Reader's discretion:

This story contains gore, mind twist, unrealistic idealism, fat shaming and eating disorder.

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How thin is too thin?

And what price you'll be willing to pay for a size zero body?

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Pushing my fingers down my throat once more, I scratched at the lining to induce vomiting for the third time today. Sensing the urge, I pushed my hair to the side and bent over the toilet bowl, gagging out the final bits of food and bile. The bile left a vile, bitter aftertaste and I poured a small cup of mouthwash to rinse my mouth.

The throbbing at the back of my head intensified after the third episode. But I was more worried about my body. Did I managed to get it all out? Maybe I should go for the fourth time. All these thoughts ran over my head like a merry-go-round, constantly nagging me. I trudged back into my room towards my bed and slumped on it. Cara Delevingne cladded in the tiniest bikini with the fluffiest pair of wings beamed down at me from the wall. Sitting up, I ran my fingers over the glossy poster, over her flat belly and down her skinny mile long legs.

Cara Delevingne, Behati Prinsloo and Kendall Jenner to name a few. They all have the body to die for. Body that I would die for. I pulled up my shirt and glared at my rounded belly, pinching it hard and wishing it will just go away.

Why? Why me?

Why can't I be like Rachel with her tiny waist? Or even Miyaki with her petite stature?

I blinked away my tears, even more determined now to get the perfect figure I've been dreaming for. Changing into a large t-shirt that reached my elephant thighs and black leggings, I grabbed my school bag and headed downstairs. Mom was already in the kitchen, nibbling on a piece of dry toast with her perfectly manicured fingers and coiffed hair.

I plopped onto the stool and glanced at the packet of fruit loops sitting on the countertop. My fingers itching to reach over and rip the package open, delving into the sweet, sugary cereal.

"Don't even think about it," Mom warned as she glanced sideways at me.

At this moment, Rachel came waltzing into the kitchen and pecked on my mom's cheeks, greeting her good morning. Mom smiled and clasped Rachel's hands, pulling her into a seat beside her. She grabbed the cereal with more fierceness than necessary before shooting a glare towards my direction and slid over the package within my sister's grasp.

"Thanks, mom! I've been starving the entire night!" Rachel chirped as she went over to the fridge and poured herself a bowl of milk before drowning the cereal in them. Then, she scooped a spoonful and crunched on it, moaning in the process. "Oh my gosh. This tastes like heaven."

My mouth watered and I gulped audibly as I stared at those heavenly cereal. Rachel noticed my stare and scooped another spoonful, pointing it towards me.

"Want some?" she offered, knowing full well I wasn't allowed to have any, no matter how desperate I craved for a taste.

Mom tutted. "She wouldn't dare. She couldn't afford a taste. Not if she wishes to remain fat and unappealing for the rest of her life."

Her words cut deep, especially when she referred me as she as if I didn't deserve her acknowledgement. Unlike Rachel, I didn't inherit mom's good looks or even her slim figure. Instead, I got dad's beefy genes and tall stature.

I knew mom never truly agrees with me. I could see the disappointment in her eyes when I couldn't fit in a size four dress for my junior high prom while Rachel practically slid into a size zero couture dress. Rachel was the golden girl, mommy's best daughter. I was just....her other daughter. A nobody.

"Now, if you're done wallowing in self-pity, hurry up and get into the car. Rachel can't be late for her first day of senior year." mom urged as her heels clacked on the pavement. Rachel turned her head and shot me a smirk.

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I HATE high school. That was an understatement. No words could describe how hellish it was for me. Contrary to my sister's fame for being the leading cheerleader, I was just a fat, geeky pig who failed at everything.

"Ethan!" my sister nudged me aside and went trotting towards her latest boyfriend. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss. He pressed his lips against Rachel's and I felt a hint of jealousy pang in my heart. 

I quickened my steps, unwilling to bear a second more of their public display of affections. Ethan was my first and only crush before he became the quarterback star, a perfect match with my sister. Stopping in front of my locker, I jerked it open and slowly stole a peek at him. His sun-kissed blond hair and perfect amount of muscles. 

He's an Adonis. 

I frowned when my gaze flitted down to my thunderous thighs. Gripping the hem of my large t-shirt, I tugged it lower to cover them. The bell rang, signalling the start of the first lesson. I hurriedly grabbed the stacks of books and slammed the locker door shut. 

As soon as I was seated, Mr Harlow came rushing into the class before depositing his books on the table with a loud thud. I opened the chemistry book open and slipped my phone in between the pages.

"Students, please return to your seats and turn to page 105. We'll be looking at neutralisation before beginning the quiz." Mr Harlow explained. "I hope you're prepared for it." he hinted as he dipped his head low and looked over his glasses at us. I slid lower into my seat, feeling guilty that the quiz completely slipped off my mind. I was too busy puking my guts out and doing jumping jacks.

"Now, neutralisation is where acid and-" Mr Harlow's voice trailed off as my attention shifted to my phone. I needed my daily thinspo fix. My fingers thumbed through the screen as thousands of celebrity pictures appeared. I constantly swiped to the left, the Olsen twins and Paris Hilton zoomed across the screen. Determination rushed through me as I made an oath to myself that not a single bite of food will go past my lips for the whole week.

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I failed my quiz terribly. And it dampened my mood. And this eventually led to a sinful bite of chocolate stashed in my pocket. 

I need to puke.

I pushed past the crowd and dashed into the washroom. Pushing open the cubicle's door, I immediately bend over and gagged, shoving my fingers down my throat past the knuckles. Saliva tinted with brown chocolate dribbled down my chin when I heaved for the last time. I wiped at my chin and cleared my throat. The throbbing returned. I slumped against the door, tears falling down my cheeks as I wept in disappointment. I repeatedly scratched at my arms till they bleed as I remembered how easily I broke my vows.

I sucked in a deep breath and calmed myself down. I still have art class and since it's my favourite subject, I didn't want to miss it. The door creaked open when I pushed at it and I ran my hands under the water at the sink. The cool water splashed against my face to wash away traces of tears. Feeling better, I slowly collect my art supplies from the locker and head towards the art class.

It was sculpting today. Each of us had a bucket of polymer clay beside our seats and we were asked to sculpt one of the ancient Greek figures. 

Adonis. 

That was the first thing that popped into my mind.

I scooped a clump of clay and started molding it into an egg-shaped lump. My fingers glided against the slippery clay as I worked on the features. Eyes, nose and lips. How perfect it'll be if we can sculpt our own features to perfection. Maybe we wouldn't be so desperate to go under the knife anymore. I smiled wryly at the thought.

Moving on to the torso, I picked up one of the loop tools and started scraping out a ribbon of clay from the mass. I envisioned Ethan in his naked glory, how his sculpted chest would feel under my fingers. My cheeks felt hot as it reddened to the shade of tomato. 

Focus, Amy! Focus!

As I continued working on the sculpture, I felt as if I was entranced by the smooth lines the loop tool created, effectively removing unappealing lump of flesh. 

Flesh?

My lips tugged into a smirk.

That would be convenient, huh?

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Author's notes:

I used to be bulimic when I was 15 and it was the worst feeling ever. Despite the littlest satisfaction you get from vomiting out all the food, the throbbing pain of your throat and head goes beyond that. Not to mention the constant worry whether there's still food in you. Thank goodness I wasn't in too deep and managed to pull myself together without medical interference.

This story is written based on personal experience and may or may not depict the real situation.

If you suffer from eating disorder or knows someone who has eating disorders, please get help. It's not worth it. Trust me.