a/n: this chapter is short, but the message of it is so important to me. i hope you enjoy it.

sending all my love,

krissy

20. HEALING

-

I DREAM THAT I'm standing on a beach.

It must be the sound of waves that tells me. The rise and fall of them is a rhythmic balm on my heart. My feet sink into soft sand. When I look out, I see only darkness, but somehow I know that this is near Osaka Station, tucked away from the madness of the city.

A lone candlelight glows out at sea. I have a flash of myself standing here holding my father's hand. Watching them roll out boats of the latest Red Lung infectees to sea. They used to do this a lot—even before the massacres began happening, they would cremate the dead, hold funeral progressions down the canals, and glide out into the ocean to toss the ashes.

For my father, I was too bitter to follow the progression to the ocean. But the first time...

Someone squeezes my hand. I'm a little girl, stunned into silence, unreachable.

"Come on, Hina," says otou-san. "We have work to do."

Not Hina-chan. Just Hina. Those suffixes are terms spoken only by an open heart, a luxury nowadays. "I don't wanna leave."

Another tug at my arm. "Everyone's left already."

"I'm not leaving."

A mix of voices disturbs the peace. Officers on duty, forcing the last of us to leave so they can move onto their next job. A sudden wave of panic and anger grips me as footsteps approach.

"Excuse me—"

"I know, I know, we're leaving. Hina."

What happens next is a memory—I watch it as if I'm standing outside of myself, see a small girl thrashing against the frustrated pull of otou-san's hand, his other arm pushing officers out of the way.

"Don't touch her. I've got her, she's my daughter," he snaps. "Hina."

"No!" The scream breaks. Fear and discomfort lance through me at the sound. It's the broken bawl of a child—of me, unable to understand why my heart felt so empty and powerless. I watch as otou-san tugs me, screaming and crying into the shadows. I'm not ready. This isn't right. I'm not finished. A visceral pain grips my chest. I remember this moment so vividly, when I felt as if the world had robbed me of my last goodbye.

The memory fades. I'm standing alone again on the beach, the waves rising and falling. Crystalline water touches my toes.

Maybe this is a chance to try again. The extra time I always wanted.

I close my eyes and try slowing my breathing to match the rhythm of the sea. It's hard at first. My heartbeat stumbles into pace, then steadies itself as it adjusts, gradually, to the slowness of it. Let go, Hina.

There's something so comforting about standing like this. Letting every muscle in my body relax. It feels like I'm allowing my body rest for the first time. Like my heart is releasing a one big sigh.

I never want it to end.