arm. In that second, I realized things were far from okay.

There were five deep cuts on Virgil's forearm. From where I was standing at his door, I could see the blood streaming down his arm.

After a few seconds of standing there in shock, my brain got over the initial shock and launched me into action.

"LOGAN," I shouted at the top of my lung. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE ASAP!!! AND BRING A FIRST AID KIT!!!!"

He'll know what to do. He's read a bunch of books.

As soon as I heard movement in the hall I raced over to Virgil, grabbing a handful of his clothes from a pile in the corner.

I reached his bed and immediately wrapped the clothes around his arm to try and slow the bleeding, even a little. Within seconds, the clothes were covered in large, red patches of blood.

Logan rushed in and knelt down next to me, a roll of bandages in his hand.

"I'm going to put the bandages on to try and get the bleeding to stop," Logan said, removing the clothes. "I'm going to need you to try and keep Virgil awake."

"O-okay," I stammered, moving to Logan's other side so I was next to Virgil's head.

From there I could hear that he was listening to Helena, by MCR, which I knew was one of his favorite songs. He was looking behind me, but I could see his mouth moving along to what must be the lyrics.

I looked over my shoulder to see what he was looking at and saw Patton sobbing into Roman's chest. Roman stood there, a look of anguish on his face.

I turned back around, put my hand on Virgil's shoulder, and started talking to him.

"Hey, Virgil. You gotta stay awake. Please. We're gonna get you all fixed up, but you gotta stay awake."

I wasn't sure if he could hear me over his music, but I kept talking to him, starting to cry in the process.

Virgil moved his head and looked in my eyes. I noticed that he was very calm, although his eyes seemed a little it out of focus.

I stopped talking when I saw him take a deep breath, anxious to see if he would say anything.

Virgil kept looking at me, and all I could hear was him singing what I knew to be the last line of the song.

"So long not goodnight," he sang, and almost immediately his eyes slipped shut. 

Time seemed to slow, and the only thought going through my head was, he did it this time. He killed himself and I wasn't there to stop him.

I started shaking Virgil's shoulder to try and wake him up, although a part of me knew that it would be futile.

"NOOOOO," I screamed, shaking his shoulder harder. "NOO, VIRGIL, YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!!!"

I had tears streaming down my face, but I didn't care enough to wipe them away. I had to wake Virgil up.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Logan, a solemn expression on his face.

"I got the bleeding to stop and was able to stitch up the cuts, although he's lost a lot of blood. Because of that, he's unconscious," he explained, kneeling down next to me. "The only thing we can do now is to wait."

"I-i-is h-h-he g-g-gonna b-b-be ok-o-okay?" I stammered, my breathing uneven from crying.

"I don't know," Logan said, looking at the ground. "I would like to say that he will be okay, but we will have to wait and see. He may wake up in a few days, or he may never wake up."

Those three words, "never wake up," were the words I feared hearing since I became friends with Virgil. All the strength left in me vanished and I fell to the floor sobbing.

Virgil might not wake up. Virgil, my best friend, might die, and it's my fault. I could have stopped him. I should have been there.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Patton next to me. He opened his arms for me and I instantly fell into them, sobs wracking my body.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's gonna be okay, kiddo," Patton whispered into my ear. "We're gonna get through this. And you heard Logan. Virgil may still wake up. We just gotta believe that he'll fight through this."

I nodded, trying so hard to believe that Virgil will be ok. Patton gave me a tight squeeze and started rocking me side to side, whispering that it's gonna be okay.

We stayed there on the floor, Patton rocking me and whispering to me the whole time. He slowly combed his fingers through my hair, which was very calming.

Once I was able to breathe in a semi-normal pattern, Patton gave me one last squeeze and then let me pull back a little.

From my spot on the floor with Patton, I could see Roman having a whispered conversation with Logan. Logan was holding a stack of papers in one of his hands and running the other through his hair.

I saw Logan nod to Roman, and they both walked over to Patton and I. Logan sat down on Patton's left side. Patton instantly leaned into him. Logan put his arm around him and rubbed his back, placing a kiss on the top of his head. Roman sat down on the other side of Patton and stared at his hands, which were folded in his lap.

Logan cleared his throat and held up the papers he was holding.

"Virgil, uhh, wrote us letters, it seems," Logan said, stammering a little. "Roman and I conversed and agreed that it would be wise to read what he had to say."

Roman nodded at what Logan said, continuing to stare at his hands.

Logan started passing out the letters. He gave Patton his first, then Roman, and then me.

When I got my letter, I shrugged myself out from under Patton's arms and went to a corner of Virgil's room to get some privacy.

I curled up with my knees to my chest and looked at the folded piece of paper. I ran my finger over my name, marveling at the smooth flow of one letter into the next. Virgil always had a way of making everything he wrote look so flowy and elegant.

Opening the letter, I braced myself for the inevitable tears that I knew would come.

Dear Deceit,

How do you say goodbye to a lifelong friend? I guess some goodbye, even if it's just a letter, is better than nothing at all.

There's no way I can express my gratitude for what you have done for me in a short letter. You've always been there for me, even when I became a Main Trait and you had every right to hate me.

Virgil, you know that I could never hate you.

If it weren't for you, this probably would have happened a lot sooner. You were always able to distract me from the negative thoughts that were begging me to kill myself at times.

It was such an honor to be able to help you be able to not lie. It made me feel like I was useful, even for just a little while. You have no clue how overjoyed I was to hear you speak to the other sides without lying once.

I closed my eyes and chuckled a little, remembering what he was talking about.

The day I disguised myself as Patton, I talked to Virgil and told him that I wanted to be able to speak without lying.

That day he wrote a sentence that we both knew wasn't a lie for me to try saying: Virgil is my best friend.

When I first said it, I tried my hardest to say it without lying, but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.

Each day Virgil had me try saying the sentence again, and, slowly but surely, it got easier for me to say it without lying.

A few weeks after I disguised myself as Patton, I was able to actually have a conversation without lying. Virgil was the only one I had to thank for that. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself, which happened quite often.

The conversation I had with the other sides that day was about the stupidest thing. We were debating what the best topping for pancakes is.

Patton thought it was strawberries and whipped cream. Logan thought it was blueberries and syrup. Roman thought it was peanut butter and strawberries. Virgil thought it was Nutella.

When I walked in for breakfast, which happened to be pancakes, they were having a heated debate. I paused to watch for a little bit, not paying attention to exactly what anyone said. Virgil and Roman were really at each other's throats. Logan would occasionally add a comment, and Patton watched with bright eyes. I walked over to the fridge and rummaged through its contents, listening for a while.

After a minute or two, I had heard enough and stated my opinion.

"We all know the best topping is raspberries and whipped cream."

As soon as I spoke, the conversation at the table quieted. I even heard someone drop their silverware onto their plate. I turned back to the table after I grabbed a package of raspberries I found. That's when saw everyone's reaction to me joining the debate. 

Patton, Logan, and Roman were all staring at me with their mouths hanging open. I saw that it was Roman who had dropped his fork onto his plate. Meanwhile, Virgil looked like he was ready to burst with excitement.

After a solid minute, Roman spoke up.

"What did you say?"

I shrugged and walked over to the table, holding the package of raspberries in one of my gloved hands. "I said that the best topping for pancakes is raspberries and whipped cream."

I sat down between Virgil and Patton and placed the raspberries next to my plate. I grabbed two pancakes off of the stack in the center and put, you guessed it, raspberries and whipped cream on them.

I heard Roman stutter some when I put the toppings on.

"What??" I asked, looking up at him.

"You- raspberries- but- you-" he stammered.

"Spit it out, would ya?"

"You put raspberries on your pancakes, but you said that they're the best." He said, and it was easy to tell that he was dumbfounded.

"And..." I said, urging him to continue.

"You are Deceit," he said, waving a hand around dramatically.

"You lie. That is..." Roman trailed off for a few seconds before he continued, "for lack of better words, your job."

Hearing him say that stung a bit and put me at a loss for words. Luckily Virgil spoke up.

"I'll have you know that Deceit has been working on trying not to lie. He is able to have entire conversations without lying once." Virgil gave Roman a pointed look and continued. "That's why he said that raspberries and whipped cream are the best and proceeded to put them on his pancakes."

Roman looked down at his lap, ashamed at what he said.

From his spot next to me, Patton squealed and grabbed my arm.

"That's so awesome Deceit!!!" he said, looking like he was about to burst from happiness. Suddenly Patton's expression became much more serious. "Although everyone knows the best topping is strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the debate continued, except this time I was a part of it.

I smiled and opened my eyes, wiping a few stray tears that appeared because of that memory.

I looked back down to the piece of paper in my hands and continued reading.

I am incredibly sorry about what I said earlier. I know you do care about me so much. That has been made clear every time you helped me get through a panic attack.

When you told me that you knew about the lie I told Patton, I panicked because I was scared you would tell them about the cutting and my Hanahaki. I hadn't told them about either because I didn't want them to pity me and then demand to take care of me.

I will forever cherish the time I spent with you. It made the short life I had worth living. Sadly, some things are unavoidable.

I was going to die soon one way or another, and I think you knew that. What I did simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.

Just know that in no way, shape, or form was this your fault. If anything, it's entirely my fault. I did something incredibly stupid; I fell in love.

That decision has been killing me, and not just because of the rose petals that filled up my lungs. Hearing what he said about me was what killed me.

Don't grieve too much. I will never forgive you if you give up. You gotta help Thomas and all the other sides. They're gonna need you to help them with the guilt they will most definitely feel.

I know I don't say this enough, but I love you, platonically. Of course, you already knew that, but it feels important to include that in the last thing I'm gonna be telling you.

I love you, too, Virgil.

This doesn't feel like it's the end, but that's just because I'm not dead yet. I'm only going to realize that this is real when my eyes close for the last time.

At this point you probably realize that I'm procrastinating, something I do best. To be honest, I am. I want to be dead, but I don't necessarily want to go through the pain of dying and realizing that I'm never going to talk to anyone again.

Then don't. Don't kill yourself. Then you'll still be able to talk to us. It'll hurt more to die than it will to stay here and work with us to fix things. Goddamnit, Virgil, why'd you have to go and try to kill yourself?

I suppose it'll be easier for both of us if I just shut up and kill myself already.

Goodbye, best friend,

Virgil

And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Yes, I feel my life is better/ So is the world we're living in/ I'm thankful for the time I spent/ With my best friend/ You're my best friend

Tears were threatening to fall down my cheek, so I had trouble reading the last few lines Virgil wrote. As soon as I finished reading the letter, I was sobbing again.

I clutched the letter to my chest as I sobbed, wanting so desperately to go back in time and change what happened.

I should have looked closer when I first checked his room. Or I should have just not lectured the other sides and checked on him as soon as we got back. God, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I know that Virgil told me that it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what I could have done that would have changed this.

After a while, I opened my eyes and watched the other sides's reactions to their letters from my spot in the corner.

Logan was pacing in a circle next to Virgil's bed. He was still reading his letter and looked to be deep in thought. I kept watching him for a while, the pattern of his pacing soothing me some.

My eyes found Patton next, who was standing next to the door to Virgil's bathroom. From where I was sitting, it was easy to see that Patton was crying while he was reading his letter. I wanted to go over to him and hug him and cry with him, but I decided to give him some privacy while he was reading.

Lastly, my eyes landed on Roman, who was standing next to the door. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He was incredibly pale, and his eyes were the size of saucers as they scanned his letter. It seemed as if he was trying to find something written in his letter that wasn't there.

After a minute of looking, Roman froze and whispered, "Oh God." before running out of Virgil's room with his letter.

Logan stopped his pacing and looked at where Roman had been standing just seconds before. He looked at me and then Patton, who was staring at the door.

"I'll go see if he's okay," Patton whispered, starting to walk towards the door.

"That's a good idea," Logan said, nodding.

Patton walked past Logan on his way towards the door and they shared a brief hug. I made a mental note to ask Patton if they were a thing later when we weren't all devastated.

After Patton left, Logan went back to pacing. I was sure he was going to leave a dent in the carpet because of how much he paced.

I watched Logan pace for a few minutes, all the while calming myself down a little bit. During that time I noticed that Logan was holding another, unopened letter.

Standing up, I made my way over to Logan, who stopped pacing when he saw me approach.

"Who's that letter for?" I asked.

"It's for Thomas," Logan responded. "I'm trying to decide the best way to give it to him."

"I'll take it," I offered. "You know the most about first aid, so you should stay here with Virgil, and once Patton's done checking on Roman he's gonna need you there. No one's gonna miss me if I'm gone for a while. And, besides, I probably know Virgil the best, so I can answer any questions Thomas will have."

Logan sighed and handed me the letter. "You are right. You know Virgil the best. Also, Patton will be needing someone to talk to once he's done. Plus I would like to be able to keep an eye on Virgil."

Giving Logan a tight smile, I took the letter and headed out into the living room. Once I got there I sat down on one of the couches, looking at the letter in my hands.

How do you tell your host that one of their sides just attempted suicide and we're not sure they're gonna make it??

I sat there for a while, thinking. A few tears escaped my eyes, but I quickly wiped them away.

I took a few deep breaths to compose myself before I stood up.

"You can do this, Deceit," I told myself, pacing a little. "You only have to tell him the basics of what happened. Virgil just attempted suicide, we don't know if he'll wake up, and he wrote us all letters."

I took one last deep breath and then sunk down to break the news to Thomas.

A/N:

Hey y'all, I hope you enjoyed!!

Please continue to vote and comment if you enjoyed!!!

~death_by_fanfic