just for fun, comment what you think this chapter will be about just based on the title lol. also, pey is feeling better :)

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The morning of our film class — the first since break started — I don't even entertain the hope of getting Levi to talk to me. I ride my longboard to class, dreading the moment I see him again. His words, threaded with impatience, ring over and over again in my mind.

Still, my eyes still scan the room for him when I walk into class. When I see him, my whole body tensed. He's looking forward at the projector screen that's set up at the front of the classroom. I quickly take a seat, not sure if I'm more scared of him looking at me with that searing expression of disappointment, or him pretending that I don't even exist. Both feel like a bullet tearing through my chest.

Pavil greets us in an obviously good mood, asking a few students in the front row to tell us what they did over break. After the students awkwardly stutter out their answers, he moves on.

"Today's one of my favorite days of the semester if you couldn't tell from my eagerness," he says, dimming the lights. "I'm sure we'll all enjoy watching the magnificent extra credit projects of a few of our students. But it's even more fun to laugh at the piles of burning horse shit that some students have unknowingly put together. Let's get started, shall we?"

I wonder if Levi even got the chance to finish his — our — short film. If he could even stand watching clips of me to put it together.

The first two films are okay. One is centered around a girl's passion for climate change activism. Pavil gives her a decent grade even though I saw him dozing off in the last minute. Him and the rest of the class.

The second is done by a boy and a girl. A couple. Their film is centered around — gag — their undying love for one another, complete with clips of them kissing and giggling and — gag — fondling. It's borderline pornographic, and watching it with a hundred other college students feels like a fever dream. Pavil pretends to throw up on his desk and literally tells them to get out of his classroom for making him sit through that. They hold hands as they gather their stuff and leave. Good riddance.

The third is about yo-yo-ing. Even from my seat, I can see the excitement on Professor Pavil's face at the beginning as he anticipates another steaming pile of shit, but it slowly wanes as the film turns out to be really good. We're all a bit shell-shocked when the exemplary film ends and Pavil declares that the student will receive full extra credit.

When Pavil calls Levi's name, I can't decide whether the feeling in my stomach is dread or excitement. Maybe a bit of both, along with the residual heartbreak of my talks with him and Jack.

The title of the short film is how far. I, along with the rest of the class, am confused by the ominous title, and I instinctively look toward Levi. His face gives nothing away, so I frown and turn toward the front. Something feels off.

My concerns are eased when the short film opens with perfectly-edited clips of me dancing with soft music playing. I blush a bit as I watch myself from his point of view, knowing my entire class is watching me dance with my eyes closed. Nonetheless, it's nice. Seeing myself from an external perspective. Knowing what I look like outside of the depths of my overthinking mind.

Levi made me look really good.

Then, out of nowhere, it cuts to a far-away clip of me laughing with Dani on our backyard patio. I remember that moment; it was the day after we'd arrived, and Dani and I were catching up. It narrows in on the pure joy on my face. The way my eyes squinted closed with tears because I was laughing so hard. I didn't even know he'd been filming that moment.

Then for a split second, it cuts back to a close-up of my face as I dance. Contrasted against the happiness from a few seconds ago, the stern expression on my face can't be mistaken for focus or quiet enjoyment. My blood runs cold as I realize that Levi's trying to emphasize something.

He's pointing out how sad I am when I dance.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Up front, Pavil is sitting up straighter in his seat, noticing the same thing I've noticed.

The scene changes again. Now I'm sitting in his apartment, playing with my necklace and trying in vain to keep the tears from my eyes. I know what's about to come out of my mouth, and I feel those same tears pricking in my eyes.

"But then . . . Dani couldn't dance anymore. And it wasn't fair, because I should've been the one unable to dance. Not her. She deserved to do the thing she loved. But that's the way things were, and it fucking sucked."

Pavil gave directions to not use any vulgar language in our projects, but he doesn't say anything. He's engrossed in this, in my sadness, just like the rest of the class.

It cuts back to my dancing. Now there's obvious pain in my face, and I know everyone in this room sees it. Then it's Levi's voice coming through the speakers as I dance and dance and dance.

"Passion requires sacrifice. Time, energy, determination. It's a fire that demands to be fed, even when you have nothing left to give. But what if your passion isn't a passion at all? What if your passion is really just guilt? . . ."

A tear falls down my cheek, but I don't move to wipe it.

". . . guilt that tears you down and consumes you from the inside out like a selfish flame. Where do you draw the line? How much are you willing to give to feed the guilt that holds you prisoner? . . ."

The second-person narrative may seem like a risky artistic choice, but I know what Levi's doing. He meant for this film to be speaking right to me. Accusing me of throwing away my life over my guilt.

How could he do this to me?

The film keeps going on, cutting to clips of me dancing, laughing with Dani, crying during the interview. He even uses a clip of me talking about how often I dance in a week. I'm obviously lying in the clip, concealing the truth behind my obsessive practicing.

". . . it's easy to mistake obsession with love. Sacrifice for loyalty. But at the end of the day, it comes down to one thing. Blindness. The inability to see that you're no longer your own person, but simply a selfless shell of what you could have been . . ."

More tears are falling, but every atom in my body is rigid with anger and embarrassment. People are turning their heads to look at me, to get a good look at that pathetic girl who's too fucking stupid to realize she's wasting her life away. I try to keep my face as steely as possible as I keep watching. My heart breaks with every word he says.

Then I'm back at Levi's table. There are split-second flashes—clips of me laughing on my bed. Clips that Levi filmed that day he interviewed me in my dorm.

"Dance was our thing, and life had taken it from her. So it only seemed right to . . . " I say.

I don't finish the sentence, and then it's me dancing again. The music gets louder and louder as I pirouette, still closing my eyes to keep the sadness at bay. The music gets louder and I spin even faster.

Then the music stops and the screen goes black.

Then it's just Levi's voice.

"How far would you go . . . for someone you love?"

There isn't a single sound in the classroom as we all wait for its final lines. I prepare myself for whatever he could possibly say to cut me even deeper.

"Would you give up your life?"

Then it's over, and Pavil turns the lights on. I don't even have to look at Levi to know that he's staring at me, gauging my reaction to that atrocity.

"Mr. Easton, Ms. Maddox," Professor Pavil says slowly, leaning over his desk. Everyone is clapping, "that was spectacular. Levi, terrific narration. Scarlett, thank you for your vulnerability. Extra extra credit. Twenty extra points instead of fifteen. I hope to see more collaboration between you two in the future. Bravo."

For a second, I wonder why the professor isn't grilling Levi for embarrassing me like this. Then I remember that he thinks we made this short film together. That I agreed to present the deepest, most vulnerable parts of myself to the class. Levi knew I'd be unable to do anything but sit still and watch as he did this to me.

Levi knew this. And he did it anyway.

The professor sees the tears on my face and he softens his expression. "Ms. Maddox, please take as much time as you need to collect yourself outside. I know that it couldn't have been easy to present this side of yourself to all of us. But I promise that we all feel honored to have seen it."

I nod and push my chair out too loudly, scrambling to pick up my backpack and run out of that suffocating classroom as fast as possible. Tears are freely falling at this point, and I don't even stop to consider how pathetic I look.

I want to fucking blow up when I hear the footsteps behind me. The nerve of this guy.

"Get the hell away from me," I yell as I burst through the building doors and into the fresh air. My voice is uneven and sad, but I force as much anger behind my words as possible. My whole body feels like it's shaking.

The footsteps gain on me, then I feel a hand on my upper arm. I yank my arm out of Levi's grasp as harshly as possible, turning around and looking at him with as much vileness and anger as I can conjure.

"So now you wanna talk to me, huh?" I ask, forcing a deep scowl on my face through my tears. "After all the damage is done and I can't ever show my face in that classroom again. Now you choose to chase after me? What the fuck are you doing, Levi?"

I don't give him the chance to answer. I want to throttle him with my bare hands, but I settle for just yelling some more.

"I don't know you. That's what you said the other day," I spit. "So what gives you the fucking right to act like you know everything about me? To do that to me?" I point back at the building, and my anger makes it hard to keep my arm still. "You don't know me, Levi. You embarrassed me. You treated me like shit the other day knowing that you were going to do this to me in front of a hundred other students, and you don't even fucking know me."

Levi steps closer, and I take a step back. "This isn't about what happened the other day or over Thanksgiving. Yes, I was frustrated with you, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. Scarlett, this is bigger than some stupid fight with your boyfriend."

I shake my head. "I don't want to hear it."

But he goes on. "This is about your future. Your entire life. I know you well enough to know that your guilt about Dani is holding you back. Everything I said was true. You're lying to yourself," he says, raising his voice to match mine.

"No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to tell me about my own life, and you sure as hell don't get to talk about my sister," I yell. "This isn't about me. This is about your apparent obsession with my life. You're psychotic."

"You're not living for yourself. Listen to me. I spent a week with you and your family. I spent a week with you, and you didn't mention dance once if not to complain about it," he says. "This has to be said."

My anger and frustration are growing. So much so that I can hardly form a sentence.

Levi continues. "Your brother and Jack talked about basketball every fucking second. I learned more about stocks and cars from your dad than I ever needed to know. And Dani couldn't stop talking about whatever new hobby she'd taken up. But you? Your greatest concern was someone else. You center everything around her. You're letting your guilt rule your entire life."

"So what?" I yell without thinking. It isn't until the words are out of my mouth that I realize that I'm admitting that he's right. "Why is it your concern whether or not I choose to dance? This is my life, and I don't see why you feel the need to tell me how to live it."

"Because I care about you. Why can't you fucking understand that?" he says, running his hands through his hair. "And it seems like I'm the only one because no one else seems to want to tell you the truth. Not your family, not that fucking boyfriend of yours."

"Don't talk about my family," I say threateningly, and I suddenly want to hurt him. Hurt him for talking about my family, for talking about Jack. "And don't you dare bring Jack into this. You don't get to talk about him."

He knows he's hit a nerve. He holds up his hands, but the expression on his face doesn't indicate that he's surrendering at all. "Scarlett, you say I don't know you. But I'm the only one who knows you well enough to see what you're putting yourself through. And I'm sorry that I chose to confront you about it in this way, but I'm not sorry about trying to save you from doing this to yourself."

"Saving me? Get over yourself, Levi," I yell. "You're not my family. You're not my fucking boyfriend. And I'm even starting to regret even thinking of you as a friend because a friend sure as hell wouldn't have done that to me."

I'm about to walk away when I decide to add one more thing. The thing that pisses me off the most. "My sister almost died, and you go and make a short film shitting on my concern for her. You're disgusting."

"How the hell was I supposed to know that, Scarlett?" He says, matching my tone. "I don't know what happened to Dani. You waste your time compensating for what happened to her, and you don't even let yourself talk about it. Look at yourself."

"She overdosed." I finally snap. "I was the one who caused it and I was the one who found her unconscious and barely breathing in a pile of her own vomit. And I was the one who almost let it happened again last week. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

Levi steps back, speechless. I shake my head, looking up to the sky. I can't look at him right now.

"You want me to tell you about how I'm the reason my sister was addicted to oxycodone before she learned how to fucking drive? Want me to give you more sob-worthy content to add to your little short films?" I bite out. "My life isn't a puzzle for you to put together, so stop trying."

I bite my lip to keep the tears at bay, but it's no use. "Because it hurts, Levi. You have no fucking clue as to the kind of pain that my family and I have been through." My voice breaks, and I look at him so he can see the tears fall. The dam has broken, and the pain is growing with every breath I take. "It hurts so fucking much that I wish that it was me that had almost died instead of her."

His surprised face gives me a cruel sort of satisfaction, and I keep going. I take a deep break and lower my voice. "And don't tell me about keeping my past buried, because I don't even know your brother's fucking name. So just stop."

He shakes his head and looks away, but I don't even let myself comprehend what's going on. Because right now, I'm afraid that I'll physically hurt him if he gets me any angrier. My senses are blurred with hot waves of fury, and I have to get away from him before I do or say something I regret. I need to get away and think.

With tears still running down my face, I start counting backward from thirty, clenching my fists until my nails tear into the flesh of my palms. I tear my eyes away and walk away.

Everything is hitting me full-force, and when the blood begins to collect between my fingers, I welcome the sting.

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voting

jack

levi

thought corner

1. Thoughts about Levi's film? Was he in the wrong?

2. Was Scarlett's reaction justified?

3. Predictions for what will happen now?

4. Are you surprised by the reveal of Dani's past?

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