A/N: Soooooooo... the last few chapters have been somewhat happier, so it's only reasonable that things start to get angsty again. 

TW: Panic attack, self-deprecating thoughts, wanting to self-harm, wanting to die, almost self-harming

Previous chapter:

|"Looks like someone's feeling better today," Roman said, still laughing.

"Fight me," I growled, trying my best to scowl at him. It didn't work as well as I hoped, what with me being covered in pillows and all.

"Maybe later," he said as he worked to unbury me from the pillows. "But right now it's time for dinner."|

Virgil POV:

After dinner, which was a simple meal of spaghetti and meatballs, I thought I was to be left alone for a few hours.

Once I was settled in my fort, I let out a sigh. As much as I loved talking to Patton and interacting with people, it wore me out.

Slipping on my headphones, I pressed shuffle on my phone. The King of Pain, by Black Veil Brides, started to play, and I let the music take over me, singing along.

Don't ever look to the son, he will burn your eyes with the fire of his light
And never pray in the house of eternal sight where the spirit goes to die
So now we stand up and again we cry for the passion of his name
It's where we love, where we hate, it's the price we pay when our love is out of time

Where is the spark that won't fade away?
And where is the queen to my king of pain?

Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night
Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life
So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made
Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight

And when we find what we need from these broken hearts and what was missing from the start
Speak the words of a God that refuse to lie to a believer that won't try
I want to give up as my vision fades, I'm left alone and now I'm blind
Don't make me go to the desert that I left behind with the ashes of a faith that died

Where is the spark that won't fade away?
And where is the queen to my king of pain?

Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night
Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life
So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made
Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight

I cannot see what's become of life
It's all just passing by
I cannot see what's become of life
It's all just passing by, yeah

During the guitar solo, I mimicked playing the air guitar, even though I had no clue what I was doing. When it got to the last refrain, I belted the lyrics out, not caring who heard.

Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow in the night
Love and fear cannot win the fight even with an army behind your life
So don't walk away, I'll keep you safe, forget promises that we made
Say my name, never leave your side, I will be your shadow here tonight

Once the song finished, I sat there for a minute or two, thinking. 

When I took my headphones off, I heard someone clapping. Looking up in panic, I saw Roman applauding me from my door frame.

As soon as I saw him, my thoughts went into overdrive.

No, no no no nonononononono. This is not okay. He knows I sing, HE HEARD ME SINGING. How much did he see?? What'll he think?? He's basically a perfect singer. He probably hated it. He probably thinks I'm such a weirdo now.

Before I knew what was happening, I couldn't breathe and tears were freely flowing down my face, soaking my knees, which I had pulled to my chest. I was shaking and was impervious to anything outside of my tiny bubble of anxiety.

I felt something touch my shoulder, and I flinched away, falling into a pile of pillows. My tears soaked the pillow directly under my face in seconds, but I didn't notice.

Burying my face in a pillow, I clamped my hands over my ears, trying to block out the thoughts flying through my head.

idiot
worthless
burden
hopeless
failure
unwanted
better off dead

The last thought brought with it the strong urge to cut. A part of me knew that I shouldn't, but that part of me was infinitesimal compared to the urge.

Jolting up, I frantically tried to crawl my way out of the fort. I felt a hand on my leg, but I kicked it away, desperate to get out. In my hurry, I got tangled in a blanket, but I didn't let that stop me.

When I finally got out of the fort, I ran over to my bedside table, tripping and landing right in front of it. Fumbling with the key to the drawer, I managed to get it unlocked and grabbed my box from the drawer.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, but I shoved it off and ran into my bathroom, slamming my door shut behind me.

Falling onto the floor, I held the box containing my blades. Looking at it, the thoughts in my head escalated, telling me to kill myself then and there.

I slowly opened it, and there, lying in neat rows were my blades. There was one empty spot at the end of a row where the one I used all that time ago was.

I heard the door to my bathroom open and whoever was there gasped, but they didn't come any closer to me.

Grabbing the blade next to the empty spot, I set the box down on the floor in front of me. Rolling up the right sleeve of my sweatshirt, I saw the cuts on my arm that were still healing.

Seeing the cuts, I remembered the pain and emotions that I caused the others when I attempted. The guilt that they felt when they read me letters, Deceit refusing to leave my room once I had woken up, Roman refusing to forgive himself.

Remembering that, I knew that I could never put the others through something like that, no matter how much pain I was in.

Suddenly, I remembered the blade that was resting in my hand. I no longer wanted to have anything to do with it. Flinging it across the bathroom, I scrambled away from it and my box.

I was suddenly aware of the person standing in the doorway when my back hit their legs.

Turning my head back, I was greeted by Roman's white pants. He quickly crouched down and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Virgil, are you okay?" he asked, concern radiating from his body.

I quickly shook my head, tears pooling in my eyes again. I suddenly wrapped my arms around Roman's torso, desperate for contact. My sudden action surprised Roman, but, once he got over his shock, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around me.

Sitting there, being held by Roman, I suddenly realized how exhausted I was. That was my first panic attack since my attempt, and I had forgotten how draining they were.

Letting out a sigh, I let myself fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

A/N:

Hey y'all!!!! 

Sooooo... things are getting angsty again... what do y'all think about that??

Until next time,

Take it easy guys, gal, and non-binary pals!

~death_by_fanfic