TW: Swearing, Kidnapping(it's lowkey funny tho), Near-death experiences I guess

Alec: IT'S TIME TO KIDNAP BITCHESSS

Phee: I got the rope, the bags, and da horses in da back

Alec: Ooooooo, we have horses?

Phee: Um, no. It's a song I was... you know what nevermind. Let's just get started on the kidnapping.

Somewhere in South Carolina...

John Laurens: *Fighting Redcoats*

Alec and Phee: *In the bushes*

Phee: Ight, you take this bat, and you knock him in the head SOFTLY and drag him here. AND DON'T GET KILLED

Alec: Alright, I guess. *Takes bat* *Slowly creeps towards Laurens* *Knocks him out and drags him away from the creeped out British soldiers*

Alec: *In an exaggerated British accent* THE JOB IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Phee: Not so loud, bitch!

Alec: Oh, sorry. *Slightly quieter* The job is done!

Phee: *Looks around* They're all looking at us... *To people* NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS

Random Redcoat: WHAT IN CHAV'S NAME ARE YOU WEARING GOOD LADY AND SIR?

Alec: Well, Phee's wearing a crop top/shirt that's coral at the top, and white and the bottom and black shorts, and I'm wearing light ripped jeans and a black spiderman crop top. (Cause we are baddies)

Random Revolutionary: WHY ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

Phee: ITS 2020 CREEPY WHITE MEN!!!

Alec: YESS BITCHHH PERIOD

*we fly away to the next near-death with an unconscious John Laurens in tow*

Mt. Vernon, 1799

Phee: Alright, now be quiet the president's sleeping.

Alec: Okay.

Phee: Stay here with John, and make sure he stays asleep.

Alec: Alright *Lovingly caresses Laurens' face*

Phee: *Walks in the room.* *Shoves the 1st president of America in a bodybag* The deed is done. Let's go to France.

*They leave*

France, wherever Lafayette lives I guess

Phee: This time, you go kidnap him, and do it QUIETLY, please.

Alec: Okay! *Grabs baseball bat and bodybag*

Phee: Also, don't caress anyone's face here. They're like, 200 years older than you.

Alec: We homos do what we want. But fine, I'll stop.

Phee: Good, because it might make them uncomfortable.

Alec: *lowkey sad* I JUST APPRECIATE HIM AS A CHARACTER AND I-

Phee: Remember, respect.

Alec: *huffs and walks away* Hi Laf.

Lafayette: Mon Ami! Who are you?

Alec: This won't hurt one bit. *Holds up bat*

Lafayette: *Screeches and runs away*

Alec: COME HERE, PRETTY BOY! Oh wait, that sounds weird.

Lafayette: *trips, and knocks out himself*

Alec: Hm, that was easy. *Puts Laf in bodybag and yeets him out of the window, landing on the lawn, where Phee is waiting.*

John: *wakes up* Wha?

Washington: Where-

Phee: *Knocks them out* There, there. You can go to sleep now.

Alec: Got 'im

Phee: And woke up the hosta- I mean, esteemed guests.

Alec: *Gets bodybags* Let's go.

*Teleports away*

Britain, wherever

Phee: Okay, you can handle him I guess.

Alec: I know just what to do.

King George: *Dramatically gasps and starts running* I SPOT INTRUDERS

Alec: CAW CAW CAW CAW SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH *starts running after him and flapping his wing-arms*

King George *stops at the end of the hallway* Those were some impressive bird dances, my child.

Alec: I know. But although I wish the circumstances to meet were different, I must kidnap you, my fellow bird brethren. *throws the bat at him, knocking King George out of the window*

King George: *falling* TELL AMERICA I LOVE THEM

Alec: *wraps him up with bungee cords* Perfect execution, if I do say so myself.

Phee: ...Okay... Let's move on.

In America, listening to A MESSAGE FROM THE KINGGGGG

Seabury: *Standing on a platform, Lee looking at him adoringly from the crowd*

Alec: There's too much of a crowd to get them with the bats. Let's use the arrows.

Phee: What arrows?

Alec: Oh. *Pulls arrows from bag.* They're dipped in sleeping juice.

Phee: Aim at the arms, not the head. We're not aiming to murder.

Alec:...today.

Phee: What?

Alec: Nothing. Nothing at all. *Shoots the arrows*

Seabury: *Collapses*

Lee: OMG SAMMY ARE YOU OK WHAT'S GOING ON ARE YOU DEA- *Collapses*

Alec and Phee: *Run out of the shadows and drag the bodies away and teleports*

The crowd: ...

Phee: Wait no. *Teleports back* *Knocks out Hercules and Maria and teleports away*

James Reynolds: THATS MY WIFE YOU WHORE

Alec: *Teleports* NOT ANYMORE YOU WOMAN-DISRESPECTING HOMO-HATING BITCH

A little later, somewhere in America

Alec: Okay let's go, we need to split up for this

Phee: What about the er, esteemed guests?

Alec: They'll be fine.

*They leave*

*Phillip and Eacker's duel*

Alec: Hey, wassup dudes, I'm here for a Phillip Hamilton and a George Eacker

Phillip: Sir?

George: *Contemplating his life choices*

The Seconds: *Confusion*

The Doctor: What's going on? Am I needed?

Alec: Shut up and turn around so you can have deniability

The Doctor: Okay???

Alec: *Knocks out Phillip and Eacker*

The Seconds: WHat the- SOMEONE HELP THERE'S A MADMAN ON THE LOOSE!

Alec: Shit, this party is getting laaaaaame. Gotta ditch. *Leaves*

*At wherever Peggy is*

Phee: Time to Princess Peach Peggy. (? -alec)

Peggy: *Walks in the room where it happens*

Phee: *Knocks out Peggy*

Peggy's Unknown Husband: Peggy? What was that?

Phee: Oh no. *Leaves*

*At the Burr's house*

Phee: Ight, let's go! Gotta find Theodosia-

Theo: *Walks in.* Who are you?

Phee: Hi! *Knocks Theodosia unconscious* I hope that didn't hurt. *Teleports away*

Phee and Alec: *Meets up*

Alec: Time to kidnap Jeffmads.

Phee: Yay *Jazz hands*

*Takes bodybags full of historic people and teleport*

*At the Jeffmads residence*

Jefferson: UGH, Hamilton is so annoying!

Madison: *nods*

Jefferson: I mean, he's not even that rich!

Madison: *nods again and curls up into Jefferson*

Jefferson: I mean- Oh hi Jemmy!

Phee and Alec: *Creeps up behind them with bats and knocks them out*

Hercules: WHAT THE-

Lafayette: WHAT

Washington: WHERE ARE WE?

John: HELLO?

Maria: What?

Peggy: *Screams*

Eacker and Phillip: *Looks around, scared*

Lee: SAMMY?

Seabury: I'M HERE!

Theodosia: DAD?

King George: *Still being a bird*

Alec and Phee: *Knocks everyone out once again*

Alec: Can we take a rest? I like, knocked out 7 people.

Phee: No, we have like, 4 more people.

Alec: *Low-key dying inside* Alright

*They leave*

*Burr and Hamilton duel*

Alec and Phee: *Knocks both out and high tail it out of there*

The Seconds: 0-0

*Hamilton's death bed*

Eliza: *crying*

Angelica: It's okay Betsey. He's in a better place.

Alec and Phee: *Both chloroform them, and shove them inside a body bag*

The Doctor: Witches' work! The devil lives within you!

Alec: Let's get out of here before they burn us at the stake!

Phee: Good idea *Teleports away*

*Teleports into an isolated home in the countryside, with plenty of rooms and bathrooms, and a big movie theater, where everyone falls into*

Alec and Phee: *Sips on fake rosé as everyone wakes up*

Washington: For the last time! Where are we!

Alex: JOHN!

John: ALEX!

*Lams reunion*

Jefferson: *stares at Hamilton*

Lafayette: ALEXANDER WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP?

Alex: I'M SORRY, I WAS A JERK BACK THEN!

Lafayette: *Stares at Alex* Fine I forgive you. OH LORD JOHN YOU'RE HERE! *hugs John*

Hercules: *Hugs Hamilsquad* YAY YOU GUYS ARE HERE!

Eliza: Angelica! It's Peggy!

*Schuyler sisters reunion*

Maria: *Awkwardly standing there*

Eliza: *Stares* Mrs. Reynolds

Maria: I prefer Miss Lewis, or Maria after how Reynolds treated me. Thank you miss.

Eliza: Oh, okay Maria. Eliza Hamilton.

Maria: Mrs. Hamilton.

Eliza: Please, call me Eliza.

Maria: Thank you, Eliza, for being so kind to me.

Eliza: I forgive you. It really does sound like Mr. Reynolds did terrible things to you.

Maria: I- thank you so much. I do not deserve such kindness.

Angelica: Hey, us women have to stick together right?

Maria: Thank you.

Peggy: Yup! *Slightly blushes*

Maria: You must be Angelica correct?

Angelica: Yes, Maria.

Maria: And Peggy!

Peggy: You got that right!

Lee: SAMMY!

Seabury: CHARLIE! *Leebury hug*

King George: WHERE IS THE MAJESTICAL BIRDMAN I SAW? (*winks* -alec)

Jefferson: *Staring at the king.*

Madison: Why is he here?

*All revolutionaries glare at the king*

Seabury: YOU!

Alex: YOU!

Eacker: Let's not kill each other yet, until we know what's going on.

Alex: Phillip!

Phillip: Pa!

Eliza: My son!

*HamFam reunion.*

Alex: Betsey I have to tell you something.

Eliza: I have to tell you something too.

Alex and Eliza: *At the same time* I'm breaking up with you.

Everyone: *Staring at them*

Eliza: I think we're just better off as friends for now.

Alex: I agree.

Phillip: Um, what about me?

Eliza: You can switch between us. Besides, we will still meet up Pip.

Alex: That's correct son.

Phillip: Okay.

Eacker: *Puts an arm around Phillip*

Phillip: *Glares but lets the arm stay*

Theo and Burr: *Hug each other*

Burr: Alexander.

Alex: Aaron Burr, sir.

*They shake hands*

Burr: Friends?

Alex: Friends.

*They hug*

Alec and Phee: *Finishes fake rosé and drops down from the ceiling*

Everyone: *gasps*

Alec: I'm Alec. I'm fairly sure none of you know my dead name, but my pronouns are HE/HIM. If you get it wrong, *glares at everyone* you don't wanna know. *sits down and starts playing with legos*

Phee: I'm Ophilia, but call me Phee. If you call me anything other than Phee, I'll take your kneecaps.

Everyone: *Slowly covers their kneecaps*

Jefferson: Where are your husbands or parents?

Alec: For your information, we are 13.

Phee: And at this time, women don't need no men. It's 2020.

*Everyone has a mild freakout*

Alec: Yeah, history run down. Slavery abolished, but there's still a little bit of discrimination.

Hamilsquad, Peggy, Eliza, Angelica: YES! But not the discrimination part

Maria: That's amazing! Expect for the discrimination

*Everyone nods*

Phee: Women have more rights, such as voting, education, able to provide for themselves without a husband, and they can marry whoever they want, whenever they want. Remember, her-story has its eyes on you!

All Women: *Cheer loudly*

Angelica: Finally!

Phee: Yeah, the women had to riot in front of the White House a lot, but they did get us our rights!

Men: *Slightly confused but nods*

Alec: And, for all of you gay people out there, LGBTQ people are now widely accepted across the world, so you can hold hands and kiss people in public, although there are some bad people out there.

Everyone: *Cheers*

Phee: Before we get going, and tell you why you are here because you are definitely not hostages, but esteemed guests.

Everyone: *Slightly nervous.*

Alec: MODERN CLOTHES! *Pulls out PowerPoint slide on tv*

Alex: WHAT IS THAT? *Everyone freaking out.*

Phee: It's a TV, it displays moving pictures on the screen.

*Everyone in awe of the TV*

Alec: *Shows PowerPoint slide*

Maria: Clothes these days must be so comfortable!

Eliza: I agree!

Angelica: I wish I could wear trousers today.

The guys: They do look really comfortable.

Phee: Well, today's your lucky day! *Points to doors.* Left is male, and right is female! Choose your clothes!

Peggy: OH MY GOSH YES!

Theo: YAY!

*They change*

(Choose what they wear)

Angelica: ... I'm never wearing a dress again.

Eliza: I can finally breathe!

Peggy, Theo, and Maria: *Dancing around happily*

The guys: *Happy*

John: This is really nice!

Lafayette: I am rocking this outfit!

Washington: Who knew these clothes were much more comfortable than our clothes from before!

King George: I LOVE IT!

Alec: Anyways, we are reacting to a musical about Alexander Hamilton.

Alex: AWESOME!

Everyone: Very cool. *Sarcastic*

Phee: Yes, very cool because everyone in this room besides Washington, Jefferson, King George, and Madison were forgotten before this musical.

A lot of people: WHAT?

Alec: Yeah, it's really sad. Jefferson, Washington, and Madison remembered because they were the 1st, 3rd, and 4th president of America, and King George is, King George.

Everyone: Oh.

Washington: Who's the president now?

Phee: A fucking crusty-ass orange who is a terrible orange, not even a person.

Everyone: *Scared for America*

Madison: A orange is the president?

Alec: That's not what she meant.

Phee: Anyways, let's go!