Me: *makes every one pay attention by screeching kinky from the ceiling*

Jefferson: my ears are bleeding

Me: and I almost lost my voice.

Philip: that's why you don't screech so loud.

Me: no it's because your ears are next to your a and his ugly voice scratched it up.

Jefferson: hey!

Eliza: that doesn't make any sense!

Me: well, Daveed doesn't deserve to act Jefferson. At least Lafayette was slaveless and Jemmy was nicer, Daveed HAD to play that shitstick.

Madison: how did you do that?

Me: THE POWER OF JARED

Alex: who?

Me: I'll show you later.

Theo: I think my ears died.

Philip: oh no! Fear not, for I shall receive them for you, Mon Ami.

Me: Mon amour.

Philip: what? Also get down from the ceiling please.

Me: *summons phantom mangle to take my place* I said you meant Mon amour. Have you fucked yet? Wait, did condoms exist in the 18th century?

Philip, Theo and all the parents in the room: *screams unhappy sentences at me*

Me: *unfazed* okay, time for philidosia.

Everyone: w h a t

Me: about 75% of the fandom ships the m together, 49% do pheacker, and a gross amount do Philexander.

Alex: philixan- EW THATS MY SON

Me: exactly. Gross. Anyway CUE FANART KSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSK

Philip: I look kinda ugly in it.

Theo: why am I dark?

Me: you don't have an actor because you don't show up in the play, and neither does your mom, but since black people are free, one acted your father and so everybody made headcanoned designs we made an unspoken agreement to base all fanart on.

Theo: oh ok.

Me: OH NO SPOILERS AND THE REPRISE EXISTS NO IM NOT READY THEO NEOTHER OF YOU DESERVED IT WHY CANCER WHY

Theodosia: oh no.

Theo: mama? What does she mean?

Me: NO. I AM NOT A SHE. I HAVE NO GENDER. I LIVE OF OF BITTER THOUGHTS AND LACTOSE FREE MILK BECAUSE IM A CAT NOT GENDER ASSUMPTIONS.

Eliza: that made no sense either.

Me: ik.

Madison: *happy noises and gets spooned by Thomas bc Thomas fangirling too*

Philip: that's so we'll drawn!

Me: you're... Not grossed out??? Like at all???

Philip: *shrugs* it's cute. And I never met her, so you never know, maybe I could've liked her. Maybe I still can.

Me: keep in mind, that these are ships, that doesn't make them Canon. You do not have to date- er, court her because we ship it.

Philip: I know

Theo: *melts and slides across floor in a puddle of uwu*

Philip: and I oop

Me and Peggy: *squeals bc the children are educated in slang*

Me: okay ship or sink.

Peggy: ship.

Eliza, still grossed out by my remark earlier: sink

Angelica: ship.

Everyone: *turns to gape at her*

Angelica: what?

Philip: ship

Theo: *reforms* ship

Me: hecking cruise ship

Alex: s I n k

Burr: sink.

Theodosia: ship

Everyone: ship

Lee: sink! They never met!

Me: only because they never lived long enough.

Burr: what?

Me: I'm sorry. Any of you who lived longer than Hamilton's death were restored to your age in 1789. You wouldn't know. Philip himself is aware of his death at age 19, and Theo... Theo died at 24, lost at sea, a few years after.

Me: anyway, that's it for today, bye!

Theodosia: *follows me out*

Theodosia: Rory?

Me: what?

Theodosia: what about my cancer?

Me:...

Me: I'm sorry.

Theodosia: *sigh and turns back as I walk away*