A/N: 

Hi guys. I'm gonna be doing the A/N before the chapter this time because it just doesn't seem fitting to do something happy at the end of this chapter. 

Anyways... I have almost 600 reads!!!! That's awesome you guys, gals, and non-binary palls!!!! You have no clue how much this means to me. I'm so honored to know that you guys are enjoying this book.

Keep on commenting and voting if you like the chapters!! It always raises my motivation to see your awesome comments. You guys are the reason I'm writing, and to know you enjoy it makes me want to write even more!!

OK, now onto some serious stuff

~~~~~~~~PLEASE READ THIS PART~~~~~~~~

This chapter's gonna get kinda intense and is basically a giant trigger warning.  I'm going to do a summary of it at the beginning of chapter 9, so feel free to skip this chapter if you're unsure if it's safe for you.

I care 'bout y'all so much. Please don't read something that will harm you.

If you are going to read the chapter, I'd advise having a tissue or two nearby because I was tearing up as I was writing this. Although, I am really emotional all the time, and I'm even more emotional right now because of reasons.

Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals.

Without further ado, chapter 8:

Trigger Warning: almost a panic attack, self-hate, self-harm, talks about blood, suicide attempt

|Previous chapter:

"And it would be a wise idea for you to go think about what I told you guys," I told him, turning to leave. "I'm going to go make sure Virgil hasn't hurt himself again."

"Again?" Roman whispered.

I turned around in the doorway and nodded gravely. "Again."|

Virgil POV:

I woke up in the corner of my room, my head groggy and my cheeks damp. I sat there and looked around my room, trying to remember what happened. I vaguely remembered collapsing on my floor and talking to someone, but the details were blurry. 

And then it hit me.

Deceit, he came in here. He heard the lies you told Patton. He saw you have multiple panic attacks.

My breathing got irregular and I started to shake again, but I managed to get myself under control. God knows the last thing I need is yet another panic attack today.

I stood up, slowly stretching my legs. I had to sit back down almost immediately because of a head rush. I sat there for a few moments, my head pounding and my vision out of focus.

I tried standing up again, much slower this time to give my head time to adjust. When I could stand on my own, I turned around and saw just how much of a mess my room was.

Blood red petals covered the majority of my bed, and there were a few patches of them scattered across the floor. Clothes were haphazardly strewn across the room, daring anyone who wasn't familiar with the layout to try and cross.

Good God, Virgil, get it together. Your mind is supposed to be a mess, not your room.

I sighed and started to pick up my clothes, making sure to shake out all the petals before throwing them in a pile at the bottom of my closet.

Once my clothes were all picked up, I straightened up the blankets on my bed. In order to do that I had to get them all off my bed and onto the floor. 

I know what you're thinking, Very productive, Virgil. Making even more of a mess. Trust me, things have to get worse before they can start to get better. (A/N: Fourth wall, what fourth wall??? I don't see a fourth wall anywhere...)

Grabbing the sheets from the pile, I shook them out and put them back on my bed. I did the same for all the other blankets on the floor until they were all back on my bed.

With the blankets somewhat neatly on my bed, I started to sweep all the petals on my floor into the center of my room. It took a while, but I managed to get them all into a pile in the middle of my room. I grabbed a Hot Topic shopping bag that was stashed under my bed and started shoving the pile in so I could throw them out.

Halfway through the task I heard a loud noise and paused. I stood up and opened my door, peeking my head out. The noise seemed to be coming from the direction of the living room.

I slowly walked down the hall, curious about what was going on. My room was at the very end of the hall, so I had to walk past all the other side's rooms.

Each door was open, which alarmed me. None of them usually left their door open, so something big must have happened for them to leave the entrance to their rooms wide open.

The farther down the hall I walked, the clearer the noise got. By the time I was at the end of the hall, I could hear that there were people talking rather loudly in the living room.

I wonder who's in there and what they're talking about. It sounds pretty intense.

I stopped outside the door to the living room and glanced in. I immediately pulled my head back when I saw who was in there.

Roman, Patton, and Logan were all standing close to each other facing the door, and standing across from them was Deceit, whose back was to me.

I slowly looked around the corner and took in more of the situation. Deceit appeared to be lecturing them because he was talking rather animatedly and both Logan and Patton were looking at the floor. Roman was staring down Deceit, and I couldn't begin to fathom what he was upset about now.

Deceit raised his voice and I started listening to what he was saying.

"...he shouldn't be locking himself in his room because he doesn't trust you to not make fun of him."

Oh, God. Are they talking about me? I swear if he says anything about my disease...

There were a few seconds of silence during which Roman continued to stare down Deceit.

I adjusted how I was standing because one of my legs was falling asleep, and Roman's eyes flickered over in my direction and we locked eyes.

I froze, not knowing what to do. I didn't want to be the first one to look away, but I didn't want to keep staring at Roman. 

Roman smirked and kept looking at me as he started speaking.

"But wouldn't him staying in his room be best?" he asked, making sure it was loud enough for me to hear

I gasped and immediately hid behind the wall, not wanting Roman to see how much that hurt me. I stayed hidden behind the wall, intent to hear what else Roman had to say even though I knew it would break my heart.

"I mean, all he does is ruin stuff when he's out here! He rejects every single idea I have without even thinking if it's good or not. He is always so negative about literally everything. He's always moping around saying that all my ideas are gonna go horribly wrong, even if everything's under control and going great. ALL HE DOES IS BRING US DOWN!!!!"

As soon as Roman stopped talking, Deceit exploded.

"Would you take a minute and think about everything you just said!!!!" Deceit paused for a few seconds, and I could hear him take a few deep breaths. "The only thing you're concerned about is yourself and your precious ideas. Would it hurt you to think about why he does the things he does?"

Deceit kept talking, but I couldn't hear any of it. The only thing I could hear was my heartbeat pounding in my ears, the words Roman just said flying through my mind.

"Wouldn't him staying in his room be best?"

"All he does is ruin stuff..."

"...always so negative..."

"... moping around saying all my ideas are gonna go horribly wrong..."

"ALL HE DOES IS BRING US DOWN!!!!"

I pressed my back against the wall and slid down it until I was sitting with my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped tight around them and tears streaming down my face.

There you have it. Romane hates you. He thinks you ruin everything for everyone.

I sobbed into my knees so it wouldn't be as loud and stood up, almost falling over. I raced to my room quite clumsily, not caring if the other sides heard me. Once I got to my room I didn't even bother to close my door.

I collapsed onto my bed, unable to breathe because of how much I was crying.

My chest hurt, and not just because of the multitude of petals in my lungs. I could feel my heart shattering, the realization of what Roman meant finally setting in.

I laid there unable to move for a few minutes before I sat up. I moved closer to my bedside table and grabbed my box out of the drawer and my notebook off the top. I tore 5 sheets of paper out of the notebook, grabbed my favorite purple pen, and quickly wrote a letter to each of the sides and Thomas:

Dear Thomas,
I won't even begin to comprehend what you must be going through right now. Having a side vanish is a pretty big deal.
I understand that you might not think that highly of me and might be glad that I'm gone, what with me being the embodiment of anxiety and all. I was only ever a nuisance and the only thing I did was hold you back. 
If I had one regret, it was that I couldn't keep you safe. There are many smaller instances where I failed to act when I should have, but the biggest error I can see is when I ducked out for a while. 
Yeah, seeing you and the other sides appear in my room scared the shit out of me, but it also made me realize just how much I had failed. You needed me to keep you from making terrible decisions that that could have ended with you dead. 
I felt so guilty that I did something so selfish. I knew that that might happen, yet I still decided to vanish just because I felt like I wasn't wanted. I never forgave myself, and it became another bullet point on the list of all the things I hate about myself.
Just know that none of this was your fault. I was gonna die soon no matter what, so this just made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone anticipated. 
I'm gonna miss you and the other sides wherever I end up. I'm gonna miss the bickering, the jokes, the videos, everything. 
I never got to tell you this, but I love you. You are such an amazing actor, singer, YouTuber, and friend, and I can't even begin to fathom all the wonderful things you will accomplish now that you don't have anxiety holding you back. 
Stay positive when I'm gone, okay? I know it'll be hard, but you can do it. Don't forget about Patton, Logan, Roman, and Deceit. They're there to help you too, but they're also gonna need some help. 
If you would just do one thing when I'm gone, please make sure Patton doesn't blame himself too much. He'll need to be constantly checked on, but I don't want him to end up like me; in a coffin with cuts on his arm. 
I realize that probably sounds a little dark even for Patton, but grief will do that to someone. 
I'm going to miss you all so much. 
Love, 
Virgil
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Dear Patton,
I can't imagine what you're going through right now. It must be unbearable. I mean, your son just killed himself, and you couldn't even say goodbye properly. I guess this is what this is for; the goodbye that never happened.
Patton, this isn't your fault in any way, shape, or form. I knew that this was going to happen soon one way or another. Not necessarily me killing myself, but me dying. This simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.
I'm sorry that I won't be around to make any more cookies with you. They were always so fun to make.  
Even though I never told you this when I was around, I love you, and I couldn't imagine a better "Dad". 
Don't cry too much, okay? I've gone to a good place, and you'll see me again eventually. 
Stay happy. Thomas is gonna need you, and so will the other sides, along with the fans. (A/N: What's a fourth wall??? Does anyone even know????) 
Your son, 
Virgil 
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Dear Logan,
Before you try and dive into why I did this to see if it's your fault, lemme tell you one thing. In no way, shape, or form is this your fault.
I had known that I was gonna die sometime soon one way or another. This simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected.
Don't stay up late working yourself to death. You know it ain't healthy. To quote something you said in the Mind vs. Heart video, "You need optimal sleep and rest."
I'm sorry that I won't be around to ask you really deep questions that often end with you having an existential crisis. Those conversations were always very interesting, and you are a very good debater.
Take care of Thomas for me, will ya? He'll be needin' your logic to keep him safe. Make sure he eats and doesn't get into too much trouble.
I wanna make this as full of grammar errors as I can, but I'm havin a bit of trouble.
I know you ain't good with emotions, but I just wanna say that I love you, platonically.
From,
Virgil
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Dear Deceit,
How do you say goodbye to a lifelong friend? I guess some goodbye, even if it's just a letter, is better than nothing at all.
There's no way I can express my gratitude for what you have done for me in a short letter. You've always been there for me, even when I became a Main Trait and you had every right to hate me.
If it weren't for you, this probably would have happened a lot sooner. You were always able to distract me from the negative thoughts that were begging me to kill myself at times.

It was such an honor to be able to help you be able to not lie. It made me feel like I was useful, even for just a little while. You have no clue how overjoyed I was to hear you speak to the other sides without lying once. 

I am incredibly sorry about what I said earlier. I know you do care about me so much. That has been made clear every time you helped me get through a panic attack.

When you told me that you knew about the lie I told Patton, I panicked because I was scared you would tell them about the cutting and my Hanahaki. I hadn't told them about either because I didn't want them to pity me and then demand to take care of me. 

I will forever cherish the time I spent with you. It made the short life I had worth living. Sadly, some things aren't avoidable. 
I was going to die soon one way or another, and I think you knew that. What I did simply made the inevitable a reality sooner than anyone expected. 

Just know that in no way, shape, or form was this your fault. If anything, it's entirely my fault. I did something incredibly stupid; I fell in love. 

That decision has been killing me, and not just because of the rose petals that filled up my lungs. Hearing what he said about me was what killed me. 

Don't grieve too much. I will never forgive you if you give up. You gotta help Thomas and all the other sides. They're gonna need you to help them with the guilt they will most definitely feel. 
I know I don't say this enough, but I love you, platonically. Of course, you already knew that, but it feels important to include that in the last thing I'm gonna be telling you. 

This doesn't feel like it's the end, but that's just because I'm not dead yet. I'm only going to realize that this is real when my eyes close for the last time. 

At this point you probably realize that I'm procrastinating, something I do best. To be honest, I am. I want to be dead, but I don't necessarily want to go through the pain of dying and realizing that I'm never going to talk to anyone again. 

I suppose it'll be easier for both of us if I just shut up and kill myself already.

Goodbye, best friend, 

Virgil

And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep
Yes, I feel my life is better/ So is the world we're living in/ I'm thankful for the time I spent/ With my best friend/ You're my best friend

I saved Romans for last, knowing that it would be the hardest to write.

Dear Roman,
This was the letter I've dreaded writing the most. Why, you might ask, would I dread writing you a letter? To be quite frank, it's because of all the emotions and memories I have that are attached to you, both good and bad.
For the record, I've always been a Disney fan. Becoming a Main Trait and having that debate with you only made me love Disney even more. Just writing this I have Disney songs going through my mind.
I'm certainly going to miss the Disney marathons we all had once you let me attend. Even though I acted like I despised them, I secretly loved them. It was time spent with friends watching movies that I loved. 
I suppose by now you're waiting for the typical "this isn't your fault". I would say that, but it would be a partial lie. All I have to say is be careful about who can hear what you say. You never know when they're just around the corner and hear every word you say. 
Then again, I was going to die soon no matter what. It was just a matter of what killed me first, the petals that were taking over my lungs or the hateful voices both in my head and around me. 
That's right, I had Hanahaki. I won't tell you the person I was in love with because then I'll want to die even more if this attempt doesn't work. 
Just do one thing, take care of Thomas and the other sides. Also, don't get killed by a dragon-witch. We need you around, even if you are a bit of an egotistical prick. 
Your Emo Nightmare, 
Virgil
And through it all/ How could you cry for me?/ Cause I don't feel bad about it/ So shut your eyes/ Kiss me goodbye/ And sleep

Once I was finished with all the letters I folded them into thirds and wrote each of their names on the outside of their letter.

Turning to the box containing my collection, I opened it and took the sharpest blade out, setting it on my leg momentarily. I set my box back in the drawer, making sure to close and lock it so no one would know just how many blades I have.

Once I was certain the drawer was locked, I picked up the blade that was resting on my leg and pressed it against my wrist, thinking about what I was going to do.

If I went through with this, I wouldn't get to make any more cookies with Patton. I wouldn't get to ask Logan any more existential crisis inducing questions. I wouldn't get to debate Disney with Roman.

Roman...

Just thinking about him brought a new wave of tears and anguish. Who knew it was possible for so many emotions to be tied to such a simple sound.

There were many happy emotions and memories. The fun and happiness I felt from debating the dark side of Disney with him, which ended in a giant Disney marathon, me pointing out every dark detail. All the teasing that I knew was in good fun. Everything that made me fall in love with him.

But there were so many more negative emotions and memories that came as well. All the insults that constantly bombarded me when I first arrived. The teasing that quickly turned from fun to even harsher insults when he changed his mind about me. The exclusion from Disney marathons when I first arrived because I was "too negative." The evil glares I would get whenever we were in the same room. When I first heard him say that he didn't like me and every time after that.

And then what I just heard. Of course, I already knew that I screwed everything up, but it hurts 100 times worse when someone you love and think highly of recognizes your mistakes.

I pulled my thoughts away from Roman and back to the blade pressed against my skin. Even now there were tiny specks of blood appearing at the tip.

I smiled, thinking of how much more blood would appear if I pulled the blade towards me.

I squared my jaw and did just that.

Immediately there was a line of red on my wrist, steadily getting thicker. I stared at it, content with my choice.

I made another cut next to the first, making sure to go a little deeper. A steady stream of blood flowed down my wrist and onto my legs.

The blade in my hand was already red, but that didn't stop me from making three more deep cuts next to the first two.

It was then that I was aware of how much physical pain I was in. I started breathing heavily, which ended up making blood pour out of the cuts.

I grabbed the letters I had written and laid down on my bed staring at the ceiling with my arm held out to my side.

I placed the stack of letters on my chest and, with my good hand, reached and found my headphones. I put them on and started playing Helena by My Chemical Romance, breathing along to the lyrics.

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend
To leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide

I saw a flicker of movement in my periphery and turned my head towards my door where Deceit stood.

It felt like that one part in The Fault in Our Stars because I couldn't hear Deceit when he yelled into the hallway, for Logan presumably, or when he rushed to my bed and tried to stop the profuse bleeding in my arm. All I could hear was my music.

It all felt like it was in slow motion. Logan ran into my room next, holding a first aid kit. I saw Patton standing in my doorway, sobbing into Roman's chest. Roman was looking on with an expression of absolute horror on his face.

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight

My vision started to go black around the edges, and I locked eyes with Deceit one last time, who I think was telling me to stay awake. I gathered the last bit of courage and energy I had to sing the last line loud enough for him to hear.

So long not goodnight