TW: Panic attacks, talks about cutting, mentions blood

|Previous chapter:

I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't notice when Deceit wiped a tear from his cheek or when he got up to leave, closing my door quietly behind him.

After what felt like forever I stopped shaking and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.|

Deceit POV:

I stood in the middle of Virgil's room, watching him sob in the corner near his bathroom.

He thought that I pitied him for what he was going through. He couldn't have been further from the truth. 

I don't pity him, I'm awed by the strength he has to go through that every day knowing that there's little chance for him to recover.

I knew for sure that none of the other sides, myself included, would be able to go through something like that and still be able to do our job.

The sound of nearing footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked over at Virgil and saw that he had calmed down some.

It was then that I realized that there were tears on my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away and left his room, making sure to quietly close his door behind me. 

Turning around I saw Roman running down the hall looking furious.

He stopped just in front of me and glared. 

"Do you know the meaning of all this?" he questioned.

"I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" I replied, confused as heck.

"Oh, please," Roman jeered, crossing his arms. "You were just in Virgil's room, so you must know what happened. He gave Thomas another panic attack, and I demand to know why."

Crap, Roman's gonna demand to go in there if I don't give him a good explanation.

Well, then, I thought, smirking. It's time to do what I do best.

"Oh, yeah, that," I said smoothly. "He was definitely not worried about getting Patton sick because of how much he's with him."

Roman looked at me warily, and I didn't blame him.

Oh well, guess I'll just have to step up my game a bit.

"He did not have a panic attack. He definitely did not try to calm down, but he was able to. He didn't start coughing, and he did not fall asleep."

Roman must have believed me because he sighed and uncrossed his arms. 

"Well," he said, "I guess I can bother him later since he's sleeping right now. It'll give us some time to clean up the mess he made without him making it worse."

He turned around and started walking away, presumably to go help Patton and Logan. 

Stopping at the end of the hall, he turned back to me and said, "You can come, too. We'll probably need your help."

Oh, so I will be helpful, but Virgil, an actual MAIN TRAIT won't?? Roman, you confuse me sometimes.

I sighed and followed Roman to the living room where we sunk down to help Thomas.

We appeared in Thomas's living room, and it was a mess.

Thomas laid curled up in a ball on the floor, Patton next to him whispering to him. Logan stood off to the side watching everything, and I swear I heard the Microsoft Error noise every few seconds. 

Roman turned to me. 

"This is the worst panic attack he's had in forever. Nothing's worked so far."

I sighed, knowing that I was the only one who actually knew what to do during a bad panic attack.

"Don't worry, I got this." 

"Patton," I said, kneeling down next to him. 

"Yeah?" he whispered, looking up from Thomas. I could see just how scared he was. 

"Go get Thomas a glass of Gatorade or something with some sugar."

Patton nodded and hurried to the kitchen.

"Logan!"

Logan snapped out of his trance, straightening his tie. 

"What can I do to be of assistance?" 

I shook my head slightly and smiled a bit. "Go find Thomas a light snack."

Logan quickly left to do that, looking glad to have something to do that didn't involve emotions.

I turned to Roman, who looked ready to go get something too.

"What should I get?" he asked, confirming my thought.

"Nothing. Come here and help me lean Thomas up against the couch."

I turned back to Thomas, who I could see was shaking and crying.

"Thomas, can you hear me?" 

He nodded, showing that he could hear me.

"It's me, Deceit. Is it okay if I touch you?"

He nodded again and I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Roman and I are going to sit you up against the couch, is that alright?"

He tried speaking, but no sound left his mouth. After a few tries, he gave up on talking and nodded.

I waved Roman over, and he knelt down next to me. 

"How are we gonna do this?" he whispered.

"I'll get him up so he's kinda sitting, and then you grab under his left arm. I'll take his right arm, and then we'll slide him over to the couch and lean him against it."

Roman nodded, looking quite solemn. 

I grabbed Thomas under his right shoulder and tried to lift him up, but he flinched away from me and started shaking more.

"Shit," I mumbled under my breath. This would be harder than I thought.

"It's okay, Thomas, it's just me, Deceit," I whispered, lightly resting my hand on his shoulder. "I need you to let me get you sitting up so Roman and I can move you closer to the couch. Can you let me do that?"

He nodded, and I tried again, whispering encouragement the whole time. 

It took a while, but Roman and I were able to get him to the couch. 

As soon as Thomas felt the couch against his back, he pulled his knees up to his chest. I noticed his breathing get faster, so I leaned down in front of him and cautiously put my hands on his shoulders.

"Thomas," I said, trying to get his attention.

His breathing continued to get faster, causing my worry to increase.

"Thomas!" I all but shouted.

He looked up at me, fear clear on his features.

"Can you hear me?" I asked.

Thomas feebly nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm going to need you to breathe with me, okay? In for four seconds, hold for seven, and out for eight. Can you do that with me?"

He nodded again and shifted his weight, trying to hold my arm.

I smiled and started doing the breathing exercise. Thomas tried to copy me, but his breathing was so messed up he struggled a lot. 

"I-I-I c-c-can't-t-t," he stuttered, gripping my arm tighter.

"Yes you can, Thomas," I reassured. "You just have to keep trying. You're doing great."

I started the exercise again, counting with my fingers in front of me so Thomas could see.

It took a few minutes for Thomas to be able to do the exercise with me. Once he could do it, I did it a few more times to make sure that his breathing would even out and he would calm down. 

When I noticed his grip on my arm start to weaken, I dared to speak.

"How are you doing, Thomas?"

Thomas looked up from my fingers. 

"I'm doing ok, I guess," he said, shrugging. 

"I'm glad you're doing ok," I said. I looked over my shoulder and saw Patton, Logan, and Roman standing in the corner, Patton and Logan holding snacks for Thomas and Roman holding a blanket.

I nodded to them, letting them know that they could come closer and talk to Thomas. 

Patton walked up first, holding a cup of lemonade.

"Hey, kiddo. You gave us quite a scare, there," Patton joked, trying to lift the mood. 

He held the lemonade out to Thomas, who started to reach for it, but I grabbed it and placed it on the coffee table when I noticed Thomas's hand shaking. 

"You're still a little shaky," I told him. "Don't want you spilling that all over yourself, do we?"

"I guess not," Thomas said, laughing just a tiny bit. 

Logan and Roman walked over when they heard Thomas laugh. Logan set the snacks next to the lemonade, and Roman put the blanket he had grabbed over Thomas's legs.

We all sat on the floor in a circle making sure that Thomas wouldn't have another panic attack, talking and snacking on the giant bowl of chips Logan had brought.

Thomas eventually fell asleep, and we all sunk down and appeared in our living room. 

I turned to look at the others and saw them all staring at me as if I had grown another eye.

"What?" I asked. "Do I have something on my face or what?"

"How did you know what to do back there?" Patton asked. "I'm the dad of the house, and I had no clue what to do."

I shrugged. "Let's just say that I've had plenty of experience."

"Who have you been around that has been having panic attacks?" Logan asked.

"I have a hypothesis about who the person is," Roman said from where he was standing.

"And what is your 'hypothesis'?" I asked, curious to hear his answer.

"Earlier I talked to you as you were leaving Virgil's room," Roman said, starting to pace. "You said that he was not worried about Patton getting sick, and he did not have a panic attack."

Roman stopped pacing and looked at me.

"Because you are Deceit and often lie, I have interpreted that as he was worried about Patton getting sick, and he did have a panic attack."

I smirked at Roman. "Your interpretation is correct."

Roman started pacing again, clearly not done with his hypothesis. 

"You were with Virgil when he had that panic attack, and I'm guessing you tried to help him calm down," he looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. 

"Would I be wrong in saying that you have gained your knowledge on how to handle panic attacks through helping Virgil through his?" Roman asked, gesturing towards me to answer.

"You would not be wrong, Roman. I have helped Virgil through many panic attacks in the past, but only because no one else was willing or available to help him."

I heard Patton gasp, but I continued, still having more to tell them.

"I am, quite frankly, disappointed in all of you." I paused and looked at each of them in turn. "You, Logan, are too focused on gaining knowledge and working on your projects to help Virgil research ways to deal with anxiety and panic attacks.

"Patton, as sweet and as caring as you are, you often choose to make another batch of cookies or another cake when you could be spending time with Virgil when he's been locked up in his room all day.

"And you, Roman. You are such an egotistical prick that you don't notice just how much your "oh so clever" remarks hurt Virgil. You say you're a prince, but every time you interact with Virgil you are far from princely. You keep saying that it is your duty to help and protect people, I don't see you trying to help the one person that needs someone to save them.

"None of you see just how much Virgil needs you, now more than ever, and I am disappointed. It's not that I don't mind helping Virgil through panic attacks, but I shouldn't be the only one helping him. 

"He should feel safe coming to each and every one of you with his problems, but he clearly doesn't. When was the last time he initiated any sort of conversation with any of you?"

I paused to let the three of them think.

I turned to Patton. "When was the last time he helped you bake something just because he felt like it?"

Patton opened his mouth to respond but shut if after a few seconds. He blinked back a few tears and looked at the floor. 

"I can't remember," he whispered, reaching up to wipe away tears.

I felt bad that I had made Patton cry, but this needed to be said.

I turned to Logan next. "When was the last time Virgil asked you a deep question about the universe just because he was curious and wanted to see you almost have an existential crisis?"

Logan turned to look at the ceiling. I could practically see the gears turning in his head. I wouldn't be surprised if remembered every detail of every day. 

Logan sighed and looked at me. "The last time he asked me such a question was three months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours and 45 minutes ago."

"I'm not gonna ask how the hell you remembered that, but don't you think that that was way too long ago?"

"I agree that it has been too long, and I do miss it a little bit," Logan said, also looking at the floor.

Finally, I turned to Roman. "When was the last time Virgil actually talked to you?"

Roman smirked and opened his mouth, holding up a finger.

"Actually-"

"And not for a video," I clarified, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

Roman put his hand down, upset that his loophole had been found out. 

When he didn't say anything, I turned to the other two. 

"This isn't right," I said when they finally looked at me. "He shouldn't be scared to talk to any of you about anything. I get that he's the embodiment of anxiety, so he's gonna be nervous about it, but he shouldn't be locking himself in his room because he doesn't trust you to not make fun of him."

I paused to look at them, and the look on Romans face was quite intimidating.

After a few seconds of silence, he spoke up, a slight smirk on his face.

"But wouldn't him staying in his room be best?" he asked rather loud, looking around at us. "I mean, all he does is ruin stuff when he's out here! He rejects every single idea I have without even thinking if it's good or not. He is always so negative about literally everything. He's always moping around saying that stuff's gonna go horribly wrong, even if everything's under control and going great."

"Would you take a minute and think about everything you just said!!!!" I practically shouted. 

I realized how loud that was and spoke quieter. "The only thing you're concerned about is yourself and your precious ideas. Would it hurt you to think about why he does the things he does? 

"Yeah, he may reject your ideas, but it's because he is the embodiment of anxiety and has thought about everything that can go wrong. And he has time to think about what can go wrong because he locks himself in his room and no one bothers to check on him until he's been in there for hours or something happens and you blame him for it."

I kept getting louder until I was shouting again. "He's not the bad guy!!! How long will it take you to realize that???"

I paused to catch my breath and saw Patton and Logan staring at me and Roman with their chins practically on the floor. 

"We've been best friends for most of our lives," I whispered. "The only thing he wants to do is keep Thomas safe, and he always hates himself whenever he causes Thomas to have a panic attack. 

"He would always come to me when he started having a panic attack so that I could help him calm down and then make sure he didn't do anything to hurt himself once the attack was over."

Patton sobbed, and a wave of guilt rushed over me. Virgil would probably kill me, but they needed to know what I was about to tell them.

"When he first became a Main Trait, he didn't have anyone to go to when he had panic attacks, so they ended up being worse than before. Because of this, he hated himself so much that he started cutting."

I closed my eyes, "I remember when I first saw him three weeks after he had become a Main Trait. We were in his room and he had shown me his arms, which were covered in cuts, all in neat rows, some of them still bleeding. He told me about the panic attacks he had every day, only some of which reached Thomas, but he felt horrible after each attack. He started cutting to release his anger towards himself, figuring that he deserved the pain because that was all he caused Thomas."

I sighed, a tear streaking down my cheek. I looked up and saw Logan comforting Patton, who was sobbing into his chest.

"Virgil's probably gonna kill me," I murmured, "but that needed to be said."

As soon as I finished talking Patton looked at me, tears streaming down his face.

"Why didn't he tell me any of this?" he whispered. "Is it because he doesn't trust me?"

"I don't know why, Patton," I said. "He isn't one to usually share his emotions, and I'm almost certain that he doesn't want you to feel like you failed him. He's never had anyone care about him in the way you do, Patton, and he told me that he's scared you'll find out just how messed up he is and think he's a freak."

"My poor little anxious baby!" Patton sobbed.

Logan pulled Patton closer to him and whispered something in his ear. Patton nodded, and Logan cleared his throat.

"I'm going to take Patton to his room so he can calm down some," he said, steering Patton towards the door."

"Probably a wise idea," I said, still feeling bad that I had made Patton this upset.

Once Logan had guided Patton out I turned to Roman.

"And it would be a wise idea for you to go think about what I told you guys," I told him, turning to leave. "I'm going to go make sure Virgil hasn't hurt himself again."

"Again?" Roman whispered.

I turned around in the doorway and nodded gravely. "Again."

A/N:

Hello!!!!

I did it! I finished it while it was still the weekend. Where I live it's currently 11:59  Not midnight yet!!!

This is the longest chapter I've written yet! 2924 words!!!

I hope you all enjoyed it!!

Until next time,

Take it easy guys, gals, and non-binary pals!

~death_by_fanfic