thank y'all for being so understanding! peyton is still recovering from her concussion. we apologize, but this is a pretty major chapter and we didn't feel right posting without putting in the time to edit it perfectly. the updates coming up will probably be sporadic as well as pey continues to recover, but we will try our best!

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I spend every possible second by Dani's side before we have to leave, both in the hospital and at home after she's discharged. But I'm dreading going back to college for reasons besides leaving Dani behind.

Dad forces me and Archer to drive back together. If it was up to Archer, I'd be walking back to campus. But it's not, and the car ride is excruciatingly quiet. The deafening silence between us is only mediated by the soothing sound of Taylor Swift coming from the radio. Other than that, nothing.

I try to talk to him, to explain myself, but he won't give me the time of day. Won't even look at me. When I so much as mention Jack's name, Archer's grip on the steering wheel tightens until his knuckles turn white.

We betrayed him. We lied to him for months. He deserves to be furious at us.

He drops me off at my dorm and speeds off once I'm inside the building. I smile at that small gesture; even when he's fuming at me, he's worried about my well-being and safety. But the small satisfaction of that detail is quickly diminished once I get into my dorm room. Once I'm completely alone with nothing to keep the overwhelming thoughts from completely knocking me over.

I burrow myself under my covers, blocking reality out while I try to think about how to fix the problem I created. I finally allow the floodgates of my feelings open, letting every repressed emotion and thought mix together as I try to work my way toward a solution. Tears begin to build in the corners of my eyes as I realize one fact.

There isn't a solution that doesn't involve breaking at least one of their hearts. That doesn't involve breaking a piece of mine.

It's all too much, and I tangle myself in my sheets. My cheeks and pillow are stained with tears by that point, and my whole body hurts from simply thinking about Jack and Levi. It becomes painfully obvious what I need to do. If not for myself, then for them.

And for Dani—the person who I ignored because of all this.

The next day, I don't text Jack that I'm coming over. I know that Archer's out of the dorm for one of his classes, and I can only pray that Jack isn't somewhere else.

When Jack opens the door, he looks like hell, and my heart breaks a bit more. Pretty soon, my heart will be comprised of millions of tiny cracks, irreparably shattered.

The bruises on his face that Archer inflicted are healing, but they look terrible. Greens, yellows, and purples dot his face, and his eye and lips are puffy. But beyond his injuries, there's a regretful sadness layering his expression. That sadness is magnified when he lays his eyes on me.

He moves out of the doorway, and I walk in without a word. I sit on his bed, trying to turn off my senses. I don't let myself enjoy the slightly woodsy scent that always seems to follow Jack — a product of both his cologne and natural scent. The familiar softness of the sheets under my legs: the same sheets we've laid together on, talking for hours upon hours about everything under the stars. Where we've taken numerous naps together. Where he's kissed me and listened to me attentively as I told him every detail about my day, even when he definitely had more important things to do.

Where I began to fall in love with him.

The first words that come out of his mouth make my chest pound with even more heartache. "How's Dani doing?" he asks, sitting next to me.

I realize that he must be thinking over the same memories that I am. He looks like he wants to touch me — to hold me — just as much as I want to touch him. To go back in time and stay where we were. Blissful and happy. Together.

I will myself not to cry.

"She's out of the hospital, and Mom and Dad are keeping a close eye on her. I'm still worried about her," I say. "She swears that she doesn't know why it happened. She told us that she hasn't . . . and I believe her." My voice breaks. "I have to believe her because I can't stand the thought of her relapsing while I was right there."

The tears begin to fall no matter how hard I try to make them stop. Jack gives up trying to hold back, and I feel his strong arms wrap around me. Even though I told myself I wouldn't, I let myself be comforted by him. For a second, he protects me from the world and allows me to let it all out. My face is pressed in his neck, breathing in that deep familiar scent that only causes more tears to fall.

"It's not your fault," he says into my hair, and we both know we're not just talking about what happened over Thanksgiving. "What happened to Dani wasn't anyone's fault, Scar."

"No," I say vehemently. "I'm sick of people saying that." I hate how cruel I'm being, but I have to say this. My voice takes on a certain angry quality, and I can't decipher whether I'm angry at myself or at Jack for trying to make me feel better. I don't deserve to feel better.

"Because it was my fault, and no one could possibly know what it feels like to know that you almost killed your own sister. It was my fault a year ago, and it was my fault that she almost died again a few days ago. I failed her when she needed me most."

I stop myself, but I think we both know what I wanted to say: I failed her because I was too caught up in you.

You've been the most perfect distraction.

Jack's silence slices deep, and I feel a rift widen between us. Our close proximity and the tension in the air remind me why I'm here, and the anger dissipates. It seems like all I feel lately is sadness.

Even when my tears start to slow, he doesn't let me go, and I don't try to move away. I feel his deep breaths beneath my touch. We both know what's coming.

"This is goodbye, isn't it?" He asks, and his usually-confident voice breaks at the end.

There's no malice or judgment in his voice. It's just the sound of him voicing what we've both known since I walked through the door with tears welling in my eyes. But it's hearing him say the words out loud, hearing the brokenness that he's trying to hide from me. The tears threaten again.

But I don't let them fall. I can't use my tears as a weapon against him, guilting him into not being angry with me. Because he deserves to be angry with me as well. This is all my fault, I was the one that lied to myself and everyone else, so I suck it up and face him like he deserves.

I sit up and look at him. "Jack, I never wanted to hurt you like this." It's such a pathetic thing to say as you break up with someone, but it's the truth. I hope he sees that. "Everything just got so out of control."

"I know," he says, tracing the inside of his cheek with his tongue and looking at the wall. "I get why you did the things that you did, lying to Archer about you and Levi." He pauses. "But Scar, it fucking tore me apart seeing you with him all week. The way he'd talk to you, the way he'd look at you. That fucking nickname."

It's when he's talking about Levi that I hear the first and only traces of anger in his voice. I know there's more he wants to say about Levi, but he holds that emotion back for my sake.

And I see the ways it's torn him apart, inside and out. Jack has been the most understanding, patient person I could've asked for. But there's only so much he can take. He continues, "I just . . . wish you'd been honest with me. I told you that's all I wanted from the beginning."

I nod my head, pressing my lips together. "Jack" —I pause, wondering what in the world I could ever say that could make this better. There are so many things I want to say to him, but my tongue won't form the words— "I never slept with him. I've never done anything with him."

But I did so many other things to Jack. And in my mind, the things I did to him were so much worse. The fact that I can't even put into words my feelings for Levi is evidence enough of my betrayal.

Truthfully, I don't even know where Levi and I stand. I have no idea where I even want us to stand.

Jack looks down into his lap. "I think I knew that as soon as Archer said the words, but I just lost control. All I remember is seeing Levi's arms around you and thinking about every comment he's made toward you, and all I could think about was hurting him in any way I could. I blacked out."

What he did to Levi was terrible, but it's not the time to be angry. I came here to set things straight. To tell the truth. "Jack, I don't know where my head is at. Everything has just gone to shit, and I need to sort my feelings out." My feelings for you and Levi. "And I can't keep hurting you while I figure my life out. It's not fair to anyone, especially you."

Jack doesn't answer. I stare at him, silently begging him to give me anything. Anything but this deafening silence that seems to follow me. "Please don't hate me," I whisper, my voice scratchy and filled with tears.

He looks back up at me, and his colorful eyes look glassy. The heartbreak is still palpable, but there's something else in his expression now. He smiles, reassuring me of something. "Scar, I don't think there's anything you could do that would make me hate you."

When I don't respond, he sits up a little straighter, collecting his thoughts. "I know I should be mad at you, but I just can't bring myself to be. I know you think you fucked up these past few months, but I've been fucking up for years before that, not telling you how I really felt about you."

Our eyes connect. "Years?" I ask.

He nods, smiling to himself. "It's stupid, I know." Then his voice gets serious. "I let the past get in the way of telling you how crazy I was for you, even back then." Then he turns that sad smile to me. "It's not your fault that I waited until another guy had come into the picture. I have myself to blame for that, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

My heart aches as I think of all those years we lost to fear — both of us pining but unwilling to reveal our true feelings. He just sat by and watched as I started dating Bryce. And then I met Levi just as Jack decided to make a move.

What was holding him back?

My breakup with Bryce last year wasn't nearly this painful, and we'd dated for almost five months. This all feels so wrong — like I'm ripping off a piece of myself that has been keeping me alive. Every inch of my skin feels raw.

The tears are falling again, and I'm mad at myself for letting them. He deserves the truth, not my pitiful tears. "I just need time to think," I say, holding back sobs in my throat. "To focus on school and dance . . . " and Dani. My face scrunches in pain involuntarily, and suddenly I'm back in his arms. And I admit to myself that there's nowhere I'd rather be.

We stay like that for a little while. But the reality of what I've just done sets in, and I know I have to let him go. It's the least I can do, after everything I've put him through. I release my arms from their place around his neck, and he unwraps his arms from around me. But he doesn't let me go.

He just looks at me, just like he's done so many times before. I wonder if he's like me, wondering if this is the last time he'll see me like this, up-close and intimate.

Then he holds my face between his hands, and the kiss he presses to my forehead is so heartbreakingly gentle that I almost lose it again. But I hold it together long enough to hear what he has to say afterward.

"When you figure out what you want, whatever it is," he says, using his thumbs to wipe some of many tears from below my eyes, "I'll be here. I'll always be here for you."

His words are so sincere that I can't find the words to reply. So before I can change my mind and curl back into his arms, I stand up. There are still millions of threads woven between us, trying to pull me back to him. Threads that were just beginning to strengthen into something more.

Something that feels too fragile to destroy.

It's only when I shut the dorm door behind me — when I forcibly snap those delicate threads — that I let myself break down in sobs again.

♔

When dance, I'm able to force myself to forget the pains in my chest. But while at the hospital with Dani, the doctor had checked out my leg and said I shouldn't dance for at least two weeks. If I hadn't walked on it so soon, it would have been fine by now.

Yet another thing I managed to screw up.

Without the option of replacing my emotional pain with the physical pain of sore muscles and bloody feet, I'm forced to confront every ugly, repressed emotion I've been tucking inside.

I need to talk to Levi and apologize, but he isn't answering any of my calls or texts. Our class isn't for a few more days, but I can't wait that long.

I longboard to his apartment, pushing aside all reservations for the sake of doing what's right. I need to make the effort to apologize, to make this right by giving him the chance to be angry at me.

I knock on the door. "Levi," I say through the door. "Please let me in. I know you probably never want to see me again, but I need to explain. Levi, please."

I hear footsteps coming toward the door, but they stop when a voice booms from somewhere else in the apartment. "Do not open that door, Lauren," Levi yells, and I start to get antsy. "Or I'll fucking kill you. Slowly and torturously."

The door opens anyway, and a brunette girl who I assume to be Lauren smiles at me. "Hi, I'm Lauren," she greets. "Levi's band mate." And I realize why she looks familiar—she's the other guitarist. "He ate my leftover chicken parmesan last night," she explains, letting me walk through the doorway. "This is my payback."

I thank her quickly and brush past her toward the hallway where the bedrooms are. Three of the four bedroom doors are open, revealing Levi's bandmates' bedrooms. The last has to be Levi's.

"I know I'm being overly pushy, but I just need to talk to you once," I say as I walk into the room. "Then you can tell me to fuck off and you'll never hear from me again. I swear."

Levi's shirtless at his desk, in nothing but a pair of black shorts. His eyes don't turn to me when I enter, and I begin to doubt myself.

My eyes flit around the room as I realize that this is the first time I've been in here.

"It's a lot neater than I expected," I say, thinking out loud. His room is boyish but clean. There's a bookshelf full of books in the corner, and his desk is manicured. The only thing out of order is his bed, which is unmade.

Above his desk, I see a small stack of notebooks papers at the corner of his desk. My confidence rises when I realize they're all the the toilet pictures I've doodled for him over the past few weeks. He kept them all.

Levi looks like he's doing homework on his computer, and I can practically feel the tension radiating off him as he writes line after line of something that I can't see.

When it becomes obvious that he's not going to talk to me, I begin to let it all out. "I'm so sorry, Levi. I never should have let everything fall apart like it did, and it's my fault that Jack attacked you and that Archer said all that stuff about you and me. It just all got out of hand, and I'm so sorry that you ended up in the middle of it," I say all at once, hardly stopping to catch my breath. I feel slightly better getting it off my chest.

Levi just keeps his eyes on his computer. I look a bit closer and realize he's editing a video in iMovie.

"Is that our film project?" I ask lightly. It's a stupid question, but I just need him to say something, even if it's to respond to my stupid question. "Do you mind if I see it?"

"Scarlett," he says. His voice is like steel, and I feel it reverberate through my entire body.

"Yeah?"

Levi shuts his laptop and looks up at the wall, still refusing to look at me. The muscles in his arms flex as he folds his arms across his chest, leaning back in his chair. "What did I say to you the day you apologized for what happened on Halloween?"

The question catches me off guard, and I think back to that day in class. "That my bark is bigger than my bite?" I ask, unsure of what he wants from me.

He laughs, and it makes me flinch. "No. I said that you cornering me doesn't mean that I have to listen to you talk. It's not my job to make you feel better for what happened."

As I contemplate his words, I examine the healing injuries on his face. "Levi, you deserve the truth, if you'd just look at m—"

"No, it's my turn to talk," he says, turning his chair toward me. He still doesn't make eye contact with me. The coldness in his voice stings, and it feels like I'm talking to a totally different person.

"Let's get one thing straight: I should never have gone home with you for Thanksgiving break. That's on me for making that mistake. You hardly know me, and I should've known it wasn't a good idea."

"Levi, none of this is your—"

"Thank you for letting me use you for the film project, but I think we should leave it at that. Feel free to let yourself out."

His words feel like the crack of a whip against my skin, and I step back. Levi just turns back to his desk and keeps working, never looking back up at me. I knew he'd be mad, and I deserved mad, but I didn't expect him to be this dismissive.

I turn toward his door so he doesn't see the woundedness on my face. If he sees my emotion, he doesn't acknowledge it. He opens his laptop back up and keeps working as if I was never even here.

I leave before I can make an even bigger fool out of myself.

♔

voting

jack

levi

thought corner

1. Thoughts about Jack and Scarlett's conversation? Was Jack's reaction justified?

2. Thoughts about Levi and Scarlett's conversation? Was Levi's reaction justified?

3. Predictions for what will happen now? This was definitely a turning point.

4. Have your views of Levi or Jack changed? How so?

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